I. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n
In the world of professional cycling, Greg LeMond has clearly distinguished himself by earning a reputation for being \u201csqueaky clean.\u201d
\nNow that Lance Armstrong has been stripped of all seven of his consecutive Tour de France titles, Greg is the only American to have won the prestigious race\u2014not once, not twice, but three times.
\nGreg is internationally known as a staunch anti-doping advocate and publicly criticized Lance for crossing ethics boundaries even before his first Tour de France \u201cwin.\u201d He also is all too aware that this is not an isolated problem with Lance; numerous cyclists are doping their way to try to secure victories. \u201cI want to see cycling get to where I can say I can see a real winner,\u201d Greg says.
\nThe psalmist\u2019s declaration is shared by Greg.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI do not sit with the deceitful, nor do I associate with hypocrites.\u201d
\n(Psalm 26:4)<\/p>\n
A. What Are Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Lance Armstrong and Dr. Michele Ferrari\u2014it is an association that raises giant red flags for Greg LeMond.
\nFor years Ferrari is associated with sports fraud and has since been described as the \u201carchitect\u201d behind the doping program for the U.S. Postal Service Team, which includes Lance and his teammates. In the sport of professional cycling, all kinds of boundaries are crossed \u2026 by doctors, by athletes, and even by cycling\u2019s governing body, known as the International Cycling Union (UCI), according to Greg.
\nThe Bible gives warning concerning crossed boundaries.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 11:3)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A boundary is an established limit\u2014a line that should not be crossed.
\n\u2014 In some cases it is a line that cannot be crossed by humans, as with many of the boundaries God established at Creation.
\n\u2014 Some fixed boundaries are regarded as \u201claws.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Physical boundaries are territorial lines that divide one area from another.
\n\u2014 In the Bible, the first boundary given to a person was spoken directly by God to Adam \u2026 and the first boundary to be broken was broken by Adam with Eve.
\n\u2014 The one who owns the property has the right to control the property and the responsibility to set the rules for those on the property.
\n\u2014 You have both the right of personal control and the responsibility of setting rules for others regarding what is yours. God, the Creator and \u201cowner\u201d of the Garden of Eden, had the right to set the rules for everything and everyone in the Garden.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD God commanded the man, \u2018You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Genesis 2:16\u201317)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Moral boundaries are ethical lines that divide right from wrong.
\n\u2014 When a boundary is respected, the result is a reward.
\n\u2014 When a boundary is rejected, the result is a repercussion.<\/p>\n
God set up moral boundaries for Adam and Eve\u2014boundaries based on right and wrong. When this boundary line was crossed, sin entered the world\u2014a repercussion that disqualified them from staying within the bounds of the garden.
\nWhen you have communicated a clear, rightful boundary\u2014with a reward and a repercussion\u2014yet someone violates that boundary, it is only right to enforce the repercussion. The violator not only chose to violate the boundary, but also chose the repercussion that goes with the violation.
\nThe principle of rewards and repercussions was clearly demonstrated when God set a boundary with Adam and Eve. In choosing to violate the boundary established by the Lord, they also chose the repercussion attached to their sin.\u2026 They chose the repercussion God relegated to the violation.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTo Adam he said, \u2018Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, \u201cYou must not eat from it,\u201d Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Genesis 3:17)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Personal boundaries are individual lines that separate one person from another. Personal boundaries are the healthy by-product of realizing we are uniquely separate from one another and therefore are responsible for our own attitudes and actions.
\n\u2014 Eve was boundaryless\u2014she allowed the serpent to have undue influence over her.
\n\u2014 Adam was boundaryless\u2014he allowed Eve to have undue influence over him.<\/p>\n
Boundaries are the basis of your individual identity (who you uniquely are), your individual responsibilities, your individual choices. You\u2014not someone else\u2014are responsible for your own thoughts and beliefs, decisions and actions.
\nAdam and Eve needed to think separately about what God said and what the serpent said. For indeed, to not stay within God\u2019s boundary caused a repercussion that changed their lives \u2026 and ours \u2026 forever.
\nAfter God asked them about eating the forbidden fruit, the man said \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018The woman you put here with me\u2014she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.\u2019 Then the LORD God said to the woman, \u2018What is this you have done?\u2019 The woman said, \u2018The serpent deceived me, and I ate.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Genesis 3:12\u201313)<\/p>\n
B. What Is the Purpose of Personal Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Governing agencies are set up to establish and enforce boundaries, and when it comes to sports, they are to help athletes establish personal boundaries and to achieve victory with integrity.
\nBut the International Cycling Union (UCI) is falling far short, according to Greg LeMond, and clean cycling will not emerge until an agency other than UCI handles drug testing. Greg says that many cyclists don\u2019t trust the UCI. The agency has even been accused of covering up Lance Armstrong\u2019s doping offenses.
\nLance is infuriated by Greg\u2019s public criticism, particularly of his association with Dr. Michele Ferrari, and finds himself crossing another boundary. According to an investigative report, Lance is attributed with the following paraphrase: \u201cWho does Greg think he is, talking about Ferrari? I\u2019m going to take him down.\u201d<\/p>\n
The following proverb can be applied to Lance.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 5:22)<\/p>\n
Additionally, good boundaries equip you to be a good steward:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Of the people and relationships God has entrusted to your care
\n\u2022 Of everything for which God has made you responsible
\n\u2022 Of what God has assigned you to do as your purpose in life<\/p>\n
Boundaries protect you by allowing that which is safe and constructive to come close to you and by keeping that which is unsafe and destructive away from you. The boundary of a tiger\u2019s cage keeps a dangerous tiger inside the cage and vulnerable people outside the cage\u2014away from harm. In relationships, boundaries are put in place to guard us and protect us and to provide a healthy environment in which relationships can flourish and grow toward Christlike maturity.
\nAnother familiar example are common filters found in every automobile, lawn mower, factory, business, home, office, and even every airplane. They protect both engines and people from undue damage. Similarly, a fence around a home protects young children and pets from wandering out into the street and provides a barrier against strangers and stray animals coming into the yard.
\nBoundaries guard us from giving more than we should and protect us from others\u2019 taking more than they should. And boundaries make it possible for us to enjoy mutual giving and taking from one another in healthy relationship.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAbove all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 4:23)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Personal boundaries allow you to:
\n\u2014 Determine what belongs to you and what belongs to another
\n\u2014 Designate what you personally have power and authority over
\n\u2014 Decide what and who you will prioritize in your life
\n\u2014 Demonstrate the control you have over your own body, behaviors, emotions, thoughts, spiritual beliefs, and moral convictions
\n\u2014 Delineate the ways you will stay true to your own moral convictions
\n\u2014 Declare and enforce limits in your relationships<\/p>\n
Boundary lines help bring order to your personal world and the world around you. The Bible says \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 14:40)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Personal boundaries convey:
\n\u2014 What you are
\nand
\nwhat you are not
\n\u2014 What you like
\nand
\nwhat you don\u2019t like
\n\u2014 What you want
\nand
\nwhat you don\u2019t want
\n\u2014 What you believe
\nand
\nwhat you don\u2019t believe
\n\u2014 What you will choose
\nand
\nwhat you won\u2019t choose
\n\u2014 What you will endure
\nand
\nwhat you won\u2019t endure
\n\u2014 What you will accept
\nand
\nwhat you won\u2019t accept
\n\u2014 What you will give
\nand
\nwhat you won\u2019t give<\/p>\n
Pray for wisdom and insight in order to have the best boundaries and right relationships.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!\u201d
\n(Proverbs 16:16)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Different Kinds of Personal Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Lance Armstrong violates all kinds of personal boundaries when it comes to his association with Greg LeMond.
\nAmong cyclists, Lance develops a reputation as a bully, and before his fall, people fear to cross him. At one point Greg says that Lance calls him and threatens to find ten people who will swear that he has doped. People associated with cycling even call Greg to intimidate him to not interfere with Lance.
\nGreg\u2019s wife, Kathy, says the darkest, most desperate attempt by Lance to shut up her husband was his offer of $300,000 to one of Greg\u2019s former teammates to vow he had seen Greg using drugs. The offer is declined, but Lance\u2019s bullying reputation is affirmed. \u201cHe crosses lines no others will cross,\u201d Kathy observes and experiences firsthand.
\nAn Old Testament passage also provides an apt description that could apply to Lance.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTheir feet rush into sin.\u2026 They pursue evil schemes.\u2026\u201d
\n(Isaiah 59:7)<\/p>\n
Relational boundaries enable you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Stand up for yourself and speak your mind appropriately
\n\u2022 Feel comfortable in giving honest feedback to others
\n\u2022 Be firm with others in a loving and gentle way
\n\u2022 Respect the rules of others and act in their best interest
\n\u2022 Express the rules you have established for your relationships
\n\u2022 Defend others and promote equality in relationships<\/p>\n
God gives a model of how to do this in His Word.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDo to others as you would have them do to you.\u201d
\n(Luke 6:31)<\/p>\n
Emotional and mental boundaries equip you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Evaluate the appropriateness of your emotions in light of God\u2019s Word and deal with them accordingly
\n\u2022 Investigate truth for yourself and disengage from those who try to manipulate or hurt you and whose ideas and values are contrary to your own
\n\u2022 Guard against letting emotions rule you by focusing your mind on God\u2019s thoughts and on His character
\n\u2022 Keep your emotions governed by God\u2019s truths and His perspective on events in your life
\n\u2022 Experience natural human emotions and agree or disagree with others without fear or shame
\n\u2022 Respond emotionally to others and communicate your own thoughts and opinions in a Christlike way<\/p>\n
God tells us to hold our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWe demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.\u201d
\n(2 Corinthians 10:5)<\/p>\n
Spiritual boundaries allow you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Experience a right relationship with God through trusting Christ
\n\u2022 Live in a way that pleases and honors God
\n\u2022 Distinguish God\u2019s will from the will of others that has been imposed on you
\n\u2022 Commit to being controlled by Christ, not by people
\n\u2022 Avoid spiritually abusive, manipulative, or divisive people
\n\u2022 Lead a victorious Christian life<\/p>\n
God has established spiritual boundaries through His Word.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.\u201d
\n(Psalm 119:11)<\/p>\n
Moral and ethical boundaries teach you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Know the difference between right and wrong
\n\u2022 Appreciate the true value of people
\n\u2022 Live a life of moral integrity
\n\u2022 Be the same in public as you are in private
\n\u2022 Discern the true character of a person
\n\u2022 Evaluate the right way to think and act toward others<\/p>\n
God calls us to do only what is right.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.\u201d
\n(Genesis 4:7)<\/p>\n
Sexual boundaries authorize you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Determine whether or not you will allow a person to touch you sexually
\n\u2022 Determine areas of appropriate sexual expression and activity
\n\u2022 Determine how you will respond in the heat of passionate temptation
\n\u2022 Determine personal purity that preserves sexual activity for a committed marriage relationship
\n\u2022 Determine the parameters you will place on your thought life regarding sex
\n\u2022 Determine what you will allow yourself to watch, listen to, and participate in that is of a sexual nature<\/p>\n
God\u2019s Word clearly states these boundaries are not to be violated.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is God\u2019s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 4:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
Physical boundaries help you to:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Guard against abusive behavior
\n\u2022 Prevent physical injury to yourself and to others
\n\u2022 Protect yourself against threat or risk
\n\u2022 Shield yourself from danger or harm
\n\u2022 Avoid the appearance of impropriety
\n\u2022 Maintain a sense of being separate, having your own personal identity<\/p>\n
God\u2019s Word reminds us that our bodies belong to God.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 6:19\u201320)<\/p>\n
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat role do boundaries play in relationships, and just how important is it to establish boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: People with healthy boundaries understand the reality of our unique individuality and our need for mutually beneficial separateness. They know that we come into this world alone and we will enter the next world alone.<\/p>\n
They accept that we are separate from one another \u2026 and yet we live with one another. We are individually responsible before God \u2026 and yet God holds us responsible for how we treat one another.<\/p>\n
Clearly, although we are separate individuals, God made us to be in relationship with each other. The means by which we succeed at being both separate and together is established through healthy boundaries. Healthy people have healthy relationships because \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 They realize that healthy boundaries are \u2026
\n\u2014 To be modeled in our families
\n\u2014 To be developed in our closest relationships
\n\u2014 To be rooted in God\u2019s perfect will for us<\/p>\n
\u2022 They understand that healthy boundaries provide \u2026
\n\u2014 Safety, security, and confidence in who we are
\n\u2014 The ability to say no to others without guilt or fear
\n\u2014 \u201cFences\u201d to protect us, not to keep us away from one another<\/p>\n
Healthy people have healthy boundaries. With boundaries we are able to juggle the two opposites of separateness and togetherness by creating and maintaining balance in our relationships. We do that by keeping God in His proper place and people in their proper place.<\/p>\n
God comes first and people come second.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus replied: \u2018Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.\u2019 This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: \u2018Love your neighbor as yourself.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Matthew 22:37\u201339)<\/p>\n
D. What Is God\u2019s Heart on Boundaries?<\/p>\n
They\u2019ve got to go.
