\u201cAdam, Eve, where are you?\u201d The probing voice of God pierces the evening air, confronting the two pounding hearts hiding in the foliage. Just hours before, all was so perfect, so peaceful \u2026 but when they ate the forbidden fruit, everything changed. They chose to disobey God\u2014they chose to defy His authority\u2014and now they flinch in fear as they hear His voice come nearer and nearer.<\/p>\n
As they step out of their hiding, how will God confront the guilty couple? Things could have been so different. He created this first man and first woman and placed them in a perfect environment where He planned to meet all of their needs. If only they had listened to Him! If only they had trusted Him! If only they had obeyed Him! But, because of their fatal choice, they forfeited His perfect plan. Now what will He say to them \u2026 and what will be His approach? How will He confront their sin?<\/p>\n
For the first time, rather than being at peace with God, the couple cowers in fear at His presence. God responds with questions: \u201cWho told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?\u201d<\/p>\n
God turns and asks Eve, \u201cWhat is this you have done?\u201d Although God clearly knew all that had transpired in their lives that day, He chose to confront both of them with questions\u2014questions to expose their sin and establish the truth\u2014to expose wrong to establish right (Genesis 3:9, 11, 13).<\/p>\n
I. DEFINITIONS CONCERNING CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
Like Adam and Eve, most of us do not like having our sin exposed. Like them, we try to cover it up\u2014to hide all evidence\u2014in an effort not to \u201cget caught.\u201d Basically, we do whatever we possibly can to avoid having to face the consequences of our bad choices. Our preference is to figure out a way to \u201cget away with it\u201d to somehow \u201cmake it go away\u201d or, at the very least, not to have to \u201ctake responsibility for it.\u201d Assuming this behavior is natural and common to all humans, how do we deal with wrongdoing? How do we face our own \u201cdemons,\u201d and how do we handle the demons of others? Clearly, the answer is not by ignoring, avoiding, hiding, or covering up offenses. But what is the answer? If we use the way God dealt with Adam and Eve as our model, then we must acknowledge bad behavior, face the consequences of bad behavior, and make efforts to change bad behavior. We must expose what is wrong to establish what is right. That process is called \u201cconfrontation,\u201d and it requires wisdom and discernment.<\/p>\n
\u201cWisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 10:13)<\/p>\n
A. What Constitutes Confrontation?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confrontation is encountering a person in order to expose what is wrong, with the goal of establishing truth \u2026 confronting what is wrong to establish what is right.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting a person helps establish the truth for the purpose of conviction, correction, and a change of life.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Hebrew word tokhot means \u201cto correct, rebuke.\u201d Solomon, the wisest man, understood the value of confrontation when he wrote, \u201cThe corrections of discipline are the way to life\u201d (Proverbs 6:23).<\/p>\n
\u2014 At times God will guide you to confront so that others can see their need to change as well as to know what and how to change.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe grace of God.\u2026 It teaches us to say \u2018No\u2019 to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.\u2026 These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority.\u201d (Titus 2:11\u201312, 15)<\/p>\n
B. What Are Five Methods of Confrontation Used in the Bible?<\/p>\n
Most people are fairly opinionated about how God confronts mortal human beings in the Bible. Typically, people picture God as pointing a bony finger while pounding a gavel in severe judgment upon some puny human\u2014but this is not so. As our loving God created the human race with immense diversity, He also uses various and diverse methods to confront according to each individual\u2019s need. From questions asked of Adam and Eve in Genesis to His rebuke of the churches in Revelation, undeniably God uses various methods of confrontation. The same can be said of God\u2019s anointed people. There are many examples in Scripture of God\u2019s using His people to confront ungodliness through a variety of methods in both the Old and the New Testaments. Each method, whether direct or indirect, is used with the loving intent of confronting what is wrong and establishing what is right so that we will become all He created us to be. Such confrontations require a response.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, do not despise the LORD\u2019s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 3:11\u201312)<\/p>\n
METHOD #1 \u2026 CONFRONTING WITH A QUESTION (INDIRECT)<\/p>\n
Job chapter 38\u201342:6<\/p>\n
Have you witnessed the wisdom of those who ask many questions of others \u2026 though they already know the answers? These intuitive individuals have discovered a powerful secret: Asking wise questions helps others gain insight into truth through inner reflection. In the Bible, Job begins reflecting on his wrong thinking knowing that God will confront him \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account?\u201d
\n(Job 31:14)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The purpose of wise questioning is to get people to think seriously about their attitudes and actions \u2026 to rethink their thoughts and reconsider their conclusions \u2026 to acknowledge their actions and examine their intentions. This method of confrontation is less about a question to evoke an answer and more about a challenge to evoke a change.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The power of wise questioning is used by the Lord God Almighty.<\/p>\n
In all literature, the most dramatic example of wise questioning is found in the Book of Job. Job begins to doubt God\u2019s goodness. In turn, God begins His inquisition of Job with this question, \u201cWho is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me\u201d (Job 38:2\u20133).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Pertinent questions can be powerful. Through one question after another\u2014literally 72 questions\u2014God reveals His very nature to Job.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Pertinent questions can be convicting. After hearing God\u2019s questions, Job is so deeply moved with conviction that he says, \u201cI despise myself and repent in dust and ashes\u201d (Job 42:6).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The skill of wise questioning is used by wise counselors.<\/p>\n
If you are one who understands and uses this technique, you have learned an essential counseling skill. God, our ultimate Counselor, demonstrates throughout Scripture that questions effectively draw others out to think about themselves and to think for themselves. Some questions that appeal to the conscience are \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDo you want to live your life with true contentment?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDo you want to be a person of total integrity?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDo you want to fulfill God\u2019s purpose for your life?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDo you want to have God\u2019s blessing on your life?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe purposes of a man\u2019s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.\u201d (Proverbs 20:5)<\/p>\n
METHOD #2 \u2026 CONFRONTING WITH A PARABLE (INDIRECT)<\/p>\n
Luke 20:9\u201319<\/p>\n
Parables have long been recognized as food for thought and refreshing nourishment for the soul. Simple parables appeal to people of all ages\u2014young and old alike. No wonder these memorable allegories have passed the test of time to remain classic lessons through the centuries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A parable is a short, fictitious illustration\u2014a parable in Scripture is an earthly story with a heavenly meaning\u2014focusing on one moral or spiritual truth.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Greek word parabole means comparison or illustration. The parable, when used in Scripture, illustrates a moral or spiritual truth by using simple, everyday objects and settings.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A parable shines a probing light on the darkness within our hearts and challenges us to change. Parables can have unending value in developing godly character in our lives.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A parable of a vineyard owner was used by Jesus to expose the dark motives within the hearts of Jewish leaders\u2014the Scribes and Pharisees (Luke 20:9\u201319).<\/p>\n
\u2014 The owner of a vineyard rents out his land. At harvest time, the owner sends one servant after another to obtain some of the fruit; however, the tenants treat each servant shamefully. When the owner sends his beloved son, the tenants plot and kill him. Then Jesus said, \u201cWhat then will the owner of the vineyard do to them? He will come and kill those tenants and give the vineyard to others\u201d (Luke 20:15\u201316).<\/p>\n
\u2014 In telling this parable, Jesus established the truth\u2014He knew the Scribes and Pharisees would plot to kill him. The tenants in the parable represent the Jewish leaders; the owner\u2019s servants represent the prophets of God whom Israel had murdered throughout the ages; and the owner\u2019s son represents Jesus.<\/p>\n
\u2014 In using this parable, Jesus confronted the Jewish leaders\u2019 abuse of the oversight God had entrusted to them. Rather than allowing the truth within the parable to convict them and seeing it as an opportunity to correct their wrong ways, they sought to kill Jesus.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe teachers of the law and the chief priests looked for a way to arrest him immediately, because they knew he had spoken this parable against them. But they were afraid of the people.\u201d (Luke 20:19)<\/p>\n
METHOD #3 \u2026 CONFRONTING WITH A TRUE-TO-LIFE STORY (INDIRECT)<\/p>\n
2 Samuel 12:1\u201313<\/p>\n
A story, if told well, has the power to move our emotions to anger or move our hearts to tears. Everyone responds to a well-told, true-to-life story. When people are blind to the truth of their own sin, telling them a story parallel to their own sin can be powerfully convicting.<\/p>\n
The true story of David\u2019s adulterous affair is recorded in the Bible. David, in his amorous pursuit of Bathsheba, impregnated her and then murdered her husband and married her to cover up his sinful actions. Because of David\u2019s position as king, he escaped the legal consequences of his crimes \u2026 the consequences he would have brought on his subjects if they had committed such acts.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A true-to-life story can have a spiritual purpose. The Lord sent Nathan to confront David through a skillfully told story about two men. One was rich, and the other was poor. The rich man had many flocks of sheep, but the poor man had only one beloved pet lamb. When preparing a meal for a traveler, the rich man refused to pick a sheep from his own large flock and instead took the poor man\u2019s little lamb to serve to his guest. After Nathan told this story, David passed the most severe judgment on this rich man \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDavid burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, \u2018As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die!\u2019 \u201d (2 Samuel 12:5)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A true-to-life story can be powerful. David\u2019s instant judgment against the rich man was absolutely justified. So what could he say when Nathan turned the tables on him saying, \u201cYou are the man!\u201d (2 Samuel 12:7)?<\/p>\n
\u2022 A true-to-life story can be convicting. In listening, David realized how his lust had led to adultery, his adultery to deceit, and his deceit to murder. As a result of this confrontation, he repented and said, \u201cI have sinned against the LORD\u201d (2 Samuel 12:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 A true-to-life story can cause a change of life. Convicting stories can serve to create a hunger to have a pure heart before God. Following David\u2019s moral failure with Bathsheba and Nathan\u2019s subsequent confrontation, he said, \u201cCreate in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me\u201d (Psalm 51:10).<\/p>\n
METHOD #4 \u2026 CONFRONTING WITH AN ADMONITION (DIRECT)<\/p>\n
John 8:1\u201311<\/p>\n
We are all created with a conscience by which we gauge whether an attitude or action is right or wrong. Christians also have the convicting work of the Holy Spirit within their hearts. Feeling guilt is appropriate when we stray from the truth and engage in wrongful acts\u2014this is \u201ctrue guilt.\u201d If we stay in sin for a long time without responding to appropriate guilt, we can develop a \u201cseared conscience.\u201d At times, however, God appeals to our conscience by sending some individual to confront us.<\/p>\n
\u2022 An admonition is a gentle confrontation of warning or counsel for the purpose of correction. To admonish in a gentle, earnest manner means to warn or counsel a person who is in the wrong.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Greek word noutheteo means to \u201cadmonish\u201d or literally \u201cto put in mind\u201d (nous = mind, tithemi = to put).<\/p>\n
