Living in obscurity as a Jewish orphan, she seemed the least likely candidate to be the mediator\u2014the only mediator\u2014to possibly save her people from sure destruction. However, the Lord knew her heart \u2026 and He knew she would face the most severe conflict of her life with complete humility.<\/p>\n
The entire conflict arose because of conniving Haman, a royal official in the king\u2019s court, who devised a plot to murder every Jewish person in the empire. His fury had been flamed by a man who refused to bow down to him\u2014namely, Esther\u2019s cousin Mordecai, who had raised her. Little did Esther know that she would carry the fate of the Jewish people on her shoulders as she faced a conflict of epic proportions. Yet Mordecai aptly posed \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWho knows whether you have not come
\nto the kingdom for such a time as this?\u201d
\n(Esther 4:14 ESV)<\/p>\n
I. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n
Just how does Esther, this unknown young woman, become queen? After days of feasting, King Ahasuerus (King Xerxes) is \u201cmerry with wine\u201d and wants to show off the beauty of his wife before the people and nobles. He summons seven attendants to send for her.\u2026 However, Queen Vashti refuses to come. The king becomes enraged.<\/p>\n
At the advice of his closest counselors, the king issues a royal decree: Queen Vashti can never again enter into the king\u2019s presence, and she will be replaced! (Esther 1:19). With this new edict, the outward conflict between the king and queen appears to be \u201cresolved.\u201d But the resolution of one conflict sometimes gives rise to another\u2014now the king has no queen. And because of the queen\u2019s haughtiness, the king\u2019s advisors felt they had to take action or else throughout the land \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThere will be no end of disrespect and discord.\u201d
\n(Esther 1:18)<\/p>\n
A. What Is a Conflict?<\/p>\n
In order to avoid discord and conflict among the people, a major search ensues. All the beautiful young virgins in the land are rounded up so that \u201cthe girl who pleases the king\u201d would be selected as queen (Esther 2:4). Esther, described as a young woman who \u201cwas lovely to look at,\u201d quickly gains favor. At Cousin Mordecai\u2019s instruction, she does not reveal her heritage. After a full year, Esther is finally taken to the king and he, \u201cloved Esther more than all the women \u2026 and made her queen instead of Vashti\u201d (Esther 2:17). The plan for alleviating the loneliness of the king puts Esther on the path of God\u2019s divine purpose\u2014but also on a collision course with a conflict of colossal proportions.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts are disagreements, struggles, or battles over opposing issues or principles.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflictus, the Latin word, means an \u201cact of striking together or clashing with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflict, in Greek, is often the word agon, from which the English word \u201cagony\u201d is derived. Originally meaning a \u201cplace of conflict,\u201d this word came to mean the actual conflict itself and later any kind of conflict, struggle, or strife. The apostle Paul said, \u201cI want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally\u201d (Colossians 2:1).<\/p>\n
Now a personal power struggle begins when corrupt Haman, the top royal official, becomes infuriated with Mordecai, who day after day refuses to bow down to him. Meanwhile, wise Mordecai uncovers a plot that ultimately saves the king\u2019s life. Haman is so outraged that, when he discovers Mordecai is a Jew, he manipulates getting a royal decree from the king mandating the massacre of all the Jews\u2014every man, woman, and child. Haman has won the conflict. He will get his homage \u2026 but at a very high\u2014and horrific cost.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor, he was enraged. Yet having learned who Mordecai\u2019s people were, he scorned the idea of killing only Mordecai. Instead Haman looked for a way to destroy all Mordecai\u2019s people, the Jews, throughout the whole kingdom of Xerxes.\u201d
\n(Esther 3:5\u20136)<\/p>\n
B. What Is the Difference between Resolution and Reconciliation?<\/p>\n
At this point, no positive resolution is possible. The king\u2019s decree has sounded. However, Mordecai appeals to Esther for help. She can\u2019t believe what Mordecai is asking her to do. He knows the law: \u201cAny man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death\u201d (Esther 4:11).<\/p>\n
Since she has not been summoned by the king for 30 days, how can she go to the king to plead on behalf of her people? What if the king becomes displeased with her? She needs to be reconciled to the king. Clearly, going to the king will mean putting her life on the line. To which Mordecai responds that her life is on the line either way!<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not think that because you are in the king\u2019s house you alone of all the Jews will escape.\u2026 And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?\u201d
\n(Esther 4:13\u201314)<\/p>\n
RESOLUTION VERSUS RECONCILIATION<\/p>\n
Resolution and reconciliation are different.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Resolution means \u201cfinding the answer,\u201d derived from the Latin resolutionem, \u201cthe process of reducing things into simpler form\u201d or \u201cto lessen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reconciliation means \u201c100 % restoration to harmony\u201d; \u201cto bring together again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some differences may never be resolved, but you can still be reconciled to those with whom you differ. At other times, resolution may be possible, but reconciliation inappropriate\u2014such as in the case of adultery or cult entrapment\u2014God requires only that, as far as it is possible, you seek to be at peace with everyone.<\/p>\n
\u201cAim for perfection \u2026 be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.\u201d
\n(2 Corinthians 13:11)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIs forgiveness the same as reconciliation?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: No. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness focuses on the offense, whereas reconciliation focuses on the relationship. Forgiveness requires no relationship, while reconciliation requires nurturing a relationship\u2014a time of coming together in which two people, in agreement, are walking together toward the same goal. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cDo two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?\u201d (Amos 3:3)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Types of Conflict?<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, Esther is facing an inner conflict just as heavy, just as grave, just as deadly as the outer conflict caused by Haman.<\/p>\n
On multiple levels, Esther is a conflicted soul. Where will she find the strength, the courage, to do what needs to be done, what must be done?<\/p>\n
#1 Intrapersonal conflict<\/p>\n
\u2014 A struggle within oneself to decide between two or more choices.<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Book of Esther, does Esther approach the king in an attempt to save the Jewish people from extinction\u2014which could earn her a death sentence\u2014or does she remain silent and live? Esther said,<\/p>\n
\u201cAll the king\u2019s officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death. The only exception to this is for the king to extend the gold scepter to him and spare his life. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king.\u201d (Esther 4:11)<\/p>\n
#2 Interpersonal conflict<\/p>\n
\u2014 A clash of ideas or interests between two or more people.<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Book of Esther, malicious Haman plots to have Mordecai murdered only because Mordecai refuses to bow down to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor, he was enraged.\u201d (Esther 3:5)<\/p>\n
#3 Intraorganizational conflict<\/p>\n
\u2014 A competitive or opposing action within a group (a family, department, church, political party, state, or nation).<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Book of Esther, the king learns about the plot which was crafted\u2014not by the enemy on the outside\u2014but by Haman, his top official on the inside. The king becomes enraged after realizing Haman has manipulated him into issuing a death sentence to murder all the Jewish people.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe king got up in a rage, left his wine and went out into the palace garden.\u2026 So they hanged Haman on the gallows he had prepared for Mordecai. Then the king\u2019s fury subsided.\u201d (Esther 7:7, 10)<\/p>\n
#4 Interorganizational conflict<\/p>\n
\u2014 A battle or opposing action between two or more groups (families, companies, religions, or countries).<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Book of Esther, because of Haman\u2019s surreptitious plot, the Persian nation threatens to annihilate the entire Jewish population\u2014men, women, and children.<\/p>\n
\u201cDispatches were sent by couriers to all the king\u2019s provinces with the order to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews\u2014young and old, women and little children\u2014on a single day, the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, the month of Adar, and to plunder their goods.\u201d (Esther 3:13)<\/p>\n
Conflict abounds \u2026 in the Book of Esther, just as conflict fills the pages of our lives. The \u201cshould I\u201d or \u201cshouldn\u2019t I\u2019s,\u201d disharmony in the home, wars in the workplace \u2026 all try us and ought to lead us to the One to whom Esther will turn for the strength, courage, and resolution she needs. His name isn\u2019t even mentioned in the entire Book of Esther, but His sovereignty spreads itself like a shadow over every chapter.<\/p>\n
D. What Is God\u2019s Heart on Conflict Resolution?<\/p>\n
Drastic times call for drastic measures.<\/p>\n
Esther asks Mordecai to gather all the Jews in Susa, one of the empire\u2019s main capitals, and have them all fast for her. Three entire days of no food and no drink, and she and her maids will do the same. Esther enlists the people of God to pray for rescue, for resolution of the most formidable challenge of her life.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.\u201d
\n(Esther 4:16)<\/p>\n
Her act of faith worked to open his heart. When she approaches the king without having been summoned, he extends to her the golden scepter of grace. Now she is allowed to make her request. When Esther invites the king and Haman to a banquet that day, the king seems eager to fulfill her wishes.<\/p>\n
After the king and Haman attend the feast, Esther invites them to a second feast the next day. On this day she will plead the case on behalf of her people.<\/p>\n
In the middle of the feasts, Haman is crafting gallows 50 cubits high (75 feet) on which to have Mordecai hanged! But while Haman is building, the king orders that the book of memorable deeds during his reign be read to him. Found within its pages is the account of Mordecai\u2019s having saved the king\u2019s life. The following morning as Haman arrives at the palace to talk about hanging Mordecai, the king asks him, \u201cWhat should be done for the man the king delights to honor?\u201d (Esther 6:6).<\/p>\n
Confident the king must be referring to him, Haman proposes placing royal robes and a crown on the man and having a noble official lead him on one of the king\u2019s horses through the city square, proclaiming, \u201cThis is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!\u201d (Esther 6:9).<\/p>\n
