\u201cFirst seek the counsel of the LORD.\u201d
\n (1 Kings 22:5 NIV)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Adultery
\nThe Snare of an Affair<\/p>\n\n\n\n
by June Hunt<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Has your life been gripped by the agony of adultery? Has your life been forever changed because of the snare of an affair? Marriage was God\u2019s idea. A lifelong commitment to the marriage is God\u2019s requirement. According to His Word, God will judge those who break the marriage covenant. The painful lessons of adultery are taught only too well in the story of the most famous adulterer in history, King David. The fact that David is remembered as a great king and a man after God\u2019s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14) shows the completeness of God\u2019s healing after a terrible affair. But David had to deal with the consequences of his disobedience\u2014family crimes, political upheaval, violence and death\u2014all the days of his life.\n\n \u201cMarriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.\u201d\n(Hebrews 13:4)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nI. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those who walk through the door of adultery assume, I won\u2019t get caught, or It\u2019s no big deal. They have no clue that they will reap severe repercussions. This attitude was certainly played out in the life of the most famous king of Israel. David sent his troops off to battle while he himself stayed home. One spring evening when he was walking on the roof of his palace, he saw a beautiful woman bathing on a nearby rooftop. He learned that she was Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite\u2014one of David\u2019s best soldiers (2 Samuel 23:39)\u2014who was off fighting David\u2019s battles. David sent for her and slept with her; then she went back home. Some time later she sent word to David that she was pregnant. His descent into further destruction is convincing evidence that adulterers indeed reap what they sow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.\u201d\n (Galatians 6:7)\n\n\nA. What Is Adultery?\n\n \u2022 Adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and another person who is not his or her lawful spouse. Spiritually, it means to apostatize or to stray away from the covenant with God.\n\n \u2022 The English word adultery comes from the Latin ad, which means \u201cto\u201d and alter, which means \u201cother, different\u201d (to make different, to alter).\n\n \u2022 In the Bible, the first mention of adultery is the Hebrew word naaph in the Ten Commandments.\n\n \u201cYou shall not commit adultery.\u201d\n (Exodus 20:14)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cI find myself attracted to someone other than my husband. What can I do to ensure that I will be faithful?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: At the very moment you find your emotions turning from your husband to someone else, redirect your emotions back to your husband. Realize that guardrails on mountain roads serve as constraints that compel us to stay on course and drive safely. They keep us from plunging off the road to destruction below. In the same way, guarding your emotions keeps you from plunging headlong into an adulterous affair.\n\n Pray, \u201cLord, I refuse to let my mind get off course. I choose to guard my mind. I will focus on being faithful to my marriage commitment, my marriage partner and my Savior. In His strength I pray, Amen.\u201d\n\n \u201cFor Christ\u2019s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.\u201d (2 Corinthians 5:14\u201315)\n\n\nB. What Does It Mean to Adulterate?\n\n \u2022 To adulterate is to corrupt or debase.\n\n \u2022 To adulterate is to make impure or inferior by adding an improper substance.\n\n \u2022 To adulterate sexually means to be involved in any sexually impure activity.\n\n \u201cAmong you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality [fornication], or of any kind of impurity.\u201d\n (Ephesians 5:3)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cHow should I pray for my husband, who has left me and is involved in an adulterous relationship?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Your husband needs to be convicted so that he will see his need to turn from his sinful lifestyle to a sacrificial lifestyle that brings glory to God. Rather than praying for God to bless him, pray that God will withhold blessings from him until he repents. Pray that your husband can\u2019t help but be miserable \u2026 that he would have such a heaviness of heart\u2014such piercing guilt\u2014that he would be driven out of the arms of this other woman and into the arms of God. Ask God to bring whatever sorrow is necessary to bring him back to his senses and bring him to his knees before God.\n\n \u201cEven if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it\u2014I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while\u2014yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.\u201d (2 Corinthians 7:8\u201310)\n\n\nC. What Is Fornication?\n\n \u2022 Generally:\n Fornication is an umbrella word for any sexual immorality, including adultery and pornographic acts. The Greek word porneia, from which we get the English word pornography, is often translated \u201cfornication.\u201d\n\n \u2022 Specifically:\n Fornication is sexual intercourse between an unmarried person and another unmarried person.\n\n \u2022 Spiritually:\n Fornication can also be used metaphorically when referring to mixing pagan idolatry with Christianity.\n\n \u201cFlee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.\u201d\n (1 Corinthians 6:18)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cHow do I know whether I should remarry my ex-husband? He had numerous adulterous relationships while we were married, but now he wants us to remarry.\u201d\n\n ANSWER: What would make you think you can trust him now when you couldn\u2019t trust him in the past? The past is a predictor of the future. Unless something intervenes, negative patterns rarely change. Certainly, the Lord can change anyone who is willing to give Him total control. God is a God of reconciliation, but reconciliation takes two.\n\n Until you are thoroughly convinced by both his attitudes and actions that he has indeed changed, do not give open access to your home, your children, your heart or your bed. You need substantial reasons to think he is now trustworthy and ready to commit to the marriage. Key indicators that your husband has changed are:\n \u2014 Is he taking personal responsibility for his behavior?\n \u2014 Is he genuinely repentant?\n \u2014 Has he sought counsel to understand his wayward behavior?\n \u2014 Is he unquestionably committed to keeping the marriage covenant?\n \u2014 Is he demonstrating respect for you even when you don\u2019t agree?\n \u2014 Is he considerate of you on a consistent basis?\n \u2014 Does he have sacrificial love for you, not just physical or emotional love?