Have you ever paused to evaluate the impact of how you communicate? A thoughtful, encouraging word, an empathetic comment, a compassionate glance \u2026 or a careless comment, a rude remark, a sarcastic smirk \u2026 what do they really communicate to those closest to you? Your words have the potential of bringing life or death to the heart of another. Your words, along with underlying attitudes, will either build others up or tear them down, strengthen them in the Lord or weaken their faith.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:21)<\/p>\n
I. DEFINITION<\/p>\n
We just don\u2019t communicate! This familiar phrase is anything but accurate. You constantly and continually deliver messages that reveal the true disposition of your heart. It\u2019s not just what you say, but the way you say it \u2026 the way you listen to others and the way you look at others \u2026 are all means of communication. It\u2019s not a matter of whether you will communicate, but a matter of what you will communicate. And ultimately, the thing that determines whether you encourage or discourage others\u2014whether you help or hurt others\u2014is your heart. Your communication originates not in your mind but in your heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cOut of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.\u201d
\n(Matthew 12:34)<\/p>\n
A. What Is Communication?<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, many conversations can be compared to a tennis match: two players stand on opposite ends of the court preparing to send the ball across the net in such a way that the other has little or no chance of a successful return. The goal is not to keep the ball going back and forth between them, but to deliver the ball so as to prevent a response.<\/p>\n
Good relational conversations can be better characterized as a game of \u201ccatch.\u201d Both people attempt to deliver the ball to the other in such a way that it can be received and then successfully returned. The goal is not to win but to keep the ball going back and forth between them.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Satisfying relational communication is a process of verbal and nonverbal interaction with others in which thoughts and feelings are shared and understood\u2014that is, the receiver of the communication hears what is said and understands what is meant by the sender.1<\/p>\n
\u2014 Verbal communication conveys thoughts and feelings with the spoken word\u2014both choice of words and tone of voice.
\n\u2014 Nonverbal communication expresses thoughts and feelings without words (facial expressions, body posture, hand gestures, direct or indirect eye contact, patient or impatient listening, gentle or rough touch, style of dress and clothing, apathetic or silent responses, platonic or romantic kisses, style of discipline, use of money or gifts).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Hebrew word dabar, which means \u201cword,\u201d is used in the Old Testament to express the concept of communication.2 It implies speaking about a matter. The Bible, referred to as God\u2019s Word, speaks to us about God and is one of the ways God speaks to us on matters pertaining to life. Old Testament language also speaks about the life-giving power of God\u2019s Word.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.\u201d (Psalm 107:20)<\/p>\n
\u2022 In New Testament Greek, logos (word) is not just \u201cthe expression of a thought, concept or idea,\u201d but refers also to the name of an object.3 In the first chapter of John, \u201cthe Word\u201d (logos) signifies the Divine Expression, Christ.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.\u201d (John 1:14)<\/p>\n
Q \u201cHow can I communicate with others in a way that is most pleasing to God?\u201d<\/p>\n
A The method of communication most pleasing to God is one that reflects Jesus Christ in all you say and do. That means allowing Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life \u2026 allowing Him to express His words and actions through you.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.\u201d (Colossians 3:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
B. What Are Some Guidelines for Effective Communication?<\/p>\n
Good relational communication has these three basic characteristics.<\/p>\n
#1 Warmth\u2014conveying acceptance and courtesy<\/p>\n
Warmth says, \u201cYou are important to me. You are valuable to me. I enjoy and respect you. I will not try to make you a carbon copy of myself, but rather I desire that you fully realize your own potential.\u201d<\/p>\n
#2 Genuineness\u2014having no hidden agendas<\/p>\n
Genuineness says, \u201cI am not trying to manipulate you, nor am I trying to bend you to my will. I want to make it safe for you to communicate with me and safe for you to trust that I will be truthful with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
#3 Empathy\u2014putting one\u2019s self in the other\u2019s circumstances\u2014\u201cwalking in another\u2019s shoes\u201d<\/p>\n
Empathy says, \u201cWhile I may not know exactly what you are going through, I\u2019m trying to understand the emotions you feel and the challenges you face. I will seek to understand you, rather than trying to make you understand me.\u201d<\/p>\n
THE \u201cTEN COMMANDMENTS\u201d OF GODLY COMMUNICATION<\/p>\n
The Bible gives many directives for the words we use in communicating with others. The following are Ten Commandments that reflect fundamental principles of godly communication.<\/p>\n
#1 Your words are to be truthful.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.\u201d (Proverbs 12:22)<\/p>\n
#2 Your words are to be pleasing to God.<\/p>\n
\u201cMay the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight.\u201d (Psalm 19:14)<\/p>\n
#3 Your words are to be life-giving.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death.\u201d (Proverbs 18:21)<\/p>\n
#4 Your words are to be encouraging.<\/p>\n
