Do you feel that the mix of your family is basically a mess? If you mix flour, sugar, eggs and oil together \u2026 it takes some work to get them to blend. But when the mixture is exposed to the heat of an oven for just the right amount of time, a chemical reaction occurs that bonds the separate ingredients into a delicious dessert. Likewise, when members of a blended family are subjected to the heat of new living conditions and differing personalities, it takes some work to come together as a connected family unit. Each individual needs to make every effort to promote peace and build one another up so that the family will be bonded in love and in unity. \u201cLet us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.\u201d (Romans 14:19)<\/p>\n
I. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n
Blended families, with their many challenges, have been around for a long time. They are formed for different reasons. When a spouse with children remarries after the death of a partner, the situation is difficult. But when the family unit becomes a blend of his children, her children and their children, the recipe for success requires a great deal of understanding and forgiveness.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:13)<\/p>\n
A. What Is a Blended Family?<\/p>\n
\u2022 The blended family is a family unit in which one or both of the spouses have been previously married and bring a child or children to the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The word blended means \u201cmixed together.\u201d It suggests a combining of separate units into an integrated whole.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The stepfamily is a family unit in which at least one spouse has a parental relationship with a child based on marriage, not blood.<\/p>\n
B. What Is a Nuclear Family?<\/p>\n
The nuclear family is a traditional family unit composed of \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 one husband and one wife<\/p>\n
\u2022 one marriage<\/p>\n
\u2022 one or more children from one union<\/p>\n
C. God\u2019s Heart on Remarriage<\/p>\n
\u2022 Remarriage is permitted when the marriage covenant is broken by \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014death<\/p>\n
\u201cBy law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.\u201d (Romans 7:2\u20133)<\/p>\n
\u2014defilement (adultery)<\/p>\n
\u201cI tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.\u201d (Matthew 19:9)<\/p>\n
\u2014desertion and divorce (a controversial position)<\/p>\n
Only because of a hardened heart on the part of the one who leaves\u2014God\u2019s heart is one of reconciliation.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.\u201d (1 Corinthians 7:15)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Remarriage is not permitted \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2014to an unbeliever<\/p>\n
\u201cA woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.\u201d (1 Corinthians 7:39)<\/p>\n
\u2014to a former spouse who has married another<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD.\u201d (Deuteronomy 24:1\u20134)<\/p>\n
\u2014to a divorced person whose spouse has not broken the marriage covenant<\/p>\n
\u201cI tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.\u201d (Matthew 19:9)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Remarriage is not God\u2019s preferred state for everyone.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.\u201d (1 Corinthians 7:7\u20139)<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS<\/p>\n
The French, known for their exquisite breads and pastries, have a saying, \u201cMauvaise brioche, mauvaise maison.\u201d If the dough is not good, nothing else will be either. Making a good brioche is not difficult, but it requires patience and a basic understanding of the properties of the dough. Brioche dough is unusually heavy from the weight of so much butter and eggs. It takes longer to rise than ordinary bread, and the dough will be very sticky and hard to work with. Failures are inevitable when you\u2019re learning to make brioche, as well as when you are learning the properties of blended families and how to work with them. Relationships get sticky and hard to deal with. But as any chef will tell you, failure is the beginning of wisdom and understanding.<\/p>\n
\u201cBy wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 24:3)<\/p>\n
STAGES OF BLENDED FAMILY ADJUSTMENTS<\/p>\n
A. Fantasy Stage \u2026 unrealistic expectations<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream of gaining happiness and wholeness through a new marriage<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream that I won\u2019t make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream of marrying a model parent who will love my children<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream that I will love my spouse\u2019s children as my own<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream that our love is enough to conquer all problems<\/p>\n
B. Factual Stage \u2026 reality sets in<\/p>\n
\u2022 The dream of a unified family life is not reality.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The guilt, jealousy and anger from former relationships are damaging to the new relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The children are mourning their lost parent and are not accepting the stepparent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The transition to a new family becomes more difficult than expected.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The problems seem too difficult, accompanied by a strong temptation to give up.<\/p>\n
ARGUMENT:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not my mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are so right. However, I am the mother in this home.\u201d<\/p>\n
