I. DEFINITIONS<\/p>\n
On the outside, they look so picture perfect.
\nCathey Brown is raised in a traditional family, each member assuming the public role that communicates normalcy, congeniality, and the classic message: \u201cWe\u2019ve got it all together, everything is great within the walls of our house.\u201d
\nBut behind closed doors things are falling apart \u2026 Cathey\u2019s father suddenly becomes verbally abusive and sometimes even physically violent, a transformation in behavior that terrifies Cathey and shatters her sense of security. Years pass before she connects her parents\u2019 arguments and meltdown of emotions to alcohol\u2014somehow Cathey always feels at fault for the family\u2019s dysfunction, and a sense of inadequacy and powerlessness swells within her spirit.
\nShe strives to compensate \u2026 by overachieving \u2026 avowing to attain perfection and gain significance through top-notch grades in school and commendable extracurricular activities. Cathey feels she can control these areas, but the truth is that her chaotic home life \u2026 is controlling her. Scripture gives direction about who, not what, should be controlling our minds.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:6)<\/p>\n
A. What Is a Dysfunctional Family?<\/p>\n
There is truth to the old adage \u2026 appearances can be deceiving.
\nSome envision alcoholics as skid row bums, languishing on dirty city streets while downing liquor from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. Statistics indicate only 3% of alcoholics fit this image.
\nCathey\u2019s father always holds down a job and responsibly meets most of the family\u2019s financial needs. However, there is no doubt that his drinking diminishes his ability to fully function as a father and husband and negatively affects the entire family\u2019s emotional health.
\nThe number one obstacle for alcoholics and their families to receive healing from all forms and causes of dysfunction is denial. Unfortunately, a sense of shame and embarrassment in disclosing neediness prevents or delays enlisting the help and prayers of others\u2014precisely what is necessary to no longer remain a dysfunctional family.
\nScripture directs \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cTherefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.\u201d
\n(James 5:16)<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dysfunctional family is one in which improper and immature behavior of at least one parent damages the growth of individuality and the development of healthy relational skills among family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dysfunctional family is one in which family members are impaired emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A dysfunctional family is one in which all members are so emotionally and psychologically connected to one another that everyone is negatively impacted when only one family member experiences harm or encounters a problem.<\/p>\n
Scripture warns about fostering dysfunction within one\u2019s family.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoever brings ruin on their family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 11:29)<\/p>\n
B. What Is a Functional Family?<\/p>\n
Cathey Brown longs for a functional family, where healthy interpersonal relationships are nurtured and where problems are addressed rather than avoided.
\nIn order to cope and adapt, children of alcoholics will either draw attention to or away from themselves. As a child, Cathey strives to gain attention by performing seemingly perfectly in hopes that parental approval and her good behavior might distract from the preoccupation with alcohol. Children like Cathey also feel responsibility for the well-being of the family and focus on being problem fixers with the goal of becoming a functional family.
\nCathey knows now that she never had the resources to meet her family\u2019s desperate need, but there is One who is eager to give strength from His unlimited resources and to transform dysfunctional families into functional families.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cLook to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.\u201d
\n(1 Chronicles 16:11)<\/p>\n
THE FUNCTIONAL FAMILY IS A CULTIVATING FAMILY!<\/p>\n
\u2022 A functional family is one in which proper and mature behavior of two parents cultivates a healthy balance between embracing individuality and embellishing relational skills among family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A functional family is one in which healthy emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth is cultivated among family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 A functional family is one in which individual family members cultivate the ability to face problematic situations specific to them with personal confidence in God and self and with the general support of other family members.<\/p>\n
Functional families cultivate confidence in God, which instills hope and confidence in children.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.\u201d
\n(Psalm 71:5)<\/p>\n
C. What Are Dysfunctional Family Roles?<\/p>\n
When it comes to the various roles children play in order to cope, Cathey says the least likely to get help are the \u201cheroes\u201d like herself because they have the appearance of \u201chaving it all together.\u201d The achievements \u2026 the ensuing accolades \u2026 fool people into thinking these children are emotionally healthy and do not need special attention.
\n\u201cScapegoats,\u201d on the other hand, are the most likely to get help because they purposely draw attention to themselves, frequently through negative behavior to divert attention away from major family problems. They are obviously troubled, thus special attention is directed their way to improve emotional health and to change behavior.