\u201cEncourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
#5 Your words are to be gracious.<\/p>\n
\u201cWords from a wise man\u2019s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.\u201d (Ecclesiastes 10:12)<\/p>\n
#6 Your words are to be wise.<\/p>\n
\u201cWisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment.\u201d (Proverbs 10:13)<\/p>\n
#7 Your words are to be few.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.\u201d (Proverbs 10:19)<\/p>\n
#8 Your words are to be timely.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man finds joy in giving an apt reply\u2014and how good is a timely word!\u201d (Proverbs 15:23)<\/p>\n
#9 Your words are to be an investment.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.\u201d (Proverbs 12:14)<\/p>\n
#10 Your words are to be loving.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:1)<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shall not give false testimony.\u201d
\n(Exodus 20:16)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Some Levels of Communication?4<\/p>\n
While we may pride ourselves in being open and honest with others, the truth is we all have to put on suits of armor to protect our thoughts and feelings. From the moment Adam and Eve recognized their sin, they sought to cover themselves and hide. They no longer wanted to be open and honest with God. Each of us, in our own way, does the same. We develop outer facades that hide inner needs. The following levels of communication are stages of personal development that will bring you out of hiding in order to communicate honestly with God \u2026 and subsequently, to face truth and to be vulnerable with others.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves \u2026 and they hid from the LORD God.\u201d
\n(Genesis 3:7\u20138)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Level #1 Common (superficial)<\/p>\n
General remarks or inquiries that are appropriate between strangers represent the most superficial level of communication. While this kind of communication is often only a polite exchange to acknowledge someone, it can also open the door to deeper levels of communicating.<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cNice to meet you.\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cWhere are the elevators?\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Read John 4:7\u20139.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Level #2 Casual<\/p>\n
Statements and information are shared, but no real personal interaction occurs. This level of communication centers on other people, events or places.<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDid you know Mary Jones when you grew up?\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cHave you ever been to the ocean?\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Read John 4:10\u201311.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Level #3 Comfortable<\/p>\n
Thoughts and ideas are communicated in this first step toward risk taking. Objections, judgments, and decisions are easily expressed. True interaction is still guarded while one\u2019s emotional antenna looks for any signs of disapproval or rejection.<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI really think the government has too much control over our children\u2019s education.\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cIt would be hard to live in a climate that has extremely cold winters.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Read John 4:12\u201314.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Level #4 Caring<\/p>\n
Feelings and emotions are shared by moving beyond \u201chead talk\u201d into revealing \u201cwho I am.\u201d Ideas are still communicated, but now the facts are accompanied by how I really feel about these ideas. I am expressing a sincere desire that you know and understand me. I am willing to risk sharing my own perspective so that I can then understand yours. And I will do so with courtesy.<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cGod has given you many talents \u2026 and sometimes I feel inferior.\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cI think you are very smart \u2026 and it makes me proud to be your friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Read John 4:16\u201326.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Level #5 Committed<\/p>\n
Freedom from all fear of judgment or rejection may allow for complete emotional connection with another person. Reserved for communion with God, with a marriage partner or with the closest of friends, this highest level of communication requires complete openness and deep honesty. In these encounters deeply held beliefs and feelings are totally shared. Two hearts are joined, two spirits are united and feelings are reciprocated. There is mutual understanding and empathy \u2026 there is perfect communication! This level of communication takes hard work. It is much more difficult to communicate heartfelt emotions than it is to communicate factual information. It also takes time: revelational understanding does not come in snatches of conversation, but rather in extended interaction. And this level of communication succeeds only with positive regard for one another.<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cPerhaps I\u2019m too sensitive, but it hurt me when you shared the details of my illness with your friend Karen.\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cI don\u2019t know why it bothers me when you laugh at my mistakes, but it does.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Read John 11:32\u201335.<\/p>\n
Dishonesty has a way of creeping into all our relationships, but the ultimate price of any deception results in the disintegration of honest communication. Anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that it is good to keep the peace by disguising true feelings has developed patterns that destroy the bridge to deep and fulfilling communication.<\/p>\n