ARGUMENT:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not my dad. I don\u2019t have to do what you say.\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER:<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother and I have talked about this, and we have agreed that this decision is best for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
C. Fruitful Stage \u2026 growth and maturity<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that a blended family is not ideal; there will always be a unique set of family problems<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that mistakes will be made, but God uses mistakes to build character and strengthen the family unit<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that it is going to take the cooperation of both partners to overcome difficulties and make the marriage work<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that it takes time, and it may be years before there are any signs of unity or smooth functioning relationships<\/p>\n
\u2022 The realization that God will use this blended family as a source of spiritual growth, a means of healing the past and a demonstration of His unconditional love<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cI have two children by another marriage, and my husband has three. His thirteen-year-old son lives with us, and I have an eleven-year-old son and a fourteen-year-old daughter. This is the second marriage for both of us. We seem to constantly disagree on discipline issues. It seems that my children have to make the most adjustments. My husband rarely disciplines his son, yet he is very critical of my children and their behavior. This is causing a lot of anger between us, and I am not sure our relationship will survive. How can we overcome the serious differences that are dividing our family?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: It is common for each spouse to put his or her child\u2019s interests first. But when the children\u2019s interests are first, over that of the other spouse and his or her children, it becomes a recipe for dissension. Although blended families such as yours tend to be very difficult, there is hope. Both you and your husband must be willing to agree on appropriate behavior and discipline for all the children. Do absolutely nothing until you can apply the policy to which you both agree. Ultimately, you will begin to discipline by taking each other\u2019s feelings into account. As you learn to agree in other areas of conflict, you will begin learning how to act in the interests of all family members.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.\u201d (Philippians 2:4)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES<\/p>\n
Some recipes are not as easy as they seem, especially when many ingredients are added to the mixture. And in situations where there has been a divorce, more than just the members of the family are involved. Other parents from other marriages are blended into the mix. A major difficulty will be establishing lines of authority for children who spend a great deal of time with a natural parent. Children also resent leaving a parent who now is not part of the new family makeup. If there can be open lines of communication among all the adults involved, children will be able to accept guidelines for their behavior more readily.<\/p>\n
\u201cHonor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.\u201d
\n(Exodus 20:12)<\/p>\n
A. Major Causes of Failure<\/p>\n
\u2022 First Marriage<\/p>\n
\u2014immature spouse<\/p>\n
\u2014sexual difficulties<\/p>\n
\u2014relatives<\/p>\n
\u2014value systems<\/p>\n
\u2014social adjustments<\/p>\n
\u2022 Second Marriage<\/p>\n
\u2014child rearing<\/p>\n
\u2014financial difficulties<\/p>\n
\u2014relatives<\/p>\n
\u2014value systems<\/p>\n
\u2014sharing tasks<\/p>\n
B. The Stepfamily Sabotage<\/p>\n
Your emotional health is of critical importance when you are faced with the new challenges of parenting, the pain of separating from past marriages and the stress of interacting with ex-spouses. Your responses to the challenges will greatly affect the failure or the success of your new family. Although no two families are alike, all will have varying degrees of the following emotions:<\/p>\n
\u201cForget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!\u201d
\n(Isaiah 43:18)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Loss<\/p>\n
\u2014All members are dealing with the loss of the nuclear family.<\/p>\n
\u2014Children are grieving the loss of a parent.<\/p>\n
\u2014Spouses are grieving the loss of significant relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Fear<\/p>\n
\u2014Children fear loss of affection.<\/p>\n
\u2014Children fear the unknown.<\/p>\n
\u2014Spouses fear a second failure.<\/p>\n
\u2014Stepparents fear rejection.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Anger<\/p>\n
\u2014Both children and stepparents may be angry over lack of acceptance.<\/p>\n
\u2014Children may be angry over too little or too much discipline from stepparent.<\/p>\n
\u2014Stepparent may be angry over additional financial commitments and responsibilities.<\/p>\n
\u2014Both children and stepparents may be angry over unfulfilled expectations, dreams and goals.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Guilt<\/p>\n
\u2014Children feel guilty over divided loyalty.<\/p>\n
\u2014Children feel guilty about being responsible for the failure of the first marriage.<\/p>\n
\u2014Children feel guilty about not accepting and loving the stepparent.<\/p>\n
\u2014Spouses feel guilty over the divorce and its effect on the children.<\/p>\n
\u2014Spouses feel guilty over giving priority to bonding with the new spouse.<\/p>\n
\u2014Spouses feel guilty over not loving stepchildren.<\/p>\n
\u201cTherefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 12:1)<\/p>\n
C. Root Cause of Marriage Failure \u2026 the Second Time Around<\/p>\n
WRONG BELIEF:<\/p>\n