\n\n \u201cHusbands \u2026 be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life.\u201d (1 Peter 3:7)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nII. CHARACTERISTICS OF ONE DRAWN INTO ADULTERY<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s go back to the story of David and Bathsheba. Bathsheba\u2019s pregnancy was a precarious matter\u2014with her husband gone, people would soon see that she had experienced sexual relations with someone other than her husband, and the Old Testament penalty for adultery was death (Leviticus 20:10). Therefore, the first thing King David attempted to do was cover up the sin. He summoned her husband home from the battlefield to wine and dine him and send him home to his wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But Uriah was a man of conscience. As long as his commander and fellow soldiers were fighting in the field, he would not go home and enjoy the company of his wife. He slept at the palace entrance with the other servants. David tried for three days to convince him to go home, but Uriah\u2019s honor was unshakable. Finally David sent him back to the field carrying a note to his commander that read, \u201cPut Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die\u201d (2 Samuel 11:15).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A. Signs of Adultery<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nGIVING IN TO TEMPTATION<\/pre>\n\n\n\nTemptation to taste<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nlured by the forbidden fruit<\/pre>\n\n\n\nEmotional excitement<\/pre>\n\n\n\nfulfills lust<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Minimizes the marriage<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\ndevalues the marriage covenant<\/pre>\n\n\n\nPhysical withdrawal<\/pre>\n\n\n\navoids home and family<\/pre>\n\n\n\nTemporal over eternal<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nchooses present pleasure<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anger over accountability<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nrefuses to discuss marriage problems<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Twisting the truth<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nlies and denies the affair<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Indulging in imaginations<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\navoids reality<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Overly protective of the other party<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\ndefends and argues<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Numb to God\u2019s leading<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\nhardens the heart<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.\u201d\n (1 Corinthians 10:13)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cWhy does anyone get involved in adultery?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Typically, people get into adulterous relationships because they rationalize their wrong actions as \u201cright.\u201d Then they indulge in selfish pleasures to the extent that they develop a heart that is hardened toward the desires of God.\n\n \u201cAll a man\u2019s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart.\u201d (Proverbs 21:2)\n\n\nB. Characteristics and Consequences of Adulterers<\/pre>\n\n\n\nGOD\u2019S PERSPECTIVE FROM PROVERBS CHAPTER 6<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Adulterers are smooth talkers.\n \u201cThe corrections of discipline are the way to life, keeping you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife.\u201d (Proverbs 6:23\u201324)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers play with fire and get burned.\n \u201cCan a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?\u201d (Proverbs 6:27)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers will be punished.\n \u201cSo is he who sleeps with another man\u2019s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.\u201d (Proverbs 6:29)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers lack judgment.\n \u201cA man who commits adultery lacks judgment \u2026\u201d (Proverbs 6:32)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers destroy themselves.\n \u201c\u2026 whoever does so destroys himself.\u201d (Proverbs 6:32)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers will be disgraced.\n \u201cBlows and disgrace are his lot \u2026\u201d (Proverbs 6:33)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers will experience never ending shame.\n \u201c\u2026 and his shame will never be wiped away.\u201d (Proverbs 6:33)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers evoke anger and jealousy in their spouses.\n \u201cFor jealousy arouses a husband\u2019s fury \u2026\u201d (Proverbs 6:34)\n\n \u2022 Adulterers often become the object of revenge.\n \u201c\u2026 and he [the husband] will show no mercy when he takes revenge.\u201d (Proverbs 6:34)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cDoes a jilted wife have any legal recourse against the other woman who has gone after her husband and \u2018stolen\u2019 him?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: In certain places throughout the world, a civil statute in the law books permits a lawsuit due to \u201calienation of affection\u201d or other such wording. For example, in America, in the State of North Carolina, a civil statute dates back to the eighteenth century common law allowing a husband to sue another man if that man had seduced his wife. In recent years, wives have won substantial financial judgments from \u201cthe other woman\u201d who pursued and seduced their marriage partners\u2014judgments sometimes as much as one million dollars. Husbands have likewise sued other men who enticed their wives.1\n\n Therefore, those considering this course of action should first check the local law, then contact a Family Law Attorney, and above all, pray to be led by the Lord. The Bible does give permission to take unbelievers to court.\n\n \u201cSubmit yourselves for the Lord\u2019s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.\u201d (1 Peter 2:13\u201314)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cWhat can I do about my husband\u2019s spending a great deal of money on a girlfriend with whom he is living and incurring large amounts of debt?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: The laws vary from state-to-state regarding how a spouse can protect financial interests when the other spouse is incurring debts on joint credit cards. In some areas, an ad in the local newspaper stating no responsibility for the other person\u2019s debts is sufficient. The safest thing to do is consult an attorney who specializes in Family Law to find out the options where you live.\n\n \u201cPlans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.\u201d (Proverbs 15:22)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nIII. CAUSES OF COMMITTING ADULTERY<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After David committed adultery with Bathsheba, God sent Nathan the Prophet to David with a story of a rich man who had many sheep and a poor shepherd who had one little lamb. When the rich man had a guest, instead of slaughtering one of his own sheep for dinner, he took the poor man\u2019s one lamb. When David heard this, he exclaimed, \u201cThe man who did this deserves to die!\u201d Whereupon Nathan replied, \u201cYou are the man!\u2026 Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes?\u201d (2 Samuel 12:5, 7\u20139). \u201cWhy?\u201d How many adulterers ask the question \u201cwhy\u201d? Jesus gives the answer that is at the heart of both sexual and spiritual adultery. \u201cI hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.\u201d (Revelation 2:4\u20135)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