\u201cA malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 26:24)<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS OF NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION<\/p>\n
Every person must plead guilty to some violation of God\u2019s ideal for communicating. Without thinking, we attempt to meet inner needs by speaking and responding in ways that intimidate or destroy. The following words and ways are verbal and nonverbal negative communication habits that serve only to wound and wrong others.<\/p>\n
A. Words That Wound<\/p>\n
\u201cA wise man\u2019s heart guides his mouth.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Degrading Words<\/p>\n
Thoughtless, insensitive, teasing, wisecracking, critical, coarse, tactless, indelicate expressions, inappropriate words\u2014<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cSurely you don\u2019t believe that.\u2026\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cHe is very sensual and sexy.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u201cReckless words pierce like a sword.\u201d (Proverbs 12:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Demanding Words<\/p>\n
Ordering, threatening, arguing, cursing, accusing, probing, angry words\u2014<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou\u2019d better do this now or.\u2026\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cWhy were you so late \u2026 where were you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u201cAnger is cruel and fury overwhelming.\u201d (Proverbs 27:4)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Demeaning Words<\/p>\n
Moralizing, preaching, lecturing, judging, criticizing, disapproving, condemning words\u2014<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou never consider my feelings.\u2026\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cYou should do better than that.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d (Proverbs 18:21)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Destructive Words<\/p>\n
Gossiping, repeating rumors or confidences, discrediting, belittling, blaming others, slandering words\u2014<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cShe never arrives at work on time.\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cBe sure not to repeat this but.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u201cWith his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor.\u201d (Proverbs 11:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Deceitful Words<\/p>\n
Lying, false statements, exaggerating, bragging, boasting, flattering, insincere, untruthful words\u2014<\/p>\n
Examples:<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI never really get angry at anyone.\u2026\u201d
\n\u2014 \u201cMy goal is to benefit others in any way I.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
\u201cA deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.\u201d (Proverbs 15:4)<\/p>\n
\u201cWisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 2:12)<\/p>\n
B. Wrongful Ways<\/p>\n
\u2022 Disagreeable Ways<\/p>\n
The following irresponsible and insensitive ways of communicating, often used by people who are not aware of how disagreeable this style of communication can be, become habits that do not bring glory to God.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a man\u2019s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 5:21)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Am I dominating?
\nmonopolizing or controlling conversation
\n\u2014 Am I interrupting?
\nwith a competing spirit
\n\u2014 Am I nagging?
\nfinding fault incessantly
\n\u2014 Am I complaining?
\nmaking crisis or problem dominated conversation
\n\u2014 Am I criticizing?
\ndwelling on the negative
\n\u2014 Am I cutting?
\nmaking jabbing, sarcastic remarks
\n\u2014 Am I ridiculing?
\nmaking another the object of laughter
\n\u2014 Am I arguing?
\ndisagreeing and disputing
\n\u2014 Am I moralizing?
\nlecturing and giving unsolicited advice
\n\u2014 Am I generalizing?
\nsimplifying or making light of real concerns<\/p>\n
\u201cAn offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Defensive Ways<\/p>\n
These ten, usually unintentional, self-protective patterns are evasive tactics used to avoid looking at one\u2019s own defects or imperfections.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 28:13)<\/p>\n
#1 Am I countering the one who confronts with words of denial?<\/p>\n
#2 Am I evading self-examination by focusing on the faults of the other?<\/p>\n
#3 Am I blaming my responses on the actions of the other person?<\/p>\n
#4 Am I bringing up the other\u2019s mistakes from the past?<\/p>\n
#5 Am I rationalizing my behavior because of the circumstances?<\/p>\n
#6 Am I arguing about a trivial point to evade the real issue?<\/p>\n
#7 Am I changing the subject without responding to what was communicated?<\/p>\n
#8 Am I refusing to talk or respond?<\/p>\n
#9 Am I hiding in work activities to avoid intimacy?<\/p>\n
#10 Am I choosing to ignore grievances and allowing my own feelings to fester?<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 15:31)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Deceptive Ways<\/p>\n
Ten intentional versions of untruthfulness (lies and deceptions) reveal open rebellion and foolhardy denial of God\u2019s claim on one\u2019s life.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 14:8)<\/p>\n
#1
\nAm I lying?
\nknowingly giving wrong information\/impressions
\n#2
\nAm I blaming?
\nshifting responsibility to another
\n#3
\nAm I flattering?
\ncomplimenting with hidden motives
\n#4
\nAm I gossiping?
\ntelling rumors about others
\n#5
\nAm I boasting?
\nbragging and flattering myself
\n#6
\nAm I diverting?
\nchanging the subject
\n#7
\nAm I pouting?
\nrefusing to communicate verbally
\n#8
\nAm I patronizing?