While Haman is indeed part of the king\u2019s plan, his role is beside the horse, not on it! Humiliated, Haman leads Mordecai, mounted on a steed, through the city streets\u2014for all to see. Then, entirely mortified, Haman returns home after the public spectacle. There he receives from his wife and friends a message not of hope, but of doom: \u201cSince Mordecai, before whom your downfall has started, is of Jewish origin, you cannot stand against him\u2014you will surely come to ruin!\u201d (Esther 6:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts can be used to accomplish God\u2019s purpose. (Only after becoming queen was Esther able to save the Jewish nation.)<\/p>\n
\u201cWe know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.\u201d (Romans 8:28)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts cannot always be avoided. (Esther and the Jewish people could not escape Haman\u2019s threats.)<\/p>\n
\u201cI have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.\u201d (John 16:33)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts are not necessarily bad. Handled well, they provide an opportunity for role modeling. (For centuries, Esther has been and continues to be a role model of how to make an appeal to a higher authority.)<\/p>\n
\u201cAs iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.\u201d (Proverbs 27:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts require action toward peace. (Esther had to take action in order to save her people.)<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.\u201d (Romans 14:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts require advance preparation and planning. (Esther meticulously planned two royal dinners, the timing of her petition, and her very words.)<\/p>\n
\u201cPrepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.\u201d (1 Peter 1:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Conflicts can be settled through negotiation. (Esther graciously negotiated with the king.)<\/p>\n
\u201cListen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.\u201d (Proverbs 19:20)<\/p>\n
E. Who Creates Conflict and Who Keeps It Going?<\/p>\n
The next day, during the second feast, at the king\u2019s urging, Queen Esther finally makes her request that her people be spared from annihilation by the crafty snake, Haman (Esther 7:3\u20136). Not only does the king grant her request, but in his rage he has Haman hanged on the very gallows he had built for Mordecai.<\/p>\n
After a time of great conflict, true resolution resonates throughout the land for the Jewish people. But none of this would have happened if Esther had avoided the conflict (retracting herself like a turtle). Instead, she confronted the conflict and rose to the occasion, \u201cfor such a time as this\u201d (Esther 4:14).<\/p>\n
THREE ATTACKERS \u2026 OUTWARDLY AGGRESSIVE<\/p>\n
#1 Wolves \u2026<\/p>\n
Wolves are fierce, savage, and cruel animals that make a terrible howling sound and attack even large animals. They possess immense stamina to travel long distances. They use scent markings to claim their territory, communicating: \u201cThis territory is occupied.\u2026 This territory is mine!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word wolf is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to be \u201cwolves in sheep\u2019s clothing\u201d by cloaking their intentions beneath an innocent, friendly manner<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to be forward, direct, and zealous in the seduction of women<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to \u201cwolf\u201d down food, eating greedily\u2014devouring their food like prey<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Bible describes the destruction that wolves can cause \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cHer officials within her are like wolves tearing their prey; they shed blood and kill people to make unjust gain.\u201d (Ezekiel 22:27)<\/p>\n
#2 Snakes\/Serpents\/Vipers \u2026<\/p>\n
These are creeping creatures that can also move rapidly. Although many snakes are harmless, they are most often feared for their hissing, rattling, biting, and stinging. They inflict burning pain and cause inflammation where they bite. Considered cunning and subtle, they can also be malicious and deadly poisonous.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word serpent is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to be dangerous, treacherous persons<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to inject injurious venom into people or groups by poisoning their minds, hearts, or reputation<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to act silently, secretly, and sinuously to inflict injury on others<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Bible describes the destructive nature of serpents \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThey make their tongues as sharp as a serpent\u2019s; the poison of vipers is on their lips.\u201d (Psalm 140:3)<\/p>\n
#3 Hornets \u2026<\/p>\n
Hornets are any of the larger social wasps which, because they possess biting mouthparts, can bite and sting at the same time. Just one hornet can mobilize an entire nest to sting aggressively. In a swarm, they can drive cattle and horses to madness, and their formidable stings can also kill human beings.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word hornet is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to be excessively angry\u2014or \u201cmad as a hornet\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to gather others so as to \u201cswarm\u201d a person or place, thus creating havoc or harm with \u201cstings\u201d (for example, accusations, threats, slander, etc.)<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to build a \u201chornet\u2019s nest\u201d of angry, venomous people who can be deadly<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Bible depicts their devastating ability in this description \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI sent the hornet ahead of you, which drove them out before you\u2014also the two Amorite kings. You did not do it with your own sword and bow.\u201d (Joshua 24:12)<\/p>\n
THREE AVOIDERS \u2026 INWARDLY PASSIVE<\/p>\n
#1 Tortoises \u2026<\/p>\n
Tortoises are protected by large, dome-shaped shells that are difficult for predators to crack. They withdraw their necks into their shells by folding them under their spines or folding their necks to the side. Tortoises possess excellent nighttime vision but poor daytime vision because of their color blindness. They have short, sturdy feet famous for moving slowly, partly because of their heavy shells, but also because of their relatively inefficient, sprawling gait.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word tortoise (or turtle) is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known for being slow or for being stragglers<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known for \u201cwithdrawing into a shell\u201d when threatened<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known for dawdling or shirking responsibility<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Bible, \u201cany kind of great lizard\u201d would include tortoises (Leviticus 11:29\u201330).<\/p>\n
#2 Chameleons \u2026<\/p>\n
Chameleons can change to a variety of colors\u2014brown, green, blue, yellow, red, black, or white\u2014in response to temperature, light, and mood. A calm chameleon can be green, but when angry, it can turn yellow. Chameleons possess elongated tongues that can be up to twice the length of their bodies, and their eyes move independently of each other, giving sharp, stereoscopic vision and depth perception.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word chameleon is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to change their minds or even their characters but only superficially \u2026 merely to be expedient<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known for their quick or frequent changes, especially in appearance in order to \u201cfit in\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to blend in with diverse groups by reflecting each group\u2019s look, behavior, and belief when with the group<\/p>\n
\u2014 The Bible states, \u201cThese are unclean for you \u2026 the chameleon\u201d (Leviticus 11:29\u201330).<\/p>\n
#3 Weasels \u2026<\/p>\n
Weasels have a reputation for cleverness and guile, especially as they perform a \u201chypnotic dance\u201d in front of their prey. These small, furry animals can twist and burrow down into small holes. They produce a thick, oily, powerful smelling liquid called musk, used for scent marking and defense.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The word weasel is also used in reference to people who are:<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to act deviously, unscrupulously, and underhandedly<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to use \u201cweasel words\u201d in order to be evasive or insincere<\/p>\n
\u00bb Known to evade or escape from a situation by \u201cweaseling out\u201d of it<\/p>\n
\u2014 In the Bible, \u201cthe rat\u201d would include the weasel (Leviticus 11:29).<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTIC DYSFUNCTIONAL WAYS OF HANDLING CONFLICT<\/p>\n
It was a classic case of sibling rivalry, except that it originated in the womb. Rebekah sensed more than just the random kicking of tiny feet within her, there was a real struggle going on. The Lord explained, \u201cTwo nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger\u201d (Genesis 25:23).<\/p>\n
On the day of the twins\u2019 birth, Esau arrived first, reddish and covered with hair. Jacob quickly followed, his hand holding his brother\u2019s heel, a foretelling image of the position he would usurp from his brother. The name, Jacob, means \u201cHe takes by the heel\u201d or \u201cHe cheats.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two brothers could not have been more different. Esau was a masterful hunter, the proverbial outdoorsman, while Jacob was reserved, preferring to remain indoors and cook. Esau was brash and brazen; Jacob was cool and calculating, as evidenced by the red stew incident when Esau, exhausted from a day of working in the field, wanted some of what Jacob had boiling in a pot. His brother obliged him, but only after buying Esau\u2019s birthright (Genesis 25:31).<\/p>\n
Jacob later deceived his aging father, Isaac, by claiming to be Esau and thereby obtained the sought-after blessing of the firstborn. This deception prompted threats of murder from his brother, Esau.<\/p>\n
A. What Are Common Statements Used in Conflict?<\/p>\n
Conflict\u2014it happens to the best of us. Two of God\u2019s premier workers in the early days of the church, Paul and Barnabas, had \u201ca sharp disagreement\u201d (Acts 15:39) that resulted in their going their separate ways. The cause for contention was that Barnabas wanted to take his cousin John Mark with him and Paul as they revisited cities where they had ministered.<\/p>\n
Paul disagreed, mindful of John Mark\u2019s deserting them on a previous mission trip. John Mark had obviously regained the trust of Barnabas, but not of Paul. Their differences were resolved by the launching of two missionary journeys instead of one with Barnabas and his cousin going to Cyprus and with Paul and Silas going to Syria and Cilicia.<\/p>\n
\u201cI appeal to you \u2026 that all of you agree with one another.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 1:10)<\/p>\n