\nThe heart of God is to bring healing to every child and to deliver every family from debilitating dysfunction.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cHe heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.\u201d
\n(Psalm 147:3)<\/p>\n
PARENTS<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Dependent Parent \u2026
\nThe overinvolved, possessive parent is inconsistent and utilizes manipulative maneuvers to control children, along with additional forms of immature behavior to the detriment of other family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Dictatorial Parent \u2026
\nThe overcontrolling, inflexible parent is performance-based and utilizes criticism to condemn children, along with additional forms of oppressive behavior to the detriment of other family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Doting Parent \u2026
\nThe overprotective, indulgent parent is lacking in boundaries and utilizes rescuing to cajole children, along with additional forms of seemingly helpful behavior to the detriment of other family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Demanding Parent \u2026
\nThe overdirective, conformist parent is overbearing and utilizes guilt and shame to conform children, along with additional forms of pressure-filled behavior to the detriment of other family members.<\/p>\n
CHILDREN<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Responsible Child
\nThe \u201chero\u201d tries to fix the family problems and help create a positive family image with noteworthy achievement. This child receives positive attention but often develops perfectionistic, compulsive behaviors.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Rebellious Child
\nThe \u201cscapegoat\u201d draws focus away from the family problems and onto their own personal problems by engaging in rebellious, uncontrollable behavior. This child consumes time and energy from the family members and often develops self-destructive life patterns.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Reclusive Child
\nThe \u201clost child\u201d hopes that by ignoring family problems, the difficulties will disappear. This child avoids attention and would like to just \u201cfade into the woodwork.\u201d Reclusive children spend a lot of time alone and, therefore, are often lonely and withdrawn. They don\u2019t want to rock the boat.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Reveling Child
\nThe \u201cmascot\u201d uses humor and antics to direct the focus away from family problems. This child is often hyperactive and usually seeks to be the center of attention.<\/p>\n
ROLE REVERSAL<\/p>\n
\u2022 Children once did whatever they could to please their parents.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Parents now do whatever they can to please their children.<\/p>\n
However, the Bible says \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cChildren, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.\u201d
\n(Colossians 3:20)<\/p>\n
REPEATING PAST PATTERNS<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cI grew up in a messed up family, and I am now repeating many patterns from the past. What should I do?\u201d
\nANSWER: Ask the Lord to give you discernment in identifying which patterns need to be changed and wisdom in selecting several action steps that will enable you to move toward emotional health and healing. Tell those closest to you that you want to give up these unhealthy, childhood ways of thinking, reasoning, and acting from the past. Ask them to help hold you accountable.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:11).<\/p>\n
DEFINE ACA<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cWhat is meant by ACA?\u201d
\nANSWER: Children who grow up in homes with an alcoholic parent generally take on certain predictable and identifiable roles in the family in an effort to cope with the family\u2019s painful dysfunction. Unless efforts are extended to exchange these survival roles for functional healthy ways of dealing with family problems, children continue to play out these roles in adulthood \u2026 even after they have left their dysfunctional home environment. Although no longer children, because they still act the same way they acted as children, they are often referred to as ACA or ACOA, meaning \u201cadult children of alcoholics.\u201d
\n\u201cBrothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults\u201d (1 Corinthians 14:20).<\/p>\n
D. What Is God\u2019s Heart on the Dysfunctional Family?<\/p>\n
God chose a man named Abram. God gave Abram a family, and from that family tree\u201442 generations later\u2014God chose to bring forth Jesus, the Son of God, the Son of Man, the Savior of the world. Through faith in Jesus, we become part of God\u2019s family.
\nGod is first and foremost relational. He designed the marriage relationship between a husband and wife to represent the relationship Christ has with His bride\u2014the church. Similarly, our family relationships can reflect the relationship that God desires to have with His children.
\nA glimpse into the lineage of Christ reveals one dysfunctional family after another, making it evident that God\u2019s heart on the dysfunctional family is one of love and redemption. His heart is that every family become functional through His Spirit living in each individual member, creating one family unit with God ruling and reigning in it and over it.<\/p>\n
\u201cThus there were fourteen generations in all from Abraham to David, fourteen from David to the exile to Babylon, and fourteen from the exile to the Messiah.\u201d
\n(Matthew 1:17)<\/p>\n
GOD\u2019S HEART ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FAMILY<\/p>\n
\u2022 Provides the basis of forming genealogical records
\n\u201cSo my God put it into my heart to assemble the nobles, the officials and the common people for registration by families\u201d (Nehemiah 7:5).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Verifies the lineage of Jesus Christ
\n\u201cJoseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child\u201d (Luke 2:4\u20135).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Identifies the relationship believers have with Christ
\n\u201cBoth the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters\u201d (Hebrews 2:11).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Displays the wisdom of God to rulers and authorities in the heavens
\n\u201cHis intent was that now, through the church [the family of God], the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms\u201d (Ephesians 3:10).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Applies God\u2019s Word to life\u2019s problems
\n\u201cIn Jerusalem also, Jehoshaphat appointed some of the Levites, priests and heads of Israelite families to administer the law of the LORD and to settle disputes. And they lived in Jerusalem\u201d (2 Chronicles 19:8).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Confirms that it is worth fighting for
