I. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n
Imagine that you have been handpicked by God to impact all the people around you. You have been chosen to be the liberator throughout the land \u2026 chosen to have the respect of all the people \u2026 chosen as the highest judge over the entire nation. God has even spelled out the specifics you must do in order to protect your power and safeguard your strength. Soon, the awesome stories of your success spread like wildfire. Then \u2026 in walks Delilah!<\/p>\n
You know you are not to reveal the secret of your strength, because God has said, \u201cDon\u2019t tell.\u201d Yet you feel torn. You want to please God, but you also want to please Delilah, who has asked you to disclose the source of your strength. You try to resist, but the more you do, the more she cries and begs, prods and pleads. Now you find yourself in the Delilah Dilemma. As you try to take care of her feelings, you cave in to her manipulation. Finally, you confide that your strength is in your obedience to God in never, ever cutting your hair. Big mistake\u2014a big mistake that leads to unimagined misery! Delilah tells the enemy Philistines, and they cut your hair and take you captive. However, your biggest mistake is not what you said, but what you did\u2014you let Delilah be your \u201cgod\u201d instead of letting God be your God. (See Judges chapters 13\u201316.)<\/p>\n
A. What Is Dependency?<\/p>\n
If Samson had not been so dependent on pleasing Delilah\u2014if he had not been a \u201ccodependent people-pleaser\u201d\u2014he would not have lost his strength, his status, or his sight \u2026 nor would he have lost his spiritual insight. Ultimately, his dependency led to his disobedience, which in turn led to his downfall. In truth, Samson\u2019s pride caused his own downfall, for he prioritized the words of Delilah over the words of God.<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore his downfall a man\u2019s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:12)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dependency is a reliance on something or someone else for support or existence.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have to have this to live.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dependency can be either negative or positive, such as being dependent on cocaine versus being dependent on Christ.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is necessary for my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dependency can be an addiction to any object, behavior, or person that represents an underlying attempt to get emotional needs met.<\/p>\n
\u201cI must do this to meet my needs \u2026 to make me happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
YOU CAN BE DEPENDENT ON \u2026<\/p>\n
Objects\u2014<\/p>\n
\u2022 A chemical addiction to drugs (alcohol, tobacco, cocaine)
\n\u2022 A sexual addiction to erotic items (pornography\u2014magazines, videos\u2014sex toys)<\/p>\n
Behaviors\u2014<\/p>\n
\u2022 An addiction to behaviors that appear to be bad, those that are not widely socially acceptable and can be harmful (inappropriate sex, gambling, excessive spending, compulsive eating)
\n\u2022 An addiction to behaviors that appear to be good, those that are widely socially acceptable but may be equally harmful (perfectionism, workaholism, caregiving)<\/p>\n
People\u2014<\/p>\n
\u2022 A \u201clove\u201d addiction in which you feel that your identity is in another person (A weak \u201clove addict\u201d is emotionally dependent on someone \u201cstrong.\u201d)
\n\u2022 A \u201csavior\u201d addiction in which you feel that your identity is in your ability to meet the needs of another person (A strong \u201csavior\u201d needs to be needed by someone \u201cweak.\u201d)<\/p>\n
Because addictions provide a momentary \u201chigh,\u201d good feelings are associated with them. However, the Book of Proverbs gives this poignant warning.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 14:12)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat is wrong with people depending on people?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: We should have a healthy \u201cinterdependence\u201d on others in the sense that we should value and enjoy each other, love and learn from each other, but we should not be totally dependent on each other. Essentially, this kind of relationship involves a healthy, mutual give-and-take, where neither person looks to the other to meet each and every need. However, many people have a misplaced dependency on others. These kinds of relationships are not healthy, for God intends for us to live in total dependence on Him.<\/p>\n
Over and over, the Bible portrays how godly people learn to have a strong dependence on the Lord rather than a weak dependence on each other. The apostle Paul said we should \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 not rely on ourselves but on God.\u201d (2 Corinthians 1:9)<\/p>\n
B. What Is Codependency?<\/p>\n
Though the word codependency may be fairly new, the concept is age-old. We can certainly see how supposedly strong Samson violates his values by giving in to seemingly dependent Delilah. But this compromise of codependency was not his first. During the time of his seven-day wedding feast, Samson gave a riddle as a wager to the Philistines (the godless people of his new wife). His wife cried the entire time, \u201cYou hate me! You don\u2019t really love me.\u2026 You haven\u2019t told me the answer\u201d (Judges 14:16). On the final day of the feast, Samson was worn down and told his wife.\u2026 Then, in turn, she told the Philistines. As a result, violence and bloodshed ran rampant \u2026 only because strong Samson didn\u2019t act with the strength of his convictions. Instead, he became weak-willed, following the persistent pleading of his weak wife. Samson needed to \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cBe strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 6:10)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Today, a codependent is anyone who is dependent on another person to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The word codependent was first used in the 1970s to describe a family member living with an alcoholic. The prefix co- means \u201cwith\u201d or \u201cone associated with the action of another.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Codependency became the word that describes the dysfunctional behavior of family members seeking to adapt to the destructive behavior of the alcoholic.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Codependency is a relationship addiction. Just as the alcoholic is dependent on alcohol, the codependent is dependent on being needed by the alcoholic \u2026 or on being needed by someone who is dependent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The \u201cenabler\u201d is a codependent person who enables the alcoholic (or other dependent person) to continue with the addiction without drawing and maintaining boundaries. Codependency involves being too dependent on someone or something that cannot meet your needs. Codependency can be compared to the sin of depending on false gods that are powerless to help or depending on a broken water well that won\u2019t hold water. It simply won\u2019t work!<\/p>\n
\u201cMy people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.\u201d
\n(Jeremiah 2:13)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cHow can I know whether I\u2019m an enabler?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: You are an enabler if you perpetuate another\u2019s destructive behavior by protecting that person from painful consequences that could actually serve as a motivation for change.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The enabling parent allows the teenager\u2019s drug habit to continue with no repercussions, even to the detriment of other family members.<\/p>\n
\u2014 The enabling wife calls her husband\u2019s boss to say that he has the flu when in fact he has a hangover.<\/p>\n
Ask yourself, How many lies have I told to protect the reputation of the one with the destructive habit? The Bible has strong words to say about those who protect the guilty.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever says to the guilty, \u2018You are innocent\u2019\u2014peoples will curse him and nations denounce him.\u201d (Proverbs 24:24)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Common Codependent Relationships?<\/p>\n
In a codependent relationship, one person is seen as weak and the other as strong. The weak one appears totally dependent on the strong one. But the one who appears strong is actually weak because of the excessive need to be needed by the weak one. In fact, the strong one needs for the weak one to stay weak, which in turn keeps the strong one feeling strong.<\/p>\n
The ultimate solution\u2014God\u2019s solution\u2014for both of these weak persons is not to try to draw strength from each other, but rather to derive their strength from God. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cHe gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 40:29)<\/p>\n
COMMON CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS<\/p>\n
\u2022 A wife is excessively helpless around her husband \u2026 and the husband needs his wife to stay helpless.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A husband is excessively needy in how he relates to his wife \u2026 and the wife needs him to stay needy.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A student is excessively tied to a teacher \u2026 and the teacher needs the student to stay tied.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A child is excessively pampered by the parent \u2026 and the parent needs the child to stay in need of pampering.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A parent is excessively protected by the child \u2026 and the child needs the parent to stay in need of protection.<\/p>\n
\u2022 An employee is excessively entangled with an employer \u2026 and the employer needs the employee to stay entangled.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A friend is excessively fixated on another friend \u2026 and that person needs the friend to stay fixated.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A counselee is excessively clinging to a counselor \u2026 and the counselor needs the counselee to continue clinging.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A disciple is excessively dependent on a discipler \u2026 and the discipler needs the disciple to stay dependent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A victim is excessively vulnerable to a victimizer \u2026 and the victimizer needs the victim to stay vulnerable.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A layperson is excessively leaning on a spiritual leader \u2026 and the leader needs the layperson to continue leaning.<\/p>\n