\npretending to agree or give support
\n#9
\nAm I discriminating?
\nchoosing to hear only what I want to hear
\n#10
\nAm I misleading?
\ncommunicating only partial truth<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:9\u201310)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES OF NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION<\/p>\n
We are created to have relationships. God\u2019s heart desire is not only that we enjoy a personal relationship with Him \u2026 but that we develop and experience loving relationships with others. However, our sinfulness often gets in the way. Remember Adam\u2019s response when God called out to him in the garden? It could be paraphrased something like \u2026 \u201cI heard You seek to communicate with me, but knowing I had disobeyed, I was afraid You wouldn\u2019t love me anymore. It seemed better to hide so You couldn\u2019t see the truth. Actually, it\u2019s not my fault! The companion You gave me caused the whole problem.\u201d Adam began acting out sin by seeking to meet his needs for love, for significance and for security in the way he thought best.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD God called to the man, \u2018Where are you?\u2019 He answered, \u2018I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.\u2019 And he said, \u2018Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?\u2019 The man said, \u2018The woman you put here with me\u2014she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Genesis 3:9\u201312)<\/p>\n
Q \u201cWhy is it often difficult to have healthy communication within close relationships?\u201d<\/p>\n
A Healthy, mature communication is the revelation of our true selves to someone who cares about us. Risk of rejection can be so intense that we learn different ways to hide our fears and self-doubts. We may not be aware of the destructive habits that were often formed in childhood and that stayed with us into adulthood. Yet they remain established responses that block honest and sincere communication with others.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:11)<\/p>\n
A. Hidden Agendas<\/p>\n
Am I allowing God to meet my emotional needs for love, for significance and for security? Am I resting in the assurance of my God-given self-worth? When I know that I have all I need in Christ, my heart becomes free to focus on the needs of others. Only then will Christ communicate His sincere love through me. Search your own heart. Are you free to love others or are you still in bondage, trying to get your own needs met through self-focused, hidden agendas?5<\/p>\n
\u201cThe heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?\u201d
\n(Jeremiah 17:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 I will receive love if I hide my faults, stuff my feelings, look good, become popular, give gifts, flatter those around me and am always willing to please or help others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 I will have significance if I deny my failures, appear superior, dominate, judge and criticize others, point out faults, perform well, get attention or impress others.<\/p>\n
\u2022 I will be secure if I conceal my fears, deny my anger, avoid conflict, shade the truth, withhold trust, dodge vulnerability, require certain conditions and, above all, stay in control.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.\u201d
\n(Philippians 2:3\u20135)<\/p>\n
B. Hiding Places<\/p>\n
Since I want to appear perfect, but know I am not, it is often easier to avoid communication. I don\u2019t want others to see that I am anxious, fearful, hurting, angry, concerned or experiencing failure. Although the following rationalizations are defense mechanisms we often use to avoid revealing \u201cthe real me\u201d to our loved ones, we can never hide who we are from God.<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?\u2019 declares the LORD. \u2018Do not I fill heaven and earth?\u2019 \u201d
\n(Jeremiah 23:24)<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWhat good would it do to talk about it?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cWhy start an argument?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI can handle this on my own.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI don\u2019t want to worry her.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI\u2019m uncomfortable talking about my problems.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cWe didn\u2019t talk about these kinds of things in our family.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI\u2019m probably too sensitive.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cHumor is the best way to avoid sensitive subjects.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI don\u2019t have an outgoing personality.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cWomen are supposed to be more expressive than men.\u201d<\/p>\n
C. Heart of the Matter<\/p>\n
Your willingness to become a more loving communicator will be dependent on your basic belief system. You may think you want to develop closer, more honest relationships, but if your emotions still need confirmation from others, your communication will be self-focused and insincere.<\/p>\n
Wrong Belief:<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel unworthy and inadequate. If I let others know who I really am, I risk their disapproval and rejection.\u201d<\/p>\n
By-products of this thinking<\/p>\n
\u2022 low self-worth
\n\u2022 apathy
\n\u2022 bitterness
\n\u2022 selfishness
\n\u2022 insecurity
\n\u2022 anger
\n\u2022 resentment
\n\u2022 pride<\/p>\n
Right Belief:<\/p>\n
My heart overflows with love, significance and security in the Lord Jesus Christ. I don\u2019t need the approval and acceptance of others to have a God-given sense of self-worth. Therefore, I am free to communicate honestly and openly with others.<\/p>\n
By-products of this thinking<\/p>\n
\u2022 a heart that can be honest before God
\n\u2022 a heart that can be honest with others
\n\u2022 a heart that can see the needs of others
\n\u2022 a heart that can communicate God\u2019s love to others<\/p>\n
\u201cAccept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.\u201d (Romans 15:7)<\/p>\n
With Christ in you \u2026<\/p>\n
The motivation to withdraw to be bitter and blame, to use silence or shame, to interrupt and complain is changed to \u2026<\/p>\n
The motivation to reach out to listen with care, to be loving and fair, to serve others and share!\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
A. Key Verse to Memorize<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 4:29)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread<\/p>\n
Ephesians chapter 4<\/p>\n
WHO\u2019S IN CONTROL?<\/p>\n
All of us have said words we wish we had never said the minute we said them. Chapter four of Ephesians has the answer to this regrettable dilemma. Give God control of your life. He will enable you to harness the power of your words through applying these practical insights.<\/p>\n
How to give Christ control \u2026
\n\u2022 Desire to live a life that pleases God.