\n\u201c\u2026 Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes\u201d (Nehemiah 4:14).<\/p>\n
GOD\u2019S HEART ON THE ROLE OF FAMILY<\/p>\n
\u2022 Rejoices together in God\u2019s blessings
\n\u201cThere, in the presence of the LORD your God, you and your families shall eat and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the LORD your God has blessed you\u201d (Deuteronomy 12:7).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Supports the local church
\n\u201cThen the leaders of families \u2026 gave willingly. They gave toward the work on the temple of God \u2026\u201d (1 Chronicles 29:6\u20137).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Gives regularly to God\u2019s work
\n\u201cThey set aside the burnt offerings to give them to the subdivisions of the families of the people to offer to the LORD, as it is written in the Book of Moses. They did the same with the cattle\u201d (2 Chronicles 35:12).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Provides for individual family members
\n\u201cAnyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever\u201d (1 Timothy 5:8).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Does good to everyone, especially to God\u2019s family
\n\u201cTherefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers\u201d (Galatians 6:10).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Loves God\u2019s family
\n\u201cAnd in fact, you do love all of God\u2019s family throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers and sisters, to do so more and more\u201d (1 Thessalonians 4:10).<\/p>\n
GOD\u2019S HEART ON THE PURPOSE OF FAMILY<\/p>\n
\u2022 Praises the attributes of God
\n\u201cAscribe to the LORD, all you families of nations, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength\u201d (Psalm 96:7).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Practices Christianity
\nIf a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God\u201d (1 Timothy 5:4).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Promotes impartiality
\n\u201cThe families of the oldest brother were treated the same as those of the youngest\u201d (1 Chronicles 24:31).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Participates in regularly scheduled group Bible studies
\n\u201cOn the second day of the month, the heads of all the families, along with the priests and the Levites, gathered around Ezra the teacher to give attention to the words of the Law\u201d (Nehemiah 8:13).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Portrays humility before God
\n\u201cAll the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him\u201d (Psalm 22:27).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Protects against loneliness
\n\u201cGod sets the lonely in families \u2026\u201d (Psalm 68:6).<\/p>\n
II. CHARACTERISTICS<\/p>\n
The hero \u2026 the scapegoat \u2026 the lost child \u2026 the clown.\u2026
\nIt is a curious phenomenon that, in case after case, children of alcoholics will assume various roles in order to cope with the stress of being raised by dysfunctional, chemically dependent parents. With Cathey Brown\u2019s bent toward performance and perfectionism, she describes herself as a \u201chero\u201d during her childhood because she methodically is proactive in finding \u201cfixes\u201d for her dysfunctional family situation. Upon realizing she cannot control an out-of-control situation, guilt looms and an increased sense of personal deficiency burdens Cathey\u2019s spirit.
\nThe realization that child \u201cheroes\u201d do not have the power or resources to rescue dysfunctional families is punctuated in Cathey\u2019s life in 1981. Cathey\u2019s mother is admitted to the hospital for internal bleeding, half of her stomach is removed, and it\u2019s all related to excessive alcohol consumption.
\nScripture warns of the dangers and consequences of being consumed by alcohol.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWho has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper.\u201d
\n(Proverbs 23:29\u201332)<\/p>\n
A. What Is a Checklist for Unresolved Conflicts?<\/p>\n
As a grown-up, unresolved conflicts from Cathey\u2019s past lead her to the inconceivable \u2026 the very habits she fights so hard to avoid in childhood end up swallowing her up in adulthood. If Cathey were taking the Checklist for Unresolved Conflicts, she undoubtedly would answer yes to almost every question, recognizing that the pain and heartache of being raised by dysfunctional, chemically dependent parents doesn\u2019t disappear upon turning 21.
\nA traumatic combination of circumstances \u2026 overachieving at work, a divorce, business challenges, and postpartum depression draw Cathey first to chemical dependence on prescription drugs and then to alcohol to further numb herself from painful realities.
\nScripture teaches there is only one true source of peace in the midst of stressful circumstances, and it\u2019s found in the Lord of Peace.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cNow may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.\u201d
\n(2 Thessalonians 3:16)<\/p>\n
If you think you may have some unresolved conflicts from your past, complete the following checklist:<\/p>\n
CHECKLIST FOR UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS FROM YOUR PAST<\/p>\n
Do you fear personal criticism?<\/p>\n
Do you give to others to the extent that it is harmful to you?<\/p>\n
Do you constantly seek approval?<\/p>\n
Do you suppress your emotions?<\/p>\n
Do you lie when you could easily tell the truth?<\/p>\n
Do you feel you must rescue others?<\/p>\n
Do you have difficulty having fun or relaxing?<\/p>\n
Do you confuse pity with love?<\/p>\n
Do you judge yourself too harshly?<\/p>\n
Do you find yourself easily manipulated?<\/p>\n
Do you assume too much responsibility?<\/p>\n
Do you have unresolved anger toward any family member?<\/p>\n
Do you avoid taking personal responsibility for your actions?<\/p>\n
Do you fear abandonment?<\/p>\n
Do you violate your own conscience in order to please others?<\/p>\n
Do you feel you need to control others?<\/p>\n
\u201cTest me, LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind.\u201d
\n(Psalm 26:2)<\/p>\n
B. What Rigid Rules Regulate Dysfunctional Families?<\/p>\n
Rules exist in every area of life\u2014in every part of the universe\u2014whether written or spoken, known or unknown, established by God or by His creations. Rules reign and that is especially evident in dysfunctional families where they are rarely spoken and never written, but are abundantly clear. These rules wield absolute authority over the lives of those they govern.
\nPart of the problem with rules in dysfunctional families is that they are necessarily dysfunctional. They are established and reinforced by dysfunctional parents, instilled in vulnerable children, and disseminated throughout all their relationships. Dysfunctional patterns of behavior never remain in the family but spread out to every relationship.