WHO ARE ATTACKERS\/WHO ARE AVOIDERS?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Seven Faulty Accusations of Attackers<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou\u2019ll never change.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou are always against me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou will reject me\u2014it\u2019s just a matter of time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou can never be trusted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou\u2019ve failed too much\u2014you are a failure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou are hopeless\u2014there\u2019s no hope for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou are totally at fault if this relationship fails.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Seven Faulty Expectations of Avoiders<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou should never create conflict in our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou will always see things my way if you truly love me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou will always do things my way if you are loyal to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou must never get angry with me because I will not be able to handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou must look only to me to meet all of your needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou are to look only to me to make you happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou will always need me to make you secure.\u201d<\/p>\n
B. What Do Attackers and Avoiders Look Like?<\/p>\n
Each of us begins to develop a style of handling conflict at an early age. Our personal ways of \u201cfighting\u201d come from our natural instinct, personality, and early family dynamics. Many of us are unable to defuse conflict because we are repeating the extreme patterns of childhood \u2026 either attacking or avoiding. Those in these two different categories can be thought of as either attackers or avoiders. Considering the characteristics of the six \u201ccritters\u201d mentioned earlier will help define the personalities of the two categories. The problem with both of these styles is that neither strategy appropriates the grace that is available to a child of God.<\/p>\n
\u201cSee to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no
\nbitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 12:15)<\/p>\n
ATTACKERS \u2026 OUTWARDLY AGGRESSIVE<\/p>\n
#1 The Wolf alias Dictator<\/p>\n
(a person granted absolute power, holding complete autocratic control)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Seeks to control everyone and everything<\/p>\n
\u2014 Judges the actions and motives of others<\/p>\n
\u2014 Refuses to listen to opposing opinions with an open mind<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses criticism to cut people down<\/p>\n
\u2014 Engages in power plays<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cGive in to me or I\u2019ll attack you!\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel powerful<\/p>\n
\u201cWatch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep\u2019s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.\u201d (Matthew 7:15)<\/p>\n
#2 The Snake alias Backbiter<\/p>\n
(a person who says mean or spiteful things behind another person\u2019s back)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Bites when you\u2019re not looking<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses criticism and \u201cput-downs\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Starts false rumors<\/p>\n
\u2014 Pretends to have done nothing wrong<\/p>\n
\u2014 Gathers allies<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cDon\u2019t tangle with me or you will regret it later.\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel superior<\/p>\n
\u201cYou brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.\u201d (Matthew 12:34)<\/p>\n
#3 The Hornet alias Faultfinder<\/p>\n
(a person who is disposed to find fault, is critical, petty, and nagging)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Registers repetitive complaints<\/p>\n
\u2014 Makes negative statements about everything<\/p>\n
\u2014 Blames others<\/p>\n
\u2014 Pulls others into disagreements<\/p>\n
\u2014 Delights in misery<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cDon\u2019t get on my bad side or I\u2019ll talk about you!\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel valuable<\/p>\n
\u201cA fool\u2019s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.\u201d (Proverbs 18:7)<\/p>\n
AVOIDERS \u2026 INWARDLY PASSIVE<\/p>\n
#1 The Turtle alias Retreater<\/p>\n
(a person who withdraws from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Plays dumb<\/p>\n
\u2014 Gives one-word answers<\/p>\n
\u2014 Withdraws<\/p>\n
\u2014 Seeks secrecy<\/p>\n
\u2014 Makes you feel guilty for asking questions<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cDon\u2019t confront me because it won\u2019t do any good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel safe<\/p>\n
\u201cA truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is deceitful.\u201d (Proverbs 14:25)<\/p>\n
#2 The Chameleon alias Obliger<\/p>\n
(a person who is bound in some way to another or is in someone\u2019s debt for a favor or service)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoids making decisions<\/p>\n
\u2014 Acts innocent<\/p>\n
\u2014 Appears nice and agreeable<\/p>\n
\u2014 Recoils from making a commitment<\/p>\n
\u2014 Downplays differences<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cI\u2019m nice to you; you owe it to me to be nice back.\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel accepted<\/p>\n
\u201cFear of man will prove to be a snare.\u201d (Proverbs 29:25)<\/p>\n
#3 The Weasel alias Twister<\/p>\n
(a person who perverts meanings, squirms, is devious, and uses gimmicks)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Uses clever defensives<\/p>\n
\u2014 Sidesteps the issue<\/p>\n
\u2014 Twists and bends the truth<\/p>\n
\u2014 Blames others<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoids \u201cI\u201d statements<\/p>\n
Message: \u201cI\u2019m not going to get pinned down.\u201d<\/p>\n
Goal: To feel confident<\/p>\n
\u201cA man of perverse heart does not prosper; he whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.\u201d (Proverbs 17:20)<\/p>\n
C. Who Displays Which Style of Conflict in Scripture?<\/p>\n
Based on the thousands of narratives throughout the Bible, even the novice reader sees that negative conflict has been \u201calive and well\u201d from the beginning of time. For example, Abraham, on two different occasions, lies about his relationship with Sarah, his wife\u2014he passes her off as his sister. Because of her beauty, he fears that both monarchs will kill him in order to take her. Because of his fear, Abraham acts like a turtle, hiding in its shell.<\/p>\n
A different kind of avoider is Abraham\u2019s grandson Jacob. He wants the birthright due his older twin brother. Instead of telling the truth, deceitful Jacob lies, connives, and weasels his way into his father\u2019s presence and blessing. Jacob is a weasel of the first order!<\/p>\n
Which type of attacker or avoider is each of the following people? (At times, a person may not be in conflict, but then later a major conflict flames.) Analyze and identify the negative conflict styles in each of the following relationships. (Hint: Read the Scripture first. Then fill in the blanks.)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #1\u2014Between The Serpent, Adam, and Eve<\/p>\n
The Serpent: He is an attacker, a snake.\u2026 He plays the part of himself!<\/p>\n
\u201cThe serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman [Eve], \u2018Did God really say, \u201cYou must not eat from any tree in the garden\u201d?\u2019 \u201d (Genesis 3:1)<\/p>\n
Adam: He is an avoider, a weasel.\u2026 He tried to weasel out of accepting responsibility for his wrong choices by blaming Eve!<\/p>\n
\u201cThe man [Adam] said, \u2018The woman you put here with me\u2014she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.\u2019 \u201d (Genesis 3:12)<\/p>\n
Eve:<\/p>\n
\u201cThen the LORD God said to the woman [Eve], \u2018What is this you have done?\u2019 The woman said, \u2018The serpent deceived me, and I ate.\u2019 \u201d (Genesis 3:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #2\u2014Cain toward Abel<\/p>\n
Cain:<\/p>\n
\u201cCain said to his brother Abel, \u2018Let\u2019s go out to the field.\u2019 And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.\u201d (Genesis 4:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #3\u2014Between the Philistines, Delilah, and Samson<\/p>\n
The Philistines:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, \u2018See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.\u2019 \u201d (Judges 16:5)<\/p>\n
Delilah:<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said to him, \u2018How can you say, \u201cI love you,\u201d when you won\u2019t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven\u2019t told me the secret of your great strength.\u2019 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death.\u201d (Judges 16:15\u201316)<\/p>\n
Samson:<\/p>\n
\u201cSo he told her everything. \u2018No razor has ever been used on my head,\u2019 he said, \u2018because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.\u2019 \u201d (Judges 16:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #4\u2014King Saul toward David<\/p>\n
King Saul:<\/p>\n
\u201cHe [Saul] raved within his house while David was playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand. And Saul hurled the spear, for he thought, \u2018I will pin David to the wall.\u2019 But David evaded him twice.\u201d (1 Samuel 18:10\u201311 ESV)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #5\u2014King David toward Bathsheba<\/p>\n
King David:<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says.\u2026 \u2018Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.\u2019 \u201d (2 Samuel 12:7, 9\u201310)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #6\u2014The Pharisees toward Jesus<\/p>\n
Pharisees:<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus said to the crowds and to his disciples.\u2026 \u2018Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men\u2019s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.\u2026 You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?\u201d (Matthew 23:1, 13, 33)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #7\u2014Pilate toward Jesus<\/p>\n
Pilate:<\/p>\n
\u201cOn hearing this, Pilate asked if the man was a Galilean. When he learned that Jesus was under Herod\u2019s jurisdiction, he sent him to Herod, who was also in Jerusalem at that time.\u201d (Luke 23:6\u20137)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #8\u2014Judas toward Jesus<\/p>\n
Judas:<\/p>\n
\u201cJudas Iscariot \u2026 asked, \u2018What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?\u2019 So they counted out for him thirty silver coins.\u201d (Matthew 26:14\u201315)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #9\u2014Martha toward Jesus<\/p>\n
Martha:<\/p>\n
\u201cMartha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, \u2018Lord, don\u2019t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!\u2019 \u201d (Luke 10:40)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relationship #10\u2014Peter toward Jesus<\/p>\n
Peter:<\/p>\n
\u201cPeter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. \u2018You also were with Jesus of Galilee,\u2019 she said. But he denied it before them all. \u2018I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about,\u2019 he said. Then he went out to the gateway, where another girl saw him and said to the people there, \u2018This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth.\u2019 He denied it again, with an oath: \u2018I don\u2019t know the man!\u2019 After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, \u2018Surely you are one of them, for your accent gives you away.\u2019 Then he began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, \u2018I don\u2019t know the man!\u2019 Immediately a rooster crowed.\u201d (Matthew 26:69\u201374)<\/p>\n
(Note: If you are still stumped, the answers can be found
\nat the very end of this set of Keys.)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES OF CONFLICT<\/p>\n
Mix two or more people together and you have a montage of differing personalities, priorities, perceptions, and preferences \u2026 a concoction ripe for conflict. Often the result is fingers pointed in accusation rather than hands shaking in agreement. Random words of blessing can be quickly eaten up by words of bitterness.<\/p>\n