\nv. 1
\n\u2022 Pray for humility, gentleness, patience and forgiveness.
\nv. 2
\n\u2022 Seek to keep peace and have a oneness of spirit with others.
\nv. 3
\n\u2022 Make union with God\u2019s Spirit your goal.
\nvv. 4\u20136
\n\u2022 Know that your power for control is in unity with Christ.
\nvv. 7\u201313<\/p>\n
With Christ in control you will \u2026
\n\u2022 Give up your childish insecurities.
\nv. 14
\n\u2022 Speak truthfully, in love.
\nv. 15
\n\u2022 Become more like Christ.
\nv. 15
\n\u2022 Build up others in love.
\nv. 16
\n\u2022 Live like a child of God \u2026 not of the world.
\nvv. 17\u201318
\n\u2022 Be sensitive to the Spirit\u2019s leading.
\nv. 19
\n\u2022 Exchange your old life for a new life in Christ.
\nvv. 20\u201324
\n\u2022 Maintain honesty with yourself and others.
\nv. 25
\n\u2022 Refuse to let your anger take control.
\nv. 26
\n\u2022 Keep Satan from getting a foothold in your life.
\nv. 27
\n\u2022 Do honest work, and share with those in need.
\nv. 28
\n\u2022 Use your words to build up and encourage others.
\nv. 29
\n\u2022 Refuse to grieve the Holy Spirit.
\nv. 30
\n\u2022 Refuse to speak maliciously of others.
\nv. 31
\n\u2022 Be kind, compassionate and forgiving.
\nv. 32<\/p>\n
C. A Heart That Listens<\/p>\n
Whether they are the complaints of an elderly woman, the arguments of a defensive teenager or the incessant chatter of a four-year-old, words of others are either endured or embraced. Listening is easy to fake, attentiveness is simple to pretend, but real listening requires effort. Our self-centered tendency is to tune others out and our own thoughts in. We tend to muse and reminisce or think about what we are going to say next. As you begin to understand that God, more often than not, communicates to you through the words of others (and through your words to others), your heart will desire to be an attentive listener. The major step to becoming a genuine listener is learning how to listen to God!<\/p>\n
\u201cLet the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 1:5)<\/p>\n
LISTENING TO GOD<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God requires a belief that God loves me and desires to communicate with me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: \u2018I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.\u2019 \u201d (Jeremiah 31:3)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God requires consistent reading, studying and meditating on His living Word, the Bible.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.\u201d (Isaiah 55:11)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God means regularly getting alone and giving Him my undivided attention.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.\u201d (Matthew 14:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God is opening my heart and letting God point His finger of truth on the real me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSearch me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.\u201d (Psalm 139:23\u201324)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God is listening carefully to others, realizing that God may be using them to communicate His personal message to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cPride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.\u201d (Proverbs 13:10)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listening to God is recognizing the presence of the Holy Spirit within me and responding to His guidance for communicating with others.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.\u201d (John 14:26)<\/p>\n
LISTENING TO OTHERS<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen with focused attention.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t interrupt!
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t let emotions of anger override your thinking.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t begin thinking of how you are going to respond.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t be quick to answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.\u201d
\n(James 1:19)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do \u2026 Hear feelings that are being expressed (look beyond the content to the context).