\u201cI must be perfect in this new marriage in order to project a healthy family image and to prove my success as a marriage partner and as a parent.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF:<\/p>\n
I cannot be a perfect parent or make others happy all the time. I will rely on the Holy Spirit, who gives me the wisdom and love to respond in a Christlike manner in all my family relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cI do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.\u201d (Philippians 3:13\u201314)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s face it, some of us will never make the perfect chocolate souffle \u2026 no matter how hard we try. But that doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t produce something wonderfully good! Does it really matter if the coconut cake slopes ever so slightly or the peach ice cream never sets up very hard? The important thing is to keep on trying when you feel like giving up. Stick close to God\u2019s recipe for loving others, and He will bless your efforts.<\/p>\n
\u201cCommit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:3)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verse to Memorize<\/p>\n
\u201cLet us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.\u201d
\n(Romans 14:19)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read and Reread<\/p>\n
Colossians 3:12\u201315
\n\u2022 Know that you are chosen by God.
\nv. 12
\n\u2022 Realize that you are loved by God.
\nv. 12
\n\u2022 Reflect the character of Christ.
\nv. 12
\n(compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience)
\n\u2022 Lift up and support each other.
\nv. 13
\n\u2022 Forgive those who offend you.
\nv. 13
\n\u2022 Act in love.
\nv. 14
\n\u2022 Know that love builds unity.
\nv. 14
\n\u2022 Live in peace with one another.
\nv. 15
\n\u2022 Have a thankful heart.
\nv. 15<\/p>\n
\u201cAs God\u2019s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:12\u201315)<\/p>\n
C. Remarriage Readiness Test<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do you understand why you married your first partner?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you recognized and confessed your part in the broken marriage?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Was there an honest attempt to work through the relational problems in your first marriage?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you learned to be content as a single?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you developed a healthy identity as a single or a single parent?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Are you capable of being responsible with your finances?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you determined why you desire to remarry?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do your children have a healthy, well-working plan of visitation with their other parent?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you considered and consulted your children regarding their feelings about your remarriage?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you given up the unrealistic dream of an \u201cideal family\u201d?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you committed to remarriage only with someone who has a personal commitment to Jesus Christ?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have you made the issue of remarriage a matter of prayer, and are you seeking God\u2019s will for your life?<\/p>\n
\u201cUnderstanding is a fountain of life to those who have it, but folly brings punishment to fools.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:22)<\/p>\n
D. Preparing Children for Your Remarriage<\/p>\n
\u2022 Meet alone with your own children.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Communicate your unconditional love for them.<\/p>\n
\u2022 State your belief that remarriage is God\u2019s direction for your life.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Share the positive future you see for them.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encourage them to be open and to share their feelings.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Explain that the stepparent will not replace their natural parent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make your marriage commitment clear.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ask for their help in this transition.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Communicate their secure position.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Let them know that Christ will be the center of their new family.<\/p>\n
\u201cPleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:24)<\/p>\n
E. The Shared Custody Shuffle<\/p>\n
Many have found that a shared custody arrangement is not always in the best interests of a child. Children seem to have more difficulty being constantly on the move. But if you do share custody, it is important to remember to do the following when a child returns to your home:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Stop what you are doing.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Greet with a warm hug.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow reentry time.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give focused attention.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ask nonthreatening questions.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Expect children to try to manipulate your feelings.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t assume all they say is true.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Distance yourself emotionally from any anger.<\/p>\n
\u201cA man finds joy in giving an apt reply\u2014and how good is a timely word!\u201d
\n(Proverbs 15:23)<\/p>\n
F. Blended Family Bonding<\/p>\n