When we have a misplaced dependency, we have a misplaced trust. We are excessively trusting in the relationship to provide more than God intended. The Psalms describe a misplaced trust.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cSome trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.\u201d
\n(Psalm 20:7)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhen I was a struggling addict, my wife held our home together. Now that I have truly changed, why is she continually upset and threatening divorce?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: You changed the dynamic! After an alcoholic becomes healthy and whole, the strong codependent mate is no longer needed in the same way. The new dynamic changes the balance in the relationship. The strong one, who no longer feels needed in the same way, could choose to divorce and remarry another needy mate in order to feel needed again. Obviously, divorce is not the solution. For both of you to become emotionally balanced and spiritually healthy is the solution. Just as every alcoholic needs to overcome alcoholism, every codependent needs to overcome codependency. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God\u2019s will is\u2014his good, pleasing and perfect will.\u201d (Romans 12:2)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIn the parent-child relationship, what is the difference between bonding and enmeshment?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Healthy bonding occurs when parents are connected with their children by being God\u2019s instruments to meet their basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. With healthy bonding, nurturing flows naturally from parent to child, leaving the child emotionally fulfilled and whole.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Unhealthy enmeshment occurs when parents need an excessive connection with their children in order to get their own emotional needs met. With enmeshment, nurturing flows unnaturally from child to parent, leaving the child emotionally drained and empty.<\/p>\n
\u201cChildren should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.\u201d (2 Corinthians 12:14)<\/p>\n
D. What Is Biblical Dependency?<\/p>\n
\u2022 God wants you to depend on Him\u2014to totally rely on Him, not on people or things or self-effort.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.\u201d (Psalm 62:7)<\/p>\n
\u2022 God wants you to depend on Him\u2014to believe that He will meet all of your needs. You can safely reveal your hurts, your fears, and your needs to God. He will be your Need-Meeter.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.\u201d (Isaiah 58:11)<\/p>\n
\u2022 God wants you to depend on Him\u2014to trust in Him to take care of your loved ones.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.\u201d (Psalm 62:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 God wants you to depend on Him\u2014to rely on Christ, whose life in you will enable you to overcome any destructive dependency.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe one [Christ] who is in you is greater than the one [Satan] who is in the world.\u201d (1 John 4:4)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat is the difference between a codependent marriage and a healthy marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u2014 An Unhealthy, Codependent Marriage<\/p>\n
\u00bb The weak spouse has a deep-seated need for security and continually looks to the strong spouse to meet all needs. This means that the weak one stays weak.
\n\u00bb The supposedly strong spouse has a deep-seated need for significance and tries to meet all the needs of the weaker partner in order to make that mate dependent on the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2014 A Healthy, Interdependent Marriage<\/p>\n
\u00bb Each emphasizes the other\u2019s strengths and encourages the other partner to overcome personal weaknesses.
\n\u00bb Each encourages the other to be dependent on the Lord, while being responsive to the legitimate needs of the other.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.\u201d (Philippians 2:4)<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENCY<\/p>\n
Can children be conditioned to be codependent? Clearly, yes. In the Bible, Rebekah shows a blatant bias toward her second-born son, Jacob, because he stays close to hearth and home. Meanwhile, Isaac favors his firstborn son, Esau, because he has prowess in hunting.<\/p>\n
Since no two children have identical skills, all children should be recognized for their differences and respected for their distinctiveness. Oh, but Rebekah does not love in this way! She becomes obsessed. Thus, the conniving begins. Rebekah wants Jacob to receive \u201cthe birthright of the firstborn\u201d (which unquestionably belongs to Esau). She becomes determined to deceive her husband so that he will give it to Jacob. Because of the enmeshed relationship between Rebekah and Jacob, she finds it easy to persuade her son to defraud his father. She plots.\u2026 She schemes.\u2026 She secretly plans. Rebekah coaches Jacob to cover his hands with the skin of a young goat so that they will feel like the hands of his brother. She even dresses Jacob in Esau\u2019s clothes. Because of old age and weak eyes, father Isaac is fooled.<\/p>\n
Although the scheme is a success, Jacob is found out and flees for his life. But alas, he does not escape his passive dependency. All too soon, he again becomes manipulated by others. His father-in-law and his own two wives are crafty and cunning. Meanwhile, he feels conned and controlled. Such is the misery in adulthood when one is enmeshed in childhood. (See Genesis chapters 27\u201330.)<\/p>\n
A. Who Are Codependent People?<\/p>\n
Codependent people may appear capable and self-sufficient, yet in reality they are insecure, self-doubting, and in need of approval. This need for approval results in an excessive sense of responsibility and a dependence on people-pleasing performance. However, the Bible says our primary focus should not be on pleasing people, but rather on pleasing God.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 4:1)<\/p>\n
THE CODEPENDENT PERSON PROFILE<\/p>\n
(Think about the person with whom you are closely involved and consider if any of these statements are reflections of you.)<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I feel responsible for the feelings, needs, and actions of the other person.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I try to fix the problems of this person, even to the detriment of my own well-being.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I can discern the thoughts of this person but cannot identify my own.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I know the feelings and needs of this person but do not know my own.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I do things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I feel angry when my help is not wanted.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I tend to be rigid and judgmental in the eyes of others.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I judge myself more harshly than I judge others.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I deny my own feelings and needs\u2014so I\u2019ve been told.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I feel guilty when I stand up for myself.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I feel good about giving but have difficulty receiving.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I try to be perfect in order to avoid anger or criticism.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I look for my worth in the approval of others.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 I find that I am attracted to needy people and that needy people are attracted to me.<\/p>\n
B. What Is a Codependent Relationship?<\/p>\n
The classic codependent relationship is typically characterized by an emotionally weak person who feels the need to be connected to an emotionally strong person. The so-called strong one is actually weak because of the need to be needed. Both are insecure and become entangled in a web of emotional bondage. The two combine to produce a destructive cycle of manipulation and control, draining joy and happiness out of life. Because this destructive dynamic is often subconscious, both parties can feel innocent of any wrongdoing. Yet, God knows that their self-absorbed motives are consumed with trying to fill an empty emotional bucket that has no bottom.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll a man\u2019s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:2)<\/p>\n
THE CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP PROFILE<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both feel a loss of personal identity.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both violate their consciences.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both have difficulty establishing healthy, intimate relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both struggle with low self-worth.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both control and manipulate.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both have difficulty setting boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both become jealous and possessive.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both fear abandonment.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both experience extreme ups and downs.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both are in denial.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both have a false sense of security.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both usually have one other addiction besides the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both feel trapped in the relationship.<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cIs a friendship codependent when two friends depend on one another?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: No, if the friendship is interdependent (reciprocal with balanced sharing), then it is healthy. If the friendship is codependent (out of balance), then it is unhealthy.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.\u201d (Proverbs 27:17)<\/p>\n
\u2014 An Unhealthy, Codependent Friendship<\/p>\n
\u00bb One friend is weak and troubled; the other friend is strong and competent. (There is an imbalance of power and of give-and-take.)