Conflict was experienced by the first family God created \u2026 conflict among Adam and Eve and their offspring \u2026 and it is still being experienced in homes today, as well as in workplaces and churches and among nations. Who hasn\u2019t at times wanted to throw their hands up in the air and exclaim, \u201cWhy can\u2019t we all just get along?\u201d Well, we can\u2014with the empowerment of God and through our obedience to Him. His Word provides principles for peace that can bring about the supernatural result of reconciliation and resolution, from the board room to the bedroom.<\/p>\n
\u201cEncourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
A. Why Are Some People Attackers and Others Avoiders?<\/p>\n
Everyone has it \u2026 no one wants it \u2026 no one can escape it! What is it? One common denominator for us all is conflict. But where does it come from? People are who they are and act the way they act as a result of a combination of factors.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Natural temperament or personality types<\/p>\n
\u2014 You were born with a natural bent toward being outgoing or reserved, compliant or defiant, aggressive or passive.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Your temperament\/personality traits can work to your advantage or disadvantage depending on whether you learn to use them productively in resolving conflicts or destructively in creating conflicts.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.\u201d (2 Corinthians 3:5)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Early childhood experiences<\/p>\n
\u2014 You were deeply influenced by your early family relationships through words you heard and behaviors you saw that gave you messages about \u201cwho you are\u201d and \u201cwhat you do\u201d and how to respond to conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You can change the assumptions you adopted about yourself and about conflict resolution that are influencing your behavior today by identifying the messages you received growing up in your family and evaluating them as to whether they are helpful or harmful.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us discern for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good.\u201d (Job 34:4)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Physical factors<\/p>\n
\u2014 You were born with certain physical characteristics such as brain chemistry that may be affecting the way you respond to the rush of adrenaline experienced during times of conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You can have a thorough medical checkup. When experiencing a conflict, you may even want to have an evaluation about brain chemistry. Did you know that you can learn ways to actually change the chemistry of your brain if it is causing you problems in conflict resolution?<\/p>\n
\u201cHe sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.\u201d (Psalm 107:20)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Learned behaviors<\/p>\n
\u2014 You may have unintentionally learned patterns of responding to conflict by following the example of significant people in your life and may be subconsciously modeling your behavior after those who either attack or avoid conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You can intentionally unlearn a behavior pattern by determining to learn new behaviors and by modeling yourself after people who embrace conflicts as a fact of life and who find ways of productively resolving them.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.\u201d (Proverbs 1:5)<\/p>\n
B. What Are the Unmet Needs That Drive Attackers and Avoiders?<\/p>\n
We are all created with three God-given inner needs\u2014the need for love, for significance, and for security. These needs can be translated into the need to feel heard and understood, to feel encouraged and at peace, to feel affirmed and accepted, to feel confident and courageous. Or these needs can be negatively translated into the need to feel superior. Unmet needs can become the driving force behind why we act the way we act when we are faced with a conflict. The challenge, of course, is to find a way to get our legitimate needs met legitimately rather than illegitimately, and that can be accomplished only through a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n
\u201cHis divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.\u201d
\n(2 Peter 1:3)<\/p>\n
ATTACKERS FEEL INSIGNIFICANT<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wolves \u2026 have a goal to feel powerful.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up feeling insignificant within their families typically become driven by the need to feel significant. This drive can result in finding destructive ways of meeting this need.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who feel powerless can develop aggressive tactics to overpower others. These newly developed wolves become fiercely competitive in order to feel like true \u201cwinners\u201d \u2026 they become dictatorial in order to feel powerful. Thus, their need to feel significant is met temporarily.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Serpents \u2026 have a goal to feel superior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up regularly experiencing \u201cput-downs\u201d and are the target of belittling comments may become driven by the need to overcome feelings of inferiority.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who feel inferior can become behind-the-scene backbiters. These newly developed serpents spread poisonous rumors in order to feel superior to others \u2026 temporarily.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Hornets \u2026 have a goal to feel valuable.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up being told that \u201cchildren are to be seen but not heard\u201d or whose opinions and feelings are virtually discounted typically may become driven by the need to be valuable \u2026 to be heard and understood.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who don\u2019t feel valuable typically can develop a negative attitude. Making constant complaints is a way to get the ear of others, leaving these newly developed hornets feeling valuable enough to be heard and understood \u2026 temporarily.<\/p>\n
AVOIDERS FEEL INSECURE<\/p>\n
\u2022 Tortoises have a goal to feel safe.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up in homes where anger is unrestrained and conflict goes unresolved and where little positive occurs typically become driven by the need for peace.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who don\u2019t feel \u201csafe\u201d typically make being safe their life goal, seeking to protect themselves from \u201cdanger.\u201d By turning inward and emotionally walling themselves off from others, these newly developed tortoises feel a sense of safety \u2026 temporarily.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Chameleons have a goal to feel accepted.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up with criticism and negative feedback from significant adults in their lives and who don\u2019t receive compliments and praise typically become driven by the need for acceptance.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children starved for acceptance can become classic people-pleasers. They do whatever they think is necessary in order to make and keep everyone happy so as not to be criticized or rejected, leaving them\u2014these newly developed chameleons\u2014feeling accepted \u2026 temporarily.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Weasels have a goal to feel confident.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who grow up with an overprotective, controlling parent\u2014and who have no firm boundaries or personal accountability for their actions\u2014typically become driven by the need for confidence.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Children who lack courage to take a stand find that becoming shrewd and evasive rather than honest and forthright keeps them \u201cout of trouble.\u201d This leaves these newly developed weasels with a sense of confidence and courage \u2026 temporarily.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:19)<\/p>\n
C. What Causes the Worst Conflict?<\/p>\n
Conflict with people is one matter\u2014but conflict with God is another. Why is conflict with God the worst conflict? Can you imagine the small parts of a watch refusing to operate as the watchmaker designed them to operate? What if the hands of a watch moved in the opposite direction? The watch would be useless. You\u2019re not useless, but you\u2019re a lot like that watch. When God created you, He had a plan for you. But when you refuse to yield your will to Him, you miss His plan and purpose for your life. This means you are in conflict with Him\u2014the very One who loves you and created you. God wants a relationship with you. Then He will fulfill the very purpose for which you were created. The Lord says,<\/p>\n
\u201cI know the plans I have for you \u2026 plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.\u201d
\n(Jeremiah 29:11)<\/p>\n
HOW TO RESOLVE YOUR CONFLICT WITH GOD<\/p>\n
There are four spiritual truths you need to know.<\/p>\n
#1 Your Problem\u2014You (like everyone else) have chosen to sin.<\/p>\n
We all have chosen wrong, we all have sinned\u2014not one of us is perfect. Each time we choose to go our own way, not God\u2019s way, we are in conflict with Him. The Bible says that we \u201csin.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way.\u201d (Isaiah 53:6)<\/p>\n
#2 Your Position\u2014Your sin separates you from God.<\/p>\n
Because God is without sin (God\u2019s character is perfect), our sin puts us in conflict with God. This spiritual conflict results in a penalty or a consequence. The Bible says that the consequence of our sin is to be separated from God\u2019s presence. This separation is called spiritual death.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour iniquities have separated you from your God.\u2026 The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.\u201d (Isaiah 59:2; Romans 6:23)<\/p>\n
#3 Your Provision\u2014God provided the way for you to be relieved from the consequence of spiritual death.<\/p>\n
Sin is serious because it separates us from God. Because God is just, He cannot ignore our wrongdoing. But because of His love, He doesn\u2019t want us separated from Him. This creates a dilemma. He has to punish sin, yet He does not want us to die and be permanently separated from Him. This is why the heavenly Father sent His own Son, Jesus, to come to earth for the purpose of dying on the cross for our sins\u2014Jesus actually chose to pay the penalty for our sins. We should have died, but instead, Christ died for us.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.\u201d (Romans 5:8)<\/p>\n
#4 Your Part\u2014You can move from spiritual death to spiritual life now, and experience His peace.<\/p>\n
We must seek God\u2019s forgiveness God\u2019s way. You need to trust that Jesus Christ died as your substitute and ask Him to come into your life to take control of your life. This is God\u2019s only acceptable plan. Jesus said,<\/p>\n
\u201cI am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.\u201d (John 14:6)<\/p>\n
By believing in (relying on) Jesus alone to pay the penalty for your sins and yielding your will to His will, you are truly forgiven of your sins. And when you are forgiven, you are not only cleansed from all of your sin (past, present, and future), but you also have peace with God\u2014saved from staying in conflict with God. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cGod so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.\u201d (John 3:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
If you desire to have peace with God\u2014so that you will not be in conflict with Him any longer, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:<\/p>\n