QUESTION: \u201cMy husband had an affair with a married woman, and now she is expecting his child. He is willing to help her financially, but she also wants my husband to be involved in this child\u2019s life. We feel involvement with the child would be too disruptive to our own family. In this situation, what should we do?\u201d\n\nANSWER: First, your husband would be wise to confirm his paternity. If he is the father, then he must take full responsibility for his behavior and be financially responsible. After that, all decisions need to be made in light of what is in the best interest of the child. With two families connected by adultery, the best option for the child is to be raised and nurtured within the security of one family and one alone. Any other arrangement could open the door to deceit, temptation and discord.\n\nNo good purpose is served in telling others, especially if a child can be protected from crude name-calling, which so often surrounds the stigma of being an \u201cillegitimate child.\u201d At a later time of life, the situation could be different. No matter what decision you make, do not lie to the child or anyone else.\n\n\u201cThere is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven \u2026 a time to embrace and a time to refrain \u2026 a time to be silent and a time to speak.\u201d (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5, 7)\n\n\nA. Why Is Adultery So Deceptive?\n\n \u2022 It skews objectivity.\n\n \u2022 It affords the illusion of being loved.\n\n \u2022 It gives a false sense of significance.\n\n \u2022 It feels good physically.\n\n \u2022 It provides a temporary sense of security.\n\n \u2022 It gives a false feeling of connecting.\n\n \u2022 It makes both parties feel wanted.\n\n \u2022 It numbs emotional pain.\n\n \u2022 It diverts attention away from family problems.\n\n \u2022 It can be a weapon to punish the spouse.\n\n \u201cThere is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.\u201d\n (Proverbs 14:12)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cIs it wrong to try to find out if my spouse is being unfaithful? If it\u2019s not wrong, what is the best way to do so?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: It\u2019s not wrong to search out and confirm the truth. Truth sets us free to make wise choices regarding the future. When a question of fidelity arises, the first approach is to confront your marriage partner with specific concerns.\n\n Afterward, if you are still unsettled in your spirit, pray about approaches that others have used successfully. Some have chosen to literally follow a spouse suspected of being unfaithful. Others have spoken with a friend, a coworker or a discerning family member of the spouse, specifically asking if they are aware of any romantic involvement outside the marriage. Still others have hired a private investigator. Before you do anything, pray for God to reveal the truth to you, then ask Him to lead you down the path of His choosing.\n\n \u201cSurely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.\u201d (Psalm 51:6)\n\n\nB. Why Was I Drawn into Adultery?\n\n \u2022 \u201cI focused on what I thought would meet my needs.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI opened the door of compromise.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI failed to look at the lifelong consequences.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI blamed my marriage partner for my problems.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI thought I wouldn\u2019t get caught.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI believed it would make me happy.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI rationalized that God understands my situation.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI assumed my mate would never change.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI hardened my heart.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cI was lured by lust.\u201d\n\n \u201cThey are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.\u201d\n (Ephesians 4:18\u201319)\n\n\nC. Why Should I Stop Committing Adultery?\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy mate is wounded.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy integrity is destroyed.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy peace is forfeited.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy morality is compromised.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy health is jeopardized.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy conscience is scarred.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy children lose their hero.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy future will not be blessed.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy Bible forbids it.\u201d\n\n \u2022 \u201cMy God condemns it.\u201d\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cAlthough I am married, I\u2019ve been pulled into an affair with someone I dated years ago. We were both promiscuous then, but I hate the deception now. Why would this woman from my past so devalue my marriage relationship?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: The blame game is most effective in shifting blame to someone else. However, you knew right from wrong. The bigger question is: why would you walk into a lion\u2019s cage with a warning sign that says, \u201cBeware, man-eating lion!\u201d?\n\n You walked back into this relationship, totally ignoring the knowledge you possess and are now being eaten up by your lust. You are the one who devalued your marriage by choosing to ignore the warning sign, and now you are being mauled! Get out immediately, slam the door and don\u2019t look back.\n\n \u201cDo not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.\u201d (Proverbs 6:25\u201326)\n\n\nD. Root Cause\n\nThe root cause of an adulterous relationship is the emotional immaturity of a person who is willing to sacrifice commitment to a marriage partner, believing that personal integrity is not important and that the need for love can be fully met while going against the will of God.2\n\nWRONG BELIEF:\n\n \u201cI have a right to get my basic needs for love, for significance and for security met. I don\u2019t feel my previous commitments are binding because my mate is not meeting all my needs.