\nNo one is an island. Dysfunction can spread like a virus from person to person. Paul explained the connections in the family of God, the church, as having many parts yet forming one body.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cJust as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body\u2014whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free\u2014and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.\u2026 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.\u201d
\n(1 Corinthians 12:12\u201314, 26)<\/p>\n
Some of the rigid, damaging rules of dysfunctional families include \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t ever appear weak, wrong, or less than perfect.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever be spontaneously joyful or playful.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever cause problems within the family.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever directly address family issues, relationships, or problems.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever divulge family secrets.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever embarrass the family.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever fail to fully support family members, no matter the circumstances.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever make decisions independent of the family.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever put anyone or anything above the family.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever question or defy parental authority or family rules.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever share personal needs, desires, or feelings.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever speak badly about the family.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever speak to an adult family member without first being spoken to.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t ever talk about sex or other taboo subjects.<\/p>\n
The Bible records both dysfunctional and functional adults following the ways of their parents and those of previous generations.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cHe did evil in the eyes of the LORD, because he followed the ways of his father and mother and of Jeroboam son of Nebat, who caused Israel to sin.\u2026 In everything he followed the ways of his father Asa and did not stray from them; he did what was right in the eyes of the LORD.\u201d
\n(1 Kings 22:52, 43)<\/p>\n
C. What Damage Results from Rigid Family Rules<\/p>\n
Dysfunctional family rules result in dysfunctional family members.
\nBesides producing the four types of roles children play in their homes, rigid destructive rules strike a devastating blow to the soul and spirit of impressionable little ones, twisting and distorting their perceptions of God, self, and others. While our heavenly Father put rules in place for our benefit to protect and produce good in us, dysfunctional family rules are for the benefit of those who set them and bring harm rather than hope to those in bondage to them.
\nJesus valued the children brought to Him, while His own disciples sought to hinder them from receiving the good that Christ had for them. Whether intentionally or not, dysfunctional parents today regard their children as the disciples did back then.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, \u2018Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Luke 18:15\u201316)<\/p>\n
Rigid, dysfunctional rules damage family members to the point that they \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t engage in open, honest communication \u2026
\nBut demonstrate poor communication skills<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t develop meaningful relationships \u2026
\nBut establish enmeshed codependent relationships<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t express personal feelings or opinions \u2026
\nBut lack self-awareness<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t control uncomfortable emotions \u2026
\nBut experience emotional instability, depression, and anxiety<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t rationally solve problems alone \u2026
\nBut are prone to develop obsessions, compulsions, and addictions<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t feel undesirable emotions without guilt and shame \u2026
\nBut engage in self-injurious activities<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t tolerate undesirable thoughts and feelings \u2026
\nBut deny them both<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t experience sexual desires without shame and guilt \u2026
\nBut need to be in control or to be controlled<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t forgive personal mistakes \u2026
\nBut display perfectionist tendencies<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t separate bad behavior from being bad \u2026
\nBut harbor a deep fear of failure<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t develop a positive self-image \u2026
\nBut nurture a poor self-image and depend on others for a sense of self-worth<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t engage in self-disclosure
\nBut protect family secrets<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t value and care for oneself emotionally or relationally
\nBut accept an inordinate amount of mistreatment<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t set appropriate boundaries with toxic people
\nBut crave the approval of others<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t form a separate identity from the family unit
\nBut compete with and create divisions between family members<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t live and enjoy a happy childhood
\nBut feel emotionally empty and struggle with loneliness<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t assume responsibility for personal contentment
\nBut look for happiness in others<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t trust God or people to provide love and security
\nBut attempt to meet emotional needs in inappropriate ways<\/p>\n
Believing and accepting the truth about the depth, breadth, height, durability, and dependability of God\u2019s love is the greatest need of those who live with the damaging effects of rigid, dysfunctional family rules.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cFor I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:38\u201339)<\/p>\n
D. What Characterizes Dysfunctional Family Systems?<\/p>\n
Just as every individual family member is unique in a number of ways from other members, every family has some unique characteristics that set it apart from other families while at the same time continuing to share a host of similar attributes and qualities.
\nThe Bible addresses the uniqueness of all God\u2019s creations from the perspective of a shepherd boy turned king.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother\u2019s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.\u201d
\n(Psalm 139:13\u201314)<\/p>\n
Dysfunctional family systems are characterized by eight dominant traits.\u2026<\/p>\n
#1 Chaos\u2014drama and confusion reign with emotions ruling decision making. Reasoning and self-restraint take a backseat.<\/p>\n
#2 Control\u2014keeping members in compliance with family rules and ideology is critical. Maintaining and supporting the hierarchy is essential to family preservation.<\/p>\n
#3 Denial\u2014obvious family problems are unacknowledged, unaddressed, and unchanged. Lies are accepted as truth, and inappropriate behavior is often ignored.<\/p>\n
#4 Inconsistency\u2014what was said one day is retracted the next. Expectations constantly change, and commitments are easily broken.<\/p>\n
#5 Indifference\u2014emotional support of family members is blatantly lacking unless challenged by outsiders. Children are valued for their devotion and contribution to the family system.<\/p>\n
#6 Instability\u2014emotions quickly fluctuate from happy to sad, pleased to angry. Change is constant and unforeseeable; insecurity runs rampant among family members.<\/p>\n
#7 Shame\u2014members serve as emotional punching bags for each other, with shame being the most effective way of hurting, manipulating, and obtaining compliance.<\/p>\n
#8 Unpredictability\u2014keeping each other guessing is everyone\u2019s long suit; therefore, what is allowed one day is forbidden the next day and what pleases someone today displeases them tomorrow.<\/p>\n
Surely the Lord is the answer to the unmet needs that drive the maladaptive behavior of those who are members of dysfunctional families \u2026 those who are lonely of soul and spirit \u2026 those who feel isolated, disconnected, and emotionally empty.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cSatisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.\u2026 You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.\u201d
\n(Psalm 90:14; 145:16)<\/p>\n
III. CAUSES<\/p>\n
Cathey Brown\u2019s journey into the throes of chemical addiction comes after her daughter, Catherine, is born.