\nIn the midst of the Lance Armstrong doping investigation, Greg LeMond calls for the president of the International Cycling Union (UCI) and the honorary president to step down. Pat McQuaid and his predecessor, Hein Verbruggen, do not manifest God\u2019s heart on boundaries.
\n\u201cDuring this investigation, you can\u2019t have the fox guarding the henhouse, and that means they need to willingly step down\u2014now. Will they? Most likely not because they are protecting their own position. It will take pressure.\u201d Greg offers to run UCI as interim president, but insists his replacement must be someone who is \u201cbeyond reproach.\u201d
\nMcQuaid and Verbruggen, by the way, are still leading the controversial UCI.
\nThe truth found in Scripture epitomizes the ways of both Greg and Lance.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 10:9)<\/p>\n
God\u2019s heart is that we set boundaries for our relationships with one another. He even wrote some of those boundaries out for us in His Word.
\nLook at what His Word says regarding His will for us, and you will see them\u2014the boundaries God has ordained for our lives \u2026 the boundaries we need to establish and live by if we are to follow His heart and live our lives according to His will.\u2026<\/p>\n
#1 God\u2019s will is that we treat one another with respect.
\n\u201cShow proper respect to everyone \u2026\u201d (1 Peter 2:17).<\/p>\n
#2 God\u2019s will is that we focus on listening to one another and carefully consider our words before we speak.
\n\u201cEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak \u2026\u201d (James 1:19).<\/p>\n
#3 God\u2019s will is that we express appropriate anger toward one another in a helpful rather than hurtful manner.
\n\u201c \u2018In your anger do not sin\u2019 \u2026\u201d (Ephesians 4:26).<\/p>\n
#4 God\u2019s will is that we participate in and benefit from mutual submission.
\n\u201cSubmit to one another out of reverence for Christ\u201d (Ephesians 5:21).<\/p>\n
#5 God\u2019s will is that we not lie, but rather speak truthfully to one another from our hearts.
\n\u201cEach of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor \u2026\u201d (Ephesians 4:25).<\/p>\n
#6 God\u2019s will is that we acknowledge and take responsibility for our wrongs and that we forgive others for their wrongs.
\n\u201cTherefore confess your sins to each other.\u2026 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you\u201d (James 5:16; Colossians 3:13).<\/p>\n
#7 God\u2019s will is that we say \u201cYes\u201d or \u201cNo\u201d without feeling guilty about it.
\n\u201cAll you need to say is simply \u2018Yes\u2019 or \u2018No\u2019; anything beyond this comes from the evil one\u201d (Matthew 5:37).<\/p>\n
#8 God\u2019s will is that we refuse to sin against Christ by violating one another\u2019s conscience.
\n\u201cWhen you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ\u201d (1 Corinthians 8:12).<\/p>\n
#9 God\u2019s will is that we give and receive justifiable rebukes and refrain from using flattery on one another.
\n\u201cWhoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue\u201d (Proverbs 28:23).<\/p>\n
#10 God\u2019s will is that we appeal to a higher authority when necessary, just as the apostle Paul did when he was being slandered by Jewish leaders.
\n\u201cIf the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true, no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!\u201d (Acts 25:11).<\/p>\n
#11 God\u2019s will is that we remove ourselves from abusive situations.
\n\u201cDo not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered\u201d (Proverbs 22:24).<\/p>\n
#12 God\u2019s will is that we emotionally and spiritually support one another.
\n\u201cAnd let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another \u2026\u201d (Hebrews 10:24\u201325).<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS<\/p>\n
The best way to describe the relationship between figure skaters Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding is \u2026 icy.
\nIt\u2019s 1994 and the XVII Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway, are just six weeks away. The skaters will first compete against each other at the United States Figure Skating Championships in Detroit, Michigan. Nancy is favored to win the Olympic trials competition and is at the rink a couple of days ahead of time to practice her backspins and jumps. She exits the rink temporarily and walks toward a backstage area, never imagining even for a moment that she will become the victim of a crossed boundary \u2026 a boundary concerning violence. The Bible has strong words for those who pursue violence.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.\u201d
\n(Psalm 11:5)<\/p>\n
A. What Differentiates Bad Boundaries from Beneficial Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Nancy Kerrigan suddenly is approached by a man wielding a weapon resembling a police baton, and he does the unthinkable where a figure skater is concerned \u2026 he clubs her on her right knee.
\nThe elegant skater now writhes in pain and anguish, buckling to the floor and bemoaning her probable withdrawal from the competition. After a medical examination, it is determined that Nancy, indeed, is not fit to skate and will need time to heal in order to try to be ready for the Olympics. Meanwhile, Tonya, her fierce competitor, glides to victory and is dubbed the U.S. champion.
\nBut eyebrows start to raise when the assailant and his three cohorts are identified, exposing close connections to \u2026 Tonya. In the tragic scenario \u2026 bad boundaries abound.
\nScripture gives clear warning concerning those who are engaged in evil schemes.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWoe to those who plan iniquity, to those who plot evil on their beds! At morning\u2019s light they carry it out because it is in their power to do it.\u201d
\n(Micah 2:1)<\/p>\n
Setting and respecting boundaries is a two-way street. It becomes a loving approach to your relationship with others. Sometimes it becomes necessary to reestablish and reinforce your boundaries when they have been violated.
\nPeople who have never had appropriate boundaries or who have no boundaries at all may not be aware when they step across another person\u2019s boundary line. In addition, they will likely fail to recognize when they should set and communicate appropriate boundaries for themselves.
\nThose who have healthy, beneficial boundaries are generally quick to recognize unhealthy, bad boundaries in others. The goal then becomes that of maintaining boundaries while seeking to convey the value \u2026 the necessity \u2026 of everyone establishing loving, beneficial boundaries in their own lives.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.\u2026 for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.\u2026 Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 2:6, 8, 11)<\/p>\n
In seeking to distinguish bad boundaries from beneficial ones in your own life or in the life of another, be aware of the following differences.\u2026<\/p>\n
BAD BOUNDARIES VS. BENEFICIAL BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
Bad Boundaries
\nBeneficial Boundaries
\n\u2022 You define yourself based on what others say or feel about you and will do almost anything to feel accepted by them.
\n\u2022 You know that you are accepted by God and created by Him for a unique purpose and that you must define yourself based on who He says you are!
\n\u201cAccept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.\u201d
\n(Romans 15:7)
\n\u2022 You do not express your opinion out of fear that people will not agree with you. This leaves you feeling inferior.
\n\u2022 You are not afraid to express yourself, although doing so can leave you open to criticism, rejection, and hurt.
\n\u201cGod has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.\u201d
\n(2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV)
\n\u2022 You isolate yourself in order to minimize suffering, and you see yourself as a victim.\u2026 You don\u2019t ask for what you need.
\n\u2022 Even at the risk of being hurt, you form relationships based on mutual respect and see yourself as healed of past hurts.
\n\u201cHeal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.\u201d (Jeremiah 17:14)
\n\u2022 You seek out many people but do not trust anyone.
\n\u2022 Although not everyone is trustworthy, you have a few trustworthy \u201cforever\u201d friends in your life.
\n\u201cOne who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:24)
\n\u2022 You are enmeshed in relationships, but have little true intimacy. You retreat deep within yourself, concealing your innermost feelings. You feel that it is unsafe to love and be loved so you do not let down your guard with others.
\n\u2022 You have many acquaintances but choose to be totally open, truly transparent, and deeply intimate with only those who have proved themselves to be safe and to always have your best interest at heart.
\n\u201cA friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 17:17)
\n\u2022 You are inconsistent when enforcing your boundaries \u2026 yet, when you do decide to draw the line, you overreact and become overbearing, rigid, and inflexible.
\n\u2022 Your boundaries are flexible, yet consistent. You can be assertive without being aggressive.\u2026 You are tender and straightforward, firm, and respectful when setting your personal boundaries.
\n\u201cAll you need to say is simply \u2018Yes\u2019 or \u2018No\u2019.\u2026\u201d
\n(Matthew 5:37)
\n\u2022 You use emotional manipulation to get your needs met because you view disagreeing with someone as attacking them, and you don\u2019t want to risk their getting angry.
\n\u2022 You can express what you want and how you feel in a forthright way while also being sensitive, dialoguing in a spirit of mutual openness and discovery.
\n\u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 18:21)
\n\u2022 You learn to use boundaries as a weapon against others, to exert power over them, to deceive them, and to keep them off balance or at a safe distance.
\n\u2022 You do not use boundaries as a weapon against others, but to demonstrate your desire to maintain healthy, honest, God-honoring relationships.
\n\u201cTherefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 4:25)
\n\u2022 You cannot see the ways you allow others to mistreat you or the ways you mistreat others.
\n\u2022 Your boundaries help you identify how others are mistreating you or how you are mistreating others.
\n\u201cThe wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 14:8)
\n\u2022 You stay in bad relationships with unsafe people because you feel needed and unworthy of anything better, or you feel too insecure to leave the relationship.
\n\u2022 You learn to enforce repercussions for the unacceptable behavior of others and act to change harmful relationships. You reward positive behavior that helps relationships to flourish.
\n\u201cDo not be misled: \u2018Bad company corrupts good character.\u2019 \u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 15:33)<\/p>\n
B. What Indications Help Identify Broken Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Tonya Harding\u2019s ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly, pleads guilty to racketeering for helping plan the attack on Nancy Kerrigan and her bodyguard. Shawn Eckardt, along with Shane Stant and Derrick Smith, are charged with conspiracy.
\nGillooly and Eckardt plan the attack, Stant executes it, and Smith drives the getaway car. Tonya pleads guilty to hindering the investigation following the assault and suffers a slew of penalties. Harsh repercussions \u2026 follow broken boundaries.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Withdrawal from participation in the world skating championships
\n\u2022 The surrendering of her U.S. Figure Skating Association membership
\n\u2022 Three years\u2019 probation
\n\u2022 A $100,000 fine
\n\u2022 The establishment of a $50,000 fund to benefit Special Olympics
\n\u2022 The reimbursement of $10,000 for judiciary costs
\n\u2022 500 hours of community service
\n\u2022 A mandatory psychiatric examination with court-prescribed treatment<\/p>\n
Scripture clearly indicates that there always will be consequences for sin.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.\u201d
\n(Galatians 6:7\u20138)<\/p>\n
Just as Olympic and professional athletes are screened for possible rule violations prior to being cleared to compete in a sporting event, you, too, need to screen yourself for boundary violations if you want to be a viable contender in the arena of relationships \u2026 in the game of life.
\nHaving broken boundaries or no boundaries at all will put you at a disqualifying disadvantage if you have any hope of standing in the winner\u2019s circle. By establishing and maintaining boundaries that nurture, guard, and protect your own heart and the hearts of those you cherish, you can prosper in this quest for success. Only, remember to get wisdom and gain understanding in the process.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 19:8)<\/p>\n
As you seek to identify broken boundaries in your life, answer the following questions.\u2026<\/p>\n
CHECKLIST FOR BROKEN BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
Do you have difficulty making decisions and sticking with them when opposed?
\nDo you feel that you must seek opinions of others before acting on a decision?
\nDo you feel hesitant to give your opinion when asked?
\nDo you fear expressing what you really feel?
\nDo you lack confidence in your own convictions?
\nDo you avoid certain people because you fear embarrassment?
\nDo you have difficulty maintaining eye contact with others?
\nDo you have difficulty asking others for help?
\nDo you fear losing the love and affection of others?
\nDo you perform favors for others even when you know you shouldn\u2019t?
\nDo you avoid asking people to return overdue items they have borrowed?
\nDo you have difficulty receiving sincere compliments from others?
\nDo you keep an unwanted item you purchased because you fear returning it?
\nDo you need a great deal of assurance from others?
\nDo you do more than your share of work on a project?
\nDo you allow others to be untruthful in your presence without stating the truth?
\nDo you have difficulty pointing out situations that are unfair?
\nDo you ever say yes when you want to say no?
\nDo you think you have to answer the phone every time it rings?
\nDo you listen to a telemarketer even when you want to say, \u201cNo, thank you\u201d?
\nDo you feel compelled to send money when receiving solicitations in the mail?
\nDo you feel guilty when you say no to someone who is asking for your time?
\nDo you sometimes accept the blame for mistakes that aren\u2019t yours?
\nDo you feel guilty when someone suffers a repercussion for having broken a boundary you have set?<\/p>\n
If you have struggled with broken boundaries, you may also struggle with being afraid of disappointing others \u2026 afraid of receiving criticism from others \u2026 afraid of losing the love of others. The Lord does not want you to live in a state of fear \u2026 which is why so many people have been helped when they personally focus on the heart of the following Scripture.