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Try to empathize with the feelings of the other.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Reflect (repeat or paraphrase, when appropriate) what is being said and\/or felt.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Maintain eye contact.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who answers before listening\u2014that is his folly and his shame.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen without judging.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t criticize.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t show contempt or disgust.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t communicate your opinions.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t react in ways that will put another in a defensive position.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.\u201d
\n(James 1:19)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do \u2026 Allow another to grumble and complain.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Allow expression of negative feelings.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Release your own ideas of what is right.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Recognize that you also can be negative and discontented.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.\u201d
\n(Romans 2:1)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen without dispensing advice.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t give premature answers.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t repeat platitudes and clich\u00e9s.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t quote Scripture.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t laugh or make fun of another\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 10:19)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do \u2026 Take seriously the words of another.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Help others to discover their own answers.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Realize that attentive listening is more important than talking.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Realize that most people are not really seeking advice.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 17:28)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen without becoming defensive.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t expect others to have your point of view.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t argue when you disagree with what is being said.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t return an insult with an insult.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t avoid the negative feedback of others.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man\u2019s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 19:11)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do \u2026 Display acceptance even when you disagree with another\u2019s words.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Look for the kernel of truth when confronted by another.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Focus on points of agreement instead of differences.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Seek to understand how your emotions are affecting your communication. Seek to understand, not just to be understood.<\/p>\n
\u201cLive in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called.\u201d
\n(1 Peter 3:8\u20139)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen with humility.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t see humility as a weakness.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t seek your own recognition and praise.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t become easily provoked.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t have a know-it-all attitude.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man\u2019s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 29:23)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do \u2026 Desire God\u2019s approval, knowing that you are His beloved child.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Seek to serve others.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Value advice from others.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Be quick to overlook an offense.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who covers over an offense promotes love.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 17:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Listen with love.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t close your heart to another.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t tune out unpleasant conversation.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t find ways to avoid conversation.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t communicate impatience or boredom.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 3:3)
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Listen with a heart of compassion.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Listen with unconditional acceptance.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Listen with an attitude of respect.
\n\u2014 Do \u2026 Listen for underlying feelings. Empathy binds us together.<\/p>\n
\u201cLove is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 13:4\u20137)<\/p>\n
D. Wonderful Words of Life<\/p>\n
Sing them over again to me,
\nWonderful words of life;
\nLet me more of their beauty see,
\nWonderful words of life.6<\/p>\n
Many old hymns that have been set aside for newer, more contemporary songs of praise still strike chords of truth today. An old favorite written by Philip Bliss in 1875 reminds us of the value of words and their significance. How we choose to use them can have great consequence to the way we communicate. Appropriately and aptly suited, words have the power to speak a dialogue of love!<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:21)<\/p>\n
COMMUNICATE<\/p>\n
Communicate care.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you?\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI really care about your feelings. Are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
Open the door on the past.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cI\u2019ll bet you are just like your father.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI would like to know how you felt about your father.\u201d<\/p>\n
Move away from manipulation.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cIf you don\u2019t talk with me now, I\u2019ll never speak to you again.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cWhen is a good time for us to talk?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mirror the message back.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cI can\u2019t believe you said that.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI hear you saying that you feel I have rejected you. Is that Right?\u201d<\/p>\n
Use \u201cI\u201d messages instead of \u201cyou\u201d messages.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cYou make me feel like a zero.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI\u2019m struggling with feeling that I am of little value to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Never say \u201cnever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cYou never let me talk.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI feel at times that my opinions are not respected.\u201d<\/p>\n
Invest yourself in the other person\u2019s security.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cIt is so frustrating trying to get you to talk to me.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cHave I made it safe for you to respond?\u201d<\/p>\n
Clarify when confused.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cI can tell that you just don\u2019t want me around.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cWould it be better if I were not here at this time?\u201d<\/p>\n
Avoid arguments.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cI totally disagree with your way of thinking.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cHelp me understand your reasons for this decision.\u201d<\/p>\n
Trust the Lord\u2019s timing.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cWe\u2019re going to talk, and I mean now!\u201d
\nRight: \u201cLet\u2019s talk when it\u2019s convenient for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eliminate expectations.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Wrong: \u201cI have a right to expect you to change.\u201d
\nRight: \u201cI love you and am committed to our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
E. Understanding Gender Differences in Communication<\/p>\n
Every person is a unique creation of God, but there are some traits common to most men that differ from the traits common to most women. For example \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Men \u2026 are task-oriented.
\n\u2022 Women \u2026 are relationship-oriented.
\nA husband and wife get together at the end of a busy day. She begins to share how frustrated she feels trying to balance the demands of a part-time job, the discipline of the children, and the upkeep on the house. He wants to solve her problem and begins to develop a strategy and a schedule to permit her to work more efficiently\u2014jumping into his time management mode. She, on the other hand, wants him just to hold her and to understand her frustration, not to solve her problem. She sees him as insensitive. He sees her as undisciplined. And an opportunity for close communication is lost.