\nA hormonal imbalance leads to anxiety, depression, and a loss of appetite. To remedy this condition, a doctor prescribes a powerful yet addictive drug and also recommends that Cathey drink two glasses of wine a day to relax her stomach muscles and encourage eating. Cathey soon finds herself following in her parents\u2019 footsteps \u2026 focused on the gratification of the moment, not on the consequences of the future.
\n\u201cI struggled with my addiction for a long time,\u201d Cathey recalls. \u201cWhen I got into my own recovery, I learned about the problems that adult children of alcoholics have to deal with. I had grown up in that environment, and finally I had a label for it (ACA). But I suddenly realized that my daughter was at extremely high risk for repeating the same thing.\u201d
\nCathey longs to be set free and to prevent her daughter from being ensnared by chemical dependence.
\nHer experience is like that of the psalmist.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place.\u201d
\n(Psalm 118:5)<\/p>\n
A. What Causes Dysfunctional Families?<\/p>\n
Cathey is familiar with chaotic families and the fact that many times holidays only exacerbate stress-filled environments.
\nAs a child of alcoholics, Cathey remembers tension surrounding the annual dressing of the Christmas tree. \u201cPutting up the Christmas tree was just an unbelievable event because Daddy had to have it perfect and so he would cut off limbs and drill holes and mother would get frustrated and leave the room. We\u2019d get tinsel on the floor and that was a mess. It was just not a joyous occasion.\u201d
\nGrowing up, Cathey realizes that the media images portraying the wonders of Christmas\u2014angelic faces glowing with the gaiety of the holiday season\u2014are not her reality, and her memories haunt her into adulthood and impact her marriage. Cathey recalls becoming belligerent and depressed prior to Christmas \u2026 not showing up for family events and even trying to pick fights with her husband and daughter. Fearing disappointment and failure, she becomes a self-saboteur of sorts, dismantling beforehand what she believes will bring her pain in the long run.
\nYears later, Cathey has gained insight concerning the motivation behind her actions. \u201cPart of it was just being comfortable that I was worthy of people doing things for me, that I was lovable, that I deserved the center of attention.\u201d Cathey adds that she has since learned that it isn\u2019t about \u201cdeserving\u201d special attention, but just letting her family love her for who she is.
\nThe love of Cathey\u2019s family \u2026 mirrors the depth of the love of God.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.\u201d
\n(Exodus 34:6\u20137)<\/p>\n
The truth of Exodus chapter 34 is clearly seen in the fact that the sinful behavior of parents is more often than not passed on to children through the natural process of simulation \u2026 of replicating what they experience. Something cannot come from nothing. Problem behavior does not come from nowhere but often from a home where problem behavior is practiced by adults and picked up by children.
\nMost of us do not exhibit bad behavior because we want to do bad things, but because we have deep-seated inner problems that drive and manifest themselves in outward bad behavior. If you want to change how you act, first change your heart. Jesus said it this way \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is from within, out of a person\u2019s heart, that evil thoughts come\u2014sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.\u201d
\n(Mark 7:21\u201323)<\/p>\n
With youngsters more is caught than taught. Without intervention brought on by a changed heart resulting in changed behavior, dysfunctional behavior will continue to beget dysfunctional behavior.<\/p>\n
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES PRODUCE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Chaotic Family
\n\u2014 Both household and individuals are poorly organized.
\n\u2014 Family is plagued by problems.
\n\u2014 Parents are inconsistent and indecisive.
\n\u2014 Children are emotionally abandoned.<\/p>\n
RESULT:
\nFamily members are not connected.<\/p>\n
REMEDY:
\n\u201c\u2026 a ruler with discernment and knowledge maintains order\u201d (Proverbs 28:2).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Controlling Family
\n\u2014 Structure is overly rigid.
\n\u2014 Tone is authoritative and dictatorial.
\n\u2014 Parents tend to be faultfinding and critical.
\n\u2014 Children are task oriented \u2026 value is placed on their performance.<\/p>\n
RESULT:
\nFamily members are fearful and insensitive.<\/p>\n
REMEDY:
\n\u201cFathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord\u201d (Ephesians 6:4).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Coddling Family
\n\u2014 Parental authority is lacking.
\n\u2014 Feelings are overprotected.