MY PRAYER FOR PEACE WITH GOD
\n\u201cLord Jesus, I need You. I admit that I have sinned. I understand that the punishment for my sin is death, to be spiritually separated from You. Yet, because of Your love, Your plan is to save me. I believe that what You said in Your Word is true\u2014that You sent Jesus Christ to pay the penalty that I should have to pay. Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross for my sins and taking the punishment in my place. Right now I ask You to come into my life to be my Lord and Savior. Take control of my life and make me the person You created me to be. Thank You for Your unconditional love. And thank You for Your peace. In Your holy name. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, listen to what God says!<\/p>\n
\u201cThe peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:7)<\/p>\n
D. Root Cause of Negative Conflict<\/p>\n
Conflict came hurling at Paul that day, one stone at a time.<\/p>\n
His Jewish brethren, proponents of legalism and opponents of the gospel of grace, spurred a crowd to throw stones at Paul\u2014a crowd that only moments before had sought to offer sacrifices to him as to a god for his healing of a crippled man. After the stoning, Paul was dragged out of their city and left for dead. However, when his disciples gathered around him, he got up and went into the city of Lystra and on to Derbe with Barnabas the next day.<\/p>\n
As they traveled, Paul and Barnabas, recognizing that opposition and conflict are inevitable, encouraged the followers of Jesus they encountered, \u201cencouraging them to remain true to the faith. \u2018We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,\u2019 they said\u201d (Acts 14:22).<\/p>\n
The reason we all experience conflict is rooted in a system of wrong beliefs. We assume that what we want is what we need and that it is up to us to defeat those who oppose us. After all, if we don\u2019t protect our interests, who will? This fear-based thinking causes us to selfishly respond by either attacking or avoiding people or situations we perceive to be threatening.<\/p>\n
WRONG BELIEF:<\/p>\n
\u201cI am afraid of conflict because it reflects negatively on me. To feel secure and significant, I must get rid of conflict by either conquering it, compromising it, or avoiding it.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF:<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that conflict is a natural result of living with different types of people. My sense of security and significance is based on my identity in Christ and in His perfect love and acceptance of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.\u201d (1 John 4:18)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
God honored the request of this twenty-year-old \u2026 and then some.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. for who is able to govern this great people of yours?\u201d
\n(1 Kings 3:9)<\/p>\n
Solomon knew that God\u2019s kindness to his father, David, was a result of his father\u2019s faithfulness to God evidenced by righteous attitudes and actions. Now that Solomon is king, he feels the heavy weight of being the leader and judge of God\u2019s people. Therefore, he confesses his own inadequacies, considering himself a mere child before God, and acknowledges his dependence on God for wisdom in resolving the conflicts of his people.<\/p>\n
It so pleased the Lord that Solomon had asked for a wise and discerning mind that He not only gave him wisdom like no other but also bestowed riches and honor on him as well as the promise of a long life if he obeyed the Lord.<\/p>\n
Solomon soon needed to call on that wisdom when two prostitutes came calling \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, \u2018My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us. During the night this woman\u2019s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast.\u2026\u2019 The other woman said, \u2018No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.\u2019 But the first one insisted, \u2018No! The dead one is yours.\u2026\u2019 And so they argued before the king.\u201d
\n(1 Kings 3:16\u201322)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verse to Memorize<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us therefore make every effort to do what
\nleads to peace and to mutual edification.\u201d
\n(Romans 14:19)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread<\/p>\n
Book of Philemon verses 1\u201325<\/p>\n
SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR FACING CONFLICT
\n#1 Humility\u2014Don\u2019t use your higher position to take advantage of those in a lower position.
\nvv. 8\u20139
\n#2 Integrity\u2014Be absolutely honest about the problems.
\nvv. 10\u201311
\n#3 Vulnerability\u2014Share your heart feelings.
\nvv. 12\u201313
\n#4 Submission\u2014Don\u2019t force an action not under your control.
\nv. 14
\n#5 Optimism\u2014Expect the best of another.
\nv. 14
\n#6 Faith\u2014Remember the sovereign hand of God.
\nvv. 15\u201316
\n#7 Exhortation\u2014Choose your words carefully.
\nv. 21<\/p>\n
C. How to Apply the Five Ws and an H to Conflict Resolution<\/p>\n
1. Who? Who is involved in the conflict?<\/p>\n
\u2014 Name those presently involved in the conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 List those who could be involved to bring about a solution.<\/p>\n
2. What? What is your goal?<\/p>\n
\u2014 Put into writing what you want done.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be clear\u2014is this a onetime goal or a long-term goal?<\/p>\n
3. Why? Why do you want to do it?<\/p>\n
\u2014 List the reasons for taking action.<\/p>\n
\u2014 List what will happen if you do not take action.<\/p>\n
4. Where? Where will it happen?<\/p>\n
\u2014 Assess where you assume the conflict could be resolved.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Evaluate whether it could happen at another place.<\/p>\n
5. When? When do you want it done?<\/p>\n
\u2014 Establish a timeline from beginning to end.<\/p>\n
\u2014 List short-term, measurable goals.<\/p>\n
6. How? How do you want it done?<\/p>\n
\u2014 List the policies and procedures that need to be put in place.<\/p>\n
\u2014 List the guidelines needed to accomplish the goal.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlans fail for lack of counsel, but with
\nmany advisers they succeed.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 15:22)<\/p>\n
D. How to Respond When Others Are Critical of You<\/p>\n
Human nature says respond \u201cin kind\u201d to others\u2014insult for insult, blow for blow. One of Christ\u2019s clearest challenges to us is to not respond \u201cin kind,\u201d but to respond \u201cin the Spirit.\u201d To be Spirit-controlled rather than situation-controlled is not natural to human nature. Being Spirit-controlled becomes natural to the new nature that a believer receives at salvation\u2014the very nature and mind of Christ. Undoubtedly, to counter evil for evil is natural, but to counter evil with good is the supernatural work of Christ within you.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not be overcome by evil,
\nbut overcome evil with good.\u201d
\n(Romans 12:21)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be discerning regarding the accuracy of the critical words of others.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, help me not to accept all critical words as true, nor to reject all words as lies. Enable me to discern the false from the true. Put a hedge of protection around my mind so that I reject the lies. Allow my heart to accept constructive criticism that You may bring freedom to my life and change me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.\u201d (Proverbs 16:21)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be open to the slightest kernel of truth when you are criticized.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, if there is any truth in the critical words said about me, please convict my heart so that I might confess it and cooperate with You to change it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.\u201d (Proverbs 17:10)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be willing to consider the criticism. If it is true, this person is God\u2019s megaphone to get your attention.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, I accept this criticism as Your way of teaching me something I need to know. Please reveal to me what it is You are saying to me through the criticism.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.\u201d (Proverbs 12:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be able to receive criticism without being defensive.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Admit to any truth in the criticism.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Agree when you are in error.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Ask for further correction.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, I admit that I . I agree that I was wrong. Please continue to use others to put me on a correction course when I\u2019m off track in my attitudes or actions. And please continue to transform me more and more into the character of Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.\u201d (Proverbs 15:12)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be determined to speak well of your critic.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, I yield my tongue to You. I ask that You place a guard over my mouth so that I will only speak the truth in love to and will always speak well of to others. I pledge to focus on the good in and not on the bad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.\u201d (Romans 12:14)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be dependent on the Lord\u2019s perspective to determine your worth and value, not on the opinions of others.<\/p>\n
Pray\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, thank You for establishing my worth and value by dying for me and adopting me into Your family. I will not live for the approval of people because I have Your approval, and that is all I need. Thank You for loving me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAm I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.\u201d (Galatians 1:10)<\/p>\n
E. The What, Why, and How of Boundaries<\/p>\n
Boundaries are established limits\u2014lines not to be crossed. When a boundary is exceeded, the result is a repercussion. If a boundary is honored, the result is a reward. When parents establish boundaries, their children are the ones who choose to go beyond the boundaries or to stay within them. This means that the children, not the parents, are the ones who choose the repercussion or the reward. The same is true when adults establish boundaries with one another as peers, friends, or spouses. This principle is clearly demonstrated when God set a boundary with Adam and Eve. In choosing to go beyond the boundary God established for them, they chose the consequence of their sin \u2026 they chose the repercussion.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo Adam he said, \u2018Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, \u201cYou must not eat of it,\u201d Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Genesis 3:17)<\/p>\n
Boundaries are \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 The limits that establish a border (like a curb)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that we are separate from one another<\/p>\n
\u2022 The basis of our individual identity<\/p>\n
Boundaries say \u2026
\n\u2022 What we are
\nand
\nWhat we are not
\n\u2022 What we will choose
\nand
\nWhat we will not choose
\n\u2022 What we will endure
\nand
\nWhat we will not endure
\n\u2022 What we feel
\nand
\nWhat we do not feel
\n\u2022 What we like
\nand
\nWhat we do not like
\n\u2022 What we want
\nand
\nWhat we do not want<\/p>\n
Boundaries help \u2026<\/p>\n