\n\u00bb One friend desires freedom to enjoy other significant relationships but is fearful of doing so. The other friend desires exclusivity and becomes easily jealous or threatened.
\n\u00bb Both may put the other friend in the place of Christ, and neither is bettered by the friendship.<\/p>\n
\u2014 A Healthy, Interdependent Friendship<\/p>\n
\u00bb Both come together as equals with a balance of power and of give-and-take.
\n\u00bb Both pursue and enjoy other significant relationships and avoid exclusivity.
\n\u00bb Both friends are better because of each other. Each strengthens the other spiritually.<\/p>\n
Biblical Illustration: During a difficult time in David\u2019s life, his dearest friend, Jonathan, didn\u2019t try to draw David to himself. Instead, the Bible says, \u201cJonathan \u2026 helped him [David] find strength in God\u201d (1 Samuel 23:16).<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cAs an employee, how can I keep codependency out of my workplace?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Don\u2019t be afraid to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t try to be your employer\u2019s \u201call-in-all\u201d\u2014the one who will always do everything.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t be controlled by manipulation and fear.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t let staying late be a detriment to your God-given, personal priorities. If the work load is too great to accomplish what you have been hired to do in the time allowed, you could express an accurate picture to your employer in this way: \u201cMr. (employer\u2019s name), thank you for the opportunity to work on this assignment. We seem to have run into a problem. You have employed me to be here 40 hours a week; however, there is at least 100 hours of work to be done. How do you want me to prioritize my tasks and utilize my 40 hours this week?\u201d
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t be afraid to say no when it\u2019s appropriate to say no.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet your \u2018Yes\u2019 be \u2018Yes,\u2019 and your \u2018No,\u2019 \u2018No.\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 5:37)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cShould I date a woman who is secure, confident, and competent or someone who is insecure, from a difficult background, and really needs me?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: You can be a knight in shining armor and rescue a damsel in distress. But once you have rescued her and she goes on with her life, she will not value you as a person\u2014only as a rescuer. You want to be wanted because you are loved, not because of emotional unhealthiness.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Someone who is emotionally healthy can love you out of strength and will be able to accept you unconditionally and offer you security in a relationship.
\n\u2014 Someone who is emotionally needy is typically self-focused and limited in ability to be sensitive to the needs of others. Emotionally needy people are more often \u201ctakers\u201d than \u201cgivers\u201d in relationships and \u201cuse people up\u201d emotionally.<\/p>\n
Seek someone with emotional maturity and spiritual wisdom, someone who can help you to grow more and more in your relationship with the Lord.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who walks with the wise grows wise.\u201d (Proverbs 13:20)<\/p>\n
C. Take the Codependency Checklist Test<\/p>\n
Are you unsure about someone who is significant in your life? Is it possible that you are in a relationship that others would call \u201ccodependent\u201d? If so, how would you know? Read through the Codependency Checklist and make a check mark (\u221a) by what is applicable to you.<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you struggle with feeling loved; therefore, you look for ways to be needed?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you want to throw all of your energy into helping someone else?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you say yes when you really want to say no?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel compelled to take charge of another person\u2019s crisis?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel drawn to others who seem to need to be rescued from their problems?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you have difficulty setting and keeping boundaries?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you find it difficult to identify and express your true feelings?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you rely on the other person to make most of the decisions in your relationship?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel lonely, sad, and empty when you are alone?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel threatened when the other person spends time with someone else?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you think the other person\u2019s opinion is more important than your opinion?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you refrain from speaking in order to keep peace?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you fear conflict because the other person could abandon you?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you become defensive about your relationship with the other person?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel \u201cstuck\u201d in the relationship with the other person?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel that you have lost your personal identity in order to \u201cfit into\u201d the other person\u2019s world?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel controlled and manipulated by the other person?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you feel used and taken advantage of by the other person?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you plan your life around the other person?<\/p>\n
\u25a1 Do you prioritize your relationship with the other person over your relationship with the Lord?<\/p>\n
If you responded with a yes to four or more of these questions, you may be involved in a codependent relationship!<\/p>\n
When we find ourselves in unhealthy patterns of relating, we need to change our focus, change our goals, and change what is hindering us from running the race God has planned for us. Our primary focus should be not on a person but on Jesus.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 12:1)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES OF CODEPENDENCY<\/p>\n
What draws people into destructive, codependent relationships? The answer is most often found in their childhood pain\u2014a past pain that impacts their adult choices. In reality, codependent people are grown-ups who have never grown up.<\/p>\n
The Bible refers to immature grown-ups by using the analogy of infants feeding on milk instead of on solid food.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThough by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God\u2019s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 5:12\u201313)<\/p>\n
A. What Causes Codependency to Develop in Children?<\/p>\n
All children progress through five developmental stages on their way to maturity and adulthood. God designed the family to provide the necessary structure for the healthy completion of each of these stages. If as children we fail to progress successfully from one certain stage to another, our development will be stunted at that stage, and we will grow up to be emotionally immature adults. We will develop adult bodies, but\u2014like children\u2014we will be underdeveloped emotionally. As a result, we will be inclined to be drawn into codependent, needy relationships. Out of tender concern for the protection of children, Jesus gave this general, but strong, warning to adults.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIf anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.\u201d
\n(Matthew 18:6)<\/p>\n
FIVE STAGES OF CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT<\/p>\n
God bestows on parents the major responsibility of nurturing their children so that they will not be love-starved\u2014an emotional state that sets them up to \u201clook for love in all the wrong places.\u201d<\/p>\n
#1 The Helpless Stage<\/p>\n
Babies need to bond with their parents because they are helpless and totally dependent for all of their basic needs (including the three inner needs for love, for significance, and for security). If your parents did not meet your needs, you may have grown into a needy adult who feels \u201cempty\u201d inside\u2014as if there is a hole in your heart.<\/p>\n
#2 The Pushing Away Stage<\/p>\n
Toddlers need to begin to push away from their parents as a way of exploring their environment and setting boundaries. If your parents did not allow separation, you may have grown into an adult who manipulates others in order to gain some sense of control.<\/p>\n
#3 The Conflict Stage<\/p>\n
Young children need to learn proper ways of resolving conflict as they begin to test their parents\u2019 rules. If you did not learn healthy conflict resolution skills, you may have grown into an adult who lacks problem-solving skills in your adult relationships.<\/p>\n
#4 The Independent Stage<\/p>\n
Preadolescent children need to grow in independence, but they still need direction and support from their parents. If your parents stifled your assertiveness, you may have grown into a needy, unassertive adult who is dependent on others to validate you.<\/p>\n
#5 The Sharing Stage<\/p>\n
Adolescents need to learn mutual give-and-take and even sacrificial sharing from their parents as they begin to pursue involvement within their own groups. If you did not see a healthy give-and-take between your parents or see ways of sacrificially helping others, you may have grown into a self-focused adult who forms unequal relationships in order to feel some sense of significance.<\/p>\n
Children who grow up being emotionally needy and who are not allowed to learn the skills necessary for forming healthy, adult relationships never learn healthy independence. They have difficulty speaking the truth, asking for what they want, and setting boundaries. They become codependent adults who are addicted to unhealthy relationships because they never learned anything different. Ultimately, they are desperately trying to finish what they started in infancy\u2014to grow up!<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cAs a parent, how can I keep my children from having an unhealthy dependence on me?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Teach your children to pray about their decisions and to depend on God to guide them.