\u2014 An admonition is an earnest, friendly warning given in order to train a person\u2019s mind to think and therefore to act differently.<\/p>\n
The apostle Paul said,<\/p>\n
\u201cLet the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.\u201d (Colossians 3:16)<\/p>\n
\u2022 One day, a woman is caught in the act of adultery. The religious leaders bring her before Jesus, wanting Him to pronounce the death sentence by stoning. Instead of confronting the woman, Jesus confronts the judgmental attitudes of the Scribes and Pharisees by appealing to their conscience.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Jesus cleverly turns the tables on these accusers by highlighting their focus on the letter of the law and their obvious lack of grace. Because they are looking at the letter of the law, Jesus challenges them to first judge themselves in light of the law.<\/p>\n
\u2022 An admonition can convict a person\u2019s conscience. Jesus\u2019 confrontation appeals to their conscience. Jesus makes them look first at their own actions: \u201cHe who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first\u201d (John 8:7 NKJV). No one moves\u2014eventually being convicted by their own conscience, they all depart one by one, leaving only Jesus and the woman standing alone.<\/p>\n
\u2022 An admonition can encourage a change of life. Now, for the first time, Jesus addresses the woman and her wrongful actions. \u201cWhen Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, \u2018Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?\u2019 She said, \u2018No one, Lord.\u2019 And Jesus said to her, \u2018Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more\u2019 \u201d (John 8:10\u201311 NKJV).<\/p>\n
\u2022 When you are confronting one caught in sin, examples of some ways to appeal to the conscience are to use comments like these:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou can gain and maintain a clear conscience. I want to help you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou can be free of any temptation and not be continually hooked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou can have the blessing of God on your life. I want that for you. Is that what you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
METHOD #5 \u2026 CONFRONTING WITH A REBUKE (DIRECT)<\/p>\n
Matthew 16:21\u201323<\/p>\n
At times, the most appropriate way to confront is to be direct and explicit, for instance when someone does something flagrantly wrong or when a bad role model corrupts a child\u2019s conscience. Directly exposing someone when they offend does risk alienating them, but at times this method is necessary to turn hearts and to correct a negative situation.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A rebuke is a stern, strict reprimand or a convincing, convicting reproof used in order to correct a fault. To rebuke is to confront those in the wrong directly with the aim of charging or challenging them to do what is right.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Greek word epitimao is translated \u201crebuke.\u201d During the crucifixion of Christ, one repentant thief rebuked the other thief\u2014he challenged him to change \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe other criminal rebuked him. \u2018Don\u2019t you fear God,\u2019 he said, \u2018since you are under the same sentence?\u2019 \u201d (Luke 23:40)<\/p>\n
\u2014 To rebuke can also mean to confront those in the wrong with the aim of convincing or convicting them to do right. The Greek word elegcho, which is often translated \u201crebuke,\u201d also means \u201cto convict, convince or reprove.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: \u2018My son, do not make light of the Lord\u2019s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you.\u2019 \u201d (Hebrews 12:5)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A double rebuke occurred after Jesus told His followers that He must be killed and three days later rise again. Not grasping God\u2019s plan, Peter rebuked Jesus and, in turn, Jesus rebuked Peter.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeter took him aside and began to rebuke him. \u2018Never, Lord!\u2019 he said. \u2018This shall never happen to you!\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 16:22)<\/p>\n
There is no more powerful rebuke than the one from Jesus to Peter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. \u2018Get behind me, Satan!\u2019 he said. \u2018You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.\u2019 \u201d (Mark 8:33)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A correct rebuke requires that the direct confrontation be balanced with great patience and careful instruction in order to bring about change.<\/p>\n
\u201cCorrect, rebuke and encourage\u2014with great patience and careful instruction.\u201d (2 Timothy 4:2)<\/p>\n
C. What Is God\u2019s Heart on Confrontation?<\/p>\n
The goal of confrontation is not to point a pious finger at someone else\u2019s sin, but to point to the truth that correction is necessary \u2026 the kind of truth that sets us free, turns us around, and puts us on a correction course.<\/p>\n
Have you ever unknowingly been walking the wrong way? How you wished for someone who cared enough to intervene \u2026 to challenge you \u2026 to confront you? You needed to be put on a \u201ccorrection course.\u201d<\/p>\n
At times we all need to be confronted with truth, an act that can result in conviction, correction, and a change of direction. Confrontation, if done wisely and if wisely heeded, is often used by God to correct us from going the wrong way and to cause us to start going the right way.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 12:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Purpose of Positive Confrontation<\/p>\n
The Spirit of God confronts sin in the life of a nonbeliever in order to bring that person to confession, repentance, and salvation. Likewise, the Spirit of God confronts sin in the life of a Christian in order to produce confession, repentance, and Christlikeness.<\/p>\n
Jesus died not just to save you from the penalty of sin (eternal separation from God), but also to save you from the power of sin in your life. Therefore, sin must be confronted so that you can be set free from its bondage. At times, confrontation is necessary both for salvation and for victorious living.<\/p>\n
Based on God\u2019s love \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 God confronts us in order to keep us walking within His will and in close relationship with Him.<\/p>\n
\u201cKnow then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him.\u201d (Deuteronomy 8:5\u20136)<\/p>\n
\u2014 God gives us the task of wise confrontation to help others see their need to have a personal relationship with Christ or to become more Christlike.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.\u201d (Colossians 1:28)<\/p>\n
\u2014 God confronts us because He loves us as a father loves his child. He wants to make us holy, as He is holy, so that we can live at peace with others.<\/p>\n
\u201cOur fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.\u201d (Hebrews 12:10\u201311)<\/p>\n
\u2014 God confronts us by using His Word to equip us for life.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.\u201d (2 Timothy 3:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Peril of Negative Confrontation<\/p>\n
Confrontation, which should be helpful and healing, can miss the mark by becoming harmful and hostile when the motive is self-centered and the method is self-serving.<\/p>\n
\u2014Harmful Confrontation<\/p>\n
Righteous Job lamented that his friends were wrong to confront him in the midst of his intense suffering. After they confronted him, he cried out to them \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cMiserable comforters are you all!\u2026 I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.\u201d (Job 16:2\u20135)<\/p>\n
\u2014Hostile Confrontation<\/p>\n
David, too, wrote about how the Lord delivered him from the hostile confrontation of his enemies and specifically from the hand of King Saul \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.\u2026 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.\u201d (2 Samuel 22:6, 18\u201319)<\/p>\n
D. What Are the Four Styles of Confrontation?<\/p>\n
Does the thought of confronting someone make you want to run for cover? Awkward situations that call for confrontation can cause great emotional strain\u2014even ruining a close relationship. Have you tiptoed around a problem, hoping it will go away? Or have you stuffed your anger only to have it build and later erupt like a volcano in the face of your offender? Ultimately, we need to overcome our fear and have the courage to lovingly confront by living in the light of God\u2019s truth.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD is my light and my salvation\u2014whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life\u2014of whom shall I be afraid?\u201d
\n(Psalm 27:1)<\/p>\n
David\u2019s life illustrates four distinct styles of dealing with difficult people.<\/p>\n
#1 The Passive Style: The Avoider confronts indirectly by using silence or nonspecific language to communicate needs and desires.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Shuns direct interaction because of fear<\/p>\n
\u2014 Expects others to figure out what is wanted<\/p>\n
GOAL: Avoiding confrontation to ensure self-protection<\/p>\n
DISADVANTAGES: Produces no long-term solution and leads to bigger problems<\/p>\n
EXAMPLE: At one time David chose to be silent and to avoid saying anything at all around his offenders; however, his passive approach only increased the anguish and anger within his heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cI [David] said, \u2018I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.\u2019 But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue.\u201d (Psalm 39:1\u20133)<\/p>\n
#2 The Aggressive Style: The Attacker confronts by overtly attacking the character of the other person in order to gain power.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses threats and intimidation to get needs met by others at any cost<\/p>\n
\u2014 Feels free to violate the rights of others<\/p>\n
GOAL: Gaining power and control through anger or force<\/p>\n
DISADVANTAGES: Produces only short-term solutions and makes enemies by hurting feelings<\/p>\n
EXAMPLE: Many of David\u2019s enemies levied all-out attacks in order to bring David down.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride.\u201d (Psalm 56:2)<\/p>\n
#3 The Passive-Aggressive Style: The Ambusher confronts by covertly ambushing the other person as a power play.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses sarcasm and sniping rather than direct, specific language<\/p>\n
\u2014 Tries to get even at a later time for real or imagined slights<\/p>\n
GOAL: Avoiding direct responses and accountability while \u201cgetting even\u201d<\/p>\n
DISADVANTAGES: Produces no solutions and expresses destructive anger in indirect ways<\/p>\n
EXAMPLE: Repeatedly, David was verbally ambushed with indirect attacks from his passive-aggressive offenders.<\/p>\n
\u201cHide me from the conspiracy of the wicked.\u2026 They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent man.\u201d (Psalm 64:2\u20134)<\/p>\n
#4 The Assertive Style: The Activator confronts by directly affirming the truth that positive change needs to take place.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses direct, specific language to express factual information<\/p>\n
\u2014 Confronts directly in a way that expresses value for the opinions and feelings of others<\/p>\n
GOAL: Presenting the facts, correcting untruths, and changing behavior<\/p>\n
ADVANTAGES: Produces effective solutions and builds long-term trust and respect<\/p>\n
EXAMPLE: On two different occasions David had the opportunity to put to death his enemy King Saul, but rather than act aggressively, he chose to spare Saul\u2019s life and confront him assertively.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you listen when men say, \u2018David is bent on harming you\u2019? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the LORD delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, \u2018I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the LORD\u2019s anointed.\u2019 \u2026 May the LORD judge between you and me.\u2026 And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.\u201d (1 Samuel 24:9\u201310, 12)<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS OF CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
Do you confront when you shouldn\u2019t\u2014and do you avoid confronting when you should? A strong religious leader confronts a woman when she is acting drunk in church, but she is actually in anguish, crying out to God because she can\u2019t conceive a child. That leader aggressively confronts her based only on appearances and before he knows the facts. (See 1 Samuel 1:9\u201318.)<\/p>\n
This same leader who confronts when he shouldn\u2019t is later guilty of not confronting when he should. He fails to confront his two contemptible sons when they abuse their position as priests and take advantage of God\u2019s people. (See 1 Samuel 2:12\u201336.) God rebukes Eli for his passivity because he fails to protect the people.<\/p>\n
Fear of conflict can make you passively do nothing \u2026 or misunderstanding can cause you to confront inappropriately. Knowing when and how to confront requires wisdom.<\/p>\n
In his old age, Eli finally confronts his sons\u2014but by then it\u2019s too late. Eli pays a high price for being too passive. God tells Eli that He will \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.\u201d