Jesus pronounced, \u201cI did not come to bring peace, but a sword\u201d (Matthew 10:34). Jesus clearly communicated that we must seek to resolve what is wrong by cutting to the heart of the matter. He announced that \u201cthe truth will set you free\u201d (John 8:32). At certain times, the sword of truth is necessary in order to live a life of integrity and make needed changes. When you do what is right in His sight, Jesus will give you His supernatural peace. Although not everything around you is peaceful, He can give you an internal \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cPeace that transcends all understanding.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:7)<\/p>\n
ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
#1 Do \u2026 Communicate your expectations clearly.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Get on the person\u2019s eye level.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Prior to any problems, describe in detail what you expect of the person regarding your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Form an agreement and ask for a statement of the person\u2019s understanding of your expectations.<\/p>\n
\u2014 When it is time for compliance with your agreement, give a gentle reminder.<\/p>\n
Example of Parent to Child:<\/p>\n
DON\u2019T SAY:<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you think it is time for you to go to bed now?\u201d<\/p>\n
DO SAY:<\/p>\n
\u201cRemember, we agreed that your bedtime is 8:30. It is 8:20; so what do you need to be doing now?\u201d<\/p>\n
Example of Adult to Adult:<\/p>\n
DON\u2019T SAY:<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is time for you to come home so that dinner won\u2019t be late.\u201d<\/p>\n
DO SAY:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just calling to let you know I will be ready to serve dinner at six o\u2019clock as we have agreed. If you aren\u2019t home by 6:20 or do not call, the children and I will go ahead and eat so they can start their homework.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSimply let your \u2018Yes\u2019 be \u2018Yes,\u2019 and your \u2018No,\u2019 \u2018No.\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 5:37)<\/p>\n
#2 Do \u2026 Establish negative repercussions for breaking an agreement.<\/p>\n
\u2014 To establish effective repercussions, know what will make an impact.<\/p>\n
\u2014 If possible, choose a repercussion related to the offensive behavior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Clearly communicate the repercussion.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Prior to a problem, get the person\u2019s agreement to the repercussion.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Allow the person to experience the repercussion if the agreement is broken.<\/p>\n
Example of Parent to Child:<\/p>\n
Tommy, age ten, lives on a busy street. He likes to ride his bicycle with his friend who lives across the street, but he was told never to cross the street without an adult. If Tommy disobeys, the repercussion is that he will not be allowed to ride his bicycle the next day.<\/p>\n
Example of Adult to Adult:<\/p>\n
Joe and Jennifer agree that he will leave work in time to pick her up at home at six o\u2019clock and they will join some friends for dinner at a restaurant across town. The agreement is that Joe will be sure to pick Jennifer up on time since they have reservations and can\u2019t be late. If Joe breaks their agreement by being late, the repercussion is that Jennifer will go to the restaurant without him even though Joe does not like for them to go places separately.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.\u201d (Hebrews 12:11)<\/p>\n
F. Recipe for Conflict Resolution<\/p>\n
When life hands you lemons \u2026 make lemonade! If you add the right ingredients, the same transformation may occur in your communication with a loved one. Practice following this easy recipe, and taste the sweetness of resolving painful differences.<\/p>\n
\u201cPleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:24)<\/p>\n
Confront \u2026 The struggler squeezes all the juice out of the lemon. Plan a time to meet with your offender in order to release the juice from your lemon.<\/p>\n
When one of you feels sour (hurt, frustrated, or unjustly treated), don\u2019t hold it in.<\/p>\n
Communicate feelings \u2026 Express your anger or an unmet need by squeezing out the truth in a loving, non-accusatory way.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Share the problem using \u201cI\u201d statements.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI\u2019m feeling betrayed. Would you be willing to listen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Describe only the upsetting words or behavior without criticizing character.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do not accuse, belittle, call names, or criticize.<\/p>\n
\u201cReckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.\u201d (Proverbs 12:18)<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue of the righteous is choice silver.\u2026 The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.\u201d (Proverbs 10:20\u201321)<\/p>\n
Instead, notice what Paul wrote:<\/p>\n
\u201cSpeaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.\u2026 \u2018In your anger do not sin\u2019: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.\u201d (Ephesians 4:15, 26)<\/p>\n
Comply \u2026 The listener is a pitcher receiving all the juice.<\/p>\n
The person being confronted indicates a willingness to listen (to receive the rebuke without becoming angry or defensive) and sincerely seeks to hear the speaker\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Respond with a willingness to give undivided attention.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYes, I will listen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do not interrupt. Hear the problem to the \u201clast drop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Above all, don\u2019t make excuses or become defensive.<\/p>\n
\u201cSubmit to one another out of reverence for Christ.\u201d (Ephesians 5:21)<\/p>\n
Confirm \u2026 The listener fills the pitcher with water with no acidic words.<\/p>\n
The listener now paraphrases the problem back (repeats what is heard) without reacting negatively.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Affirm what is being said.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou are saying that you felt betrayed last night when I did not defend you? Is this correct?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Agreement with the facts is not necessary; therefore, do not attempt to justify anything.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ask if your restating of the problem is correct. If it is not, seek to understand what was said and repeat all.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.\u201d (Proverbs 15:31)<\/p>\n
Change \u2026 The struggler asks for sugar. If the receiver gives the sugar, the entire flavor changes!<\/p>\n
After feelings have been delivered and received, the struggler is allowed to request a change in behavior. Willingness to listen and change behavior becomes the sweet ingredient for developing intimacy in the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The struggler makes a request.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cWhen someone criticizes me in front of you, would you be willing to express emotional support by making a comment on my behalf or by walking away or asking the person to not talk about me when I\u2019m not present to respond?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listener identifies some acceptable responses for use in the future.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listener is willing to please the other with a commitment to change.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.\u201d (Philippians 2:4)<\/p>\n
Comfort \u2026 The listener mixes the sugar and lemon juice well so there is no hint of the sour lemon. After a change in behavior has been agreed on, the listener expresses sorrow over the struggler\u2019s pain and expresses appreciation for the opportunity to resolve the problem.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Address the struggler\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI am so sorry my actions hurt your feelings and caused you to feel betrayed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Applaud the struggler for approaching you.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Appreciate being given a change to change your behavior in the future in order to improve your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cA word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.\u201d (Proverbs 25:11)<\/p>\n
G. How to Respond to Difficult Personalities<\/p>\n
The dispute presented to Solomon concerns two baby boys, one dead and one alive, and the conflicting testimonies of their prostitute mothers (1 Kings 3:22).<\/p>\n
How is Solomon to know who is telling the truth and who is lying? There are no witnesses to testify. There is no evidence to introduce. There is no one to identify the baby boys. There is no way to know which baby belongs to which mother. The situation seems impossible to resolve as each mother continues to adamantly claim the living baby as her own.<\/p>\n
The wisdom and discernment for which the king prayed is clearly being put to the test, and the resolution he introduces involves the living infant and a sword \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe king said, \u2018This one says, \u201cMy son is alive and your son is dead,\u201d while that one says, \u201cNo! Your son is dead and mine is alive.\u201d \u2019 Then the king said, \u2018Bring me a sword.\u2019 So they brought a sword for the king.\u201d
\n(1 Kings 3:23\u201324)
\nATTACKERS WANT TO FEEL SIGNIFICANT<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wolves Goal: To feel powerful<\/p>\n
\u2014 Let them have their say without interrupting.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Get their attention with praise.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Hold your ground. (Match strength with strength.)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoid arguments.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t put yourself down.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Snakes Goal: To feel superior<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be aware of their power to destroy.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Catch them in a lie.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Enlist someone to help you confront them in private.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Expect them to deny what they have done.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t let them get away with an attack.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that \u2018every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.\u2019 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.\u201d (Matthew 18:15\u201317)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Hornets Goal: To feel valuable<\/p>\n
\u2014 Learn to cut off negative conversation.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Respond only to what is important.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Confront their game-playing.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Encourage a look at solutions.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t reinforce their complaints.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.\u201d (Ephesians 4:29)<\/p>\n
AVOIDERS WANT TO FEEL SECURE<\/p>\n
\u2022 Turtles Goal: To feel safe<\/p>\n
\u2014 Ask questions that can\u2019t be answered with yes or no.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Seek to get them to talk on the feeling level.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Hang in there until you get a response.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be positive, not critical with them.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t answer for them.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man is praised according to his wisdom, but men with warped minds are despised.\u201d (Proverbs 12:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Chameleons Goal: To feel accepted<\/p>\n