\nRead these verses out loud every day for one month and watch how God will strengthen your relationship with Him so that you will know that He is your strength \u2026 He is your confidence \u2026 He is your security.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD is my light and my salvation\u2014whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life\u2014of whom shall I be afraid?\u2026 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.\u201d
\n(Psalm 27:1, 3)<\/p>\n
TRIANGULATION<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat exactly is \u2018triangulation,\u2019 and how is it related to boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Boundary triangulation occurs when an individual fails to speak the truth in love to a boundary violator and fails to enforce a repercussion. Instead, the person elicits the help of an uninvolved third-party ally who is anything but objective.<\/p>\n
Such an impossible situation generally creates a whole new set of issues. Rather than having only one offender and one offended, everyone ends up offending and being offended, and a complicated mess ensues.<\/p>\n
In triangulation, rather than the offended party rightfully taking responsibility for working out a personal problem in a proper and concise way with an offender, the individual seeks support and refuge in a sympathetic third party.<\/p>\n
Thus triangulation is rooted in being afraid to confront and creates problems rather than peace. This clearly violates the teaching of Jesus.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.\u201d
\n(Matthew 18:15)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Signs of Crossed Boundary Lines?<\/p>\n
For some, Tonya Harding\u2019s repercussions \u2026 don\u2019t go far enough.
\nAlthough she is charged with criminal activity following the assault, both her ex-husband and bodyguard claim she had prior knowledge of the attack and even helped plan it. And the final \u201cgo-ahead\u201d to maim Nancy Kerrigan \u2026 is given by Tonya, according to her ex-husband.
\nDistrict Attorney Norman Frink says there is \u201c\u2026 substantial evidence to support Ms. Harding\u2019s involvement prior to the assault. She\u2019s not going to plead guilty to it, but I think the facts speak for themselves.\u201d Had a legal agreement not been reached concerning Tonya, Frink had planned to pursue indictments on other charges.
\nTonya may be concealing prior involvement, but God sees it all.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.\u201d
\n(Luke 8:17)<\/p>\n
Thank goodness for instant replay! In sports, as in life, those too close to the action or too far from it are not always able to see when rules are broken, when boundary lines are knowingly or unknowingly crossed. And since winning is at stake, important sporting events are recorded by strategically positioned cameras so that every action can be replayed for all to see and for all to judge.
\nIn the case of personal boundaries, no instant replay cameras keep a vigilant eye on us, but there is One whose eyes see it all, for He never slumbers or sleeps or looks away from us \u2026 not even for an instant. His eyes steadily record our every move; His mind is constantly aware of our thoughts. His ears are always tuned into our words. His heart is forever discerning our motives.
\nAnd with His Spirit empowering us and His written word guiding us, He can conform us to Christ by keeping our boundaries in check and accomplishing His purposes in and through us.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWe know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:28\u201329)<\/p>\n
SIGNS OF CROSSED BOUNDARY LINES<\/p>\n
People who grow up with little or no boundaries are accustomed to having their legitimate personal rights violated and common societal norms ignored. Mistreatment is commonplace, and in their frustration or attempt at self-preservation, people develop a pattern of mistreating others as well, often without knowing what they are doing or why.
\nTheir experience becomes their reality, and they simply live what they learn\u2014they do to others what is done to them. In so doing, over time those with crossed boundary lines tend to exhibit the following signs:<\/p>\n
CONFRONTATION skills are virtually nonexistent or they are brutal and ineffective. Rather than dealing directly with each other, they triangulate, are emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, or they cross other communication boundaries.<\/p>\n
RESPONSIBILITY regarding personal actions is assigned to others. Denial, justification, blame games, guilt trips, and other forms of manipulation replace assuming responsibility for their own inappropriate actions. Many grown children remain financially dependent on parents well into adulthood and many times even after they are married.<\/p>\n
OPENNESS, honesty, and transparency are nonexistent. At the very least these skills that are critical for developing true intimacy in relationships are considered foolish and unnecessary or, at worst, threatening and terrifying.<\/p>\n
SECRECY is rampant, yet necessary for survival because trust is scarce and people are emotionally distant from one another as a means not only of self-defense but also self-preservation. This is especially true in cases where sexual boundaries have been violated or other forms of severe abuse have occurred.<\/p>\n
SYSTEMS for enforcing logical repercussions are also nonexistent as are systems of administering rewards for positive behaviors. Inconsistency reigns in every area and confusion and distrust are the result.<\/p>\n
ENVY is commonplace because no one feels genuinely valued for who they are and what they do. Insecurity is felt by all. Therefore, everyone constantly vies for attention, affirmation, acceptance, and a sense of approval. When one person\u2019s performance outshines another\u2019s, envy is the natural by-product.<\/p>\n
DEFENSIVE behaviors are well-established and reflect a need to deny feelings of being unloved, insignificant, and insecure. Adult daughters still want to be \u201cdaddy\u2019s little princess\u201d and grown sons want to be \u201cmommy\u2019s little prince\u201d rather than becoming emotionally invested and committed to their spouses.<\/p>\n
The process of facing the fact that personal boundaries have been repeatedly crossed and then working through the resulting pain of that awareness and making necessary changes takes courage, tenacity, and hope. This is especially true when other family members do not see the need for change or feel the need for healing.
\nThankfully, we have a God who is able and willing to not only meet our needs but to give us far more than we could ever ask or imagine.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord\u2019s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge\u2014that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 3:17\u201321)<\/p>\n
D. What Characteristics Accompany Codependency?<\/p>\n
Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding \u2026 their marriage is punctuated with violence, restraining orders, divorce filings, and enmeshment, which continues even after the marriage is over.
\nWho knows what motivates Jeff to conspire to injure his ex-wife\u2019s rival, but codependency seems to characterize his relationship with Tonya. The skater\u2019s former agent Michael Rosenberg says Jeff and Tonya are incompatible and others chime in that the couple fight frequently.
\nJames Golden, Tonya\u2019s stepfather, observes: \u201cIf she looked at someone, he would get mad. He\u2019d manipulate her real easy. He has such a possessive nature and is so jealous of her.\u201d In contrast, the Bible describes authentic love.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cLove is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 13:4)<\/p>\n
Having a \u201ccodependent relationship\u201d is being dependent on another person to the point of being addicted to, controlled, and manipulated by that person. It is the natural by-product of having little or no boundaries because it is driven by the lack of personal wholeness and sufficiency.
\nAfter all, if we can\u2019t depend on ourselves to meet our deep emotional needs, then it seems only logical to look to others to meet those needs\u2014to depend on others to fill our emotional emptiness and to give us a sense of significance and purpose in life.
\nTo be needed by someone is certainly ego-boosting and to meet that person\u2019s needs can be exhilarating \u2026 but to fail can be crushing, and to be rejected can be nothing less than catastrophic!
\nThe problem for codependents is not their dependency but rather the object of their desire. The fact is, we are all dependent creations, but our desire should be for our Creator \u2026 our only true Need-Meeter \u2026 and not another dependent creature. As the psalmist wrote \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.\u201d
\n(Psalm 73:23\u201326)<\/p>\n
Codependency Is \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Marked by an insecure, dependent person spending an inordinate amount of time and energy meeting other people\u2019s needs and desires while neglecting personal needs and desires
\n\u2022 Based on the belief that the subservient helper, the rescuer, the enabler has no inherent value or worth and can gain significance only by meeting the needs of other people
\n\u2022 Rooted in the premise that one person not only determines the worth of another person but also has the ability to control that person\u2019s thoughts, feelings, actions, and the processes surrounding them
\n\u2022 Identified as a relationship dominated by fear and control where power is exaggerated, misapplied, misdirected, and generally abused in an effort to get inner needs met
\n\u2022 Established by boundary violators who seek to use a series of tactical maneuvers to get their own way without regard for anyone else\u2019s feelings or desires
\n\u2022 Characterized by the skillful use of manipulation through deception and intimidation, goading guilt, heartrending stories, unsolicited and undesired advice, anger, and even threats<\/p>\n
The Bible gives this description of those who are held captive to codependent relationships.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 they loved human praise more than praise from God.\u201d
\n(John 12:43)<\/p>\n
E. What Repercussions Result from Resisting Boundaries?<\/p>\n
A big controversy in both Olympic and professional sports is the use of performance-enhancing drugs. Major stars have been caught using the drugs in order to gain an advantage over their opponents, an advantage that has been deemed unfair and illegal.
\nWhat especially exacerbates the issue is the number of famous athletes who have been found guilty by a court, or who have, on their own, confessed to using the drugs, or whose names have been brought up as potential abusers.
\nAs a result, many fans and analysts argue that key records, such as the home run record held by Barry Bonds in Major League Baseball, should be erased or at least marked with an asterisk. Other athletes, such as 2000 Olympic track star Marion Jones, have been completely disgraced after being found guilty of using these performance-enhancing drugs.
\nThe result for these athletes is terrible shame, public disgrace, and immense regret. But their demise highlights the most important boundary in sports: fairness.
\nIn order to declare a winner, everyone must play by the same set of rules \u2026 the same boundaries. Without them, the idea of picking a winner or setting a new record becomes meaningless. The integrity of sports, then, is found in its boundaries.
\nTherefore, when boundaries are broken and trespassed, the results are grave for the offenders, whose former glory is forgotten and whose careers serve only as an example of what not to do.
\nThe lesson: Play within the boundaries and there are rewards. Break the boundaries and there are repercussions\u2014you ultimately lose \u2026 even your so-called victories are truly losses in terms of compromised integrity. The truth of this lesson is clearly seen in the lives \u2026 and deaths \u2026 of Moses and his brother Aaron.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cOn that same day the LORD told Moses, \u2018Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Deuteronomy 32:48\u201352)<\/p>\n
\u201cThe punishment should fit the crime\u201d is a well-known and commonly supported statement by those who favor justice when it comes to repercussions for broken boundaries. The laws God established for the nation of Israel certainly reflect this sentiment and should therefore reflect our attitude when it comes to setting repercussions for those who resist the personal boundaries we establish for our relationships.<\/p>\n
Some examples of broken boundaries and \u201cfitting\u201d repercussions could include \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Money is misused.\u2026 The amount is reimbursed and further monetary funds are withheld until the responsible use of money is reestablished.
\n\u2022 Physical safety is threatened.\u2026 Time spent alone together stops until the boundary of self-control is learned through counseling and is well established for a period of at least 6 to 12 months.
\n\u2022 Lies are told.\u2026 Trust is withheld and verification of future information is required until the person shows over time that truthfulness has become a priority.
\n\u2022 Adultery is committed.\u2026 Marriage and individual counseling is utilized, contact with the unfaithful partner is stopped, sexual relations between the marriage partners are suspended until laboratory tests are run and medical treatment has begun for any existing sexually transmitted diseases and until faithfulness is reestablished and trust is rebuilt.
\n\u2022 Abusive language is used.\u2026 Interaction stops and time-outs are taken by both parties until civility in conversations is reestablished as a mutually agreed upon boundary.
\n\u2022 Inappropriate anger is expressed.\u2026 Causes for loss of control are explored and resolved in counseling, and anger management is learned and demonstrated over time.
\n\u2022 \u201cNo\u201d is ignored.\u2026 The topic in question is temporarily off limits for discussion, communication is restricted to other subjects, and time-outs are enforced if resistance to being told \u201cno\u201d persists.
\n\u2022 Time is disrespected.\u2026 Appointments are rescheduled after waiting for 15 minutes or a reasonable amount of time, separate modes of transportation are utilized if going somewhere together results in a late arrival, get-togethers are planned to piggyback off other scheduled events so that time won\u2019t be a factor.<\/p>\n
When setting repercussions, it is imperative to discuss them and make them clear and to keep in mind that the purpose of repercussions is not punishment but repentance and transformation.
\nResistance toward a particular boundary says there is a problem that needs to be resolved, a hurt that needs to be healed, or a behavioral pattern that needs to be changed \u2026 for the good of the relationship and for the sharpening of the persons in the relationship.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAs iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 27:17)<\/p>\n
SHIFT-THE-BLAME GAME<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cMy husband walked away from our family and has been unfaithful. Now he wants to come back. In spite of our hurt, the children and I still love him. When I asked him to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, he accused me of not being a forgiving and compassionate Christian. He says I\u2019m being punitive, but I think I\u2019m being practical. What is right?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Your husband is simply using the \u201cshift-the-blame\u201d game to avoid his responsibility to be tested. He is shifting the blame to you instead of taking responsibility for putting you in this precarious position. He needs to accept the proper repercussion for his promiscuity: testing for sexually transmitted diseases.<\/p>\n
This requirement is not to shame or humiliate a guilty spouse, but rather to protect the innocent spouse. It appears that he is still thinking of himself and not you; otherwise, he would be the one taking the initiative to do everything possible to keep you safe. Love takes precautions and protects; it doesn\u2019t risk harm to the object of its focus.<\/p>\n
Maintain your commitment to do what is best for your family and refuse to be manipulated. Enforce your boundary of keeping the marriage bed undefiled until he complies.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens \u2026 a time to embrace and a time to refrain \u2026\u201d (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5).<\/p>\n
FORGIVENESS VS. ENABLEMENT<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat does forgiveness and enablement have to do with boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Forgiveness is not enablement. If a man borrows money from you and later refuses to repay you, you should still forgive him. Release both him and the offense to God, for your sake if for no other, so that you do not become bitter. But you should not enter into another monetary relationship with him. That is where it becomes a boundary issue.<\/p>\n
Enabling means you allow others to continue in their bad behavior by either not establishing a boundary or by not enforcing consequences when they violate a boundary you have established.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Enablement puts you in a position of being offended again and again.