\n\u2014 Begin early to train your children to make their own decisions.
\n\u2014 For example, early on, allow them to choose between two or three options regarding the clothing they would like to wear.
\n\u2014 Praise your children for making good decisions\u2014they will want to repeat actions that are praiseworthy.
\n\u2014 Allow your children to experience the repercussions of making bad decisions. Rather than finding a way to rescue them, maintain the boundary line\u2014some of the most memorable lessons are learned the hard way.
\n\u2014 Teach your children the practical principles of decision making in regard to age-appropriate topics, such as boundaries, chores, friends, curfews, money, dating, and goals.
\n\u2014 Encourage your children to develop friendships with other children and to learn to give and take in relationships.
\n\u2014 Teach your children to take care of their possessions, to perform routine household chores, and to prepare meals.
\n\u2014 Show your children how to budget their money and how to establish spending priorities.
\n\u2014 Enroll your children in group activities or clubs that will expose them to new experiences, enhance their life skills, and develop their self-confidence.
\n\u2014 Identify your child\u2019s strengths and find avenues in which your child can succeed in developing those strengths.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrain a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.\u201d (Proverbs 22:6)<\/p>\n
God meant for us to grow. By God\u2019s design, you can change and grow in maturity. You can have mature relationships. By God\u2019s power, what has been ravaged can be restored. What has been ruined can be redeemed. Ask the Lord to transform your mind with His truth. Realize that the tree rooted in truth will bear much fruit.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.\u201d
\n(Psalm 1:3)<\/p>\n
B. What Causes Repeated Cycles of Codependency?<\/p>\n
Have you wondered why some people go from one bad relationship to another? Your friend escapes one \u201ccontroller\u201d only to be attracted to another \u201ccontroller.\u201d Why move from one negative relationship to another? Have you been caught in the cycle yourself? If so, you may have spoken these perplexing words of the apostle Paul.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do\u2014this I keep on doing.\u201d
\n(Romans 7:19)<\/p>\n
WHAT CHILDHOOD SETUP LEADS TO ADULT LOVE ADDICTION?<\/p>\n
\u2022 As a child, I had a \u201clove bucket\u201d that was empty.<\/p>\n
No one sets out to be emotionally addicted to another person \u2026 to constantly crave love from another person. These cravings were created in childhood because there was \u201cno water in the well\u201d\u2014their \u201clove buckets\u201d were and still are empty.\u2026 They are truly love-starved. When unloved children receive a rare moment of attention or affection from their unloving parents, the result is both exhilarating and confusing. They feel confused as to why they can\u2019t be consistently loved, and they become fixated on how to get that feeling of love again. Rejected children live for any moment of acceptance. Any hint of love becomes an emotional high that temporarily relieves their pain. These children may become adult love addicts because they \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 did not receive enough positive affirmation as children
\n\u2014 grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure
\n\u2014 experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding
\n\u2014 felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned
\n\u2014 experienced repeated rejection from their parents
\n\u2014 felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness<\/p>\n
\u2022 As an adult, I find that my \u201clove bucket\u201d has holes in it.<\/p>\n
Children with empty \u201clove buckets\u201d create a fantasy about some \u201csavior\u201d who will remove their fear and finally make them feel whole. But no matter how much love they receive, it\u2019s not enough because they themselves are not whole.<\/p>\n
As adults, they are still emotionally needy \u201cchildren\u201d who \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 believe that being loved by someone\u2014anyone\u2014is the solution to their emptiness
\n\u2014 enter relationships believing they cannot take care of themselves
\n\u2014 assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship
\n\u2014 have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person
\n\u2014 try to \u201cstick like glue\u201d to the other person in order to feel connected
\n\u2014 live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them<\/p>\n
The plight of a love addict would seem without solution were it not for the Lord, who is the only true Savior, the One who loves them unconditionally and eternally. The Bible gives this assurance.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.\u201d
\n(Jeremiah 31:3)<\/p>\n
THE CYCLE OF THE WEAK ONE<\/p>\n
Scenario #1<\/p>\n
A woman appears weak because as a child her emotional needs were never met. She fantasizes about her \u201cknight in shining armor,\u201d who will one day sweep her away into romantic bliss. This love addict constantly yearns for someone to \u201ccomplete\u201d her as a person. She is drawn to \u201ccaregivers,\u201d yet at the same time, she is terrified at the thought of true intimacy.<\/p>\n
THE CYCLE OF THE STRONG ONE<\/p>\n
Scenario #2<\/p>\n
A man appears strong because as a child he was in an enmeshed relationship with his mother. He was his mother\u2019s \u201ccaregiver\u201d and surrogate husband. (His father was emotionally or physically absent.) Now, as an adult, he is drawn to women who need to be \u201ctaken care of,\u201d but he is terrified at the thought of being smothered again.<\/p>\n
Codependent relationships are formed by two people who are addicted to each other, but who are in denial about their addiction. Both the weak and strong persons can be either male or female. Both have abandonment issues and enmeshment issues. They generally flip-flop between being the weak one and the strong one\u2014sometimes even within the same relationship. The intensity of their relationship and the intensity of their pain are immense as they swing from one extreme to the other \u2026 from suffocating one another to distancing from one another. They fail to focus on this simple, but wise, counsel.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAvoid all extremes.\u201d
\n(Ecclesiastes 7:18)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhy do I keep getting into codependent relationships? I\u2019m now wondering whether it is possible for me ever to break free and stay free?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: When two people are in a codependent relationship, each has a history of feeling both abandoned and controlled. First, recognize how afraid you are of being abandoned, and then realize how you resent being controlled. Your relationship is intense and unstable, full of conflict and chaos, with repeated cycles of \u201ccome close\u201d and \u201cgo away.\u201d Oddly enough, you cannot live peaceably together or apart. You are caught in the destructive ups and downs of codependency and feel you cannot get off the unrelenting roller coaster. But this is not true. When you apply the biblical steps to freedom, it is possible to be set free, because \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWith God all things are possible.\u201d (Matthew 19:26)<\/p>\n
C. What Is the Most Dangerous Dependency?<\/p>\n
If you live your life with a misplaced dependency on others, you will miss the extraordinary relationship God planned for you to have with Him\u2014you may even miss salvation and heaven.<\/p>\n
When God created you, He planned for you to enter into a tender, trusting relationship with Him, for He is so trustworthy that you can totally depend on Him to meet all of your needs. He designed you to live in dependence on Him\u2014not on anyone else\u2014to complete you, to fulfill you.<\/p>\n
HOW TO BEGIN DEPENDING ON GOD ALONE<\/p>\n
If you have struggled with codependency, God has a solution for you\u2014a solution that can be spelled out in four points.<\/p>\n
#1 God\u2019s Purpose for You \u2026 is Salvation.<\/p>\n
\u2014 What was God\u2019s motive in sending Christ to earth? To condemn you? No \u2026 to express His love for you by saving you!<\/p>\n
\u201cGod so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.\u201d (John 3:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What was Jesus\u2019 purpose in coming to earth? To make everything perfect and to remove all sin? No \u2026 to forgive your sins, empower you to have victory over sin, and enable you to live a fulfilled life!<\/p>\n
\u201cI [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.\u201d (John 10:10)<\/p>\n
#2 Your Problem \u2026 is Sin.<\/p>\n
\u2014 What exactly is sin? Sin is living independently of God\u2019s standard\u2014knowing what is right, but choosing wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn\u2019t do it, sins.\u201d (James 4:17)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the major consequence of sin? Spiritual death, spiritual separation from God.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.\u201d (Romans 6:23)<\/p>\n