\n\u2014 Disagreements are avoided.
\n\u2014 Children are the center of attention.<\/p>\n
RESULT:
\nFamily members are undisciplined.<\/p>\n
REMEDY:
\n\u201c\u2026 correction and instruction are the way to life\u201d (Proverbs 6:23).<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Codependent Family
\n\u2014 Conformity is strong within the family.
\n\u2014 Self-direction is lacking.
\n\u2014 Parents are overly possessive.
\n\u2014 Children are smothered.<\/p>\n
RESULT:
\nFamily members are insecure.<\/p>\n
REMEDY:
\n\u201cLove the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength\u201d (Deuteronomy 6:5).<\/p>\n
B. What Fosters the Functional Family Style?<\/p>\n
After being raised in a dysfunctional family by alcoholics and later becoming an alcoholic herself, Cathey shares profound and encouraging insights for those struggling down her same path toward a functional family style: \u201cRecovery is a process. It is not an event.\u201d
\nAs Cathey seeks help for her addictions and takes steps toward creating a cultivating family, she is increasingly concerned for her daughter, who could repeat generational patterns of alcoholism. \u201cI discovered a lot of kids like my daughter, kids who needed some type of support group, some type of education, some type of outlet for talking about what was going on in their families, but there was nothing for them. They needed a different way to cope with their background than I had. Somebody needed to teach them that their feelings were okay, and rather than act out or push themselves to the limit as I had done, they could learn how to cope with it.\u201d
\nTo one day be part of a functional, cultivating family \u2026 the fears and needs of children of alcoholics must be addressed in the recovery process. Ministering to children is close to the heart of God.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.\u2019 And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.\u201d
\n(Mark 10:15\u201316)<\/p>\n
\u2022 The Cultivating Family
\n\u2014 Structure and discipline are maintained by parents.
\n\u2014 Individual responsibility is required.
\n\u2014 Love and obedience to God are developed.
\n\u2014 Children are secure.<\/p>\n
RESULT:
\nFamily relationships are balanced.<\/p>\n
REMEDY:
\n\u201cThere, in the presence of the LORD your God, you and your families shall eat and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the LORD your God has blessed you\u201d (Deuteronomy 12:7).<\/p>\n
C. What Causes Dysfunction to Develop in Some Families?<\/p>\n
Since family dysfunction is generally passed down from one generation to the next, determining the point of the dysfunction\u2019s origin may be impossible for many families. Whatever provided the impetus for the deterioration of family interaction was likely a traumatic event that so altered the fabric of the family that its members were unable to recover normalcy and succumbed to dysfunction.
\nThe same process can be seen in an individual who experiences a trauma so impactful it changes the course of the person\u2019s life. The individual\u2019s perceptions of God, self, others, and life as a whole are dramatically altered \u2026 so much so that the person seems to have become \u201canother person\u201d and might even be seen by family members and close friends as now being a \u201cstranger\u201d to them.
\nUnless such life-altering events are examined, processed, and dealt with in a healthy way from a balanced, biblical perspective, healthy normalcy will be lost and a new unhealthy normalcy will give birth to a dysfunctional lifestyle.
\nThe good news is that the opposite is equally true. A traumatic experience has the potential to turn a dysfunctional person into a positive, productive individual. Such was the case with a Hebrew scholar named Saul.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth.\u2026 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, \u2018Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.\u2019 Then I asked, \u2018Who are you, Lord?\u2019 \u2018I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,\u2019 the Lord replied. \u2018Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me.\u2019 \u2026 So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven.\u201d
\n(Acts 26:9, 13\u201316, 19)<\/p>\n
Just as there can be multiple reasons people do the things they do, there can be a multitude of reasons for a family being dysfunctional. For some families, the \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Presence of chemical addiction results in maladaptive behavior<\/p>\n
\u2022 Existence of emotional, physical, or psychological disturbances damages family members<\/p>\n
\u2022 Tolerance of abusive behavior within the family prevents healthy interaction<\/p>\n
\u2022 Adherence to a rigid, dogmatic belief system leads to bondage<\/p>\n
\u2022 Unexpected death of a significant family member creates a crisis of faith that causes chaos<\/p>\n
Whatever dynamic exists within a family that results in dysfunction, the Lord is able to intervene and bring His life-changing truths into that family to transform it into a healthy, functional family through which He can work to transform other families to His praise and glory.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cNow the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord\u2019s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.\u201d
\n(2 Corinthians 3:17\u201318)<\/p>\n
D. What Is the Root Cause for a Dysfunctional Family?<\/p>\n
Cathey is determined to bring dysfunction to a dead end \u2026 with her family.