\n\u2022 Enabling never helps offenders change, but rather further ingrains their bad habits. However, one consequence for your offenders is that they will not have other opportunities to \u201cuse you\u201d or offend you again. That is a boundary.
\n\u2022 Enablers are classic people pleasers who do not say no when they should say no.
\n\u2022 Forgiveness puts you in a position of not becoming bitter or holding on to offenses from the past.
\n\u2022 Forgivers face the offenses and the wrongs done toward them but never make excuses for the offense or make it okay.
\n\u2022 Forgiveness discourages enablement by shining a spotlight on the wrongdoing and calling it what it is.<\/p>\n
If you say yes to irresponsible people when you should put up boundaries and say no, you are actually trying to please people instead of God. The apostle Paul counters that error in thinking by declaring \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWe are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 2:4)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES<\/p>\n
In the world of fencing, Boris develops a bad reputation.
\nIt\u2019s 1976 and the Olympic games are underway in Montreal, Canada. The pentathletes for the Soviet Union are gripping their swords, or \u00e9p\u00e9es, in anticipation of another competitive event. Following the equestrian events they\u2019re in fourth place and have some catching up to do, but they remain confident because of their then star athlete\u2014Boris Onishchenko\u2014a multiple medal winner from previous Olympics.
\nHe is 38 years old and is determined to earn at least one more medal, but Boris crosses boundaries that sideline him \u2026 for good.
\nScripture imparts the truth about sin.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 you may be sure that your sin will find you out.\u201d
\n(Numbers 32:23)<\/p>\n
A. What Experiences Help Us Learn Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Fencing, swimming, running, shooting, riding horses \u2026 Boris Onishchenko has learned all about boundaries from his experiences as an accomplished pentathlete.
\nAt the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City, he helps win a silver medal for his team and then four years later in Munich, he helps them land a gold, while he himself gains an individual silver. In 1971 Boris is dubbed world champion pentathlete before being overshadowed by a rival who secures the title the following three years.<\/p>\n
Boris has played by the rules and respected boundaries, but a fencing tournament reveals foolishness.<\/p>\n
The Bible wisely communicates \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 1:7)<\/p>\n
Boundaries are an indispensable aspect of life, such an intrinsic part of living that they often exist unnoticed. Physical boundaries say: \u201cMy property is mine\u201d or \u201cMy body is mine and your body is yours,\u201d while internal boundaries say: \u201cI am me and you are you.\u201d \u201cThis is my responsibility, and there is yours.\u201d
\nSince we learn boundaries through experience, their number increases over time as we pass through various developmental stages and encounter more and more learning situations. Since our lives are normally initially governed by our parents, they are the major molders and shapers of the boundaries we develop in childhood and then practice into adulthood \u2026 and throughout our entire lives. These boundaries can be strong and beneficial, or they can be poor, ineffective, and even harmful boundaries.
\nRegardless of boundaries learned from parents, we have a perfect Parent in our heavenly Father. He can \u201creframe\u201d our past experiences and \u201cretrain\u201d us through our present and future experiences. As we surrender to our Lord and allow His Spirit to guide us, we can learn to construct positive boundaries.\u2026 We have only to yield to His rightful place of authority in our lives and give ourselves wholly to Him as those who have been born into His family and possess His Spirit.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cGuide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.\u201d
\n(Psalm 25:5)<\/p>\n
\u2022 We learn boundaries from parents who model boundaries by the way they interact with us, with each other, and with those around them.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries as we learn more about God\u2014His character, His attributes, and His expectations of us \u2026 and especially His ways of dealing with those who choose to sin.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries in the relationships we have with family, friends, and others in our life; however, the most significant relationship is the personal relationship we develop with Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries as we are corrected, taught, and disciplined in love by the authority figures around us.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries as we begin to understand the connection between receiving rewards for doing right and experiencing repercussions for doing wrong.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries from making mistakes, from trying and failing, and from suffering natural consequences.
\n\u2022 We learn boundaries from listening and gaining wisdom from others, from observing the lives of others, and imitating what seems to work for them.<\/p>\n
The apostle Paul said \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cJoin together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do.\u201d
\n(Philippians 3:17)<\/p>\n
B. What Is the Process of Learning Boundaries as a Child?<\/p>\n
Boris Onishchenko learns boundaries as a child, developing athletic prowess that brings him great success in adulthood.
\nBut a premeditated plot to secure a victory \u2026 a deliberate crossing of boundaries \u2026 proves to be his downfall. The fencing portion of the pentathlon is set to begin, and the Russians are taking on the British. Boris brandishes his \u00e9p\u00e9e before his competitor, Adrian Parker, and the two stand en garde. Once engaged, an electronic scoreboard detects when their blades reach their desired target and registers a \u201chit.\u201d
\nBefore long Boris does indeed get a \u201chit,\u201d but it appears to spectators that he is a few inches short from contact. The British call for an inspection of the scoring equipment to look for a technical malfunction, but all is operating properly. Boris gets the win, and next competes with a man he\u2019s been fencing with for decades. This will turn out to be, however \u2026 their final showdown. Boris should have heeded the following Scripture.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDo your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.\u201d
\n(2 Timothy 2:15)<\/p>\n
God has determined that children are to learn boundaries within their family unit from loving parents who have personally established healthy boundaries. Sadly, not all parents are committed to God\u2019s plan.
\nIf parents never established personal boundaries, how can they teach their children the importance of boundaries? The development of children follows a predictable course based on the type of parenting they receive. This is why the Bible emphasizes the importance of wise parenting.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, my son, to your father\u2019s instruction and do not forsake your mother\u2019s teaching.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 1:8)<\/p>\n
\u2022 As a parent responds to an infant\u2019s cries, the baby begins to \u2026
\n\u2014 Learn that someone is available to meet needs
\n\u2014 Experience a sense of having value and worth
\n\u2014 Bond with available caretakers
\n\u2014 Find security in bonding relationships<\/p>\n
\u2022 As the sense of security increases, the child begins to \u2026
\n\u2014 Experiment minimally with the environment
\n\u2014 Separate minimally from parents for small increments of time
\n\u2014 Establish limited personal autonomy
\n\u2014 Experience the exhilaration of exploration
\n\u2014 As feelings of confidence and security grow, the child begins to \u2026
\n\u2014 Take more initiative to explore
\n\u2014 Move back and forth between the security of parental relationships and the challenge of separation
\n\u2014 Experience greater excitement and increased confidence
\n\u2014 Lay the foundation for formulating legitimate boundaries<\/p>\n
When the God-given needs for love, significance, and security are not appropriately and adequately met in childhood, self-confidence and healthy independence are not developed and a foundation for the development of a \u201ccodependent\u201d relationships is laid. When rejection rather than unconditional love is experienced, our \u201clove bucket\u201d (our internal capacity for love, significance, security, and acceptance) begins to leak and cannot be filled until those \u201choles\u201d\u2014or wounds\u2014are healed. Only the love of our perfect heavenly Parent can reach deep enough and be pure enough to bring about such healing in the hearts of these wounded individuals.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.\u2026 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.\u201d
\n(Psalm 34:18; 147:3)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Basic Fundamental Truths about Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Boris Onishchenko learns a basic fundamental truth about boundaries\u2014there can be severe repercussions when they\u2019re crossed.
\nJim Fox, a member of the British team, had been eyeing Boris during his engagement with Adrian Parker, and he, too, is suspicious of his supposed \u201chit.\u201d Boris and Jim begin to fence, and soon Boris lunges and scores a \u201chit,\u201d but Jim manages to avoid contact. Boris\u2019 \u00e9p\u00e9e before the scoreboard is \u201clike waving a magic wand,\u201d according to Jim, and he wants to have it examined.
\nUpon closer inspection \u2026 it appears the \u00e9p\u00e9e has been dismantled and put back together again with controversial components.\u2026 Scripture is not silent about such deception.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTheir malice may be concealed by deception, but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 26:26)<\/p>\n
When God gave the first couple, Adam and Eve, a boundary on what they could and could not eat, they were initially compliant because they knew the Boundary-Giver to be trustworthy. It was not until Satan created doubt about God\u2019s character and motive did each choose to disobey God.
\nHad their perspective not changed, their beliefs and behaviors would not have changed. Had they not considered the possibility of God\u2019s withholding good from them, they would have remained cooperative.
\nNow that sin thrives in this world, it has clouded the perspective of many with regard to boundaries. Like everything good God has put into place in His creation, boundaries have been maligned and misrepresented as being unloving and undesirable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries in relationships are just as necessary and beneficial as boundaries in the physical world.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cNow this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God\u2019s grace.\u201d
\n(2 Corinthians 1:12)<\/p>\n
The following reveal some misconceptions that people have regarding boundaries.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cCan I set limits and still be a loving person?\u201d<\/p>\n
According to God\u2019s Word, you absolutely can not truly love a person without setting limits.\u2026
\n\u2014 Love is doing what is best for someone, which requires establishing boundaries to identify and separate what is best and what is less than best.
\n\u2014 Love cannot exist without boundaries to define where one person ends and another person begins.
\n\u2014 Love is not being boundaryless and losing yourself in another person\u2019s existence, but rather it is entering into a cooperative sharing and experiencing one another\u2019s unique gifts, talents, perspectives, and understanding.
\n\u2014 Love requires saying yes to that which is beneficial and no to that which is harmful.
\n\u2014 Love is not two people morphing into one, but it is the joining together of two different and distinct personalities in spiritual unity, mirroring the love that Jesus declares for us.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAs the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father\u2019s commands and remain in his love.\u201d
\n(John 15:9\u201310)<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWhat are legitimate boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
Good boundaries foster right relationships and, at the same time, guard against wrong relationships. Boundaries keep us safe and intact while preventing us from being abused and fragmented.<\/p>\n
Legitimate boundaries \u2026
\n\u2014 Define our individual separateness and protect the treasure\u2014untapped potential, unique personality, natural abilities, and spiritual gifts\u2014that God has entrusted to us
\n\u2014 Enhance and encourage the development of Christlike character within us through mutually respectful relationships
\n\u2014 Prevent us from establishing bad boundaries that arbitrarily shut out meaningful interaction with others
\n\u2014 Build walls containing doors, allowing us to have safe interactions with others<\/p>\n
Proverbs, the biblical book on wisdom, says \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe highway of the upright avoids evil; those who guard their ways preserve their lives\u201d (Proverbs 16:17).<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWhat if someone is hurt or upset by my boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
By their very nature, boundaries can offend others because boundaries set limits. However, there is a big difference between offending and harming.<\/p>\n
Boundaries put a limit on another\u2019s ability to hurt and harm us. Boundaries do not cause hurt and harm \u2026 unless, of course, they are created with the intent to use and abuse others.
\n\u2014 Having boundaries will be frustrating to those who would manipulate you by making untrue statements like, \u201cYou made me feel.\u2026\u201d The truth is that people have a choice in their feelings and the beliefs on which those feelings are based.
\n\u2014 Having no boundaries makes you a puppet on someone else\u2019s string and robs you of the freedom to choose how you will live your life apart from being controlled by others.
\n\u2014 Having boundaries does not mean you are to be insensitive or oblivious to the legitimate feelings of others, but you are to base your decisions on God\u2019s principles rather than on emotions \u2026 your own or someone else\u2019s.
\n\u2014 Having boundaries means that you realize you are responsible and accountable to God for your own choices, as is everyone else.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing in all creation is hidden from God\u2019s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account\u201d (Hebrews 4:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cHow do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?\u201d<\/p>\n
Relationships must be chosen wisely. Not all people will share your purpose for life or your perspective on life. Not all people will be God-sent or God-blessed.<\/p>\n
Not all people will strengthen your hand in the Lord or encourage you in developing Christlike character.<\/p>\n
Therefore, in making decisions as to those with whom you will share yourself and your resources \u2026
\n\u2014 Establish biblical limits on how your time, love, energy, and finances will be expended, realizing God\u2019s priorities for you and your resources.
\n\u2014 Establish legitimate means of identifying another\u2019s true need, discerning whether it is God\u2019s will for you to meet that need and ascertaining how you will meet the need.
\n\u2014 Establish guidelines to avoid \u201cgiving in\u201d to people who want you to do something for them when it is clear that it is something God intends they do for themselves.
\n\u2014 Establish the fact that denying someone\u2019s request may produce initial resentment, but if there is mutual respect and trust between you, the other person will realize the validity and necessity of your boundary.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cCarry each other\u2019s [overwhelming] burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.\u2026 for each one should carry their own [legitimate] load\u201d (Galatians 6:2, 5).<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWhy do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
Guilt and fear come from the misconception that godly servants never say no. The truth is, the perfect Servant did not do what everyone asked of Him \u2026 nor was He always available to everyone.<\/p>\n
He said no to everyone and everything His Father said no to, and He said yes to everyone and everything His Father said yes to. He wasn\u2019t depending on others to meet His needs for love, significance, or security but was dependent on His Father.<\/p>\n
His Father determined Jesus\u2019 purpose, not other people. And when you take that position and have that perspective, you will stop feeling guilty or afraid and will start feeling free and empowered.<\/p>\n
As you seek to line up your perspective with God\u2019s perspective, realize \u2026
\n\u2014 God is love, and He lovingly established clear and concise boundaries for His creation, making it a mistake to perceive boundaries as violating any principle of love or causing guilt or fear when they are respected and kept.