\u201d\n\n \u201cDrink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.\u2026 Let them be yours alone.\u2026 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.\u2026 May you ever be captivated by her love.\u201d (Proverbs 5:15, 17\u201319)\n\nRIGHT BELIEF:\n\n My deepest inner needs will be met completely in a genuine relationship with Jesus, who will be faithful to fulfill me. As I give myself to Christ and obey His commands, He will give me the right desires and the ability to keep my commitments.\n\n \u201cDelight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.\u201d (Psalm 37:4\u20135)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband is my life, yet he is involved in an adulterous relationship. I am consumed with pain and unable to read the Bible or pray. How can I connect with God mentally and emotionally? I need Him desperately.\u201d\n\n ANSWER: No human being is ever to be our \u201clife.\u201d God wants you to yield your will to His will and allow Jesus to take control of your life. When you become a true Christian, Christ will be your life. When you make Him your life, He becomes your stability, both emotionally and mentally.\n\n \u201cSet your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.\u201d (Colossians 3:2\u20134)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cWhat am I to do about getting my emotional needs met when my husband has abandoned me?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Your emotional needs are God-given and legitimate. And even though your husband was once God\u2019s instrument for meeting many of those needs, God will prove Himself faithful to you by meeting those needs if you will seek His provision. Look to Him as the lover of your soul to meet your God-given needs in His time and in His way.\n\n \u201cThe LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.\u201d (Isaiah 58:11)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nIV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Adultery produces deep remorse inside the souls of many unfaithful partners. One of the most poignant psalms in the Bible records the conviction David felt for his sin. In sorrow and humility, David acknowledges, \u201cFor I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned.\u2026 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.\u2026 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me\u201d (Psalm 51:3\u20134, 7, 10\u201312).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A. Key Verses to Memorize\n\n \u2022 For the faithful partner\n\n \u201cFor your Maker is your husband\u2014the Lord Almighty is his name\u2014the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.\u201d\n (Isaiah 54:5)\n\n \u2022 For the unfaithful partner\n\n \u201cFlee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.\u201d\n (1 Corinthians 6:18)\n\n\nB. Key Passages to Read and Reread\n\n \u2022 For the faithful partner\u2014(Read Romans 12:9\u201321.)\n\n \u201cDo not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God\u2019s wrath, for it is written: \u2018It is mine to avenge; I will repay,\u2019 says the Lord.\u201d\n (Romans 12:19)\n\n \u2022 For the unfaithful partner\u2014(Read Colossians 3:1\u201315.)\n\n \u201cPut to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.\u201d\n (Colossians 3:5\u20136)\n\n\nC. Seven Redeeming Steps for the Adulterer3\n\n #1 Confess the adultery.\n\n Myth: \u201cI\u2019ll just put the affair behind me.\u2026 no one needs to know.\u201d\n Truth: The truth must come out in order for God to bring healing.\n\n \u201cConfess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.\u201d (James 5:16)\n\n #2 Commit yourself completely to your covenant partner.\n\n Myth: \u201cChildren are the glue in marriage.\u201d4\n Truth: Commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together.\n\n \u201cThe LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.\u201d (Malachi 2:14\u201315)\n\n #3 Cut all ties with the third party.\n\n Myth: \u201cAffairs are okay as long as no one knows.\u201d\n Truth: Adultery cannot be hidden. God knows, the illicit partner knows and in time, others will know. Ultimately, the affair will burn you.\n\n \u201cCan a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?\u201d (Proverbs 6:27)\n\n #4 Choose where to place your thoughts when tempted.\n\n Myth: \u201cPeople who have affairs do not love their spouses.\u201d\n Truth: It is possible to still feel a love for one person yet at the same time be infatuated with another.\n\n \u201cFinally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable\u2014if anything is excellent or praiseworthy\u2014think about such things.\u201d (Philippians 4:8)\n\n #5 Consider the difference between love and lust.\n\n Myth: \u201cHow can it be so wrong if it feels so right?\u201d\n Truth: Love is not a feeling. The supreme test to determine if something is right is not how it feels, but what God says about it. If sin never felt good, no one would ever be tempted to sin. Love is a choice to make a personal sacrifice.\n\n \u201cHusbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.\u201d (Ephesians 5:25)\n\n #6 Count the cost.\n\n Myth: \u201cAs long as no one knows, no one is hurt.\u201d\n Truth: Adultery hurts everyone involved. You\u2019ve brought guilt and God\u2019s judgment not only upon yourself, but also upon the other person. You have destroyed your truthfulness, your credibility and your testimony.\n\n \u201cA man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.\u201d (Proverbs 6:32)\n\n #7 Communicate godly sorrow.\n\n Myth: \u201cIf I admit I\u2019m sorry about the affair, everything will be okay.\u201d\n Truth: The Bible says there is a vast difference between \u201cworldly sorrow\u201d and \u201cgodly sorrow.\u201d Worldly sorrow is being sorry for getting caught. Godly sorrow is a change of mind with a change of direction, resulting in a change of behavior. You hate your sin so much that you turn from it and never turn back to it again.\n\n \u201cGodly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.\u201d (2 Corinthians 7:10)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband, who sexually betrayed me, blames me for not trusting him. How can I trust him when he has not demonstrated real repentance?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: You should not trust someone who continues to be untrustworthy. The Bible refers to a time when even Jesus would not trust certain people because He knew what was in their hearts. Just like Jesus, you need to be wise and discerning.\n\n \u201cJesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men. He did not need man\u2019s testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man.