\n\u2022 Men use communication to solve problems.
\n\u2022 Women use conversation to build relationships.
\n\u2022 Two men walk out to their automobiles after a hard day\u2019s work, and the vehicle of one will not start. They will discuss the clogged carburetor, the dead battery or the broken fuel line. Their conversation will revolve around their efforts to get the car started.
\n\u2022 Two women in the same circumstances will be discussing how they feel about the whole situation and how they can further build their friendship.
\n\u2022 For men, the primary component of communication is a sharing of information.
\n\u2022 For women, the primary component of communication is a sharing of emotion.
\n\u2022 A man says, \u201cThis is what is!\u201d
\n\u2022 A woman says, \u201cThis is how I feel about what is!\u201d
\n\u2022 Men want headlines.
\n\u2022 Women want the fine print.
\n\u2022 A man says, \u201cJust the facts, Ma\u2019am!\u201d
\n\u2022 A woman says, \u201cExplain yourself!\u201d
\n\u2022 Men speak for report.
\n\u2022 Women speak for rapport.
\n\u2022 A man wants the details so that he can find a solution.
\n\u2022 A woman wants connection so that her relationship can be enriched.<\/p>\n
F. A Heart That Speaks Love<\/p>\n
LANGUAGES OF LOVE FROM THE BOOK OF LUKE7<\/p>\n
Once we understand that relationships, not accomplishments, have the deepest meaning in life, our primary goal in communication becomes, \u201cHow can I meet the love needs of another?\u201d Do you know what specific language fills the emotional needs of those God has placed in your life to love? Are you aware of the meaningful expressions of affection that fill up your own cup? Selfless behavior and self-disclosure are like sugar and cream \u2026 the flavor enhancements to deeper and more intimate communication. Everyone needs one or more of these expressions of sincere love in order for life to \u201ctaste good!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Time \u2026 a healthy dose of opportunities for intimate interaction (both quantity and quality of time)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Undivided, focused attention
\nPut the newspaper down.
\n\u2014 Eye contact
\n\u201cI love you\u201d seen from across the room.
\n\u2014 Listening without giving advice
\nNo formulas for fixing it, please.
\n\u2014 Togetherness activities
\n\u201cLet\u2019s go for a walk.\u201d
\n\u2014 Physical presence
\n\u201cI like having you around.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus
\n(Read Luke 10:38\u201342.)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Talk \u2026 compliments and words that affirm or build up<\/p>\n
\u2014 Words of affirmation
\n\u201cOur relationship is important to me.\u201d
\n\u2014 Verbal compliments
\n\u201cYou did a great job on this meal.\u201d
\n\u2014 Encouragement
\n\u201cI\u2019ve noticed that you write thoughtful notes and letters.\u201d
\n\u2014 Words of appreciation
\n\u201cI really appreciate your cleaning up the garage.\u201d
\n\u2014 Words spoken kindly
\n\u201cI love you. Will you please forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
Parable of tree and its fruit
\n(Read Luke 6:43\u201345.)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Tasks \u2026 doing things that are meaningful to one another<\/p>\n
\u2014 Acts of serving one another
\nPitching in when help is needed
\n\u2014 Acts of serving one another
\nPitching in when help is needed
\n\u2014 Doing chores together
\nCooking, cleaning, yard work or running errands
\n\u2014 Recognizing when there is a need
\n\u201cYou\u2019re feeling bad. Let me clean up.\u201d
\n\u2014 Discerning the \u201cright\u201d things to do
\nWhat is most meaningful to the other \u2026 not to you?
\n\u2014 Serving your loved one\u2019s extended family
\n\u201cI\u2019ll sit with your grandmother in the hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
The Good Samaritan
\n(Read Luke 10:30\u201337.)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Tokens \u2026 giving gifts as visual symbols of love<\/p>\n
\u2014 Communicate love and affection through giving gifts.
\n\u2014 Discern what kind of gifts are most desired, not what you would desire.
\n\u2014 Gifts should never be used as a bribe or have strings attached.
\n\u2014 Cost is not the issue unless it is way out of line with the available resources.