\n\u2014 God\u2019s Word is clear that perfect love casts out fear; therefore, boundaries based on love do not produce fear or guilt.
\n\u2014 God never imposes on you a spirit of fear or timidity but of power, love, and self-discipline (boundaries).
\n\u2014 God made the human race in such a way that guilt and fear prevent intimacy, while boundaries protect confidences, love, and sound thinking.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.\u2026 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid [fearful], but gives us power, love and self-discipline\u201d (1 John 4:18; 2 Timothy 1:7).<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cHow do boundaries relate to submission?\u201d<\/p>\n
Boundaries almost entirely rely on submission to be effective. Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His Father \u2026 to the boundaries laid out for His words and deeds.<\/p>\n
You are to follow Christ\u2019s example and submit to His will for your life \u2026 to the boundaries He has laid out for your life and the purpose for which you were created.<\/p>\n
In seeking to set godly boundaries and practice biblical submission, remember \u2026
\n\u2014 Biblical submission is not expressed in breaking godly boundaries but in deferring to them.
\n\u2014 Biblical submission is the voluntary compliance given to another for that person\u2019s good and for the good of the relationship.
\n\u2014 Biblical submission glorifies God, not a person, and results in humility, not power or pride, in the heart of the one to whom you submit.
\n\u2014 Biblical boundaries begin in a relationship of mutual submission, with each attempting to do the most encouraging action possible for the benefit of the other.<\/p>\n
\u201cSubmit to one another out of reverence for Christ\u201d (Ephesians 5:21).<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cAren\u2019t boundaries selfish?\u201d<\/p>\n
Godly boundaries are based on love and are never self-seeking. They are based on what is in the best interest of everyone concerned.<\/p>\n
God has deemed it to be in the best interest of everyone to have boundaries that protect His children and ensure that His purposes are accomplished. In fact \u2026
\n\u2014 Godly boundaries are an expression of selflessness, often requiring personal sacrifice and hard work to both establish and maintain.
\n\u2014 Godly boundaries are often risky, evoking negative reactions from those who resent having limits set on their behavior or who do not want to take responsibility for their inappropriate behavior.
\n\u2014 Godly boundaries are required for relationships to be both beneficial and biblical.
\n\u2014 Godly boundaries are set as an act of love, not as an attempt to control or manipulate someone for personal gain.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that \u2018every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.\u2019 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector\u201d (Matthew 18:15\u201317).<\/p>\n
D. What Is the Root Cause of Bad Boundaries?<\/p>\n
Inside the handle of Boris Onishchenko\u2019s \u00e9p\u00e9e is a layer of leather that conceals a complex wiring system.
\nWhen a pressure pad is pressed, it automatically triggers the scoreboard sensors that a \u201chit\u201d has been made. The root cause of bad boundaries for Boris is the desire to win at all costs, to expand his Olympic medal collection even if it means meddling with his \u00e9p\u00e9e.
\nThe British fencing team manager, Mike Proudfoot, says Boris\u2019 method for cheating is \u201ca real engineering job. Not just a ham amateur\u2019s effort. They had to dismantle the weapon to discover it.\u201d Not only is Boris disqualified from further Olympic competition, the entire Soviet pentathlon team is forced to withdraw. Jim Fox respects boundaries by playing by the rules and helps lead his teammates to Olympic Gold!
\nScripture strongly conveys \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the righteous receive their due on earth, how much more the ungodly and the sinner!\u201d
\n(Proverbs 11:31)<\/p>\n
God is love, and He made us for loving relationships. His love is the basis for our boundaries and the glue that holds our relationships together. His plan includes time for infants to receive this love as they bond with their parents to form attachments that lay the foundation for future boundaries.
\nWhen you love others, bond with them, express your own boundaries, and help them to achieve healthy boundaries, you exhibit God\u2019s love in action. Relationships are vitally important for people to survive and thrive.
\nThe Bible abounds with Scriptures about love because God is love.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.\u2026 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.\u201d
\n(1 John 4:16, 7\u20138)<\/p>\n
3 GOD-GIVEN INNER NEEDS<\/p>\n
In reality, we have all been created with three God-given inner needs: the needs for love, significance, and security.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Love\u2014to know that someone is unconditionally committed to our best interest
\n\u201cMy command is this: Love each other as I have loved you\u201d (John 15:12).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Significance\u2014to know that our lives have meaning and purpose
\n\u201cI cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me\u201d (Psalm 57:2 ESV).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Security\u2014to feel accepted and a sense of belonging
\n\u201cWhoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge\u201d (Proverbs 14:26).<\/p>\n
THE ULTIMATE NEED-MEETER<\/p>\n
Why did God give us these deep inner needs, knowing that people and self-effort fail us?
\nGod gave us these inner needs so that we would come to know Him as our Need-Meeter. Our needs are designed by God to draw us into a deeper dependence on Christ. God did not create any person or position or any amount of power or possessions to meet the deepest needs in our lives.
\nIf a person or thing could meet all our needs, we wouldn\u2019t need God! The Lord will use circumstances and bring positive people into our lives as an extension of His care and compassion, but ultimately only God can satisfy all the needs of our hearts. The Bible says \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 58:11)<\/p>\n
The apostle Paul revealed this truth by first asking, \u201cWhat a wretched man I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?\u201d He then answers his own question by saying he is saved by \u201c\u2026 Jesus Christ our Lord!\u201d (Romans 7:24\u201325).<\/p>\n
All along, the Lord planned to meet our deepest needs for \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Love
\n\u201cI [the Lord] have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness\u201d (Jeremiah 31:3).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Significance
\n\u201c \u2018For I know the plans I have for you,\u2019 declares the LORD, \u2018plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future\u2019 \u201d (Jeremiah 29:11).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Security
\n\u201cThe LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged\u201d (Deuteronomy 31:8).<\/p>\n
The truth is that our God-given needs for love, significance, and security \u2026 can be legitimately met \u2026 in Christ Jesus! Philippians 4:19 makes it plain.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cMy God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n
Since actions are based on beliefs, boundaries reflect what we believe. If our beliefs are wrong, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will be wrong, and our boundaries will also be wrong. In other words, bad boundaries result from bad thoughts that come from bad beliefs. It is always wise to give thought to the basis for your boundaries because what you think in your heart reveals what sort of person you are.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor as he thinks in his heart, so is he.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 23:7 NKJV)<\/p>\n
\u2022 WRONG BELIEF:
\n\u201cIf I set boundaries I will push people away and I will never get the approval and acceptance I need in order to feel good about myself, nor will I receive the love, significance, and security I need.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF:
\n\u201cThis is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins\u201d (1 John 4:10).<\/p>\n
E. What Is God\u2019s Ultimate Plan and Purpose for Boundaries?<\/p>\n
God is all about relationships, and we are created in His image. Our hearts seek to be bonded, and the one eternal bond is with God, established through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That is the ultimate yearning of our soul\u2014to be with God.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:38\u201339)<\/p>\n
PLAN OF SALVATION<\/p>\n
4 POINTS OF GOD\u2019S PLAN<\/p>\n
#1 God\u2019s Purpose for You \u2026 is Salvation.
\n\u2014 What was God\u2019s motivation in sending Jesus Christ to earth?
\nTo express His love for you by saving you! The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cGod so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him\u201d (John 3:16\u201317).<\/p>\n
\u2014 What was Jesus\u2019 purpose in coming to earth?
\nTo forgive your sins, to empower you to have victory over sin, and to enable you to live a fulfilled life! Jesus said \u2026
\n\u201cI have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly\u201d
\n(John 10:10 NKJV).<\/p>\n
#2 Your Problem \u2026 is Sin.
\n\u2014 What exactly is sin?
\nSin is living independently of God\u2019s standard\u2014knowing what is right, but choosing what is wrong. The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cIf anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn\u2019t do it, it is sin for them\u201d (James 4:17).<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the major consequence of sin?
\nSpiritual death, eternal separation from God. Scripture states \u2026
\n\u201cYour iniquities [sins] have separated you from your God.\u2026 The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord\u201d (Isaiah 59:2; Romans 6:23).<\/p>\n
#3 God\u2019s Provision for You \u2026 is the Savior.
\n\u2014 Can anything remove the penalty for sin?
\nYes! Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins. The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cGod demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us\u201d (Romans 5:8).<\/p>\n
\u2014 What is the solution to being separated from God?
\nBelief in (entrusting your life to) Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father. Jesus says \u2026
\n\u201cI am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.\u2026 Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved \u2026\u201d (John 14:6; Acts 16:31).<\/p>\n
#4 Your Part \u2026 is Surrender.
\n\u2014 Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.\u2026
\n\u201cJesus said to his disciples, \u2018Whoever wants to be my disciple, must deny themselves and take up their cross [die to your own self-rule] and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 16:24\u201326).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your \u201cgood works\u201d as a means of earning God\u2019s approval.\u2026
\n\u201cIt is by grace you have been saved, through faith\u2014and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God\u2014not by works, so that no one can boast\u201d (Ephesians 2:8\u20139).<\/p>\n
The moment you choose to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior\u2014entrusting your life to Him\u2014He comes to live inside you. Then He gives you His power to live the fulfilled life God has planned for you. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person God created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:<\/p>\n
PRAYER OF SALVATION
\n\u201cGod, I want a real relationship with You.
\nI admit that many times I\u2019ve chosen to go my own way instead of Your way.
\nPlease forgive me for my sins.
\nJesus, thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins.
\nCome into my life to be my Lord and my Savior.
\nChange me from the inside out and make me the person You created me to be.
\nIn Your holy name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
WHAT CAN YOU NOW EXPECT?<\/p>\n
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, look at what God says about you!<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.\u201d
\n(John 8:36)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
Rosie Ruiz is an administrative assistant for a metal company and a marathon runner.
\nIn the world of racing, she is a \u201cno-name,\u201d unnoticed by women who are rivals and is never the subject of media attention. In 1980 she enters her second competition, the prestigious Boston Marathon, and finds herself in a field of about 450 female participants.
\nThe person in the spotlight at the marathon is the esteemed Bill Rodgers, who is expected once again to be the first to lunge through the tape at the finish line and to chalk up three consecutive titles. But when it comes to the female runners \u2026 there will be a surprise finish.
\nGod knows the outcome, as well as the motives of the heart.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.\u201d
\n(Jeremiah 17:10)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verse to Memorize<\/p>\n
To compete with 5,364 runners in the Boston Marathon you can\u2019t be timid, and self-discipline is a key component to hopefully making it across the finish line,
\nFor Rosie Ruiz, a Cuban-American, participating in the race appears to be like a dream come true, an unparalleled opportunity to be associated with sports history. The 26-year-old even looks the part too. Rosie has a long, lanky figure with short hair, indicating she seemingly is ready to run with the best of them.
\nWhen the big day arrives, Rosie sports a T-shirt bearing the race identification W50, and it will be an image few runners that year will forget.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.\u201d
\n(2 Timothy 1:7)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read<\/p>\n
Yes, there is a time for everything, and at the 1980 Boston Marathon it\u2019s a time to be victorious for Bill Rodgers \u2026 and Rosie Ruiz!
\nRosie trots across the finish line in just over two and a half hours, giving her 1st place overall in the women\u2019s division and the third fastest time among female marathon runners ever in any marathon. Her life is forever changed as the accolades start pouring in.
\nMassachusetts Governor Edward J. King crowns Rosie the women\u2019s champion, and before long she is wearing the coveted laurel wreath associated with the race. She also is given a medal and a silver bowl, and obviously enjoys being photographed with Bill Rodgers.
\nBoundaries are not only essential for fair competition in athletics, but they are also a basic requirement in every area of life. This principle is clearly expressed in the Ten Commandments. When God established a covenant with His chosen people, Israel, He clearly defined boundaries for their relationship.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd God spoke all these words: \u2018I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.<\/p>\n
You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.<\/p>\n
You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.<\/p>\n
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.<\/p>\n
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.<\/p>\n
You shall not murder.<\/p>\n
You shall not commit adultery.<\/p>\n
You shall not steal.<\/p>\n
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.<\/p>\n
You shall not covet your neighbor\u2019s house. You shall not covet your neighbor\u2019s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Exodus 20:1\u201317)<\/p>\n
C. How to Have a Transformed Life<\/p>\n
But only hours after the race is over \u2026 there are rumblings \u2026 of a ruse.
\nIs Rosie Ruiz really the female victor of the 1980 Boston Marathon? A couple of men spot her running through a crowd of spectators while the race is still going on, and in the most bizarre twist of the apparently brazen plot, Rosie is spotted riding the subway during the race! One woman recounts that Rosie isn\u2019t even sweating.
\nAs it turns out, after exiting the race Rosie does indeed board a subway and gets off about a mile from the finish line to sprint her way to \u201cvictory.\u201d Bill Rodgers is asked how he feels now looking back at the post-race celebration that turned out to be a shameful sham. \u201cWow, it was weird,\u201d he recalls, shaking his head. \u201cIt was really weird.\u201d
\nIt\u2019s as if she believes her own con, according to Bill. And then she tells him several days after the race: \u201cI want to bring out the truth.\u201d All the while, Bill says, she looks as sincere as a nun.