\u201d (John 2:24\u201325)\n\n\nD. Six Common Mistakes of a Faithful Mate5\n\n #1 Trying to find ways to change your mate\n You are not responsible for changing your mate. In fact, you can\u2019t change your mate\u2014you don\u2019t have that power.\n\n \u201cThe LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.\u201d (Exodus 14:14)\n\n #2 Repeatedly bringing up specifics in order to convict your mate\n The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts.\n\n \u201cHe will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment.\u201d (John 16:8)\n\n #3 Blaming yourself for the adulter6\n Almost all wounded mates struggle with false guilt \u2026 feeling responsible for the mate\u2019s affair. However, anything you did or didn\u2019t do did not cause your spouse to sin against you. You can\u2019t make another person sin. Our actions are based on our individual choices.\n\n \u201cSo then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.\u201d (Romans 14:12)\n\n #4 Minimizing or denying the seriousness of the situation\n Minimizing or denying the seriousness of the situation does not change the fact that it is sin. Call sin what it is.\n\n \u201cAll other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.\u201d (1 Corinthians 6:18)\n\n #5 Seeking to find ways to meet all your mate\u2019s needs\n You can never meet all your mate\u2019s needs. If you could meet all those needs, your mate would never sense a need for God. God did not create anyone to meet all another person\u2019s needs. God promises to meet all our needs.\n\n \u201cMy God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.\u201d (Philippians 4:19)\n\n #6 Communicating that you can\u2019t make it alone and that you are completely dependent on your partner\n Your sufficiency is to be in the Lord alone, not in another person.\n\n \u201cFind rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.\u201d (Psalm 62:5\u20137)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband is having an affair and refuses to talk about it. He just goes on living as though nothing is happening. I don\u2019t feel I have any value. I cry a lot and feel my world is gone. What can I do about feeling helpless and hopeless?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Your world is not gone. Although you are powerless to change your husband, you are not powerless to change the way you respond. Whether your husband talks about the affair or not, you decide your course of action and tell him what it is. Don\u2019t continue playing the part of the victim.\n You have the choice to find your significance and security in the Lord. Even though your husband has abdicated his role as husband, the Lord promises to be your Husband. The Lord knows how to meet your need for love.\u2026 He promises to be your provider. The deeper your relationship with your spiritual Husband, the more stability you will feel in your heart, and you will find your value in Him.\n\n \u201cFor your Maker is your husband\u2014the LORD Almighty is his name\u2014the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.\u201d (Isaiah 54:5)\n\n\nE. Six Steps for the Faithful Spouse7\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cDo I confront my mate if I am suspicious?\u201d\n\n Myth: \u201cBringing up the subject might put the thought in your mate\u2019s mind.\u201d\n Truth: Bringing up the subject might relieve your thoughts, be a deterrent for the future or be used by the Holy Spirit to convict your partner. Don\u2019t attack; don\u2019t blame.\n\n #1 Use \u201cI\u201d statements about your feelings.\n\n \u201cI feel that you are keeping something from me.\u201d \u201cI feel hurt that your affection has turned from me.\u201d \u201cI would appreciate your being totally honest with me.\u201d\n\n \u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.\u201d (Matthew 18:15)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cHow do I handle the emotion of anger?\u201d\n\n Myth: Anger is always wrong.\u201d\n Truth: Anger is a natural response to hurt, fear, injustice or rejection.\n\n #2 Express your anger in a nondestructive way.\n\n \u201cIn your anger do not sin.\u201d (Ephesians 4:26)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cWhere did I go wrong?\u201d\n\n Myth: \u201cA person has an affair because of failures of the spouse (the most common belief about infidelity).\u201d\n Truth: A spouse is not responsible for the partner\u2019s irresponsible behavior. No one can make another person sin.\n\n #3 Refuse to blame yourself for your partner\u2019s adulterous behavior.\n\n \u201cEach of us will give an account of himself to God.\u201d (Romans 14:12)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMust I remain in a marriage with an adulterous mate?\u201d\n\n Myth: \u201cI must stay married even if my mate continues to commit adultery.\u201d\n Truth: There are Biblical grounds for divorce: marital unfaithfulness (adultery). Jesus does not demand divorce in such a case, but rather permits it.\n\n #4 Pray that you will be guided by the Spirit of God as to whether you should leave an adulterous marriage.\n\n \u201cJesus replied, \u2018Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.\u2019\u00a0\u201d (Matthew 19:8\u20139)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cWhat if my mate never returns to me?\u201d\n\n Myth: \u201cIn order to be whole, I must have a mate.\u201d\n Truth: One is a whole number\u2014not a half, not a fraction. You can be whole in Christ.\n\n #5 Lean on the Lord to be \u2026\n \u2022 your Savior\n \u2022 your Completer\n \u2022 your Healer\n\n \u201cHeal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.\u201d (Jeremiah 17:14)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cHow can I forgive and forget?\u201d\n\n Myth: \u201cYou must forget in order to forgive.\u201d\n Truth: Forgiving is not forgetting. The key is how it is remembered.\u2026 Forgiving is remembering without bitterness, hatred or resentment.8\n\n #6 Choose as an act of your will to forgive.\n\n \u201cBear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d (Colossians 3:13)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband committed adultery years ago. He has truly changed, but I continue to have trouble forgiving him. I keep choosing to forgive over and over, but I still feel angry and hurt. How can I overcome this anger I still feel?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Don\u2019t be dismayed over your anger. The four roots of anger are hurt, injustice, fear and frustration. Your response is normal because the Bible says,\n\n \u201cIn your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.\u201d (Ephesians 4:26)\n\n Therefore, you can feel legitimate anger over his betrayal. Every time you feel anger, admit it and then release it \u2026 release it as a sacrifice to the Lord.\n\n Pray, \u201cLord, right now I release to You all the anger I feel. I choose to guard my mind from thoughts of past events that You have dealt with and that I have forgiven. Thank You for the changes You have brought about in my husband. Thank You that he is a trustworthy man, and I choose right now to trust You to continue to work in his life. In the name of your wonderful son. Amen.