\n(1 Samuel 3:13)<\/p>\n
A. When Should You Confront?<\/p>\n
Since there is a wrong time to confront when it does more damage than good and a right time to confront when it serves God\u2019s purpose, how do you know when the time is right?<\/p>\n
YOU SHOULD CONFRONT \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 When someone is in danger. Some people say or do things that hurt themselves or others to the extent that lives are at risk. God opposes all abusive behavior whether it is self-inflicted or inflicted onto others. You need to intervene when you see any behavior that puts people in harm\u2019s way.<\/p>\n
\u201cRescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, \u2018But we knew nothing about this,\u2019 does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?\u201d (Proverbs 24:11\u201312)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When a relationship is threatened. Relationships are vulnerable to damaging words or actions. You need to confront when necessary to preserve the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cI plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.\u201d (Philippians 4:2\u20133)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When division exists within a group. One of the enemy\u2019s tactics is to cause quarrels, strife, and jealousy among a body of believers. God calls us to unity, agreement, and peace. He charges us to guard and protect these precious relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.\u201d (Romans 14:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When someone sins against you. Difficult though it may be, God gives you a clear directive to confront anyone who does something to you that clearly violates God\u2019s will in regard to how you are to be treated.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.\u201d (Matthew 18:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When you are offended. Sometimes you can be offended by someone\u2019s actions even when the actions are not sinful. For the sake of the relationship, confronting in humility and exposing your concern allows the other person to be sensitive to you in the future and to not intentionally offend you by continuing the offensive actions.<\/p>\n
\u201cBe completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.\u201d (Ephesians 4:2\u20133)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When someone is caught in a sin. At times you will see a sin in others to which they are blind. While guarding against the possibility of the same sin in your own life, God wants to use you to expose the sin and help the one trapped to overcome it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I [God] say to a wicked man, \u2018You will surely die,\u2019 and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood.\u201d (Ezekiel 3:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 When others are offended. Sometimes confronting on behalf of others is appropriate. In cases of prejudice, injustice, or violence toward those unable to defend themselves, God expects you to take up their cause and speak out against the wrong done to them. The apostle Paul confronted Peter openly,<\/p>\n
\u201cI opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they [the Jews] arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.\u201d (Galatians 2:11\u201313)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhy can\u2019t I just forgive and forget? Why do I have to confront someone when they offend me?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Undisclosed forgiveness benefits you by keeping you from becoming bitter, but it does not necessarily benefit your offender who is in need of correction. Yes, you need to forgive and not dwell on the offense, but you also need to confront in order to make your offender aware of a problem area that needs to be addressed. Forgiving without confronting can later result in your offender\u2019s resenting you for not caring enough to make the offense known so that the bad behavior could be changed. Your offender could then develop a bitter root that later bears bitter fruit.<\/p>\n
\u201cSee to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.\u201d (Hebrews 12:15)<\/p>\n
B. When Should You Not Confront?<\/p>\n
While confrontation can create unity, it can also divide. To avoid needless damage, you should not confront \u2026<\/p>\n
#1 When you are not the right person to confront. If you are not the one offended or not responsible for the one offended, you may not be the one who should confront. However, God might use you to help the person who is responsible to confront.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own.\u201d (Proverbs 26:17)<\/p>\n
#2 When it\u2019s not the right time to confront. You may be the right person to do the confronting, but it may not be the right time or your heart may not be right.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is a time for everything \u2026 a time to be silent and a time to speak.\u201d (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)<\/p>\n
#3 When you are uncertain of the facts. Be sure you are fully informed of what is happening. Sometimes asking the right questions and listening objectively will reveal that you are simply misperceiving the situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who answers before listening\u2014that is his folly and his shame.\u201d (Proverbs 18:13)<\/p>\n
#4 When it\u2019s best to overlook a minor offense. You may find that overlooking minor offenses allows God to convict others of their errors. When in doubt, erring on the side of restraint and mercy is generally best.<\/p>\n
\u201cHatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.\u201d (Proverbs 10:12)<\/p>\n
#5 When you are committing the same sin. Paradoxically, you can be most offended by people who are engaging in the very behaviors with which you yourself struggle. We are hypocritical if we try to correct others when we ourselves are guilty of the same thing. First correct your own behavior. Then you can help correct the behavior of someone else.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother\u2019s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, \u2018Let me take the speck out of your eye,\u2019 when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother\u2019s eye.\u201d (Matthew 7:3\u20135)<\/p>\n
#6 When your motive is purely your own rights, not the benefit of the other person. A \u201cmy rights\u201d attitude will only damage the spirit of a positive confrontation. Therefore, consider another\u2019s interests over your own.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.\u201d (Philippians 2:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
#7 When you have a vindictive motive. Before you confront, genuine forgiveness of the offender is imperative. In your heart, release the offender into the hands of God. Your confrontation must not be to satisfy your secret desire to take revenge or to get even.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.\u201d (Romans 12:17)<\/p>\n
#8 When the consequences of the confrontation outweigh those of the offense. Look at the degree of the offense before you confront. Some battles pay little dividends and are just not worth the fight!<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.\u201d (Proverbs 17:1)<\/p>\n
#9 When the person you want to confront has a habit of foolishness and quarreling. Avoid confronting people who are unwilling to recognize their offense. If you cannot avoid the confrontation, you may need to take others with you to help in confronting these persons.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord\u2019s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:23\u201324)<\/p>\n
#10 When setting aside your rights will benefit an unbeliever. Jesus modeled suffering for righteousness\u2019 sake and exhorts you to endure unjust hardship for the sake of exposing God\u2019s character to the unbeliever. Allow room for God to work in another\u2019s heart by showing restraint.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God.\u2026 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.\u201d (1 Peter 2:19, 21)<\/p>\n
#11 When the person who offended you is your enemy. Sometimes it is best not to confront but to win them over by praying for them and blessing them. You and your offender are ultimately responsible to God for your actions. The path to peace might mean forgiving and blessing your offender without ever confronting the offensive behavior.<\/p>\n
\u201cLove your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.\u201d (Matthew 5:44\u201345)<\/p>\n
#12 When confrontation will be ineffective and reprisal severe. You may not be able to effectively confront a person who has a violent temper and who is likely to exact severe retribution on you or on someone you love. (However, with such a person you still need to have and enforce proper boundaries.)<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.\u201d (Proverbs 9:7)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIf I have a Christian friend who is continuing to live in sin, am I obligated to confront my friend?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Realize that you may be God\u2019s agent to help your friend change and then grow to be more Christlike. If you care enough to confront, God can use you to encourage and support different loved ones to overcome habits that enslave them or alienate them from others. At times He will call you to directly but lovingly intervene in the lives of fellow believers who have wandered from the truth and have become ensnared by sin.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.\u201d (James 5:19\u201320)<\/p>\n
C. What Are the Four Confrontational Strategies?<\/p>\n
If you are involved in a conflict requiring confrontation and you realize you need to confront, be aware that you may make the mistake of using one of three negative strategies: avoiding, attacking, or ambushing.<\/p>\n
\u2022 If You Are Passive\/Avoider \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Your strategy is to completely avoid the problem without ever addressing the person directly.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You have a fear-based mentality, perhaps learned in childhood, that could make you feel unworthy or inadequate to confront.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You are overly compliant wanting to avoid disagreement, and you cower out of fear.<\/p>\n
\u2014 By avoiding confrontation, however, you allow the sinful behavior of the other person to continue creating relational conflicts.<\/p>\n
The Bible records King Saul\u2019s confession,<\/p>\n
\u201cI have sinned.\u2026 I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them.\u201d (1 Samuel 15:24)<\/p>\n
\u2022 If You Are Aggressive\/Attacker \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Your strategy is to attack the other person, not the problem.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You build up your own self-esteem by attacking and suppressing others.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You feel entitled to cross the personal boundaries of another person\u2019s space, work, time, or personal life. You seek to control others by intimidation.<\/p>\n
\u2014 By attacking, you may win the momentary battle, but you lose the ultimate war. Your inappropriate attacks harm the relationship and provide no lasting resolution for correcting offensive behavior.<\/p>\n
The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.\u201d (Proverbs 16:5)<\/p>\n
\u2022 If You Are Passive\u2014Aggressive\/Ambusher \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Your strategy is to ambush the other person without confronting the problem.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You are afraid and prefer hiding, manipulating, and ambushing in order to gain power rather than directly confronting.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You keep a record of real or imagined offenses to justify getting even. You find it difficult to accept responsibility for hurting others, and you act as a \u201csniper,\u201d shooting slander, sarcasm, and mocking remarks from a distance.<\/p>\n
\u2014 By ambushing, you avoid a direct confrontation while at the same time you look for subtle ways to make a power play. Your relational conflicts are never resolved because you never deal with them.<\/p>\n
The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cA mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.\u201d (Proverbs 15:12)<\/p>\n
\u2022 If you are Assertive\/Activater \u2026 (a positive strategy!)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Your strategy is to actively assert yourself by confronting in order to resolve the problem.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You deal fairly and respectfully with everyone involved by listening carefully, stating the truth, correcting untruth directly, and exposing areas where people differ or misunderstand one another.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You make requests, taking the needs of others into account by courageously giving words of admonishment, rebuke, or encouragement when appropriate.<\/p>\n
\u2014 By asserting yourself, you provide the greatest opportunity to have positive relationships because you speak with discernment and confidently confront with sound judgment.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight.\u2026 For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.\u201d (Proverbs 3:21, 26)<\/p>\n