\nRosie Ruiz desperately needs \u2026 a transformed life.
\nScripture is clear about the root of Rosie\u2019s troubles.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cDeceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 12:20)<\/p>\n
REACHING THE TARGET: TRANSFORMATION!<\/p>\n
Target #1\u2014A New Purpose: God\u2019s purpose for me is to be conformed to the character of Christ.
\n\u201cThose God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son \u2026\u201d (Romans 8:29).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to be conformed to the character of Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
Target #2\u2014A New Priority: God\u2019s priority for me is to change my thinking.
\n\u201cDo not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind\u201d (Romans 12:2).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to line up my thinking with God\u2019s thinking.<\/p>\n
Target #3\u2014A New Plan: God\u2019s plan for me is to rely on Christ\u2019s strength, not my strength, to be all He created me to be.
\n\u201cI can do all things through him who strengthens me\u201d (Philippians 4:13 ESV).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to fulfill His plan in His strength.\u201d<\/p>\n
MY PERSONALIZED PLAN TO BE A BOUNDARY BUILDER<\/p>\n
Use the following acrostic of the word BOUNDARIES as a tool to help you become an effective boundary builder.<\/p>\n
I will \u2026<\/p>\n
BEGIN to build healthy boundaries
\n\u2014 God loves me and wants me to have healthy boundaries.
\n\u2014 It\u2019s not too late to begin learning how to set new boundaries.
\n\u2014 Change will be difficult, but I know the Lord will be my strength.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe highway of the upright avoids evil; those who guard their ways preserve their lives\u201d (Proverbs 16:17).<\/p>\n
OVERCOME the fear of others\u2019 disapproval of my boundaries
\n\u2014 Personalize and memorize:
\n\u201cAm I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ\u201d (Galatians 1:10).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Personalize and memorize:
\n\u201cWe speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts\u201d (1 Thessalonians 2:4).<\/p>\n
\u2014 Personalize and memorize:
\n\u201cThe LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged\u201d (Deuteronomy 31:8).<\/p>\n
UNDERSTAND that boundaries are biblical
\n\u2014 God established boundaries from the very beginning.
\n\u2014 God has personal boundaries.
\n\u2014 God expects me to live my life according to the boundaries He has laid out for me in Scripture.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am the LORD your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy\u201d (Leviticus 11:44).<\/p>\n
NOTIFY others of my boundaries (family, friends, coworkers)
\n\u2014 Recognize my resources and responsibilities.
\n\u2014 Communicate clearly what my convictions are.
\n\u2014 Share sensitively the reasons I am establishing healthier boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpeaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the Head, that is, Christ\u201d (Ephesians 4:15).<\/p>\n
DEVELOP relationships with people who have healthy boundaries
\n\u2014 Seek out people to be around who have healthy boundaries.
\n\u2014 Ask God to bring mature people into my life to befriend me and help me.
\n\u2014 Become more aware of boundary violations and address them\u2014a sign of being healthier!<\/p>\n
\u201cWalk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm\u201d (Proverbs 13:20).<\/p>\n
ADMIT my limitations and keep on trying
\n\u2014 Identify people I need to forgive who have violated my boundaries.
\n\u2014 Ask forgiveness of those I have offended by trampling over their boundaries.
\n\u2014 Commit to keep starting over again when I fail.<\/p>\n
\u201cBear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you\u201d (Colossians 3:13).<\/p>\n
REALIZE that boundaries were formed from infancy and that it will take time to learn how to set and maintain new ones
\n\u2014 The bonding process in infancy is the most powerful influence on boundary building, but it doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t build healthy boundaries as an adult.
\n\u2014 Identify and evaluate the boundaries I formed in childhood and determine which ones may be counterproductive in my life now.
\n\u2014 Make a plan to replace the harmful, unhealthy boundaries I formed in childhood with new, beneficial ones.<\/p>\n
\u201cForget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland\u201d (Isaiah 43:18\u201319).<\/p>\n
IDENTIFY healthy boundaries for myself and commit to maintaining them
\n\u2014 Communicate my boundaries.
\n\u2014 State what I will do if people cross my boundaries.
\n\u2014 Follow through when my boundaries are crossed.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy words come from an upright heart; my lips sincerely speak what I know\u201d (Job 33:3).<\/p>\n
ENCOURAGE my family members to establish boundaries
\n\u2014 Share my decision to establish healthy, beneficial boundaries
\n\u2014 Express my gratitude for their differing but meaningful roles in my life
\n\u2014 Invite them to join with me as I seek to please God and be the person He created me to be<\/p>\n
\u201cFor everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope. May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.\u2026 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up \u2026\u201d (Romans 15:4\u20135; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).<\/p>\n
SEE my identity in Christ
\n\u2014 God chose me.
\n\u2014 God adopted me.
\n\u2014 God redeemed me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe chose us in him before the creation of the world.\u2026 In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.\u2026 In him [Christ] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God\u2019s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding\u201d (Ephesians 1:4\u20138).<\/p>\n
POTENTIAL ANGRY REACTIONS FROM OTHERS<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cHow should I handle potential angry reactions from others when I attempt to set boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: There are typically two different methods that people utilize in an effort to get others to do what they want them to do or not do what they don\u2019t want them to do. While there is nothing fun about them, they are referred to as \u201cgames.\u201d \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Guilt Game
\n\u2014 As you start to establish healthy boundaries, others may try and make you feel guilty. That is false guilt.
\n\u2014 You may be accused of not loving others because of putting up boundaries. That is false guilt.
\n\u2014 If you begin to feel that others may not love you or if you begin to question whether you really do love them because of your boundary building, pray this Scripture.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I am afraid, I put my trust in you.\u2026 in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?\u201d (Psalm 56:3\u20134).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Blame Game
\n\u2014 As you begin to establish boundaries and to take charge of your life, others may become angry with you for having to adjust to the \u201cnew\u201d you. This is a ploy to get you to go back to your old ways of being manipulated and controlled through guilt.
\n\u2014 Having healthy boundaries means not manipulating others and not being manipulated by others. To be the slave of another\u2019s emotional game playing is a sign of having no boundaries.
\n\u2014 Be faithful to remember: A properly focused conscience that knows the will of God will do what is right.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God\u2019s will is\u2014his good, pleasing and perfect will\u201d (Romans 12:2).<\/p>\n
STARTING GOOD BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cHow do I begin the process of setting good boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: The best way to start the boundary-setting process is by consulting with the Creator and reading His Word for living a life that is both pleasing to Him and fulfilling for you. Before you build a city, you lay a solid and steadfast foundation, and that foundation is the Word of God.<\/p>\n
Another important step is consulting with several people you know who have firmly established, biblical boundaries. Glean some sound advice from them as to where you should start. Be sure to \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Step 1:
\nPray for the Lord to reveal to you your need and how to move forward.
\n\u2022 Step 2:
\nPinpoint where your boundaries are weak.
\n\u2022 Step 3:
\nPartner with someone who will hold you accountable.
\n\u2022 Step 4:
\nPrepare to see changes in your relationships with others.
\n\u2022 Step 5:
\nPermit yourself small rewards along the way. Boundary building is hard work!
\n\u2022 Step 6:
\nProvide a support system of friends and family for when you go into potential \u201cdanger zones\u201d that can trigger old responses.
\n\u2022 Step 7:
\nPrioritize the people or areas that you want to set boundaries for\u2014don\u2019t try to tackle all of them at one time.<\/p>\n
As you commit your plans and efforts to God and as you begin the process of working with your accountability partner, remember \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.\u201d
\n(Ecclesiastes 4:9)<\/p>\n
D. How to Build Healthy Boundaries<\/p>\n
Bill Rodgers models healthy boundaries and goes on to become a four-time winner of the Boston Marathon.
\nBut for Rosie Ruiz, the 1980 Boston Marathon isn\u2019t her first \u201cruse on the run.\u201d In her very first race, the 1979 New York City Marathon, it is later discovered that Rosie starts the race, pulls a fast exit after about 10 miles, rides a subway, and jaunts her way to the finish line in Central Park. She finishes in 24th place with a time of two hours, 56 minutes, and 29 seconds.
\nWhat is the motivation for such unhealthy boundaries? Some say it is as simple as wanting to promote herself while itimidating and impressing coworkers.<\/p>\n
\u201cA heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.\u201d
\n(John 8:44)<\/p>\n
Athletes work hard to develop strong muscles so that they can compete and win. Strong muscles require an exercise plan, a great coach or trainer, and regular, challenging exercise. No athlete can build strong muscles if someone else lifts the weights, works the practice sessions, and takes direction from the trainer.
\nYou also must have a plan, a counselor or mentor, pastor or friend who will walk alongside you as you rely on God to help you gain control of your life. And you must continually face the challenges required to maintain healthy boundaries.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThose who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 40:31)<\/p>\n
6 SURE STEPS FOR SUCCESS<\/p>\n
#1 Admit that you have a problem: Athletes can\u2019t improve their performance without first identifying the problems they\u2019re having.
\nAcknowledge that you\u2019re the one with the problem of lacking boundaries.
\n\u201cSearch me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting\u201d (Psalm 139:23\u201324).<\/p>\n
#2 Be aware that you may not want to do the hard work of change: Some athletes say they hate certain aspects of working out, but they do it anyway because they know that if they don\u2019t, they won\u2019t win.
\nAdmit that you\u2019ve often been your own worst enemy.
\n\u201cYet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place\u201d (Psalm 51:6).<\/p>\n
#3 Care about yourself: Athletes concentrate on their own challenges and leave the challenges of others to trainers and coaches.
\nAgree to let God change you. Determine to leave others in His care.
\n\u201cTherefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming\u201d (1 Peter 1:13).<\/p>\n
#4 Don\u2019t try to go the distance the first time: Marathon runners don\u2019t start out running 26 miles. They build up to it\u20141 mile a day, 2 miles a day, and so on.
\nAllow yourself to make small changes before you take on bigger challenges.
\n\u201cConsider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything\u201d (James 1:2\u20134).<\/p>\n
#5 Enforce the boundaries you set: If an athlete doesn\u2019t force himself to push through challenges, he won\u2019t succeed.
\nAccept the challenge to enforce boundaries.<\/p>\n
#6 Continue to move forward: Athletes have to accept that one day they will not be able to perform at peak levels, even if they haven\u2019t achieved their dreams. Everyone has to let go and move forward with life or stay stuck.
\nAt last, move forward, grieving your losses as you seek to fulfill your God-given purpose.
\n\u201cBlessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him\u201d (James 1:12).<\/p>\n
TEACH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cAs a parent, how can I help my children develop healthy boundaries?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Just as children must learn to respect authority, children must also be taught how to build and maintain healthy boundaries. Consider the following foundational elements necessary to develop healthy, appropriate boundaries with children.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow your children to say \u201cNo\u201d and to hear \u201cNo\u201d without fear of rejection or loss of love.
\n\u2014 If their \u201cNo\u201d is justified, compliment them.
\n\u2014 If their \u201cNo\u201d is unjustified, stay caring and calm and reason with them.
\n\u2014 If they rebel against your reasoning, realize that they are still hearing the truth spoken in love. In time, the seeds of truth can take root and bear fruit. Jesus said \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou will know the truth, and the truth will set you free\u201d (John 8:32).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Bonding time with your child as an infant is the most important, but bonding time at any age will only strengthen your relationship. It is from this foundation of bonding that your child develops the ability to develop healthy boundaries.
\n\u201cGod is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them\u201d (1 John 4:16).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Consequences are the logical and natural results of our actions. Your child needs to receive repercussions related to bad behavior. For example, if your child hurts someone, the repercussion would be to do something kind for that person. If your child says hateful words, a logical repercussion to retrain that behavior would be for you and your child to go to the person and ask for forgiveness, and then to sweetly speak complimentary, encouraging words to that person.
\n\u201cYou have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor\u2019s hands: Go\u2014to the point of exhaustion\u2014and give your neighbor no rest! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler\u201d (Proverbs 6:2\u20135).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Discipline grounded in love is basic training for boundary development. Discipline is teaching boundaries, rewards, and repercussions, as well as being proactive in instruction and training in righteousness.
\n\u201cAll discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness\u201d (Hebrews 12:11 NASB).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encouragement equips, energizes, and empowers our children to feel loved. At the foundation of boundary setting is bonding, which is love. Unconditional love encourages our children to form healthy boundaries.
\n\u201cTherefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhy do parents need to set boundaries in the first place?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Just as God set boundaries for Adam and Eve when He first created them, you need to set boundaries for your children. In truth \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries demonstrate your loving care. As a parent, you should not feel guilty when setting and maintaining boundaries. You are loving well when you hold the line on limits.
\n\u201cWhoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them\u201d (Proverbs 13:24).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries earn respect. Do not be afraid of losing your child\u2019s love by establishing boundaries. In following God\u2019s loving example, respect for your authority is a natural result of protective boundaries.
\n\u201cMoreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!\u201d (Hebrews 12:9).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries are beneficial, not punitive. Don\u2019t look at boundaries as punishment. Good boundaries provide structure and security.