\u201d\n\n Don\u2019t allow Satan, the enemy, to accuse you of unforgiveness just because of how you may feel. Forgiveness is a process of forgiving every single time you remember the pain or think about any of those involved. Forgiveness is a choice you have made, and you must learn to place fact over feelings. Satan, your adversary, has already been defeated.\n\n \u201cFor the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.\u201d (Revelation 12:10)\n\n\n THE KEY INGREDIENT IN MARRIAGE IS COMMITMENT!\n The keeping of the marital covenant\u2014both physically and emotionally\u2014is the measure of your maturity within a marriage. The realization that Christ will never break His covenant commitment with you is the foundation on which you build the emotional maturity to keep your commitments in all your relationships.\n \u2014June Hunt\n\n\n\nF. Coping, Confronting and Coming to God<\/pre>\n\n\n\nCOPING \u2026 LETTING GO<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad? Now I will tell you what I am going to do to my vineyard: I will take away its hedge, and it will be destroyed; I will break down its wall, and it will be trampled.\u201d\n (Isaiah 5:4\u20135)\n\n \u2022 Give up all expectations of your spouse, and place your confidence in God.\n\n \u201cFind rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.\u201d (Psalm 62:5\u20138)\n\n \u2022 Learn to detach emotionally from your spouse\u2019s infidelity and respond with patience and gentleness.\n\n \u201cThrough patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.\u201d (Proverbs 25:15)\n\n \u2022 Shift your focus from your spouse\u2019s hurtful behavior to your loving responses.\n\n \u201cWhat a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.\u201d (Proverbs 19:22)\n\n \u2022 Learn all you can about the deceptive lures of adultery.\n\n \u201cHow much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver!\u201d (Proverbs 16:16)\n\n \u2022 Stop enabling adulterous behavior by ignoring telltale signs or accepting lame excuses. God has said,\n\n \u201cThese things you have done and I kept silent; you thought I was altogether like you. But I will rebuke you and accuse you to your face\u201d (Psalm 50:21).\n\n \u2022 Let your spouse know the effect the infidelity has had on you and on others.\n\n \u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death.\u201d (Proverbs 18:21)\n\n \u2022 Pray for and expect God to bring consequences into your spouse\u2019s life. Refuse to have a vengeful spirit, but choose to look to God to work in His own way.\n\n \u201cFor a man\u2019s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.\u201d (Proverbs 5:21\u201323)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband walked away from our family and has been unfaithful. Now he wants to come back. In spite of our hurt, the children and I still love him. When I asked him to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, he accused me of not being a forgiving or compassionate Christian. He says I\u2019m being punitive\u2014I think I\u2019m being practical. What is right?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Your husband is simply using the \u201cblame game\u201d to avoid his responsibility to be tested. He is blaming you instead of blaming himself for putting you in this precarious position. He needs to accept the proper consequences of his promiscuity: the mandatory testing for sexually transmitted diseases. If your husband has contracted AIDS and if you also become infected, your children will needlessly suffer the severe sickness and loss of two parents.\n\n Maintain your focus to do what is best for your family, and refuse to be manipulated. Keep your boundary of the marriage bed until he complies.\n\n \u201cMarriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.\u201d (Hebrews 13:4)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nCONFRONTING \u2026 INTERVENTION<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that \u2018every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.\u2019\u00a0\u201d\n (Matthew 18:15\u201316) (Read also Ezekiel 3:18\u201319.)\n\nThe most powerful aspect of a crisis intervention is the group dynamic\u2014there is power in numbers. Usually by the time an intervention is arranged, the injured spouse has pleaded with the offending spouse to stop the adulterous behavior, but sadly the appeal has fallen on deaf ears. In privacy, others may state their concern, but one by one each plea is dismissed. As individuals they are powerless\u2014as a group they are dynamite. In fact, a group can be empowered by God to move the immovable.\n\n \u2022 Pray for wisdom and understanding from the Lord.\n\n \u201cFor the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.\u201d (Proverbs 2:6)\n\n \u2022 Educate yourself regarding various crisis intervention programs and attend meetings on confronting and surviving adultery, marriage enrichment and even chemical dependency (such as Overcomers Anonymous, AA, Al-Anon and Narcotics Anonymous). Read materials on intervention and visit counseling centers.\n\n \u201cBlessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding.\u201d (Proverbs 3:13)\n\n \u2022 Call a counseling office and ask for a referral to a Christian leader trained in marital crisis intervention procedures.\n\n \u201cPlans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.\u201d (Proverbs 15:22)\n\n \u2022 Meet with an intervention specialist to plan the approach. Discussion needs to include counseling options, insurance coverage and the impact of counseling on the entire family.\n\n \u201cListen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.\u201d (Proverbs 19:20)\n\n \u2022 Enlist the aid of key people who have been directly affected by the adultery, those who can attest to its harmful effects on others and are willing to confront. (Consider caring family members, friends, a doctor, an employer, a coworker or a spiritual leader.)\n\n \u201cA truthful witness saves lives.\u201d (Proverbs 14:25)\n\n \u2022 In absolute confidentiality and without the person present, hold an initial meeting with these key people and a trained leader. Each key person will rehearse with the trained leader what each will say regarding the negative impact of the person\u2019s adultery, how it will be said and in which order each will speak during the confrontation.\n\n \u201cBetter is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.\u201d (Proverbs 27:5\u20136)\n\n \u2022 Hold a second meeting, this time with the person present. One at a time, each key confronter should first express genuine love and concern for the person, followed by the rehearsed individualized confrontation.\n\n \u201cReckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.\u201d (Proverbs 12:18)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nTHE SIX P\u2019S OF APPEAL<\/p>\n\n\n\n