Certain other strategies may seem right for the moment, but they will not bring about godly results and will ultimately fail. Only an assertive strategy based on truth will succeed and stand the test of time.<\/p>\n
The Bible says about those who have subversive strategies \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDevise your strategy, but it will be thwarted; propose your plan, but it will not stand, for God is with us.\u201d (Isaiah 8:10)<\/p>\n
D. What Can You Say \u2026 How Can You Say It?<\/p>\n
Deciding that you need to confront is one thing. Deciding what you need to say is another! Preparing your wording in advance will help you speak clearly and lovingly when the occasion for confrontation arises.<\/p>\n
\u201cA word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man\u2019s rebuke to a listening ear.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 25:11\u201312)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting unjust treatment on behalf of a coworker<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cMaybe you felt he was not doing his job adequately, but do you think it is fair to fire him without allowing him an opportunity to change?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou might encourage him by pointing out the improvements that need to take place within his area of responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting a friend who is excessively late<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI thought we were to meet for lunch at 1:00. I have been waiting here for an hour. Did I misunderstand the time we agreed on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting a friend who violates your personal boundaries<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cPlease know that I enjoy talking with you, but we need to talk at earlier times in the evening. I really need to get more sleep at night; therefore, let\u2019s not call each other past 9:00 p.m.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting a spouse for repeated failure to call when late for dinner<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ve had dinner ready at 6:30 for the last five days, yet you\u2019ve not called to say that you would be late. I need you to call me by 6:15 if you are not going to be on time. If you have not called by 6:30, the children and I will go ahead and eat.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting a coworker for gossip and slander<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cWould you tell me what you said to others about the project I\u2019ve just finished?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI heard that you actually said that you don\u2019t respect my work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cIt would be helpful if you would come directly to me with your concerns. I sincerely want to do my best, and I will value your comments.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting others to help them see their blind spots<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI know you have experienced a deep sense of betrayal by your friend. Do you think it is wise to continue to trust him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDo you think it is wise to put all your emotional eggs in one basket and not develop some other meaningful relationships?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confronting to set or enforce boundaries<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI did not stop coming over without a reason. You heard your mother request that I no longer help you with homework because she didn\u2019t want you to be dependent on outside help. Please understand that I enjoy working with you, but I must honor her request.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI thought you said you were not going to eat any more sweets after 7:00 p.m. Do you still want me to hold you accountable for that?\u201d<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES FOR A LACK OF CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
Do you know someone who is arrogant \u2026 rude \u2026 cruel \u2026 but continues to get away with it? While you wish he would change, deeper still, you wish he would get what he deserves!<\/p>\n
That is exactly why one man refused to deliver a life-changing message to people he considered \u201cthe enemy.\u201d They were arrogant and cruel. He didn\u2019t want to confront them because they just might change and then they wouldn\u2019t have to pay for their cruelty.<\/p>\n
God tells Jonah to go and confront the rebellious people of Nineveh. If they don\u2019t repent, God will destroy them\u2014but Jonah wants them to be destroyed, so he refuses to warn them. Instead he boards a boat and heads in the opposite direction. That\u2019s when God uses a big storm and a big fish to reveal a big mistake. Finally, Jonah obeys God and confronts the people\u2014but when they all repent and receive God\u2019s mercy, is Jonah grateful and glad? No\u2014he resents God\u2019s mercy and carries a grudge. He wants them wiped out\u2014he wants revenge. He simply sits down and sulks.<\/p>\n
Jonah has a passive-aggressive mindset:<\/p>\n
\u2022 He passively remains silent so that the people will not repent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 He aggressively does everything possible to keep them from receiving God\u2019s mercy.<\/p>\n
Jonah\u2019s mindset needs a major overhaul\u2014he needs a boatload of mercy. Jonah could receive the blessing of God if only he would offer the mercy of God\u2014Jonah needed to hear the words of Jesus,<\/p>\n
\u201cBlessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.\u201d
\n(Matthew 5:7)<\/p>\n
A. Why Is It Difficult to Confront?<\/p>\n
Although the Bible says much about the benefits of confrontation, we frequently avoid confronting those who offend us. Why do we sidestep a one-on-one encounter when it could restore a strained relationship?<\/p>\n
IT IS DIFFICULT TO CONFRONT WHEN \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 You are a shy person. Confrontation does indeed take boldness and strong faith in the Lord.<\/p>\n
\u2014However \u2026 take heart, God will always give you His strength to do what is right.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can do everything through him who gives me strength.\u201d (Philippians 4:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 You risk more damage to the relationship. If the offender does not respond properly, there is legitimate danger that the relationship may be damaged.<\/p>\n
\u2014 However \u2026 by confronting with the proper spirit and in the proper way, you can trust God to bring about His purposes through your confrontation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.\u201d (Proverbs 15:32)<\/p>\n
\u2022 You may hurt someone\u2019s feelings. Sometimes confrontation does inflict emotional pain, but your intervention may help a person avoid suffering severe consequences of persistent, harmful behavior. Honesty in a friendship is more valuable than excessive praise and flattery.<\/p>\n
\u2014 However \u2026 it is better to hurt a little now for a short time than to hurt a lot throughout a lifetime.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.\u201d (Proverbs 28:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 You could risk advancement or career opportunities. If you confront a coworker or even a supervisor, you do risk earning a reputation as a \u201cconfrontational\u201d or \u201ccontentious\u201d person.<\/p>\n
\u2014 However \u2026 if you confront in love and with a correct attitude, your offender is likely to see that you are not trying to hurt them, but trying to help them.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.\u201d (Colossians 4:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 You know that you have faults and don\u2019t want to appear hypocritical. It is true\u2014no one is perfect.<\/p>\n
\u2014 However \u2026 if you wait until you are perfect before you try to help others with their imperfections, you will never confront the sin in anyone\u2019s life. The requirement for confrontation is not perfection but is compassionate reaching out to others who are struggling in sin.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.\u201d (Proverbs 28:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 You have never seen proper, biblical confrontation. Angry arguments and inappropriate accusations were the patterns modeled for you as a child.<\/p>\n
\u2014 However \u2026 don\u2019t allow negative examples from your past to dissuade you from learning and practicing biblical confrontation.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God\u2019s will is\u2014his good, pleasing and perfect will.\u201d (Romans 12:2)<\/p>\n
B. Why Should Your Confrontation Be Assertive?<\/p>\n
Two goals must be kept in balance when confronting someone: On the one hand, you need to expose the negative behavior\u2014on the other hand, you need to maintain a respectful relationship. Three of the four approaches yield poor results because they do not keep this balance. Only one approach addresses the behavior problem and, at the same time, preserves the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 14:12)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Passive Approach: \u201cRunning Away\u2014Staying Away\u201d<\/p>\n
If you avoid confrontation because of fear, you resign yourself to maintain the mindset I lose, you win.<\/p>\n
Instead \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Face your offender and set boundaries for the relationship. This will give a greater opportunity for you to eventually earn respect.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be willing to give up the relationship, if the offense is serious or the offender dangerous, in order to protect yourself and potentially motivate the offender to change.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.\u201d (Proverbs 9:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Aggressive Approach: \u201cMy Way or the Highway\u201d<\/p>\n
If your confrontation turns into an attack because you must be on top, you assume the position I win, you lose!<\/p>\n
Instead \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Look beyond the short-term argument to win a mutually caring long-term relationship, which is the goal of successful confrontation. Seek to understand the deeper needs of your offender that are represented by the wrong behavior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Look for healthy compromise to produce necessary behavioral change in order to preserve the relationship with your offender.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God\u2019s wrath, for it is written: \u2018It is mine to avenge; I will repay,\u2019 says the Lord.\u201d (Romans 12:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Passive-Aggressive Approach: \u201cHave It Your Way\u2014but You\u2019ll Pay\u201d<\/p>\n
If you ambush the character of another person because you feel powerless, your goal is I lose, but you lose too!<\/p>\n
Instead \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoid the trap of undermining the character of another rather than confronting directly. The temptation to slander or gossip is a passive-aggressive approach that fails to resolve the offensive behavior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Retreat temporarily from your offender, if necessary, but don\u2019t let your need to collect your thoughts be a reason to avoid confronting directly.<\/p>\n
\u201cA wise son heeds his father\u2019s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.\u201d (Proverbs 13:1)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Assertive Approach: \u201cGod\u2019s Way\u2014the Best Way\u201d<\/p>\n
When you assertively confront because you care about the relationship, thereby offering hope for a change in behavior, your goal is a win-win solution We both win!<\/p>\n
Realize \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 The reward of an assertive confrontation is greater trust and respect, which results in a deeper and more satisfying relationship. And confrontation is a means for greater unity in the body of Christ.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Assertive confrontation may produce short-term conflict, but it is often the means for long-term gain. Relationships can be strengthened and people\u2019s lives can be changed when you learn to confront assertively.<\/p>\n
\u201cI appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.\u201d (1 Corinthians 1:10)<\/p>\n
C. What Are the \u201c11 Commandments\u201d of Confrontation?<\/p>\n
The Bible is a relational book. It reveals God\u2019s holy standard for the way we are to interact with one another. You, therefore, have scriptural support to confront when someone violates God\u2019s standard and steps over your moral, physical, or emotional boundaries\u2014or those of another person.<\/p>\n
THE 11 COMMANDMENTS OF CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
#1 God declares that you are \u2026 to show respect and are to be treated with respect.<\/p>\n
\u201cShow proper respect to everyone.\u201d (1 Peter 2:17)<\/p>\n
#2 God declares that you are \u2026 to speak truthfully from your heart and that others are to speak truthfully to you.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor.\u201d (Ephesians 4:25)<\/p>\n
#3 God declares that you are \u2026 to listen to others and that others should listen to you.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.\u201d (James 1:19)<\/p>\n
#4 God declares that you are \u2026 to express appropriate anger and to have anger appropriately expressed toward you.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn your anger do not sin.\u201d (Ephesians 4:26)<\/p>\n