#3 God\u2019s Provision for You \u2026 is the Savior.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Can anything remove the penalty for sin? Yes. Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.\u201d (Romans 5:8)<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the solution to being separated from God? Belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus answered, \u2018I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.\u2019 \u201d (John 14:6)<\/p>\n
#4 Your Part \u2026 is Surrender.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your \u201cgood works\u201d as a means of gaining God\u2019s approval.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is by grace you have been saved, through faith\u2014and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God\u2014not by works, so that no one can boast.\u201d (Ephesians 2:8\u20139)<\/p>\n
\u2014 Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus said to his disciples, \u2018If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 16:24\u201326)<\/p>\n
The moment you choose to believe in Him\u2014entrusting your life to Christ\u2014He gives you His Spirit to live inside you. Then the Spirit of Christ gives you His power to live the life that God has planned for you. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person He created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:<\/p>\n
PRAYER OF SALVATION
\n\u201cGod, I want a real relationship with You. I admit that many times I\u2019ve chosen to go my own way instead of Your way. Please forgive me for my sins. Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins. Come into my life to be my Lord and my Savior. Help me to depend on You alone to meet my needs. Through Your power, make me the person You created me to be. In Your holy name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT NOW?<\/p>\n
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, look at what God\u2019s Word says that He will do for you!<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 58:11)<\/p>\n
D. What Is the Root Cause of Codependency?<\/p>\n
Everyone is created with three God-given inner needs\u2014the needs for love, for significance, and for security. If we expect or demand that another person meet all of our needs or if we become dependent on another person to do so, we have a misplaced dependency. The Bible makes it plain that \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cGod will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:19)<\/p>\n
WRONG BELIEF for the Dependent:<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to be connected to a stronger person who will provide me with a sense of love and emotional security.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF for the Dependent:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile God often expresses His love through others, He doesn\u2019t want me to live my life depending on another person. I need to live dependently on Jesus, who will meet my needs, give me healthy relationships, and make my life fruitful.\u201d Jesus said,<\/p>\n
\u201cI am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.\u201d (John 15:5)<\/p>\n
WRONG BELIEF for the Codependent:<\/p>\n
\u201cI am responsible for meeting all the needs of this person whom I love, and that gives me a real sense of significance.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF for the Codependent:<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I try to meet all the needs of any other person, I\u2019m taking the role that God alone should have. My need for significance cannot be met by pleasing another person, but it is met by pleasing God and finding my significance in Him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe make it our goal to please him [God].\u201d (2 Corinthians 5:9)<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cAs a counselor, how can I keep my clients from developing an unrealistic dependency on me?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u2014 Don\u2019t have a session without first praying for God\u2019s wisdom. Then let your client know that you will be depending on the discernment God will give you.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t allow yourself to be your client\u2019s \u201csavior\u201d\u2014there is only one Savior, and you are not Him!
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t always be available\u2014you have other responsibilities that will need to be given high priority levels.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t pull your client to yourself, but rather present and model how to have an intimate relationship with the Lord.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t rely on your own sufficiency based on your education or experiences. Instead, rely on the Lord\u2019s sufficiency and encourage your client to do the same.<\/p>\n
\u201cBlessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God.\u201d (Psalm 146:5)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
The primary problem with codependency can be called \u201cidolatry\u201d\u2014giving a greater priority to anything or anyone other than God Himself. Our God is the One who created you and who has a wonderful plan for your life. He is the Lord who loves you and knows how to fulfill you. If you are in a codependent relationship \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Your excessive care causes you to compromise your convictions.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Your excessive loyalty leaves you without healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Your excessive \u201clove\u201d allows you to say yes when you should say no.<\/p>\n
However, our Maker and Master has the right to have primary rule in our hearts and over our lives. Any other substitute is simply idolatry. The Bible says,<\/p>\n
\u201cLove the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.\u201d
\n(Deuteronomy 6:5)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verse to Memorize<\/p>\n
No other verse in the Bible is better at helping us set our priorities straight \u2026 put our relationships in the right order. We must put \u201cfirst things first\u201d or else we, in our relationships, will never have the fulfillment that God has planned for us.<\/p>\n
\u201cAm I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.\u201d
\n(Galatians 1:10)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread<\/p>\n
Notice two thoughts in this passage that seem to be in opposition to one another.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other\u2019s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.\u201d
\n(Galatians 6:1\u20135)<\/p>\n
DOES SCRIPTURE CONTRADICT ITSELF?<\/p>\n
Verse 2 says, \u201cCarry each other\u2019s burdens,\u201d and verse 5 says, \u201cEach one should carry his own load.\u201d Since these two clear-cut directives seem contradictory to each other, which one is true? When you carefully analyze what is being said, there is no contradiction.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Verse 1\u2014Gently encourage another person to change from negative behavior, but beware of your own temptation.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Verse 2\u2014The Greek word for \u201cburden\u201d is baros, which means \u201cweight,\u201d implying a load or something that is pressing heavily. When you help carry what is too heavy for someone else to bear alone, your caring response fulfills the law of Christ.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Verse 5\u2014The Greek word for \u201cload\u201d is phortion, which means \u201csomething carried.\u201d Clearly, when you carry what others should carry, you are not wise. You are not called by God to relieve others of their rightful responsibilities.<\/p>\n
CONCLUSION: Those who are codependent try to get their needs met by carrying loads that others should be carrying. To move out of a codependent relationship, both individuals need to quit trying to be the other person\u2019s \u201call-in-all\u201d and instead encourage each other to take responsibility for their own lives and to live dependently on the strength of God.<\/p>\n
C. Recovery Step #1: Confront Your Own Codependency<\/p>\n
Codependency does not flow from an unchangeable personality flaw or some genetic fluke. A codependent relationship is rooted in immaturity, a fact that should give great hope to those caught in its addictive cycle. While change is never easy, growing up is always within the grasp of anyone who desires to move from immaturity to maturity.<\/p>\n
Any of us can move from codependency to a healthy, mutual give-and-take in our relationships. The key to change is motivation. What kind of motivation? When your pain in the relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful. Moving away from the pain of codependency then becomes a matter of choice and commitment. If you feel that the relationship you are in is more a curse than a blessing\u2014when it brings more death to your soul than life\u2014this is motivation for change.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you \u2026 may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.\u201d
\n(Deuteronomy 30:19\u201320)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront the Fact That You Are Codependent.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Admit the truth to yourself. Before you can be free from the grasp of codependency, you must be honest with yourself about your emotional addiction to another person.