#1 The Personal\n Affirm rather than attack: \u201cI want you to know how much I care about you [or love you] and how terribly concerned I am about you.\u201d\n\n \u201cDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.\u201d (Ephesians 4:29)\n\n #2 The Past\n Give recent examples describing specific negative behavior and the hurt it caused you: \u201cLast night when you failed to come home and spend time with me as you used to do, I felt so unimportant to you.\u201d\n\n \u201cA truthful witness gives honest testimony.\u201d (Proverbs 12:17)\n\n Be brief, keeping examples to three or four sentences.\n\n \u201cA man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.\u201d (Proverbs 17:27)\n\n #3 The Pain\n Emphasize the painful impact by using \u201cI\u201d statements: \u201cI was devastated that you failed to make me and your commitment to me a priority.\u201d\n\n \u201cA wise man\u2019s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.\u201d (Proverbs 16:23)\n\n #4 The Plea\n Give a personal plea for your loved one to receive counseling: \u201cI plead with you to get the help you need to break away from this sinful and idolatrous relationship. If you are willing, you will have my deepest respect.\u201d\n\n \u201cThe tongue has the power of life and death.\u201d (Proverbs 18:21)\n\n #5 The Plan\n Be prepared to implement an immediate plan if counseling is accepted: \u201cYou have been accepted into the counseling program at , and have agreed to be your accountability partners.\u201d\n\n \u201cRescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, \u2018But we knew nothing about this,\u2019 does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?\u201d (Proverbs 24:11\u201312)\n\n #6 The Price\n Outline specific consequences if treatment is refused: \u201cWe cannot allow you to come home or be with our family until you have completely walked away from this adulterous relationship and stopped all contact with the other person.\u201d\n\n \u201cStern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.\u201d (Proverbs 15:10)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nTHE DON\u2019TS OF DIALOGUE<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t call names, preach or be judgmental.
\n \u201cLast night you were a totally selfish, insensitive jerk. I don\u2019t know how you can look at yourself in the mirror!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cA man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.\u201d (Proverbs 11:12)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t argue if your facts are disputed, and don\u2019t come to the defense of your spouse when others are confronting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe Lord\u2019s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:24\u201326)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t accept promises with no commitment for immediate action.
\n \u201cI can\u2019t do all that you are asking of me now, but I promise to break off the relationship and start counseling next month.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cA simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps.\u201d (Proverbs 14:15)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t give ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow through on them. Suppose your loved one chooses to continue the adulterous relationship and leaves home. However, after being away for only a short time, your spouse says, \u201cI promise not to be unfaithful again. Just let me come back this one time.\u201d You would be wise to say no. Not until you have had individual counseling and we have both been in marriage counseling long enough for the therapist and me to be convinced that you and I are both ready for you to return.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAbove all, my brothers, do not swear\u2014not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your \u2018Yes\u2019 be yes, and your \u2018No,\u2019 no, or you will be condemned.\u201d (James 5:12)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t overreact\u2014keep your emotions under control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cEveryone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man\u2019s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.\u201d (James 1:19\u201320)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t shield your loved one from facing the consequences of marital infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.\u201d (Galatians 6:7\u20138)\n\nThis second meeting concludes with the spouse either immediately terminating the adulterous relationship and entering a counseling and accountability program or experiencing the consequences of refusing treatment.\n\n\u201cHe who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.\u201d (Proverbs 28:23)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cHow do I draw a boundary when my husband is sexually involved with another woman? I want our marriage to work.\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Be specific about the boundary\u2014he has certainly crossed the line. You might say:\n\n \u201cI love you, and I have been committed to you. But now it\u2019s time for you to make a decision. All boundaries have repercussions and rewards. In the game of football, if you stay within the boundary lines, you get to keep playing\u2014you fully participate in the game. If you\u2019re outside the boundary, the penalty is no participation. Because of your sexual involvement with this other woman, you\u2019ve crossed the boundary. So now, it\u2019s your decision: Do you want to discontinue your participation in our family life or not? If you want our family, you must totally leave her. If you choose her instead of our family, you must leave here.\u201d\n\n Explain that you are not \u201ckicking him out of the house,\u201d but that the decision for leaving is clearly his choice. \u201cFor you to be emotionally or sexually involved with another woman says that you are not committed to our marriage.\u201d This marriage boundary gives him the choice as to whether he reaps the repercussion or the reward. Realize that for him to sexually \u201chave his cake and eat it too\u201d causes further disrespect toward you and further disregard of the marriage covenant. Regardless of his decision, be respectful in the face of his disrespect.\n\n \u201cDo not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.\u201d (Galatians 6:7\u20138)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nCOMING TO GOD \u2026 PRAYER<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.\u201d\n (Philippians 4:6\u20137)\n\n \u2022 Come in thanksgiving for what God has done for you.\n\n \u201cEnter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.\u201d (Psalm 100:4\u20135)\n\n \u2022 Come to God and ask Him to reveal your harmful responses.\n\n \u201cIf you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.\u201d (Matthew 5:23\u201324)\n\n \u2022 Come to receive more love for the offender.\n\n \u201cMy command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.