#5 God declares that you are \u2026 to give and to receive only justifiable rebukes.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.\u201d (Proverbs 15:31)<\/p>\n
#6 God declares that you are \u2026 to value and to protect your conscience.<\/p>\n
\u201cI strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.\u201d (Acts 24:16)<\/p>\n
#7 God declares that you are \u2026 to say no without feeling guilty.<\/p>\n
\u201cSay \u2018No\u2019 to ungodliness and worldly passions.\u201d (Titus 2:12)<\/p>\n
#8 God declares that you are \u2026 to remove yourself from an abusive situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.\u201d (Proverbs 22:24)<\/p>\n
#9 God declares that you are \u2026 to bring opposing parties together to determine what is the real truth.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.\u201d (Proverbs 18:17)<\/p>\n
#10 God declares that you are \u2026 to seek emotional and spiritual support from others.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us not give up meeting together \u2026 but let us encourage one another.\u201d (Hebrews 10:25)<\/p>\n
#11 God declares that you are \u2026 to appeal to a higher authority when necessary.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true, no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!\u201d (Acts 25:11)<\/p>\n
D. Root Cause for Confusion<\/p>\n
We all have three God-given inner needs, the need for love, for significance, and for security. We can be controlled by fear if we adopt the wrong assumption that confronting an offender means that our basic inner needs will not be met. If you are unwilling to confront, you are living with the wrong assumptions. The Lord promises to meet your needs.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:19)<\/p>\n
WRONG BELIEFS ABOUT CONFRONTING:<\/p>\n
The passive person says: \u201cIf I confront others, the end result will be bad\u2014I will hurt, they will hurt, and our relationship will be hurt. By avoiding confrontation I can protect my basic needs from being threatened. The only way that I can please those around me is to keep silent.\u201d<\/p>\n
The aggressive person says: \u201cIf I don\u2019t strongly confront others, the end result will be bad\u2014I will lose, they will win, and my goals will not succeed. By strongly confronting, I can ensure that my basic needs are met. The only way I can reach my goals is to dominate others.\u201d<\/p>\n
The passive-aggressive person says: \u201cIf I confront, I could be rejected\u2014if I don\u2019t confront, I could be belittled. By masking my discontent, I can still find ways to make my point without risking personal loss. The only way I can reach my goals is to avoid direct confrontation but covertly attack from a safe distance.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF ABOUT CONFRONTING:<\/p>\n
The assertive person says: \u201cI will neither be afraid of nor exaggerate opportunities to confront. Knowing that I am deeply loved, eternally secure, and truly significant, I will be willing to confront with confidence, knowing that confrontation can produce positive growth and change.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAm I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.\u201d (Galatians 1:10)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
Life is full of confrontations\u2014from birth to death. Parents confront the misbehavior of their children, couples confront the problematic behavior of their spouses, peers confront the unacceptable behavior of friends, employers confront the unsatisfactory behavior of employees, law enforcement officers confront the illegal behavior of citizens, and God confronts the sinful behavior of everyone. Confrontation is inevitable and impossible to escape. Therefore, the question is not, \u201cWill confrontation occur?\u201d but \u201cHow will it occur?\u201d How will you choose to confront troublesome behavior in your own life, and how will you confront it in the lives of others? Will you let emotion\u2014fear, anger, frustration\u2014dictate your actions? Or will you let God rule over your emotions and allow Him to direct your actions? If the Spirit of God indwells you, then you have everything you need to confront assertively. As you study and learn His ways of confronting, He will enable you to put His ways into practice.<\/p>\n
\u201cHis divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.\u201d
\n(2 Peter 1:3)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verses to Memorize<\/p>\n
\u201cBrothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other\u2019s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.\u201d
\n(Galatians 6:1\u20132)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread<\/p>\n
Matthew 18:15\u201317<\/p>\n
SPIRITUAL STEPS FOR CONFRONTING OFFENDERS<\/p>\n
\u2022 Step One: Confront Alone. v. 15<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 to preserve the dignity of the other person<\/p>\n
\u2014 to show your personal concern for the other person<\/p>\n
\u2014 to give occasion for clarifying motives<\/p>\n
\u2014 to offer opportunity for repentance<\/p>\n
\u2014 to provide the possibility of complete reconciliation<\/p>\n
\u2022 Step Two: Confront with Witnesses. v. 16<\/p>\n
\u201cBut if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that \u2018every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 to show the seriousness of the offense<\/p>\n
\u2014 to express that other people have concern<\/p>\n
\u2014 to confirm and clarify the accusation<\/p>\n
\u2014 to offer a second opportunity for repentance<\/p>\n
\u2014 to provide accountability and hope for change<\/p>\n
\u2022 Step Three: Confront before the Church Body. v. 17<\/p>\n
\u201cIf he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 to reveal the severity of the offense<\/p>\n
\u2014 to demonstrate proper confrontation to the entire church body<\/p>\n
\u2014 to provide yet another opportunity for repentance<\/p>\n
\u2014 to offer restoration of the person to the entire church body<\/p>\n
\u2014 to discipline the unrepentant person for the sake of Christian unity<\/p>\n
C. Personal Preparation for Confronting<\/p>\n
CONFRONT YOUR SIN AND ACCEPT GOD\u2019S MERCY<\/p>\n
You will never be ready and fully able to confront someone else until you\u2019ve taken a confronting look at yourself \u2026 from the inside out. You, like everyone else, were created to have a personal relationship with God, but sin has caused that relationship to be broken. There is only one way to a restored relationship with God\u2014through His Son, Jesus. In order to be in right standing with God, you must confront the fact that you have sinned and you need God\u2019s mercy, His free gift that He is graciously offering to you through Jesus.<\/p>\n
RECEIVE GOD\u2019S FREE GIFT TO YOU<\/p>\n
The first step toward having a good relationship with God is understanding four important points from God\u2019s Word.<\/p>\n
#1 God\u2019s Purpose for You \u2026 is Salvation.<\/p>\n
\u2014 What was God\u2019s motive in sending Christ to earth? To condemn you? No \u2026 to express His love for you by saving you!<\/p>\n
\u201cGod so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.\u201d (John 3:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What was Jesus\u2019 purpose in coming to earth? To make everything perfect and to remove all sin? No \u2026 to forgive your sins, empower you to have victory over sin, and enable you to live a fulfilled life!<\/p>\n
\u201cI [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.\u201d (John 10:10)<\/p>\n
#2 Your Problem \u2026 is Sin.<\/p>\n
\u2014 What exactly is sin? Sin is living independently of God\u2019s standard\u2014knowing what is right, but choosing wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn\u2019t do it, sins.\u201d (James 4:17)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the major consequence of sin? Spiritual death, spiritual separation from God.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.\u201d (Romans 6:23)<\/p>\n
#3 God\u2019s Provision for You \u2026 is the Savior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Can anything remove the penalty for sin? Yes. Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.\u201d (Romans 5:8)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the solution to being separated from God? Belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus answered, \u2018I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.\u2019 \u201d (John 14:6)<\/p>\n
#4 Your Part \u2026 is Surrender.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your \u201cgood works\u201d as a means of gaining God\u2019s approval.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is by grace you have been saved, through faith\u2014and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God\u2014not by works, so that no one can boast.\u201d (Ephesians 2:8\u20139)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus said to his disciples, \u2018If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 16:24\u201326)<\/p>\n
The moment you choose to believe in Him\u2014entrusting your life to Christ\u2014He gives you His Spirit to live inside you. Then the Spirit of Christ gives you His wisdom to make the right confrontations, and He enables you to live the fulfilled life God has planned for you. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person God created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:<\/p>\n
PRAYER OF SALVATION
\n\u201cGod, I want a real relationship with You. I admit that many times I\u2019ve chosen to go my own way instead of Your way. Please forgive me for my sins. Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins. Come into my life to be my Lord and my Savior. Teach me how and when to confront in love. Enable me to submit my heart and my will to You. Through Your love and Your power, make me the person You created me to be. In Your holy name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT NOW?<\/p>\n
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, you can know, as James did, that God will always give you His wisdom in every difficult situation you face!<\/p>\n
\u201cIf any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.\u201d
\n(James 1:5)<\/p>\n
SELF\u2014EVALUATION CHECKLIST<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Is your heart right?<\/p>\n
\u2014 Look at the conflict from the offender\u2019s perspective. Listen in order to gain insight into thoughts, feelings, and concerns.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Acknowledge that you are fallible. A good principle is: \u201cWhen you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, don\u2019t say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Take responsibility for your emotional reactions. You cannot blame someone else for your own emotional outbursts.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be humble. Is there something God is trying to teach you in this circumstance beyond the immediate conflict?<\/p>\n
\u201cSearch me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.\u201d (Psalm 139:23\u201324)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Is your tongue under control? You may not realize that you have been offended until you are tempted to hurt someone with words. If you find yourself being sarcastic, giving subtle hints or jabs, talking behind someone\u2019s back, tearing down someone\u2019s reputation, lying, grumbling, or complaining, you are not in a position to confront in a loving way.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.\u201d (Luke 6:45)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Are you willing to ask forgiveness of your offender? When you ask forgiveness for your own failures, often others are able to see and feel convicted of their own failure and will respond with, \u201cYes, and would you also forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cConfess your sins to each other.\u201d (James 5:16)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Have you forgiven your offender? Forgiveness does not mean that you feel good about the person or the offense. Rather, it is the act of releasing that person from obligation to you. Forgiveness goes beyond justice\u2014it is what God did for you when He accepted Christ\u2019s death in your place! You can forgive someone who offends you even if they never know they offended you.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d (Colossians 3:13)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Have you prayed for your offender? Pray for God to intervene and help the offender recognize sinful behavior and turn from it so that God will be glorified in the person\u2019s life.<\/p>\n
\u201cFar be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.\u201d (1 Samuel 12:23)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you care about your offender? Make sure you approach the person you are seeking to correct with a prayerful and tender heart. A good sign that you really care about the person is that you find confronting difficult\u2014this can show that you have thought through the issue from the offender\u2019s perspective.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdminister true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.\u201d (Zechariah 7:9)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Are you sensitive to the pain of your offender? There is an adage that says, \u201cHurt people hurt people.\u201d Don\u2019t make your pain the central issue of a confrontation.<\/p>\n