\u2014 Make it \u201cokay\u201d to disagree.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Help them identify priorities.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Learn their hidden fears.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Reinforce their decisions.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t accept their yes as complete agreement.<\/p>\n
\u201cAn anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.\u201d (Proverbs 12:25)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Weasels Goal: To feel courage<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoid accusations.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t get drawn into arguments.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be strong and immovable.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be forgiving.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Be consistently encouraging.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses \u2026 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left.\u201d (2 Corinthians 6:4, 7)<\/p>\n
H. The Road to Resolution<\/p>\n
Some resolutions to conflict are not quickly or easily found but require supernatural discernment and wisdom, as in the case of the two prostitutes who came before King Solomon.<\/p>\n
Two women are claiming to be the mother of the same child. How does the king determine the truth? This is the dilemma before the king. The truth is needed in order to settle the conflict. In an attempt to get to the truth, Solomon calls for a sword. He will render a fair resolution. The baby is to be cut in half and equally divided between the two women.<\/p>\n
The king\u2019s strategy works, the true mother cries out that the baby not be killed but be given to the other woman. Conversely, the other woman agrees with the king\u2019s fair resolution that neither would have the living child. Thus the truth is revealed and the king\u2019s verdict is that the baby be given to his mother, the woman who was willing to give him up in order to save his life.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe then gave an order: \u2018Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.\u2019 The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, \u2018Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don\u2019t kill him!\u2019 But the other said, \u2018Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!\u2019 Then the king gave his ruling: \u2018Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.\u2019 \u201d
\n(1 Kings 3:25\u201327)<\/p>\n
As you prepare to walk the road to resolution of a conflict, remember to \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pledge your commitment.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI am committed to this relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI am committed to reconciliation, if at all possible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.\u201d (Romans 12:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pray for yourself.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Am I seeing the true issue?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cReveal any personal error I need to face.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cPrepare the heart of to be open.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSearch me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.\u201d (Psalm 139:23\u201324)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Prepare before you ask for a meeting.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Discern the root cause of the conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Examine your expectations.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Decide on positive solutions.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Use the \u201cSandwich Technique.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.\u201d (Lamentations 3:40)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Propose a time to talk face-to-face.<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI care about our relationship. Is it possible for us to have some time to talk?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI feel there are some unresolved issues that need to be dealt with positively.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMake every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.\u201d (Ephesians 4:3)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Provide a private place.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Away from people<\/p>\n
\u2014 Away from distractions<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.\u201d (Matthew 18:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Purpose to be honest.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Take responsibility for your actions.<\/p>\n
\u2014 See the other person\u2019s viewpoint.<\/p>\n
\u201cA truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies.\u201d (Proverbs 12:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Permit total forgiveness.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Choose to forgive any hurts.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t mentally rehearse the faults of the other.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Allow God to reestablish a bond of love.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.\u201d (Colossians 3:13\u201314)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Perceive a future harvest.<\/p>\n
\u2014 You are sowing seeds that may not take root until later.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Change is a process.<\/p>\n
\u2014 What you sow, you reap!<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.\u201d (Galatians 6:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Present the present conflict.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t bring up the past.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Keep the conversation on the present conflict.<\/p>\n
\u201c[Love] \u2026 does not take into account a wrong suffered.\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:5 NASB)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Promote fairness and objectivity.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Avoid generalizations.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Mention both positives and negatives.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.\u201d (Leviticus 19:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Protect one another\u2019s privacy.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t involve outsiders.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Control your tongue when you are with other people.<\/p>\n
\u201cA gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.\u201d (Proverbs 11:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Preserve individuality.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Value differences in goals, desires, and priorities.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t demand like-thinking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI too will have my say; I too will tell what I know.\u201d (Job 32:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Project openness and optimism.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Exhibit positive body language.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Use \u201cI\u201d statements and make good eye contact.<\/p>\n
\u201cEncourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Practice love.<\/p>\n
\u2014 End with an appropriate physical expression: firm handshake, hug, or a pat on the back.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Express appreciation, care, and love.<\/p>\n
\u201cA friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.\u201d (Proverbs 17:17)<\/p>\n
I. Why Should I Forgive When the Conflict Is Not Resolved?<\/p>\n
Forgiveness is not contingent on resolution, nor is it based on feelings. Forgiveness is a choice\u2014a choice to do what God tells you to do. Realize that when Jesus was being crucified on the cross, He said,<\/p>\n
\u201cFather, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.\u201d
\n(Luke 23:34)<\/p>\n
He knew they hadn\u2019t changed. If you don\u2019t forgive, you will develop a root of bitterness and a bitter root will grow bitter fruit.\u2026 You will become bitter.<\/p>\n
Most important of all, you are to forgive because God says so.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:13)<\/p>\n
HOW TO HANDLE \u201cTHE HOOK\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Imagine right now a hook attached to your collarbone. And imagine all the pain attached to the hook that is a result of the wrong that was done to you.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ask yourself, Do I really want to carry all this pain with me for the rest of my life? The Lord wants you to take the pain from the past and release it into His hands.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Then take the offender off of your emotional hook and place that person onto God\u2019s hook. The Lord knows how to deal with your offender. He says,<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.\u201d
\n(Deuteronomy 32:35)<\/p>\n
PRAYER TO FORGIVE YOUR OFFENDER
\n\u201cLord Jesus, thank You for caring about how much my heart has been hurt. You know the pain I have felt because of . Right now I release all that pain into Your hands. Thank You, Lord, for dying on the cross for me and extending Your forgiveness to me. As an act of my will, I choose to forgive . Right now, I take him off of my emotional hook, and I place him onto Your hook. I refuse all thoughts of revenge. I trust that in Your time and in Your way You will deal with him as You see fit. And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power to forgive so that I can be set free. In Your precious name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
J. How Do You Keep Forgiving Following a Major Conflict?<\/p>\n
We may need to go through many bouts of forgiving. Forgiving again and again is just part of the process of forgiveness. As we consistently release each recurring thought of an offense, eventually the thoughts will stay away. The process will be complete.\u2026 The fight will be won. Jesus emphasized the \u201cagain and again\u201d nature of forgiveness when He said,<\/p>\n
\u201cIf he [your brother] sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, \u2018I repent,\u2019 forgive him.\u201d
\n(Luke 17:4)<\/p>\n
HOW TO FORGIVE \u2026 AGAIN<\/p>\n
Forbid recurring thoughts of the wrongs to enter your mind. Stop them as soon as they occur. Boldly say to yourself, I refuse to keep a record of this.\u2026 I refuse to keep a ledger.<\/p>\n
\u201c[Love] keeps no record of wrongs.\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:5)<\/p>\n
Overcome the temptation to bring up the matter again. After there has been honest confrontation with the offender and both sides of the situation have been dealt with or if the other person refuses to talk about the problem, let the Holy Spirit do His work of conviction. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, \u201c[There is] a time to be silent and a time to speak.\u201d Pray this passage \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cSet a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.\u201d (Psalm 141:3)<\/p>\n
Repeat Scripture in your mind. Allow God\u2019s perspective to change your perspective. Allow God\u2019s heart to permeate your heart. At times of testing, repeat over and over, \u201cLove covers this wrong. Lord, may I be an expression of Your love. May I reflect Your love that covers over all wrongs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.\u201d (Proverbs 10:12)<\/p>\n