\u201d (John 15:12)\n\n \u2022 Come for strongholds to be broken.\n\n \u201cThe weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.\u201d (2 Corinthians 10:4\u20135)\n\n \u2022 Come for faith that all things are possible.\n\n \u201cAll things are possible with God.\u201d (Mark 10:27)\n\n \u2022 Come consistently and persistently.\n\n \u201cWill not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?\u201d (Luke 18:7)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband was unfaithful to me last year. Is it possible for me to ever trust him again? Is it possible for him to change?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: It is possible for your husband to regain your trust. First he must develop a godly sorrow over his lack of commitment to you and the marriage covenant. Then he needs to identify the key that opened the door to adultery. By both admitting and understanding his weaknesses, he would receive major help to prevent him from walking through that door again. Pray that he will see his sin as God sees it and hate his sin as God does. It is entirely possible for God to change anyone who is willing to have a changed heart.\n\n \u201cFor nothing is impossible with God.\u201d (Luke 1:37)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDIFFICULT QUESTIONS DEALING WITH ADULTERY<\/p>\n\n\n\n
QUESTION: \u201cMy mate was unfaithful to me. Should I stay with my mate? I don\u2019t trust myself to make the right decision because of my painful emotions.\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Before you make this decision, ask yourself these questions:\n\n \u2014 Is this a onetime lack of judgment or a repeated lifestyle?\n \u00bb If it is a lifestyle, then it is an issue of character.\n \u00bb If it was a onetime act, then it is a single act of sin.\n \u2014 Did your spouse take responsibility\u2014or blame you or someone else?\n \u2014 Is there true repentance\u2014a godly sorrow\u2014or is there simply sorrow only at being caught?\n \u2014 What has been done to make restitution? What is your mate doing to avoid straying again? Has all contact been broken?\n\n If recent attitudes and actions are positive, you have the potential for genuine reconciliation and a healthy, productive marriage.\n\n \u201cGodly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.\u201d (2 Corinthians 7:10\u201311)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cFor many years, my husband has been seeing prostitutes and continues to be unfaithful. Must I continue exposing myself to sexual disease? I feel I am setting an example before my children of condoning this behavior. Spiritual leaders say that divorce is not an option\u2014that I must continue to submit to my adulterous husband. Is this right?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: The advice of your spiritual leaders is not Biblically accurate. In Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, Jesus speaks against divorce \u201cexcept for marital unfaithfulness.\u201d Divorce is permitted (not commanded) in instances of adultery. One single instance of unfaithfulness followed by a repentant heart is one thing.\u2026 Risking your health and exposing your children to continuous immorality is another. Since God\u2019s heart for the marriage relationship is reconciliation, if there is a true change in his behavior, your position is to be open and receptive. Pray for God\u2019s leading in your life.\u2026 At the very least, you certainly are permitted to separate from your husband sexually in order to uphold your God-given responsibility to keep the marital bed pure.\n\n \u201cMarriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.\u201d (Hebrews 13:4)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy husband left me for another woman and says he doesn\u2019t want to be married anymore. He refuses to get marriage counseling, but when he comes to see the children, he wants to spend the night with me. Should I let him?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: The spouse who leaves his marriage partner, engages in a sexual union with another woman and refuses marriage counseling should not have marriage privileges. He\u2019s wanting you physically outside of marriage, without the emotional bonding inside of marriage. Realize that the marriage bed is part of the marriage covenant, which is a sacred covenant before God.\n\n \u201cDo not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.\u201d (Matthew 7:6)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cAfter having a two year affair, I became a Christian. Since experiencing a changed life, I\u2019ve been writing to this man, hoping he will be saved. Now I want to be true to the commitment to my husband, but how do I overcome the strong emotions I still feel for this other man?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: You have made a commitment to remain true to your marriage covenant. Since feelings are merely responders to thinking, do not allow your thoughts to dwell on this other man.\u2026 Do not even dwell on his salvation. Ultimately, God is the author of salvation. Stop writing to him about salvation. Most probably, your motive will be misunderstood by others, and your husband will be resentful. Flee your extramarital passions by focusing on being a person of principle and purity.\n\n \u201cFlee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.\u201d (2 Timothy 2:22)\n\n\n QUESTION: \u201cMy friends are beginning divorce proceedings as a result of adultery. In the past I committed adultery and since have experienced a devastating divorce. Is it appropriate for me to try to talk with the offending party about this decision?\u201d\n\n ANSWER: Extending care and concern for a couple on the brink of divorce could possibly save their marriage. The most effective people to help others gain victory in their lives are those who have struggled with the same temptations and have learned valuable truths through those trials. When God guides you to share a personal failure, speak the truth in love. In this way, you can be the Lord\u2019s instrument to communicate the value of consistency and commitment \u2026 and you might save a marriage.\n\n \u201cMy brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.\u201d (James 5:19\u201320)<\/pre>\n\n\n\nDON\u2019T GIVE UP HOPE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.\u201d\n (James 5:19\u201320)<\/pre>\n\n\n\n@book{Hunt_2008,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Adultery: The Snare of an Affair},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2008},
\npages={1\u201324}}<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cFirst seek the counsel of the LORD.\u201d (1 Kings 22:5 NIV) Adultery The Snare of an Affair by June Hunt Has your life been gripped by the agony of adultery? Has your life been forever changed because of the snare of an affair? Marriage was God\u2019s idea. A lifelong commitment to the marriage is God\u2019s … <\/p>\n