\u201cMourn with those who mourn.\u201d (Romans 12:15)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Does your goal for the confrontation match the level of offense? You might be tempted to exaggerate the offense because you have not found comfort for your hurt. The severity of the encounter must be balanced to match the severity of the offense.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.\u201d (Micah 6:8)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Will you complete the task and help your offender? Are you willing to do what it takes to work with the offender to overcome sin patterns for the sake of your relationship and in obedience to God? Before you confront, make sure you are willing to invest the time and energy necessary to encourage the offender to overcome the offensive behavior.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.\u2026 Reaffirm your love for him.\u201d (2 Corinthians 2:6\u20138)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIs it gossip or slander to ask someone for counsel about how to confront someone who has offended me?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: The principle of first confronting a person alone does not mean that you should not seek godly counsel about how to confront. While you should be careful with whom you talk, you may need to get advice before a difficult confrontation. The first step of actual confronting should be done privately because it is usually easier for the offender to accept what you are saying when you go alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cListen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.\u201d (Proverbs 19:20)<\/p>\n
D. The Three Approaches for Confrontation<\/p>\n
After you decide that you are going to confront, you must decide the best way to confront so that the person can receive the maximum benefit. Since different methods produce different results, consider the following scenarios and how you can best use them to help the one you are confronting.<\/p>\n
The apostle Paul used both face-to-face and written confrontation in his ministry to the early churches. His example of assertive confrontation through these two approaches is seen throughout His epistles and can be of great value to you as you seek to confront others in a godly way.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven when we were with you, we gave you this rule: \u2018If a man will not work, he shall not eat.\u2019 We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.\u201d
\n(2 Thessalonians 3:10\u201312)<\/p>\n
FACE-TO-FACE (GENERALLY THE FIRST CHOICE)<\/p>\n
ADVANTAGES
\nDISADVANTAGES
\n\u2022 Most personal form of communication
\n\u2022 Most threatening to the offender and to the confronter
\n\u2022 Allows you visually to \u2026
\n\u2014 express your concern in person
\n\u2014 see immediate reaction
\n\u2014 read body language
\n\u2022 Gives little time for offender to ponder your words and to process before responding
\n\u2022 Allows you to \u2026
\n\u2014 hear tone of voice
\n\u2014 receive immediate feedback
\n\u2014 clarify misunderstanding
\n\u2014 determine the acceptance or rejection of the confrontation
\n\u2022 Can be more emotional
\n\u2022 Allows the offender to visually see your concern and care through your facial expressions, eyes, and body language
\n\u2022 Offers less control over what is heard and what is said\u2014may lead to regrettable statements
\n\u2022 Not preferable if you have engaged in a sexually immoral relationship with the one you are confronting<\/p>\n
TELEPHONE (GENERALLY THE SECOND CHOICE)<\/p>\n
ADVANTAGES
\nDISADVANTAGES
\n\u2022 Less formal than face-to-face
\n\u2014 usually easier to set up the meeting
\n\u2014 allows you direct confrontation with less intensity
\n\u2022 Immediacy perhaps more threatening to the offender
\n\u2022 Sometimes provides more privacy than trying to meet in person
\n\u2022 Gives the offender little time to process before reacting
\n\u2022 Allows you to \u2026
\n\u2014 hear the immediate reaction
\n\u2014 hear tone of voice
\n\u2014 receive immediate feedback
\n\u2014 clarify misunderstandings
\n\u2014 determine the acceptance or rejection of the confrontation
\n\u2022 Doesn\u2019t allow you to express warmth or concern through your body language
\n\u2022 Provides safety by allowing both parties the option of terminating the conversation
\n\u2022 Can be more easily terminated by the offender before the conflict is resolved
\n\u2022 Provides a better opportunity for repeated contact and follow-up<\/p>\n
WRITTEN (GENERALLY THE THIRD CHOICE)<\/p>\n
ADVANTAGES
\nDISADVANTAGES
\n\u2022 Offers the most objective scenario because it is not done in haste
\n\u2022 Such an established permanent record cannot be rescinded
\n\u2022 Provides control of wording, timing, expression
\n\u2022 Certain negative behaviors need a more personal confrontation in order to address the need for change
\n\u2022 Provides a healthy distance from a physical, sexual, or emotional abuser
\n\u2022 Offender can choose not to respond
\n\u2022 Allows for repeated reading of the letter for better understanding
\n\u2022 Follow-up conversation may be necessary to resolve conflict and pursue mutual forgiveness
\n\u2022 Sometimes makes your feelings known without your need to confront
\n\u2022 Copies of any written correspondence can be sent to others who are not involved in the difficult relationship<\/p>\n
E. How to Use the Sandwich Technique<\/p>\n
When confronting someone who needs to be corrected, the \u201cSandwich Technique\u201d has proved to be an effective way to both instruct and encourage at the same time. We all know how it feels to be unsuccessful, to have plans fail for lack of preparation, information, or skills\u2014or to have relationships fail for lack of insight, discernment, or communication. We also know how it feels to fail because of blatant wrongdoing on our part, reacting angrily when disappointed, forcing compliance when pressured, or seeking retaliation when rejected. In such times, we need someone to come alongside us and, in a gentle, nonthreatening way, \u201cset us straight\u201d before we do even more harm.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.\u201d
\n(Galatians 6:1)<\/p>\n
The Sandwich Technique<\/p>\n
\u2022 Bread of praise: Begin with a positive statement, a sincere compliment, or a genuine statement of loving care. Accentuate the positive aspect of the situation.<\/p>\n
Example: \u201cI know this is a very difficult time for you, but I know you have the God-given courage and the ability to rise above this situation and turn it around. I would love to help you if you will let me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA man finds joy in giving an apt reply\u2014and how good is a timely word!\u201d (Proverbs 15:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Meat of correction: Clarify the desired goal. Objectively recount the chain of events that led up to the present problem, examining what might have gone wrong and why. Problem-solve by brainstorming about possible options presently available for correcting the situation. Then determine a future course of action.<\/p>\n
Example: \u201cLet\u2019s look at the situation and ask God to help us figure out what happened and how we can work on establishing a new strategy that will set you on a correction course and improve your chances of being successful.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.\u201d (Proverbs 12:1)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Bread of encouragement: Conclude with a statement expressing confidence and assurance of future success.<\/p>\n
Example: \u201cI\u2019ve seen you overcome difficulties in the past, and I know you can do this. I\u2019m extremely proud of you. I believe in you, and I believe in God, who lives within you. If you follow His leading and rely on Him for your sufficiency, you will succeed at everything He calls you to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEncourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
F. Conducting a One-on-One Confrontation<\/p>\n
SET YOUR GOALS FOR CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t choose any setting where interruptions or distractions could easily occur. Suggest a place. \u201cLet\u2019s meet in the conference room where we can have privacy and not be interrupted.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Control the time and place as much as possible to minimize distractions and to maximize privacy and focus. A neutral setting is best where there are no telephone interruptions, television, music, or Internet distractions.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.\u201d (Ecclesiastes 3:1)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t become angry or defensive at the negative reaction of those confronted. Avoid a statement like this: \u201cDon\u2019t get mad at me. You\u2019re the one in the wrong!\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Speak directly and honestly, but also gently and respectfully, knowing that the one you are speaking to needs a changed heart. \u201cI realize this is difficult to hear, but we can work it out and get things resolved between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.\u201d (Proverbs 17:27)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t speak for others. \u201cSome people feel like you.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Keep the conversation personal! \u201cI have noticed.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.\u201d (Proverbs 16:21)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t attack character. \u201cYou\u2019re lazy \u2026 dishonest \u2026 greedy \u2026 hateful \u2026 irresponsible!\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Address behavior\u2014specific problematic patterns. \u201cI\u2019m concerned that you\u2019re not following through on your commitments. You\u2019re consistently late ().\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.\u201d (Proverbs 12:18)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t use generalities or inference. \u201cYou just need to change!\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Speak in concrete, specific terms. \u201cI\u2019m concerned about the direction your life is going. When I () (), I felt () because ().\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.\u201d (Proverbs 13:14)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t use shaming tactics. \u201cRemember when you ()? You should feel horrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Help the offender process any guilt or shame. \u201cI know you must feel bad about your actions, and I do too. But God doesn\u2019t want you to be guilt-ridden, and neither do I. Can we talk about it and turn it over to Him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBe kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.\u201d (Ephesians 4:32)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t focus on your own pain. \u201cI continue to feel angry, hurt, frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Focus on the offender\u2019s need to repent and change.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe [the Lord] is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.\u201d (2 Peter 3:9)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t shut off conversation or objectivity. \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear anything you have to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Listen to the offender \u2026 and be prepared to change your perspective of the offense.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.\u201d (Proverbs 15:28)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t say, \u201cYou\u2019re hopeless\u201d or act as though no hope exists.<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Offer hope. Realize there are no hopeless people\u2014only those who feel hopeless. God offers hope to everyone.<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018I know the plans I have for you,\u2019 declares the LORD, \u2018plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.\u2019 \u201d (Jeremiah 29:11)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t put people \u201cin cement,\u201d assuming they will never change. \u201cYou\u2019ll never change! You\u2019ll always.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Be patient, praying that as you plant seeds of truth, in time the person will change. Realize that people don\u2019t change overnight.<\/p>\n
\u201cBe patient with everyone.\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:14)<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t assume that a confrontation is wasted just because it ends in anger or rejection. \u201cI guess this was just a waste of time and energy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Be prepared for hostility and lack of cooperation. Some people need time to process a confrontation before they can take responsibility. Leave open an opportunity for further communication.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Lord\u2019s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone.\u2026 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:24\u201326)<\/p>\n