\nBesides amply providing love and a sense of significance to her daughter, Cathey strives to create a secure environment where Catherine feels free to express her feelings concerning her needs and her family\u2019s struggles. This is atypical for children of alcoholics, where the unspoken message is \u201cwe\u2019re not going to talk about it.\u201d
\nCathey recalls a specific incident where Catherine, as a teenager, freely expresses her feelings through standing by a decision she has made. With a business trip scheduled to California the same weekend as Catherine\u2019s birthday, Cathey had hoped her daughter would join her so they could celebrate together. Catherine doesn\u2019t warm to the idea, but instead prefers to stay home and celebrate with friends. Cathey is gravely disappointed, and admittedly pines: \u201cBut I\u2019m the one that gave birth to you and I want to spend this time with you.\u201d
\nCatherine isn\u2019t swayed, and maturely responds: \u201cWell, Mom I love you and I\u2019m really not saying this to hurt your feelings, but you\u2019re really not going to make me feel guilty about it.\u201d
\nCathey\u2019s disappointment quickly dissipates as she recognizes her daughter\u2019s emotional strength and her healthy ability to express her needs and not buckle under to others\u2019 wishes or demands. Love \u2026 significance \u2026 security \u2026 helping to meet these needs among family members \u2026 is a sure way to drive away dysfunction.
\nScripture encourages \u2026 as we allow God to minister through us.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 10:24)<\/p>\n
3 GOD-GIVEN INNER NEEDS<\/p>\n
In reality, we have all been created with three God-given inner needs: the needs for love, significance, and security.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Love\u2014to know that someone is unconditionally committed to our best interest
\n\u201cMy command is this: Love each other as I have loved you\u201d (John 15:12).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Significance\u2014to know that our lives have meaning and purpose
\n\u201cI cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me\u201d (Psalm 57:2 ESV).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Security\u2014to feel accepted and a sense of belonging
\n\u201cWhoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge\u201d (Proverbs 14:26).<\/p>\n
THE ULTIMATE NEED-MEETER<\/p>\n
Why did God give us these deep inner needs, knowing that people and self-effort fail us?
\nGod gave us these inner needs so that we would come to know Him as our Need-Meeter. Our needs are designed by God to draw us into a deeper dependence on Christ. God did not create any person or position or any amount of power or possessions to meet the deepest needs in our lives. If a person or thing could meet all our needs, we wouldn\u2019t need God! The Lord will use circumstances and bring positive people into our lives as an extension of His care and compassion, but ultimately only God can satisfy all the needs of our hearts. The Bible says \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThe LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 58:11)<\/p>\n
The apostle Paul revealed this truth by first asking, \u201cWhat a wretched man I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?\u201d He then answers his own question by saying he is saved by \u201c\u2026 Jesus Christ our Lord!\u201d (Romans 7:24\u201325).<\/p>\n
All along, the Lord planned to meet our deepest needs for \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Love\u2014\u201cI [the Lord] have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness\u201d (Jeremiah 31:3).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Significance\u2014\u201c \u2018For I know the plans I have for you,\u2019 declares the LORD, \u2018plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future\u2019 \u201d (Jeremiah 29:11).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Security\u2014\u201cThe LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged\u201d (Deuteronomy 31:8).<\/p>\n
The truth is that our God-given needs for love, significance, and security \u2026 can be legitimately met \u2026 in Christ Jesus! Philippians 4:19 makes it plain \u2026 \u201cMy God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 WRONG BELIEF:
\n\u201cMy parents did not give me the unconditional love, significance, and security I needed as a child. Since my past is unchangeable, I can\u2019t change who I am today.\u201d<\/p>\n
RIGHT BELIEF:
\n\u201cMy need for unconditional love, significance, and security is being met by Christ, who lives in me. Although I can\u2019t change my past, I can change my attitude about my past. I will depend on God to empower me to learn healthy ways of relating to my family.\u201d
\n\u201cBear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you\u201d (Colossians 3:13).<\/p>\n
E. What Is an Authentic Relationship with Christ?<\/p>\n
An authentic relationship with Christ \u2026 is never characterized by dysfunction.
\nHis love for you is unfailing and unconditional and is always focused on your highest good. He longs to walk with you through life day by day, moment by moment, all the while working to complete what He has begun in those who belong to Him\u2014transformation into His likeness. Learning how to think like Him \u2026 speak like Him \u2026 act like Him \u2026 is what transformation is all about.
\nYour deepest needs for love, significance, and security can be met only in Christ. Depending on others alone leads only to dysfunction. He is inviting you today into an authentic relationship, but first there are four spiritual truths you need to know.<\/p>\n
4 POINTS OF GOD\u2019S PLAN<\/p>\n
#1 God\u2019s Purpose for You \u2026 is Salvation.
\n\u2014 What was God\u2019s motivation in sending Jesus Christ to earth?
\nTo express His love for you by saving you! The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cGod so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him\u201d (John 3:16\u201317).
\n\u2014 What was Jesus\u2019 purpose in coming to earth?
\nTo forgive your sins, to empower you to have victory over sin, and to enable you to live a fulfilled life! Jesus said \u2026
\n\u201cI have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly\u201d (John 10:10 NKJV).<\/p>\n
#2 Your Problem \u2026 is Sin.
\n\u2014 What exactly is sin?
\nSin is living independently of God\u2019s standard\u2014knowing what is right, but choosing what is wrong. The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cIf anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn\u2019t do it, it is sin for them\u201d (James 4:17).
\n\u2014 What is the major consequence of sin?
\nSpiritual death, eternal separation from God. Scripture states \u2026
\n\u201cYour iniquities [sins] have separated you from your God.\u2026 The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord\u201d (Isaiah 59:2; Romans 6:23).<\/p>\n
#3 God\u2019s Provision for You \u2026 is the Savior.