Build a solid relationship with your spouse.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Base your relationship on Christ.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Face difficulties with a united front.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Move to a neutral home if possible.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.\u201d (Genesis 2:24)<\/p>\n
Observe family traditions and holidays with flexibility.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be aware of various family expectations.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be considerate of children who are caught in the middle.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be willing to sacrifice personal expectations for holidays.<\/p>\n
\u201cBe devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.\u201d (Romans 12:10)<\/p>\n
Nurture the children\u2019s nuclear family relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Respect the missing parent\u2019s rights.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encourage communication with all grandparents and relatives.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encourage holiday cards, birthday gifts and thank-you notes.<\/p>\n
\u201cHonor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.\u201d (Exodus 20:12)<\/p>\n
Determine to stand firm.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t relax your standards.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t be sensitive to rejection.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t expect a problem free family.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.\u2026 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.\u201d (Proverbs 29:15, 17)<\/p>\n
Initiate family structure.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Work toward a biblical authority structure.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have well-defined boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Maintain consistent discipline.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be united in decisions.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.\u201d (Proverbs 3:12)<\/p>\n
Negotiate mutual ground.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encourage open and honest communication.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Have frequent family meetings and devotions.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Talk, talk, talk with each other!<\/p>\n
\u201cI appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.\u201d (1 Corinthians 1:10)<\/p>\n
Grow in dependence upon Christ.<\/p>\n
\u2022 See your personal identity in Christ.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t depend on others for happiness.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.\u201d (Colossians 2:6\u20137)<\/p>\n
INSIGHTS FOR THE INSTANT PARENT<\/p>\n
\u2022 Realize that becoming an instant parent is a challenging task.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Remember that you\u2019re not replacing a parent; you\u2019re offering a new relationship.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reinforce your commitment to the marriage for the benefit of the child.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Regard your role as God\u2019s example of what a marriage is intended to be.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Rebuild a gradual authority system to function by Biblical guidelines.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reflect the love of God by providing security for the child.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Refuse to judge or criticize the missing parent.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Resist the temptation to withdraw emotionally if you are not immediately accepted.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Resolve to pray for the child and for your marriage.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Relinquish your right to be respected and loved\u2014it may take a very long time.<\/p>\n
\u201cSince we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 12:1\u20132)<\/p>\n
A blended family is like a jagged jigsaw puzzle.
\nIf you force the pieces to fit, you destroy the potential design.
\nIf you wait for God to work it, the picture comes\u2014in time.
\n\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae. NIV\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
\nWe acknowledge that mistakes could occur in the writing of any of our resources or an omission may be found in the many Scripture references and citations contained herein. Although the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have crept in or been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility. The considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.
\nThe Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.
\nTo order CDs, tapes, resource books and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Adultery, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, Midlife Crisis, Parenting, Rejection, Unbelieving Mate, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART P.O. Box 7 Dallas, TX 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).
\nPlease visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.hopefortheheart.org<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 1992\u20132008 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
@book{Hunt_2008,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Blended Family: God\u2019s Recipe for Success},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2008}}<\/p>\n
Exportiert aus Verbum, 00:48 16. Februar 2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Do you feel that the mix of your family is basically a mess? If you mix flour, sugar, eggs and oil together \u2026 it takes some work to get them to blend. But when the mixture is exposed to the heat of an oven for just the right amount of time, a chemical reaction occurs … <\/p>\n