G. Common Questions about Confrontation<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cHow do I respond to someone who reacts defensively or with anger when confronted?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: You cannot control the response of others. If you lovingly and responsibly confront, yet people fail to respond appropriately, you may need to let them go by releasing them to God. Each person is directly accountable before God for their wrong behavior, and ultimately He will judge them justly.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of us will give an account of himself to God.\u201d (Romans 14:12)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIf I have confronted someone for wrong behavior and that person continues to rebuff my words, should I continue to bring it up?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: If no change occurs after repeated attempts to confront someone who is clearly wrong, don\u2019t continue confronting. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cIf anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.\u201d (Matthew 10:14)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIf someone refuses to take responsibility when confronted, can I take that person to court? What can I legally do when someone has wronged me in a way that costs me materially or psychologically?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: The goal of confrontation is to correct someone who is at fault in order to ultimately bring unity and peace. Litigation is used when rights have been violated and a person refuses to accept responsibility. Litigation rarely results in unity or peace. That is why Scripture instructs Christians to settle their conflicts outside of court (1 Corinthians 6:1\u20137). Some disputes can best be settled with the help of others who will listen to both parties and then mediate a settlement (Matthew 18:15\u201317). With an unbeliever, although civil action is not forbidden, God\u2019s heart is still for reconciliation.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way, or he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison.\u201d (Luke 12:58)<\/p>\n
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONSTRUCTIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
Destructive Confrontation \u2026
\nConstructive Confrontation \u2026
\n\u2022 Focuses on character
\n\u2022 Focuses on behavior
\n\u2022 Uses degrading, accusing, or threatening words to motivate change
\n\u2022 Uses loving, hopeful, and encouraging words to motivate change
\n\u2022 Assumes a negative motive in offensive behavior
\n\u2022 Assumes a desire to grow and become more like Christ
\n\u2022 Gives no opportunity for apology or restitution
\n\u2022 Invites confession and is eager to forgive and seek reconciliation
\n\u2022 Demands immediate correction as a condition for continued fellowship
\n\u2022 Allows for time to grow and learn better behaviors
\n\u2022 Imposes no consequences or disproportionate consequences
\n\u2022 Offers appropriate consequences that develop character and responsibility
\n\u2022 Puts total responsibility for correction on the offender
\n\u2022 Accepts responsibility for accountability through the change process<\/p>\n
\u201cLove is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 13:4\u20138)<\/p>\n
H. Mastering the Assertive Style<\/p>\n
The secret to mastering confrontation is to learn not only how to confront assertively, but also how to interact effectively with the different ways people respond. For example, your approach toward a passive person should be different from your approach toward an aggressive person.<\/p>\n
THE KEY COMPONENTS OF ASSERTIVE CONFRONTATION<\/p>\n
\u2022 Begin with a positive statement\u2014a sincere compliment.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI value our relationship. I appreciate your ().\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Describe the unacceptable behavior and how it made you feel. (Address only the facts. Make no personal attacks.)<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cThe last three times that we agreed to leave at 8:45, you arrived late, and we didn\u2019t leave until after 9:00. Truthfully, being late makes me feel not only bad but also disrespected.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Present expectations.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI would like for us to go together, but no matter what you choose to do, I have decided to be on time from this point forward.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Communicate consequences with a plan of accountability.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cIn order to be on time next week, we need to leave by 8:45. If you\u2019re not here by then, I will have to leave without you. However, I\u2019m hoping we can leave together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInstruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 9:9)<\/p>\n
#1 Confronting \u201cAvoiders\u201d\u2014The Assertive Approach to Passive People<\/p>\n
Deal gently, but firmly with passive people. Fear of failure causes them to not want to take responsibility. Your goal as an assertive confronter is not to push passive people out of their comfort zone, but to elicit their cooperation and to get an agreed upon plan with accountability for a change of behavior. (Realize that acting assertively may feel aggressive to those who are passive.) Consider this example of confrontation with a passive person who is repetitively late.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Involve them in the problem and offer solutions. Counter their objections with encouragement that a change of behavior is possible.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cHow do you feel about being late?\u201d (Wait for a response.) \u201cI\u2019m glad to hear that you don\u2019t want to be late. What are you doing before coming here that causes you to be late? What creative alternative do you think would bring about a solution? What do you think about planning to be here at 8:30 instead of at 8:45? You could set your clock ahead fifteen minutes to help you to be on time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Declare in specific, measurable terms what is to be expected.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cIf we are to go together, I need you to be here by 8:45. I expect you to call me by 8:30 if you see that you cannot make it so that I can make other arrangements.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Give them simple choices to help them make decisions.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cWould you rather be here at 8:45 so that we can go together, or would you like for me to make other arrangements?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Obtain their agreement to follow through, and hold them accountable.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cAre we in agreement that you will be here no later than 8:45?\u201d (Wait for a response.) \u201cThank you! That means a lot to me. To make sure we\u2019re on the same track, will you call me at 8:30 to assure me that you are leaving on time? I feel sure you\u2019re not trying to be late and that in your heart you really do want to be on time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.\u201d (Proverbs 1:5)<\/p>\n
#2 Confronting \u201cAttackers\u201d\u2014The Assertive Approach to Aggressive People<\/p>\n
Deal directly with those who are aggressive because they respond well to those who stand up to them. Consciously choose to be calm, yet bold. Determine that you will not be intimidated by fear or provoked to anger. The goal is not to win an argument, but to gain agreement that a change of behavior is necessary and then to devise a plan for change.<\/p>\n
\u2014Reclaim whatever control of your life that you should not have given away.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cUntil now, I have not said anything about your being late. However, being on time is an important value to me. In the future I plan to be on time even if it means going by myself; therefore, if we are going to go together, you need to be on time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Give the aggressive person time to talk. Then say back what you heard.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cWhat I\u2019m hearing you say is.\u2026 Is that right? Is there anything else you want to say about that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Openly defuse a competitive atmosphere.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI realize we don\u2019t see eye-to-eye on this subject. My expectation\u2014wanting to be on time\u2014is not a personal attack against you. To me, repetitive lateness is an issue of integrity\u2014a destructive habit that only you have the power to change. Do you understand why this is important not just to me, but to you as well?\u201d (Wait for a response.) \u201cGood!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Draw the line in the sand: State the principle and maintain it.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI need you to make a commitment to be on time. If you won\u2019t make this a priority, I will make other arrangements to go by myself. You may not see this as an issue of integrity, but I do. Integrity involves being reliable and faithful to keep your word. Because I know you want to be a person of integrity, you need to develop the habit of being on time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe man of integrity walks securely.\u201d (Proverbs 10:9)<\/p>\n
#3 Confronting \u201cAmbushers\u201d\u2014The Assertive Response to Passive-Aggressive People<\/p>\n
Deal directly and transparently with passive-aggressive people. Because they are afraid to state their desires through direct interaction, your goal is to confront their indirect attacks and motivate them to be open and direct with you.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Expose their offensive behavior while holding them accountable for the truth.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cYou\u2019ve been over 30 minutes late the last three times. Do you agree that this is true?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Confront their covert issues with you by inviting direct and open criticism.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cHave I done something to offend you? Have I done something to cause you to be afraid of me? Is there a reason why you want to be late? Have you considered that it might be intentional?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Hold them accountable to ask for what they want.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI want you to talk with me directly and state explicitly what you want\u2014I need that! I can\u2019t read your mind. Will you do that for me and, more importantly, for yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 State your expectation of having direct communication between the two of you, along with the consequences of not doing so.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI see that the underlying problem is not your lateness, but instead a lack of direct communication between the two of us. I realize that being late may not be an issue of integrity for you, but it is an issue of integrity to me. In the future, I will need you to be on time if we are to go together. Otherwise, we will go separately. But more importantly, I am expecting you to come to me about any problems you have with me. Can we agree on that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.\u201d (Proverbs 11:3)<\/p>\n
I. Crisis Confrontation for Chronic Problems<\/p>\n
What can you do when you confront a loved one who has a chronic problem\u2014an addiction, a bad habit, or another behavior that is self-destructive or dangerous to others\u2014and they refuse to change? When a personal confrontation is ineffective at bringing correction and life change, introduce the group dynamic\u2014there is power in numbers!<\/p>\n
Many times, personal confrontation and earnest appeals fall on deaf ears. Even when several individuals confront one-on-one, each plea is dismissed. As individuals, you are powerless\u2014as a group, you are dynamite. A group can be empowered by God to move the immovable. God\u2019s Word lays out the blueprint for such an intervention.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that \u2018every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Matthew 18:15\u201316)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pray for wisdom and understanding from the Lord.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.\u201d (Proverbs 2:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Educate yourself regarding the offender\u2019s particular addiction or besetting sin.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.\u201d (Proverbs 18:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Enlist the aid of the key people affected by the offender\u2019s harmful behavior\u2014people who are willing to confront (caring family, friends, employer, coworkers, a spiritual leader).<\/p>\n
\u201cA truthful witness saves lives.\u201d (Proverbs 14:25)<\/p>\n
\u2022 In absolute confidentiality and without the offender present, hold a first meeting in which these key people rehearse what they will say, how they will say it, and the order in which they will speak when confronting.<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted.\u201d (Proverbs 27:5\u20136)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Hold a second meeting with the offender present where one at a time each key confronter communicates genuine care for the offender and then shares the rehearsed confrontations (The Four P\u2019s of an Appeal).<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.\u201d (Proverbs 15:4)<\/p>\n
THE FOUR P\u2019S OF AN APPEAL<\/p>\n
#1 The Personal<\/p>\n
\u2014 Affirm rather than attack.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI want you to know how much I value you (or love or care about you), and I am genuinely concerned about your behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.\u201d (Ephesians 4:29)<\/p>\n
#2 The Past<\/p>\n