\n\u2014 Admit the truth to someone else. Identify the beliefs and behaviors that have perpetuated your emotional addiction and share them with an objective, trusted friend.
\n\u2014 Admit the truth to God. Realize that your emotional addiction is a serious sin in the eyes of God. Choose now to confess it to Him.<\/p>\n
\u201cConfess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.\u201d (James 5:16)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront the Consequences of Your Codependency.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Accept responsibility for how your past experiences and reactions have hurt your adult relationships (such as your becoming manipulative, controlling, possessive, or angry).
\n\u2014 Accept responsibility for the pain you have caused yourself because of your codependency (such as your becoming jealous, envious, selfish, or obsessive).
\n\u2014 Accept responsibility for the ways in which your codependency has weakened your relationship with God (such as a loss of quantity time, quality time, and intimacy with the Lord).<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.\u201d (Proverbs 28:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Painful Emotions.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Understand that you will have pain no matter what you choose. If you leave the codependent relationship, you will hurt, but if you stay, you will hurt. However, the only hope for future healing is leaving the codependent lifestyle.
\n\u2014 Understand that when the intensity of the relationship diminishes you will experience emotional \u201cwithdrawal\u201d from the exhilarating highs.
\n\u2014 Understand that you will need the support of others to get you through the initial pain of withdrawal and to help you avoid anesthetizing your pain with a \u201csecondary addiction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPerfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one\u2019s friend springs from his earnest counsel.\u201d (Proverbs 27:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your \u201cSecondary Addictions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Recognize that, in an effort to numb the emotional pain of the relationship, codependency often leads to other addictions, such as a chemical dependency, sexual addiction, compulsive eating, or excessive spending.
\n\u2014 Recognize your \u201csecondary addictions\u201d; then seek counseling and spiritual support to overcome them.
\n\u2014 Recognize that recovery from a \u201csecondary addiction\u201d is dependent on recovery from your primary addiction.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.\u201d (Proverbs 18:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Current Codependent Relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Acknowledge your codependent role in the relationship and cease relating through codependent patterns.
\n\u2014 Acknowledge your destructive behaviors. (Write them down.) Then replace them with constructive behaviors. (Write them down.)
\n\u2014 Acknowledge the natural pain of emotional withdrawal (common to the healing of addictions) and focus on God\u2019s supernatural purpose (conforming you to the character of Christ).<\/p>\n
\u201cThose God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son.\u201d (Romans 8:29)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Codependent Focus.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Stop focusing on what the other person is doing and start focusing on what you need to do in order to become emotionally healthy.
\n\u2014 Stop focusing on the other person\u2019s problems and start focusing on solving your own problems (those resulting from your neglect of people and projects in your life).
\n\u2014 Stop focusing on trying to change the other person and start focusing on changing yourself.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.\u201d (Proverbs 14:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Codependent Conflicts.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Do not allow yourself to become trapped in heated arguments or to become emotionally hooked by the bad behavior of the other person. Instead, say to yourself several times, I will not argue\u2014and then disengage from the conflict. Decide ahead of time that, when agitation begins, you will distance yourself.
\n\u2014 Do not defend yourself when you are unjustly blamed.\u2026 Instead, say only once, \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way.\u2026 That doesn\u2019t reflect my heart.\u201d
\n\u2014 Do not be afraid to leave if the conflict continues. State, \u201cI will be gone for a while.\u201d Then calmly walk away.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Codependent Responses.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Remind yourself that \u201cproblem people\u201d have the right to choose wrong. Don\u2019t react to their problem behavior\u2014they are independent of you.
\n\u2014 Remind yourself not to return insult for insult\u2014refuse to raise your voice.
\n\u2014 Remind yourself that your Christlike role is to respond with respect\u2014even when others are disrespectful.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.\u2026 But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.\u201d (1 Peter 3:9, 15\u201316)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront What You Need to Leave in Order to Receive.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Leave your childhood and your dependent thinking. (I can\u2019t live without you.) Then enter into healthy adulthood. (I want you in my life, but if something were to happen, I could still live without you.) That is reality.
\n\u2014 Leave your immature need to be dependent on someone else and embrace your mature need to be dependent on the Lord, who will make you whole within yourself.
\n\u2014 Leave your fantasy relationships (thinking, You are my \u201call-in-all\u201d) and instead nurture several balanced relationships of healthy give-and-take.<\/p>\n
\u201cWounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.\u201d (Proverbs 27:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confront Your Need to Build Mature Non-codependent Relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Establish several interdependent relationships\u2014not just one exclusive relationship. You need mature relationships in which your codependency issues can be resolved and your needs can be met in healthy ways.
\n\u2014 Establish emotionally balanced relationships without being needy of the extreme highs and lows of codependent relationships.
\n\u2014 Establish personal boundaries in all of your relationships, saying no when you need to say no and holding to your no.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us \u2026 go on to maturity.\u201d (Hebrews 6:1)<\/p>\n
D. Recovery Step #2: Look at Your Past Love Addictions<\/p>\n
One effective way to confront codependent love relationships is by using the \u201cwritten word.\u201d Spelling out your thoughts, feelings, and actions will actually distance them from you so that you can look at them. Putting your relationships on paper helps paint a more complete picture, which in turn enables you to gain insights and devise a recovery plan. Putting your life on paper is not easy, but until you are ready to take a close look at your love addiction, you cannot expect to change it.<\/p>\n
Write down the history of your codependent love relationships. First ask the Spirit of God to bring to mind what you need to know and then to teach you what you need to do. He will give you both understanding and wisdom to know how to free yourself of the fettered addictions and how to live in His glorious freedom.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 19:8)<\/p>\n
Make a list of every person with whom you have had a codependent relationship. Think through your family and friends. Put each name at the top of a separate page and then answer the following questions for each relationship:<\/p>\n
#1 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How did you meet and how were you attracted to this person?
\n\u2014 How did you pursue and draw this person to you?
\n\u2014 How did you feel and what did you fantasize about this person?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How do you think God felt about your choices?
\n\u2014 Realize that the Lord is ready to meet your deepest emotional needs. Yet, when we live with misplaced priorities, the Bible says we commit spiritual adultery.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI have been grieved by their adulterous hearts, which have turned away from me, and by their eyes, which have lusted after their idols. They will loathe themselves for the evil they have done and for all their detestable practices.\u201d (Ezekiel 6:9)<\/p>\n
#2 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How did the relationship progress through various stages (Fascination, Fantasy, Fog, Fear, Forsaking, Fixation, Frenzy)?
\n\u2014 How did you feel in each stage?