\n\u201cMay there be peace within your walls and security within your citadels\u201d (Psalm 122:7).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries are honored out of respect and trust, not followed or coerced by force. Do not try to manipulate your child through fear or guilt. Instead, rely on established rewards and repercussions to motivate your child to act responsibly.
\n\u201cWe acknowledge our wickedness, LORD, and the guilt of our ancestors; we have indeed sinned against you\u201d (Jeremiah 14:20).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries are not detrimental, degrading, or demeaning. Upholding your boundaries is a discipline, and learning to develop and maintain boundaries is a positive skill for your child to learn.
\n\u201cWhoever scorns instruction will pay for it, but whoever respects a command is rewarded\u201d (Proverbs 13:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries protect your child much like a filter, keeping out harmful influences while allowing positive benefits.
\n\u201cThose who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you\u201d (Psalm 9:10).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Boundaries may eventually need to be altered or adapted according to your child\u2019s continued growth. As your child matures and your level of trust deepens, you may choose to expand boundaries accordingly. Remember to clearly convey changes of boundaries, rewards, and repercussions.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor this command is a lamp, this teaching is a light, and correction and instruction are the way to life.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 6:23)<\/p>\n
E. How to Practice the Do\u2019s of Parental Boundaries<\/p>\n
What \u201cdo\u2019s\u201d of parental boundaries may not have been practiced in the raising of Rosie Ruiz?
\nShe goes on to break even more boundaries, only this time her offenses occur off the race course. In 1982 she is arrested on charges of forgery and larceny, and then 18 months later she turns herself in following an arrest warrant accusing her of conspiring to sell 4.4 pounds of cocaine to undercover agents. This time Rosie doesn\u2019t act alone\u2014she has two female coconspirators also facing drug charges.
\nInfamy \u2026 makes the name Rosie Ruiz more memorable than rightful marathon champions.
\nThe Bible, however, reveals the importance of a good reputation.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cA good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 22:1)<\/p>\n
While boundaries are good and necessary for instilling self-discipline and self-control, most children and teenagers do not necessarily look on them from a positive perspective. Rather, they view them as constraining their freedom and spoiling their fun. It is not until they experience some of the true benefits of boundaries that they begin to embrace them and eventually internalize them as their own rules or code for living.
\nIn the meantime, it is important to take into account that most young people have a keen sense of fairness and are quick to demand justice when they perceive an unfair boundary has been set or an unjust repercussion has been imposed \u2026 especially against them. Parents and other authority figures who are known for their fair-mindedness and impartiality will quickly gain the respect of the youth in their charge and will likely find them loyal and receptive to reasonable boundaries.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a king judges the poor with fairness, his throne will be established forever.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 29:14)<\/p>\n
THE DO\u2019S OF PRACTICING PARENTAL BOUNDARIES<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, keep your father\u2019s command and do not forsake your mother\u2019s teaching.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 6:20)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Mold the will without breaking the spirit of your child.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A child\u2019s will is molded by applying appropriate boundaries when the child seeks to go in a direction contrary to what the parents perceive to be God\u2019s will.
\n\u2022 A child\u2019s spirit is uplifted by being valued as a unique creation of God and by being treated with courtesy, kindness, fairness, and respect.
\n\u2022 A child\u2019s spirit can be broken through overreacting or having too many rules, criticizing or teasing, false accusations or inflexibility, impatience or harsh punishment.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nA wild stallion has some intrinsic value; however, the most valuable horse turns with the slightest nudge from the rider\u2019s reins. The goal of the master is to break the will of the horse, but not the spirit. The goal of a parent should be to mold the will of the child without breaking the spirit.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:21)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Communicate your expectations clearly.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make eye contact with your child when communicating.
\n\u2022 Prior to any problems, describe in detail what you expect of your child regarding structure and limits.
\n\u2022 Enter into an agreement with your older child or teen and ask for a statement verifying an accurate understanding of your expectations.
\n\u2022 When it is time for your child to honor the boundary you have established, give one gentle reminder.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nDon\u2019t say:
\n\u201cDon\u2019t you think it is time for you to do your homework now?\u201d
\nDo say:
\n\u201cRemember, you agreed to start doing your homework at 7:00. It\u2019s 7:20, so what do you need to be doing now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 we instructed you how to live in order to please God.\u2026\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 4:1)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Establish negative repercussions for misbehavior.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Clearly communicate the repercussion.
\n\u2022 Prior to a problem, ensure your child understands and accepts that the repercussion will be enforced.
\n\u2022 Allow your child to experience the repercussion for rejecting or violating a boundary.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nTom, age 13, rides his bicycle with his friends on weekends but has agreed to never ride after dark. If Tom disobeys, he will not go with his friends the next time they go riding together on the weekend.<\/p>\n
If he breaks his agreement a second time, the repercussion will be doubled and he won\u2019t go riding with his friends for two weekends.<\/p>\n
\u201cDiscipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 19:18)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Encourage and develop responsibility.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow your child to make age-appropriate choices and decisions.
\n\u2022 Permit your child to experience the repercussions of wrong choices and the rewards of right choices.
\n\u2022 Give increased freedom when your child is responsible.
\n\u2022 Restrict freedom when your child is irresponsible.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nSeventeen-year-old Karl is told, \u201cYou may take the car to the ball game and to the pizza parlor afterward, but do not go anywhere else and be home by 11:30.\u201d If Karl disobeys, ask, \u201cWhere did you agree to go in the car and when did you agree to come home?\u201d \u2026 \u201cWhy did we make this agreement?\u201d \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, the agreement was made for your safety and my peace of mind. So, per our agreement, you have chosen to not use the car for the next two weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the mother who bore him.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 17:25)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Assign beneficial chores with boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Chores need to be assigned to everyone in the family.
\n\u2022 Chores need to be explained as benefitting the entire family.
\n\u2022 Chores need to be clearly defined and detailed.
\n\u2022 Chores need to be compatible with your child\u2019s age and capabilities.
\n\u2022 Chores need to be given an assigned time for completion.
\n\u2022 Chores need to be consistently enforced by making sure they are completed.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nDon\u2019t say:
\n\u201cMichael, you are to mow the lawn once a week.\u201d
\nDo say:
\n\u201cMichael, since your responsibility is to take care of the yard before you leave each Saturday, be sure to remember to use the edger around the curb and sidewalk. When you have finished, put the clippings in a yard bag and place it inside the trash can by the alley, then clean and put the equipment where it goes in the storage shed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 14:23)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Reward positive behavior.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child praise regarding character traits.
\n\u201cYour room looks great! I\u2019m proud of your faithfulness to finish the job well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child \u201cthank you\u2019s.\u201d
\n\u201cI really appreciate your willingness to bring in the groceries. Thanks for your help!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child recognition in front of others.
\n\u201cJim, I wish you had heard the compliments about the way our lawn looked after Peter mowed it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child attention.
\n\u201cLisa, I heard you have learned to dive from the diving board. I would love to see you dive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child respect.
\n\u201cChris, I respect your need for privacy. I won\u2019t enter your room without knocking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give your child smiles and physical affection. Children need to be lovingly touched by their parents\u2014with plenty of hugs, kisses, pats on the back, or a hand on the shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cTherefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.\u201d
\n(1 Thessalonians 5:11)<\/p>\n
Do \u2026 Maintain consistency.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Both parents need to come to an agreement on issues regarding the child, even if they disagree in private.
\n\u2022 Make only promises you know you can keep.
\n\u2022 Give careful thought to a request before denying it.
\n\u2022 Refrain from requiring too many major changes at one time.
\n\u2022 Evaluate your boundaries and their accompanying rewards and repercussions on a regular basis. Change them as your child grows more responsible.<\/p>\n
Example:
\nIf you and your spouse disagree on a reward or repercussion, discuss the situation in private. Listen to each other as you share feelings and reasons for or against the correction. Come to an agreement or compromise so that there can be the security of consistency in your child\u2019s life.<\/p>\n
\u201cBy wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 24:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
F. How to Maintain Your Boundaries<\/p>\n
On the day that Rosie Ruiz steals the spotlight at the 1980 Boston Marathon, the rightful female winner, who maintains boundaries and rightly deserves attention, is virtually snubbed by the media.
\nJacqueline Gareau of Canada crosses the finish line in two hours, 34 minutes, and 28 seconds and indeed is the fastest woman at the world-renowned race. She is a French-Canadian who has been described as an object of grace over the years, bearing no ill will toward Rosie and living life in full optimism.
\n\u201cI just laugh,\u201d the 60-year-old former competitor reflects. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t bother me. I really don\u2019t think about her anymore.\u201d
\nBut marathon great Bill Rodgers is quick to defend Jacqueline, believing she got robbed of her rightful honor. The Boston Athletic Association is eager to stand by her side as well. Jacqueline is awarded two gold medals, and Bill observes: \u201cIt was her ultimate biggest win and I doubt the public is aware of her. She lost the moment. I always say that the most famous marathoner of all time is Rosie Ruiz. I guess infamous is more accurate.\u201d
\nBill models the call of the following Scripture concerning Jacqueline.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cBe devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.\u201d
\n(Romans 12:10)<\/p>\n
After setting boundaries, it is very common for the people around you to test them to see whether you really intend to keep them in place. They have been accustomed to getting what they want, so they will try very hard to get you to go back to your past behavior. However, remember that just like in any sport, boundary lines are in place to help everyone. Remember this counsel from God\u2019s Word \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, \u2018You are my sister,\u2019 and to insight, \u2018You are my relative.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Proverbs 7:1\u20134)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Pay attention to your feelings and watch for early warning signs that let you know you are beginning to lose sight of your boundaries.
\n\u2014 Remind yourself why you personally set the boundary in the first place.
\n\u201cI set the boundary because .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 Remember, repercussions are okay.\u2026 They exist because difficult people choose to violate the boundaries \u2026 not because you set the boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Rehearse what the Word of God says.\u2026
\n\u201cI can do all this through him who gives me strength\u201d (Philippians 4:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Plan ahead by role playing with a friend \u2026 or even just by yourself in front of a mirror \u2026 how to say no.
\n\u2014 Begin with simple situations where saying no has little impact; for example, saying no to a telemarketer who calls during your favorite television show. \u201cI\u2019m sorry but I don\u2019t have time to talk with you. I\u2019m sure your cause is a worthy one but I must say no. Thank you for calling \u2026 good-bye.\u201d If they are persistent, just repeat what you have already said and gently hang up the phone.
\n\u2014 Be aware of how you feel after hanging up the phone. Thank God by reaffirming that the boundary was good for you.
\n\u2014 Believe that as you continue to enforce your boundaries \u2026 it will get easier to exercise self-control and maintain your boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u201cgentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law\u201d (Galatians 5:23).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Recognize that any feeling of guilt over setting your boundaries is false guilt because you have not done anything wrong. It is okay \u2026 and even healthy for you to establish and maintain personal boundaries.
\n\u2014 Appreciate the importance of consistency with your boundaries in helping others honor them.
\n\u2014 Apply the repercussions when your boundary has been violated.
\n\u2014 Always keep the end goal in mind as you persevere.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised\u201d (Hebrews 10:36).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Rejoice as you continue to keep your personal boundaries and find yourself \u201cset free\u201d!
\n\u2014 Trust that God will give you strength for this journey.
\n\u2014 Think about the other people in your life and honor their boundaries \u2026 recognizing that their boundaries are important to them \u2026 and are not a negative statement about you. Don\u2019t take boundaries set by others personally. Their personal boundaries are set to protect them, not to offend you.
\n\u2014 Thank God that He gave you such value when he sacrificed His only Son for you. Therefore, you are worthy \u2026 as His child \u2026 to protect yourself with boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd pray that we may be delivered from wicked and evil people, for not everyone has faith. But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one\u201d (2 Thessalonians 3:2\u20133).<\/p>\n
G. How to Respond When Boundary Lines Are Crossed<\/p>\n
According to Bill Rodgers, Jacqueline Gareau\u2019s public response to crossed boundary lines has been \u201camazing.\u201d
\n\u201cShe doesn\u2019t have any ill feelings to Rosie at all,\u201d Bill further shares. \u201cTo lose this moment is pretty hard to deal with. She just kept cool under fire. She never said anything terrible about Rosie. She didn\u2019t say anything negative about the BAA [Boston Athletic Association]. She was just cool, and she\u2019s the same way today.\u201d
\nConsidering Jacqueline\u2019s incredible athletic accomplishments, it is \u201camazing\u201d that she has been so genteel toward someone described as a genuine cheat. She wins nine marathons, competes on the Canadian Olympic team, wins the extremely fatiguing Mount Washington Road Race three times, and is named Canadian Marathoner of the 20th Century.
\nJacqueline manifests a forgiving heart toward Rosie, a vital virtue in Scripture.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.\u201d
\n(Matthew 6:14)<\/p>\n
We all have physical, moral, and personal boundaries that should not be violated. Do you know your specific boundaries? Do you know how to respond when your boundary limits have been trampled? Do you know where to draw the line?
\nTo help identify your boundaries, pay attention when your emotions are intense, dark, shaming, or guilt-ridden in response to something someone has said or done to you.\u2026 Your boundaries are being crossed.