\u2014 Give a recent, specific example describing the offender\u2019s negative behavior and the personal impact it had on you.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cYesterday, when you were drunk and slurred your speech in front of my friend, I felt humiliated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA truthful witness gives honest testimony.\u201d (Proverbs 12:17)<\/p>\n
\u00bb Be brief, keeping examples to three or four sentences.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.\u201d (Proverbs 17:27)<\/p>\n
#3 The Pain<\/p>\n
\u2014 Emphasize the painful impact the addict\u2019s behavior has had on you by using \u201cI\u201d statements.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI felt deeply hurt and degraded because of the way you yelled at me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA wise man\u2019s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.\u201d (Proverbs 16:23)<\/p>\n
#4 The Plea<\/p>\n
\u2014 Make a personal plea for your loved one to receive treatment.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cI plead with you to get the help you need to overcome (). If you are willing, you will have my help and deepest respect.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death.\u201d (Proverbs 18:21)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be prepared to implement an immediate plan if treatment is agreed on.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cYour bags have been packed, and you have been accepted into the treatment program at .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, \u2018But we knew nothing about this,\u2019 does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?\u201d (Proverbs 24:11\u201312)<\/p>\n
\u2014 If treatment is refused, detail the repercussions.<\/p>\n
\u00bb \u201cWe cannot allow you to come home or to be with our family until you have been clean and sober for ().\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.\u201d (Proverbs 15:10)<\/p>\n
J. What Is the Best Response When You are Confronted?<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever heeds correction is honored.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 13:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make your relationship a priority over your personal rights.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?\u201d (1 Corinthians 6:7)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Demonstrate a heart willing to understand the other person\u2019s perspective. Be willing to change where necessary and to heal any relational tension.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.\u201d (Romans 12:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen carefully even if you disagree with the other person\u2019s perspective. Give yourself time to consider what the other person says before you respond.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.\u201d (James 1:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Respond with humility. Give your reputation to God, and ask Him to help you with your relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cHumble yourselves, therefore, under God\u2019s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.\u201d (1 Peter 5:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Consider those who confront you as being a gift from God. Flattery builds your pride, but confrontation helps you grow in the Lord.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.\u201d (Proverbs 28:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Maintain dignity and discernment. Allow God to speak to you through the other person. Your confronter may be someone who can help you get past an obstacle in your life. Even if you do not agree with your confronter, God may still use this opportunity for you to esteem the confronter for the courage displayed in confronting you and for the value placed on your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.\u201d (Proverbs 15:32)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do not be defensive or reactive, but consider the counsel of your confronter. God may be using that person to help you grow closer to Him. The benefits of confrontation may include coming closer to God, living a more loving lifestyle, and growing more intimate with your confronter.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed\u2014without remedy.\u201d (Proverbs 29:1)<\/p>\n
K. Confrontational Styles of Relating<\/p>\n
PASSIVE AVOIDER
\nAGGRESSIVE ATTACKER
\nPASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE AMBUSHER
\nASSERTIVE ACTIVATER
\n\u2022 Fears confrontation
\n\u2022 Incites confrontation
\n\u2022 Resents confrontation
\n\u2022 Values confrontation
\n\u2022 Rarely expresses personal needs and desires to others
\n\u2022 Demands personal needs and desires be met by others
\n\u2022 Covertly tries to get personal needs and desires met by others
\n\u2022 Expresses needs and desires to others
\n\u2022 Communicates by saying what they think others want to hear
\n\u2022 Communicates by using self-serving statements
\n\u2022 Communicates by using silence as a weapon
\n\u2022 Communicates by speaking the truth directly and correcting errors with facts
\n\u2022 Agrees with everything \u2026 but acts on nothing
\n\u2022 Disagrees excessively and acts selfishly
\n\u2022 Appears to agree \u2026 but acts to get even
\n\u2022 Agrees to disagree respectfully and acts with impartiality
\n\u2022 Holds others accountable for own happiness, sadness, anger without communicating desires
\n\u2022 Holds others accountable for own happiness, sadness, anger through coercion and intimidation
\n\u2022 Holds others accountable for own happiness, sadness, anger through manipulation with sympathy and guilt
\n\u2022 Holds self accountable for own happiness, sadness, anger through positive choices
\n\u2022 Speaks only when forced to communicate
\n\u2022 Speaks with accusations and open attacks
\n\u2022 Speaks behind your back and conspires against you
\n\u2022 Speaks directly and with respect
\n\u2022 Acts unsure of the truth
\n\u2022 Acts certain of the truth
\n\u2022 Acts unconcerned about the truth
\n\u2022 Acts on the truth
\n\u2022 Wants the interaction over quickly
\n\u2022 Wants to control the interaction
\n\u2022 Wants to win through indirect interaction
\n\u2022 Wants direct interaction for resolution
\n\u2022 Expects others to pick up on hints and to read their minds
\n\u2022 Expects others to respond to their demands
\n\u2022 Expects to defuse confrontation with jokes and sarcasm
\n\u2022 Expects to get to the source of the problem
\n\u2022 Sees losing as inevitable
\n\u2022 Sees winning as everything
\n\u2022 Sees covert attacks as the way to win
\n\u2022 Sees a way for everyone to win
\n\u2022 Justifies having a fear-based mentality toward others
\n\u2022 Justifies open attacks on others
\n\u2022 Justifies covert attacks on others
\n\u2022 Justifies God-given responsibility to confront others
\n\u2022 Aim is to avoid conflict in relationships
\n\u2022 Aim is to dominate relationships
\n\u2022 Aim is to manipulate relationships
\n\u2022 Aim is to have healthy relationships
\n\u201cFear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 29:25)
\n\u201cA fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 29:11)
\n\u201cHe who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 13:13)
\n\u201cThe wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:21)<\/p>\n
L. The Four Confrontation Styles Illustrated in the Gospels<\/p>\n
The four Gospels shine a spotlight on the four different styles of confrontation, as seen just prior to the crucifixion of Christ. We can see each style highlighted because of memorable individuals who have shaped the course of human history.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Passive Avoider: Pontius Pilate<\/p>\n
Pilate was a peace-at-any-price person. This Roman governor was faced with a difficult dilemma: What should he do with Jesus? Condemn Him or free Him? His personal fear of losing his powerful position\u2014if mounting public unrest erupted into violence\u2014was being pitted against the fate of an innocent man. He affirmed Jesus\u2019 innocence, but in the end he was too afraid to free Him from the snares of death. Rather than asserting himself, Pilate tried to quickly end his conflict by passing Jesus off to Herod. When that didn\u2019t work, he handed Jesus over to an angry mob \u2026 literally washing his hands of the matter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. \u2018I am innocent of this man\u2019s blood,\u2019 he said. \u2018It is your responsibility!\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 27:24)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Aggressive Attackers: The Self-Righteous Pharisees<\/p>\n
Envious and exasperated, Israel\u2019s religious leaders incited the crowd into a murderous frenzy. Capitalizing on Pilate\u2019s character flaws, they coerced him into surrendering Jesus for crucifixion. This \u201cbrood of vipers\u201d tested, tempted, and taunted Jesus at every turn, attacking him openly. They remained completely unwilling to embrace His teachings or the possibility that His claims might be true. In doing so, they not only missed their Messiah, but used Rome to crucify Him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed.\u2026 \u2018What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?\u2019 Pilate asked. They all answered, \u2018Crucify him!\u2019 \u2026 Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.\u201d (Matthew 27:20, 22, 26)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Passive-Aggressive Ambusher: Judas Iscariot<\/p>\n
For three years, Judas masqueraded as a devoted disciple \u2026 cloaking dark motives with his privileged position. His protests against Mary\u2019s \u201cwasting\u201d expensive perfume to anoint Jesus\u2019 feet\u2014funds better spent on the poor\u2014were a decoy to disguise his own greed. Deceptive and covert, in a secret meeting with his conspirators, he accepted 30 pieces of silver in exchange for betraying Jesus. Even when it was time to identify Jesus to his enemies, this ultimate ambusher remained covert\u2014going under the cover of darkness and sealing the Lord\u2019s fate with a kiss.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe betrayer had arranged a signal with them: \u2018The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.\u2019 \u2026 But Jesus asked him, \u2018Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 26:48; Luke 22:48)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Assertive Activator: Jesus Christ<\/p>\n
The Savior came that we \u201cmay have life, and that [we] may have it more abundantly\u201d (John 10:10 NKJV). No motive has been more pure \u2026 no action more unselfish. His mission led him to confront evil at every turn\u2014dishonest money changers, hypocritical religious leaders, corrupt government officials, common sinners. With each encounter, Jesus remains the only person in history who always assertively confronted sin with total integrity, flawless discernment, and perfectly chosen words.<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018I have spoken openly to the world,\u2019 Jesus replied. \u2018I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret. Why question me? Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said.\u2019 When Jesus said this, one of the officials nearby struck him in the face. \u2018Is this the way you answer the high priest?\u2019 he demanded. \u2018If I said something wrong,\u2019 Jesus replied, \u2018testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?\u2019 \u201d (John 18:20\u201323)<\/p>\n
The artist uses the hammer and the chisel to remove bits of granite in order to produce a beautiful sculpture. God, the Master Sculptor, wants to take you in His hands to use you as His hammer and chisel to produce an extraordinary work of art\u2014Christlike character in the one you confront.
\n\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae. NIV\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked \u201cNKJV\u2122\u201d are taken from the New King James Version\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
We acknowledge that mistakes could occur in the writing of any of our resources or an omission may be found in the many Scripture references and citations contained herein. Although the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have crept in or been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility. The considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.<\/p>\n
The Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.<\/p>\n
To order CDs, tapes, resource books and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication, Conflict Resolution, Critical Spirit, Forgiveness, Friendship, Reconciliation, Verbal & Emotional Abuse, Victimization, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART P.O. Box 7 Dallas, TX 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).
\nPlease visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.hopefortheheart.org<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 2004\u20132008 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
@book{Hunt_2008,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Confrontation: Challenging Others to Change},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2008}}<\/p>\n
Exportiert aus Verbum, 15:15 15. M\u00e4rz 2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cAdam, Eve, where are you?\u201d The probing voice of God pierces the evening air, confronting the two pounding hearts hiding in the foliage. Just hours before, all was so perfect, so peaceful \u2026 but when they ate the forbidden fruit, everything changed. They chose to disobey God\u2014they chose to defy His authority\u2014and now they flinch … <\/p>\n