Give the situation to God. Jesus understands how much you have been wronged. When He was being persecuted, Jesus knew that the heavenly Father would judge justly \u2026 in His way, in His time. And you can know the same. Your trial will make you either bitter or better. Say to the Lord, \u201cI put my heart into Your hands.\u2026 I entrust myself to You. I know You will judge this situation justly.\u201d These words were said about Jesus \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.\u201d (1 Peter 2:23)<\/p>\n
Intercede on behalf of your offender. God does not present prayer as an option for you; it is a command. When you have been wronged, pray, \u201cLord, give me eyes to see him through Your eyes.\u2026 May I care for her with Your care.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.\u201d (Luke 6:28)<\/p>\n
Value what you can give rather than what you can receive. Pray for God to help you understand the offender\u2019s past and how his or her inner pain has contributed to the injury you are now experiencing. Focus on how you might meet some of these inner needs, for it is more blessed to give than to receive.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: \u2018It is more blessed to give than to receive.\u2019 \u201d (Acts 20:35)<\/p>\n
Extend God\u2019s grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a direct expression of both God\u2019s grace and God\u2019s mercy. Grace is getting what you don\u2019t deserve (pardon). Mercy is not getting what you do deserve (punishment). Pray often, \u201cLord, may my life be an expression of Your grace and an extension of Your mercy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Lord is full of compassion and mercy.\u201d (James 5:11)<\/p>\n
K. What Will Protect Your Heart from Bitterness?<\/p>\n
Following conflict, what keeps your heart from a negative focus? Jesus said, \u201cLove your enemies.\u201d Impossible! Unrealistic! No way! People can\u2019t love their enemies \u2026 at least that\u2019s the assumption. Yet, the Greek word agape, translated \u201clove\u201d in this passage, by definition means \u201ca commitment to seek the highest good of another person.\u201d The \u201chighest good\u201d for those who are genuinely wrong is that their hearts become genuinely right. What can be one major catalyst for this change? Jesus provides the answer \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cLove your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.\u201d
\n(Matthew 5:44)<\/p>\n
If you are saying, \u201cbut they really aren\u2019t enemies,\u201d realize that if someone evokes resentment, bitterness, or hatred, that person is an enemy to your spirit. Because praying for your enemy is commanded by Christ, believers should obey this directive and not regard this as optional. And because praying for your enemy protects your heart from bitterness, you should want to obey this directive in heart and in deed. One approach is to pray \u201cthe fruit of the Spirit\u201d for your offender. And because you are willing to \u201cbless\u201d your enemy, the Bible says that you will inherit a blessing.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.\u201d
\n(1 Peter 3:9)<\/p>\n
HOW TO PRAY FOR THOSE WHO HURT YOU<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
\nkindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-
\ncontrol. Against such things there is no law.\u201d
\n(Galatians 5:22\u201323)<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of love by becoming fully aware of Your unconditional love\u2014and in turn will be able to love others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of joy because of experiencing Your steady joy\u2014and in turn will radiate that inner joy to others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of peace\u2014Your inner peace\u2014and in turn will have a peace that passes all understanding toward others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of patience because of experiencing Your patience\u2014and in turn will extend that same extraordinary patience to others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of kindness because of experiencing Your kindness\u2014and in turn will extend that same undeserved kindness to others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of goodness because of experiencing the genuine goodness of Jesus\u2014and in turn will reflect the moral goodness of Jesus before others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of faithfulness because of realizing Your amazing faithfulness\u2014and in turn will desire to be faithful to You, to Your Word, and to others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of gentleness because of experiencing Your gentleness\u2014and in turn will be able to be gentle with others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cLord, I pray that will be filled with the fruit of self-control\u2014the control of self by Christ\u2014and in turn will rely on His control for enablement to break out of bondage and to be an example before others.<\/p>\n
In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.\u201d
\n(James 3:17)<\/p>\n
L. Turning Foes into FRIENDS<\/p>\n
F\u2014Find ways to compliment your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look for and express positive character traits that your opposer possesses.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t focus on complimentary externals such as clothes, hair, good looks.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Express a sincere compliment at an appropriate time. \u201cI\u2019ve noticed (how effectively you spoke \u2026 worked \u2026 sang), and I really admire that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.\u201d (Psalm 37:30)<\/p>\n
R\u2014Repay evil with good toward your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look for and extend acts of kindness.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Commit to God that you will not act negatively like your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do not talk about your opposer in a demeaning way to others.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.\u201d (Romans 12:17)<\/p>\n
I\u2014Intercede in prayer for your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ask God to reveal your opposer\u2019s real needs.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Seek the Lord\u2019s perspective on the differences between you and your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Commit to praying for your opposer every time that person comes to mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cFar be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.\u201d (1 Samuel 12:23)<\/p>\n
E\u2014Empathize with your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Learn about the past hurts and hardships your opposer has experienced.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Get in touch with your feelings as you think about your own hurts and hardships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow yourself to feel compassion as you identify with your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u201cRejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.\u201d (Romans 12:15)<\/p>\n
N\u2014Nurture a forgiving heart toward your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Realize that you were once a sinner without the love of the Lord.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Imagine what life was like before you were a true believer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pray for God to give you a willingness to forgive just as He was willing to forgive you.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.\u201d (Mark 11:25)<\/p>\n
D\u2014Decide to love your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 See yourself as a conduit of God\u2019s love.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look for tangible ways to express love on a continual basis.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Keep focusing on \u201cWhat is in the best interest of my opposer\u201d \u2026 and then do it.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.\u201d (Romans 13:8)<\/p>\n
S\u2014Seek to meet the needs of your opposer.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reach out\u2014look for what is especially meaningful to your opposer (such as reaching out to one of that person\u2019s loved ones).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reach out\u2014invite your opposer to attend an event with you that you know that person would like.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reach out\u2014take food to your opposer when you hear that person is sick or has lost a loved one.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.\u201d (Romans 12:20)<\/p>\n
When you are faced with conflict, passivity is not the real path to peace. Resolution rests in confronting wrong, but with a right heart.
\n\u2014June<\/p>\n
ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS<\/p>\n
Who Displays Which Style of Conflict in Scripture?<\/p>\n
Eve: She is an avoider, a weasel.\u2026 She tried to weasel out of accepting responsibility for her wrong choices by blaming the serpent.<\/p>\n
Cain: He is an attacker, a wolf.\u2026 He became angry when God chastised him regarding his offering.<\/p>\n
The Philistines: They are attackers, wolves.\u2026 They were predators waiting to conquer their prey.<\/p>\n
Delilah: She is an attacker, a snake.\u2026 She accepted a bribe from the Philistines to trap Samson.<\/p>\n
Samson: He is an avoider, a chameleon.\u2026 He told the secret of his strength just to please Delilah.<\/p>\n
King Saul: He is an attacker, a wolf.\u2026 He was jealous of David.<\/p>\n
King David: He is an avoider, a turtle.\u2026 He sought to keep his affair with Bathsheba a secret from her husband, Uriah.<\/p>\n
The Pharisees: They are attackers, snakes.\u2026 They sought to control everyone with laws. They accused Jesus of blasphemy.<\/p>\n
Pilate: He is an avoider, a chameleon.\u2026 He knew that Jesus was innocent, yet condemned Him to death because the crowd insisted that Jesus be crucified.<\/p>\n
Judas: He is an attacker, a snake.\u2026 He betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver.<\/p>\n
Martha: She is an attacker, a hornet.\u2026 She complained to Jesus about her sister Mary.<\/p>\n
Peter: He is an avoider, a turtle.\u2026 He denied ever knowing Jesus.<\/p>\n
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae. NIV\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked ESV taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright \u00a9 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked NASB taken from the New American Standard Bible\u00ae, Copyright \u00a9 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)<\/p>\n
We acknowledge that mistakes could occur in the writing of any of our resources or an omission may be found in the many Scripture references and citations contained herein. Although the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have crept in or been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility. The considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.<\/p>\n
The Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.<\/p>\n
To order CDs, tapes, resource books and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Codependency, Communication, Critical Spirit, Forgiveness, Manipulation, Reconciliation, Rejection, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART P.O. Box 7 Dallas, TX 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).
\nPlease visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.hopefortheheart.org<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 1991\u20132008 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Living in obscurity as a Jewish orphan, she seemed the least likely candidate to be the mediator\u2014the only mediator\u2014to possibly save her people from sure destruction. However, the Lord knew her heart \u2026 and He knew she would face the most severe conflict of her life with complete humility. The entire conflict arose because of … <\/p>\n