\n\u2014 Tokens of love can also be written notes of admiration and encouragement.<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
The widow\u2019s mite
\n(Read Luke 21:1\u20134.)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Touch \u2026 tender and loving physical contact<\/p>\n
\u2014 Kissing, touching and embracing often
\n\u2014 Appropriate, playful touching
\n\u2014 Holding hands
\n\u2014 Back and foot rubs
\n\u2014 Hand on the shoulder<\/p>\n
Biblical Example:<\/p>\n
Jesus anointed by a sinful woman
\n(Read Luke 7:36\u201338.)<\/p>\n
Q \u201cHow do I discover another\u2019s language of love?\u201d
\nA Ask yourself \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWhat complaints do I hear the most in regard to what I am not doing?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cWhat am I often requested to do?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cHow does my loved one show love to others?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cHave I lovingly asked what is most meaningful?\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cCan I respond in another\u2019s language of love \u2026 even when I don\u2019t feel like it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.\u201d (Proverbs 25:11)<\/p>\n
SEVEN DON\u2019TS FOR SUCCESSFUL LISTENING<\/p>\n
Are You Listening?<\/p>\n
#1 Don\u2019t feel you must do the talking.<\/p>\n
\u201c[There is] a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak.\u201d (Ecclesiastes 3:7)<\/p>\n
#2 Don\u2019t give premature advice.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who answers before listening\u2014that is his folly and his shame.\u201d (Proverbs 18:13)<\/p>\n
#3 Don\u2019t become defensive.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man\u2019s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.\u201d (Proverbs 19:11)<\/p>\n
#4 Don\u2019t become hot-tempered.<\/p>\n
\u201cA hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.\u201d (Proverbs 15:18)<\/p>\n
#5 Don\u2019t laugh at others.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.\u201d (Proverbs 11:12)<\/p>\n
#6 Don\u2019t hold on to hatred.<\/p>\n
\u201cHatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.\u201d (Proverbs 10:12)<\/p>\n
#7 Don\u2019t break a confidence.<\/p>\n
\u201cA gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.\u201d (Proverbs 11:13)<\/p>\n
RECIPE FOR RECONCILIATION<\/p>\n
When life gives you lemons \u2026 make lemonade! If you add the right ingredients, the same transformation may occur in your communication with a loved one. Practice following this easy recipe and taste the sweetness of reconciling painful differences.<\/p>\n
\u201cPleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:24)<\/p>\n
Confront<\/p>\n
When one of you feels sour (hurt, frustrated or unjustly treated), don\u2019t hold it in. Communicate feelings (anger or unmet need) by squeezing out the truth in a loving, nonaccusatory way.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Share the problem using \u201cI\u201d statements.
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019m feeling betrayed. Would you be willing to listen?\u201d
\n\u2022 Describe only the upsetting words or behavior without criticizing character.
\n\u2022 Do not accuse, belittle, call names or criticize.<\/p>\n
\u201cInstead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.\u2026 \u2018In your anger do not sin\u2019: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 4:15, 26)<\/p>\n
Comply<\/p>\n
The person being confronted indicates a willingness to listen (to receive the rebuke without becoming angry or defensive) and sincerely seeks to hear the other\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Respond with a willingness to give undivided attention.
\n\u2014 \u201cYes, I will listen.\u201d
\n\u2022 Do not interrupt. Hear the problem to the \u201clast drop.\u201d
\n\u2022 Above all, don\u2019t make excuses or become defensive.<\/p>\n
\u201cSubmit to one another out of reverence for Christ.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 5:21)<\/p>\n
Confirm<\/p>\n
The listener now paraphrases the problem back (repeats what is heard) without reacting negatively.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Affirm what is being said.
\n\u2014 \u201cYou are saying you felt betrayed last night when I did not defend you? Is this correct?\u201d
\n\u2022 Agreement with the facts is not necessary.
\n\u2022 Ask if your understanding of the problem is correct.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 15:31)<\/p>\n
Change<\/p>\n
After feelings have been delivered and received, the hurting one is allowed to request a change in behavior. Willingness to listen and change behavior becomes the sweet ingredient for developing intimacy in the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Injured one makes a request.
\n\u2014 \u201cWhen someone criticizes me in front of you, would you be willing to express emotional support by making a comment on my behalf?\u201d
\n\u2022 Listener identifies some acceptable responses for use in the future.
\n\u2022 Listener is willing to please the other with a commitment to change.<\/p>\n
\u201cA longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul, but fools detest turning from evil.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 13:19)<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.\u201d
\n(Philippians 2:4)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Have you ever paused to evaluate the impact of how you communicate? A thoughtful, encouraging word, an empathetic comment, a compassionate glance \u2026 or a careless comment, a rude remark, a sarcastic smirk \u2026 what do they really communicate to those closest to you? Your words have the potential of bringing life or death to … <\/p>\n