\nThe following responses will help you educate those in your life who are verbally and emotionally crossing the line.<\/p>\n
\u201cWounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 27:6)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Inform:
\n\u201cDo you realize that you are speaking loudly?\u201d
\n\u201cDo you know how your words are sounding?\u201d
\n\u201cDo you know that you are saying things that are making me feel uncomfortable?
\n\u2022 Identify:
\n\u201cPlease lower your voice.\u201d
\n\u201cPlease stop using that kind of language.\u201d
\n\u201cPlease explain your anger.\u201d
\n\u2022 Implore:
\n\u201cStop insulting me with your words.\u201d
\n\u201cStop these painful outbursts.\u201d
\n\u201cStop hurting me in this way.\u201d
\n\u2022 Insist:
\n\u201cYou must stop speaking to me in that tone of voice.\u201d
\n\u201cYou will have to change this way of communicating with me.\u201d
\n\u201cYou may not continue to hurt me in this way.\u201d
\n\u2022 Instruct:
\n\u201cThis is how I want you to speak to me.\u201d
\n\u201cWhen you communicate with me, this is what I expect.\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cWhen you (name behavior), it hurts me. This is what I want you to do.\u201d
\n\u2022 Invite:
\n\u201cI am open to working this out when you can be reasonable.\u201d
\n\u201cI care about you and our relationship, but I need you to change your ways when communicating with me.\u201d
\n\u201cI am willing to go to counseling with you if you agree.\u201d
\n\u2022 Impact:
\n\u201cI am now leaving in order to protect myself.\u201d
\n\u201cBecause this behavior is unacceptable to me, I am going to distance myself from you for a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 29:25)<\/p>\n
H. How to Communicate Boundary Changes<\/p>\n
Following the Rosie Ruiz scandal, numerous racing officials have made boundary changes with marathon runners to better ensure ethical behavior on the race course.
\nBesides increased video surveillance, RFID (Radio-Frequency Identification) Race Timing Systems track where runners are for certain checkpoints. A transponder is attached to the athlete and emits a unique digital code that is picked up by radio receivers along the race course.
\nTransponders are available in various sizes and shapes and can operate at many different frequencies.
\nStronger boundaries are established \u2026 to foster sure victories.
\nScripture directs that honesty and integrity should characterize all that we do.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of man.\u201d
\n(2 Corinthians 8:21)<\/p>\n
Life is made up of different seasons that sometimes require transitional conversations in order to ease the discomfort that change often creates. When grown children leave home, and especially when they get married, they are entering into a new season of life that not only impacts them but their parents as well.
\nIt is during these times that relationships necessarily change and therefore need to be redefined. Having loving conversations with parents regarding boundary changes during these periods can be extremely helpful and meaningful, encouraging growth and solidifying the relationship.
\nOur roles are changing, and we want to proceed with sensitivity and a tender heart. Pick your battles. Show respect and honor.
\nIf you realize that you have not made the separation from your family of origin to your new family, you may need to communicate your boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Define your new relationship:
\n\u201cMom and dad, I love each of you. I am thankful to have you as my parents. I am thankful that I was raised by you. Now that I am married, I am making a new family. We will communicate with you, visit you, and always love you. But there will be some changes in traditions because I am establishing traditions with my new family.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 State what is acceptable and what is not:
\n\u201cIt is not acceptable for you to talk with me in that tone of voice.\u201d Or, \u201cIt is not acceptable for you to talk with my family if you use unkind words or speak in that tone of voice. If you choose to cross this boundary, the repercussion is that we will leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Separate from your family of origin:
\n\u201cI realize this is the way we always did things growing up. We share great memories, and I want many of those same ways for my family. I am married now, and we are creating some of our own ways of doing things that work for our family.\u201d<\/p>\n
IN YOUR MARRIAGE<\/p>\n
Marriage is the union of two people \u2026 \u201cand the two will become as one flesh\u201d (Mark 10:8). Boundaries are about defining your respective selves.
\nMarriage can become a fertile ground for boundary issues to sprout and grow if not properly addressed. A healthy marriage consists of two complete people who together create a place of love.
\nThey do not need each other to be complete, but they share a complete love and union between themselves.<\/p>\n
\u2022 State what you need:
\n\u201cI love you and love our time together, but I also need time to be by myself and explore interests of my own.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish boundaries about how you will be treated:
\n\u201cI love you and want our marriage to work, but if you choose to treat me in this way, there will be consequences. If you , I will .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Define how you want to be talked to:
\n\u201cI will not be talked to in this hateful way, especially in front of the children. If you choose to speak to me disrespectfully, I will ask you to leave our home until you can speak in a kind voice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEach one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 5:33)<\/p>\n
IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS<\/p>\n
\u2022 Define your relationship:
\n\u201cI am glad we have so much in common, especially our love of scrapbooking and our faith in Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish boundaries:
\n\u201cIt\u2019s great that we can get together once a month to share dinner and scrapbooking ideas at each other\u2019s home. Let\u2019s meet at my house next Thursday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reinforce limitations:
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry you can\u2019t meet this week, but Thursday evening is the only time I have available.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Maintain boundaries:
\n\u201cI truly can\u2019t meet another day this week, so let\u2019s get together at our regular time next month.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA friend loves at all times.\u2026\u201d
\n(Proverbs 17:17)<\/p>\n
IN YOUR PARENTING<\/p>\n
\u2022 Establish limits:
\n\u201cYou may use your inside voice when you play in our home and your outside voice when you play in the yard.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Define consequences:
\n\u201cYou have chosen to , and the consequence is .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Train for delayed gratification:
\n\u201cI know you want this toy now, but you will have to wait until you have saved up enough money from doing chores.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Explain appropriate behavior:
\n\u201cIn our home we use our hands to help and love; we do not hit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBehold, children are a gift of the LORD.\u2026\u201d
\n(Psalm 127:3 NASB)<\/p>\n
IN YOUR WORKPLACE<\/p>\n
\u2022 Stay within the parameters of your job description:
\n\u201cI was hired to do this job description. I am being asked to do things that are not a part of this job description. I understand when occasional things come up, but it is becoming the \u201cnorm\u201d and not the exception. If I cannot do my job as defined in my job description, I will need to contact the Human Resources Department.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Define your work space:
\n\u201cThis is the office area where I need to work. If you would like to come in, please set up an appointment or knock. It\u2019s important that you not just walk in because I have much work to do and must finish it when I\u2019m here. Thank you for respecting this boundary so we can work together as team players.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Work within the boundaries of your hours:
\n\u201cFirst, I want you to know how grateful I am for all that I have learned since I\u2019ve been here and for the opportunity to contribute to (company). I would like to mention an item for your consideration. (State request.) I was hired to work \u2018X\u2019 number of hours per week. I understand when there are occasional emergencies or deadlines. I want to be a team player, but four out of the last six weeks I\u2019ve worked overtime. I want to keep the boundaries of my work time and family time. I need you to respect this boundary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow to the one who works, wages are not credited as a gift but as an obligation\u201d (Romans 4:4).<\/p>\n
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS<\/p>\n
TOO MUCH HELP<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cHow much help is too much?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Consider the following boundary issues:
\n\u2014 By allowing a needy person to be dependent on you, do you feel more significant?
\n\u2014 Under the guise of being a \u201cgiving person,\u201d are you being a modern-day martyr in order to attract attention?
\n\u2014 Do you ever think, How could you do this to me after all I\u2019ve done for you?
\n\u2014 Examine your motives. Pray that you can discern the driving force behind your need to help.<\/p>\n
\u201cA person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart\u201d (Proverbs 21:2).<\/p>\n
REJECTED BY IN-LAWS<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cMy parents have rejected my wife ever since we\u2019ve been married. They don\u2019t include her in family functions. I go without her to weddings, birthdays, and graduations. How can I get my parents to accept her?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: As her husband, you are called to love your wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). A tangible way to express your love for her is through actions that convey you value and cherish her and are willing to \u201clay your life down\u201d for her. Until now, you have been accepting of your parents\u2019 hurtful choice to exclude your wife from family functions.<\/p>\n
For your parents to accept your wife, they need a motivating \u201creason\u201d to accept her. Presently they have no motivation because no consequences have been attached to their failure to accept her. As long as you go alone to family affairs, you are communicating that excluding her is permissible. This is dishonoring to your wife. As a member of the extended family, it is only right that she be invited to normal family functions.<\/p>\n
Therefore you must explain to your parents that in the future, either you and your wife will both come or you will both stay home. And you must be consistent 100% of the time, unless you or your wife literally \u201ccan\u2019t make it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Consider conveying to your parents the concepts contained in the following statements.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cI love my family very much and always want to be at family occasions.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cBecause I\u2019m married, my wife is part of our family and should be included in our family functions.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cSince the two of us are united as one, if you don\u2019t accept my wife, then you don\u2019t accept me.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cWhen you don\u2019t respect her by ignoring her, you are also showing disrespect to me because she is my choice for a lifelong mate.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cBeginning today, I expect for my wife to be included in our family get-togethers and to be treated with acceptance or else we will both stay home. Ultimately, the choice is yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Bible presents the following principle in both the Old and New Testaments, in four different books of the Bible\u2014Genesis, Matthew, Mark, and Ephesians.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cA man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.\u201d
\n(Ephesians 5:31)<\/p>\n
CYBERBULLYING<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cMy teens have become the targets of a cyberbully. What can I do to protect them from being bombarded with this kind of abuse?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: With the increase in use of cell phones and e-mails, cyberbullying is a serious issue. If your teen is being bullied online or through mobile or social messaging, it is critical that you take immediate action.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Use parental controls, filtering software, and online tracking programs.
\n\u2022 Talk with your teen and be sensitive to changes in mood relative to online activity.
\n\u2022 Look at their communications with them and immediately address abusive messages. Don\u2019t be dismissive or flippant. These verbal attacks are hurtful and harmful, and your teen needs your protection and steadfast support.
\n\u2022 Communicate all cyberbullying to the appropriate school administrator and authorities.
\n\u2022 Make copies of all abusive and threatening correspondence and keep in a file as documentation if needed for further action.
\n\u2022 Delete abusive messages with your teen so that they know you are there for them.
\n\u2022 Talk often and pray with and for your teen.
\n\u2022 As you help your teenagers take actions that will protect them, also remind them that their identity is not in what others say, but like Jesus, who was unjustly slandered, they are to entrust themselves to the ultimate Judge who judges justly.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTo this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. \u2018He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.\u2019 \u201d
\n(1 Peter 2:21\u201322)<\/p>\n
TOUGH LOVE FOR TEENS<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cI had my teenage son arrested and jailed after he was caught drinking with some of his friends. Did I handle this situation correctly?\u201d<\/p>\n
ANSWER: Yes, you did the right thing. Consider these reasons for letting your son spend time in jail:<\/p>\n
\u2022 Underage drinking is illegal.
\n\u2022 When a person is in the wrong, they need to suffer the natural repercussion (pain) of their wrong behavior. The pain needs to outweigh the pleasure of the sin \u2026 otherwise people will keep going after the pleasure.
\n\u2022 As a parent who loves your son, you have the responsibility to discipline your son and correct his behavior. Tough love \u2026 often is precisely what teens need.
\n\u2022 Look at the heart of this insightful Scripture: \u201c \u2018The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.\u2019 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?\u2026 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it\u201d (Hebrews 12:6\u20137, 11).<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.\u201d
\n(James 5:20)<\/p>\n
Because the concept of boundaries began with God,
\nthe best relationships have boundaries.
\nThey protect both your heart and your home.<\/p>\n
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae, NIV\u00ae Copyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.\u2122 Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked \u201cNKJV\u2122\u201d are taken from the New King James Version\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked (NASB) are taken from the New American Standard Bible\u00ae,
\nCopyright \u00a9 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation.
\nUsed by permission. (www.Lockman.org)<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked \u201cESV\u2122\u201d are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version\u2122. Copyright \u00a92001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
The Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.<\/p>\n
We acknowledge that mistakes or omissions could occur in our many Scripture references, writings, and citations.
\nAlthough the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility.
\nThe considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.<\/p>\n
To order CDs, resource books, and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Codependency, Conflict Resolution, Confrontation, Ethics & Integrity, Fear, Manipulation, Parenting, Rejection, Teenagers, Verbal & Emotional Abuse, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART \u2022 P.O. Box 7 \u2022 Dallas, TX \u2022 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 2013 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
Please visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.HopeForTheHeart.org<\/p>\n
2013.9.27\/1 (NIV)<\/p>\n
@book{Hunt_2013,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\nseries={Hope for the Heart Series},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Boundaries},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2013},
\ncollection={Hope for the Heart Series}}<\/p>\n
Exportiert aus Verbum, 00:42 16. Februar 2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I. DEFINITIONS In the world of professional cycling, Greg LeMond has clearly distinguished himself by earning a reputation for being \u201csqueaky clean.\u201d Now that Lance Armstrong has been stripped of all seven of his consecutive Tour de France titles, Greg is the only American to have won the prestigious race\u2014not once, not twice, but three … <\/p>\n