\n\u2014 How did you act during each stage?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How did you fail to involve God in your life during each stage?
\n\u2014 Realize how ready the Lord has been to intervene.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I came, why was there no one? When I called, why was there no one to answer? Was my arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you? By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea, I turn rivers into a desert; their fish rot for lack of water and die of thirst. I clothe the sky with darkness and make sackcloth its covering.\u201d (Isaiah 50:2\u20133)<\/p>\n
#3 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How did you become preoccupied with the relationship?
\n\u2014 How did you start neglecting yourself and start focusing on taking care of the other person?
\n\u2014 How did you come to expect that person to meet all of your needs?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How did you start neglecting God and when did you stop relying on Him?
\n\u2014 Realize how ready the Lord has been to make you fruitful.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI had planted you like a choice vine of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt, wild vine?\u201d (Jeremiah 2:21)<\/p>\n
#4 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How has this relationship replicated your painful childhood experiences?
\n\u2014 How were you mistreated in the relationship and how did you react?
\n\u2014 How does the relationship impact you today?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How is God replacing (or wanting to replace) your self-destructive, love-addicted patterns with constructive, healthy, holy patterns?
\n\u2014 Realize how ready the Lord is to \u201cre-parent\u201d you in order to meet your deepest needs and heal your deepest hurts.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThough my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.\u201d (Psalm 27:10)<\/p>\n
#5 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How have you experienced fear, envy, jealousy, abandonment, and anger in the relationship?
\n\u2014 How did you assign a higher priority to this person than to everything else?
\n\u2014 How have you made the person the focus of your thought life?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How can you appropriate \u201cthe mind of Christ\u201d in order to overcome destructive feelings and to live out of your resources in Christ?
\n\u2014 Realize how ready the Lord has been to give you His thinking.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have the mind of Christ.\u201d (1 Corinthians 2:16)<\/p>\n
#6 Write out \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How do you feel about the person and the relationship now?
\n\u2014 How has your perspective changed?
\n\u2014 How did things, people, and circumstances become factors in changing your perspective?<\/p>\n
Conclude by answering \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014 How do you think God has been involved in changing your perspective?
\n\u2014 Realize how ready the Lord is to complete His perfect plan for your life.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.\u201d (Philippians 1:6)<\/p>\n
E. Recovery Step #3: Get on the Road to Interdependent Relationships<\/p>\n
We all love to see pictures of babies and then to see their stairstep growth into young adulthood. Built within little, immature children is the ability to grow to maturity. Why should it be any less for immature adults? They too can move from their immaturity and develop mature relationships.<\/p>\n
Once we understand the goal of each developmental stage for reestablishing healthy relationships, we can set out to accomplish those goals\u2014without the aid of earthly parents. Many have done this by \u201ctaking the hand\u201d of the heavenly Father and allowing Him to \u201cre-parent\u201d them. You too can do this by having a plan and then working your plan with the caring support of others. It is an enormously important journey with enormously gratifying rewards. This is the journey God intended for you to take from the beginning.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 41:10)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make it your goal to develop an intimate relationship with God and to form interdependent relationships with significant people in your life.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Commit to becoming actively involved in a group Bible study and in group prayer.
\n\u2014 Commit to reading God\u2019s Word on a daily basis and memorizing Scripture.
\n\u2014 Commit to finding an accountability group and a Christian \u201crelationship mentor\u201d who will be available to you, spend time with you on a regular basis, be honest with you, and coach you in your relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us not give up meeting together \u2026 but let us encourage one another.\u201d (Hebrews 10:25)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make a plan to move toward maturity in your relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Ask God to help you discern where you are stuck in the relationship developmental stages.
\n\u2014 Ask your mentor or another wise person to help you identity your relationship needs (for example, sharing, problem-solving, listening, negotiating).
\n\u2014 Ask your accountability group to hold you accountable to establish appropriate goals in order to meet each of your relationship needs.<\/p>\n
\u201cPerseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.\u201d (James 1:4)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make your relationship with your parents complete.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Choose to resolve any unhealthy patterns with your parents. Break any unhealthy bond and, if possible, establish mature, adult bonds with each parent.
\n\u2014 Choose to not be emotionally enmeshed, needy, or controlled by your parents. If necessary, separate yourself emotionally until you can respond in a healthy way with \u201cno strings attached.\u201d
\n\u2014 Choose to identify and process your \u201cfamily of origin\u201d problems, forgive your offenders, and grieve your losses. Say, \u201cThat was then; this is now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God\u2019s wrath, for it is written: \u2018It is mine to avenge; I will repay,\u2019 says the Lord.\u201d (Romans 12:19)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make a vow to be a person of integrity in thought, word, and deed.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Learn to free yourself of any family secrets\u2014refuse to carry them any longer.
\n\u2014 Learn to listen, to say no, to set boundaries, to give and receive, and to ask for what you need from people.\u2026 Then practice, practice, practice these new, healthy patterns.
\n\u2014 Learn to feel your feelings, to express hurt, and to withdraw and think about what you need to do or say. Write out your action plan; rehearse it; then do it.<\/p>\n
\u201cPrepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.\u201d (1 Peter 1:13\u201315)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make a new job description.<\/p>\n
\u2014 My job is to discern the character of a person and to respond accordingly with maturity.
\n\u2014 My job is to be a safe person for my friends and family and to be present and attentive in my relationships.
\n\u2014 My job is to take care of myself and to be responsible for myself without hurting, punishing, attacking, getting even, or lying to myself or to others.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.\u201d (Job 27:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make a new commitment to yourself.<\/p>\n
\u2014 I will let go of the \u201cold,\u201d self-centered me because I am growing into a \u201cnew,\u201d Christ-centered me.
\n\u2014 I will exchange the lies I\u2019ve believed about myself for God\u2019s truth about me according to His Word.
\n\u2014 I will no longer betray myself by making immature choices, and I will redeem my past, bad choices by making good, mature choices.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!\u201d (2 Corinthians 5:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make maturity, not emotional relationships, your highest goal.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Focus on forming friendships in which you are free to learn, grow, and mature, not emotional attachments that lead to roller-coaster relationships.
\n\u2014 Focus on any potential relationships that might trigger your codependent tendencies and guard your heart from the emotional highs and lows.
\n\u2014 Focus on building relationships with trustworthy, mature Christians whose goal is Christlikeness.
\n\u2014 During a severe time of trial, David\u2019s dear friend, Jonathan \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 helped him find strength in God\u201d (1 Samuel 23:16)<\/p>\n
F. Recovery Step #4: Find the Road to Freedom<\/p>\n
When you are behaving in a codependent way, you are trying to get your needs met through a drive to \u201cdo it all\u201d or to be another person\u2019s \u201call-in-all.\u201d However, you can \u201ctravel the road to recovery\u201d by releasing your desire to control or to change the person you love.<\/p>\n
RELEASE<\/p>\n
Recognize that you are overly dependent on a person and instead place your dependency on God.<\/p>\n
Admit that your codependency is a sin.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pray that God will give you the desire to put Him first and to please Him in all your relationships.
\n\u2022 Determine to look to the Lord to meet your needs for love, for significance, and for security.
\n\u2022 Realize that God did not create you to meet all the needs of another person.<\/p>\n
\u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.\u201d (Deuteronomy 6:5)<\/p>\n
Examine your patterns of codependent thinking.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t believe that pleasing people is always Christlike.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t think that you should always assume the role of peacemaker.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t fear losing the love of others when you allow them to suffer the consequences of their negative actions.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t say yes when you really believe you should say no.<\/p>\n
\u201cSurely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.\u201d (Psalm 51:6)<\/p>\n
Let go of your \u201csuper responsible\u201d mentality.<\/p>\n
Confess that you are trying to be like God in the life of another person.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Trust God to be actively working in the life of your loved one.
\n\u2022 Realize that you cannot make another person be dependable or responsible.
\n\u2022 Rest in God\u2019s sovereign control over all people, events, and circumstances.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.\u201d (Exodus 18:17\u201318)<\/p>\n
Extend forgiveness to those who have caused you pain.<\/p>\n
Reflect on any type of abuse you have experienced in the past\u2014verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual.<\/p>\n
\u2022 What has been unjust and painful in your life?
\n\u2022 Whom do you need to forgive?
\n\u2022 Would you be willing to release this person and your pain to God?
\n\u2022 Choose to forgive again whenever your angry feelings resurface.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d (Colossians 3:13)<\/p>\n
PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS
\n\u201cGod, You know the pain I experienced in my past. I don\u2019t want to keep carrying all this pain for the rest of my life. I release into Your hands, and I ask You to heal my emotional pain. Lord, You know what has done to hurt me. As an act of my will, I choose to forgive . I take off my emotional hook and put onto Your emotional hook. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for setting me FREE.
\nIn Your holy name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
Appropriate your identity in Christ.<\/p>\n
Learn to live out of your resources in Christ Jesus.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Know the truth: \u201cI can be emotionally set free because Christ lives in me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.\u201d (John 8:36)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Believe the truth: \u201cI can change my dependency on people through the power of Christ in me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can do everything through him who gives me strength.\u201d (Philippians 4:13)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Appropriate the truth: \u201cI will nurture only healthy, godly relationships because I have been given Christ\u2019s divine nature.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHis divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.\u201d (2 Peter 1:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
Set healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n
Communicate the necessity for change.<\/p>\n
\u201cI realize that I have not been responding to you in a healthy way. I have been far too dependent on you to meet my needs. And I have sought to meet all of your needs. I am committed to having healthy relationships and to putting God first in my life. I know that I have had negative responses to you, and I intend to begin having positive responses by making decisions based on what is right in the eyes of God.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish what you need to ask forgiveness for.<\/p>\n
\u201cI realize I was wrong for (not speaking up when I should have, not being the person I should have been in this relationship \u2026). Will you forgive me?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish what your limits of responsibility will be.<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel responsible for . But I am not responsible for (making you happy, making you feel significant \u2026). I want you to be happy, but I don\u2019t have the power to make you happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish your limits of involvement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to do with\/for you, but I don\u2019t feel led by God to do .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.\u201d (Proverbs 27:12)<\/p>\n
Exchange your emotional focus for spiritual focus.<\/p>\n
Make God and your spiritual growth your first priority.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Attend an in-depth Bible study in order to learn the heart of God and to grow spiritually with the people of God.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Memorize sections of Scripture in order to put God\u2019s Word in your heart and to learn the ways of God.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Redirect your thoughts to the Lord and take \u201cprayer walks\u201d (talking out loud to the Lord as you walk regularly in your neighborhood or on a trail).<\/p>\n
\u201cDirect me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.\u201d (Psalm 119:35\u201337)<\/p>\n
The cure for codependency is rooted in developing an ever-deepening relationship with the Lord. Your increased intimacy with Him will naturally conform you to His character. When you let the Lord live inside you, you can live in His power. This means that because Christ was not codependent you have His power to overcome codependency.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.\u201d
\n(John 16:33)<\/p>\n
CODEPENDENCY
\nPRAYER
\n\u201cLord Jesus, I renounce as a lie the thought that I could ever be truly abandoned or alone.
\n\u2014 Thank You that You will never abandon me or leave me without support.
\n\u2014 Thank You that no matter what I do or what my circumstances, no matter who is in my life or not in my life, You will be with me and provide for my needs.
\n\u2014 Thank You that Your plans for me are for my good and that You will carry them out.
\n\u2014 Thank You that You are not dependent on anything or anyone other than Yourself to bring about Your good intentions toward me.
\nI trust in You and You alone to give me meaning and purpose and fulfillment in life.
\nIn Your holy name I pray, Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
G. Help for an Unhealthy Relationship<\/p>\n
RELEASING YOU<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to stop loving you,
\nbut is to love enough to stop leaning on you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to stop caring for you,
\nbut is to care enough to stop controlling you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to turn away from you,
\nbut is to turn to Christ, trusting His control over you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to harm you,
\nbut is to realize \u201cmy help\u201d has been harmful.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to hurt you,
\nbut is to be willing to be hurt for healing.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to judge you,
\nbut is to let the divine Judge judge me.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to restrict you,
\nbut is to restrict my demands of you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to refuse you,
\nbut is to refuse to keep reality from you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to cut myself off from you,
\nbut is to prune the unfruitful away from you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to prove my power over you,
\nbut is to admit I am powerless to change you.<\/p>\n
Releasing is not to stop believing in you,
\nbut is to believe the Lord alone will build character in you.<\/p>\n
Releasing you is not to condemn the past,
\nbut is to cherish the present and commit our future to God.<\/p>\n
\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
MY COMMITMENT BECAUSE OF CHRIST IN ME<\/p>\n
Because Jesus lives in me
\n\u2026 I will conquer codependency.<\/p>\n
Because Christ was not a \u201cpeople-pleaser\u201d
\n\u2026 I will not be a \u201cpeople-pleaser.\u201d<\/p>\n
Because Christ refused to compromise
\n\u2026 I will not yield to compromise.<\/p>\n
Because Christ kept healthy boundaries
\n\u2026 I will keep healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n
Because Christ stood up to pressure
\n\u2026 I will not cave in to pressure.<\/p>\n
Because Jesus lives in me
\n\u2026 I will conquer codependency!<\/p>\n
\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
\u201cI have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.\u201d
\n(Galatians 2:20)<\/p>\n
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae. NIV\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
We acknowledge that mistakes could occur in the writing of any of our resources or an omission may be found in the many Scripture references and citations contained herein. Although the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have crept in or been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility. The considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.<\/p>\n
The Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.<\/p>\n
To order CDs, tapes, resource books and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger, Friendship, Guilt, Habits, Loneliness, Manipulation, Perfectionism, Self-Worth, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART P.O. Box 7 Dallas, TX 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).
\nPlease visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.hopefortheheart.org<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 1991\u20132008 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
@book{Hunt_2008,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Codependency: Balancing an Unbalanced Relationship},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2008}}<\/p>\n
Exportiert aus Verbum, 14:41 18. Februar 2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I. DEFINITIONS Imagine that you have been handpicked by God to impact all the people around you. You have been chosen to be the liberator throughout the land \u2026 chosen to have the respect of all the people \u2026 chosen as the highest judge over the entire nation. God has even spelled out the specifics … <\/p>\n