\n\u2014 Can anything remove the penalty for sin?
\nYes! Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins. The Bible says \u2026
\n\u201cGod demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us\u201d (Romans 5:8).
\n\u2014 What is the solution to being separated from God?
\nBelief in (entrusting your life to) Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father. Jesus says \u2026
\n\u201cI am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.\u2026 Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved \u2026\u201d (John 14:6; Acts 16:31).<\/p>\n
#4 Your Part \u2026 is Surrender.
\n\u2014 Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.\u2026
\n\u201cJesus said to his disciples, \u2018Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross [die to your own self-rule] and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?\u2019 \u201d (Matthew 16:24\u201326).
\n\u2014 Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your \u201cgood works\u201d as a means of earning God\u2019s approval.\u2026
\n\u201cIt is by grace you have been saved, through faith\u2014and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God\u2014not by works, so that no one can boast\u201d (Ephesians 2:8\u20139).<\/p>\n
The moment you choose to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior\u2014entrusting your life to Him\u2014He comes to live inside you. Then He gives you His power to live the fulfilled life God has planned for you. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person God created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:<\/p>\n
PRAYER OF SALVATION
\n\u201cGod, I want a real relationship with You.
\nI admit that many times I\u2019ve chosen to go my own way instead of Your way.
\nPlease forgive me for my sins.
\nJesus, thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins.
\nCome into my life to be my Lord and my Savior.
\nChange me from the inside out and make me the person
\nYou created me to be.
\nIn Your holy name I pray. Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n
WHAT CAN YOU NOW EXPECT?<\/p>\n
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, look at what God says!<\/p>\n
\u201cHis divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.\u201d
\n(2 Peter 1:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION<\/p>\n
The year 1981 proves to be a pivotal one for Cathey Brown.
\nNot only does her mother experience the traumatic stomach surgery traced directly to excessive alcohol consumption, but her doctor looks Cathey squarely in the eye and admonishes: \u201cIf you continue to drink, in 10 years you\u2019ll be where your mother is now.\u201d
\nA second sobering wake-up call comes while watching a television program featuring former First Lady Betty Ford\u2019s struggles with alcohol and the anticipated opening of the Betty Ford Center. \u201cI began to think for the first time that if a former First Lady could have this problem and be so public about it, that maybe I wasn\u2019t so bad, maybe I could do something about my problem.\u201d
\nBut Cathey soon learns that not only can she not do \u201csomething\u201d about her problem, she can\u2019t do \u201canything\u201d about it. Rather, she must desperately rely on the help of Someone else.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI lift up my eyes to the mountains\u2014where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.\u201d
\n(Psalm 121:1\u20132)<\/p>\n
A. Key Verses to Memorize<\/p>\n
John 8:31\u201332<\/p>\n
Cathey discovers the truth \u2026 and the truth eventually sets her free.
\nIt is a sweet surrender, experienced only after acknowledging that in her own strength she can not defeat the dysfunction spawned by generational patterns of alcoholism. \u201cI tried to study my way out of it,\u201d Cathey muses. \u201cI tried to rationalize my way out of it. I tried to bargain my way out of it. But finally, one day when I was in my office by myself, I just got down on my knees and cried my heart out: \u2018God, I can\u2019t do this! You have to do it, and I don\u2019t know what else to do except turn it over to you.\u2019 The next morning I woke up\u2014I\u2019ll never forget the date, April 17, 1981\u2014and I just had this feeling in my heart that I wasn\u2019t going to drink anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.\u201d
\n(John 8:31\u201332)<\/p>\n
B. Key Passage to Read<\/p>\n
Breaking Free of Family Failures<\/p>\n
Five chapters in the book of Genesis record the account of how God uses one son of a dysfunctional family to dramatically and forever change, not just one, but 11 dysfunctional family members.\u2026 Joseph\u2019s story in Genesis is a biblical portrait of what God can do in dysfunctional family relationships when one family member is yielded to God.<\/p>\n
GENESIS CHAPTER 37
\nJOSEPH\u2019S DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY<\/p>\n
Joseph is the eleventh son of Jacob, born in his old age, born by the wife he adored. Jacob loves Joseph more than any of his other older sons. When Joseph\u2019s older brothers see their father favoring him over them, they seethe with jealousy and anger. In their vengeance they sell Joseph into slavery. Clearly, their family exhibits \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Poor communication
\n\u2022 Partiality
\n\u2022 Jealousy
\n\u2022 Dishonesty
\n\u2022 Anger
\n\u2022 Vengefulness
\n\u2022 Disloyalty
\n\u2022 Bitterness<\/p>\n
GENESIS CHAPTERS 39 AND 41
\nJOSEPH\u2019S WALK WITH THE LORD<\/p>\n
In spite of the mistreatment Joseph received at the hands of his angry brothers, he refused to allow their betrayal to make him an angry and bitter man. Instead, he chose by an act of his will to remain \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Yielded to God\u2019s ways
\n\u2022 Obedient to authority
\n\u2022 Trustworthy
\n\u2022 Morally pure
\n\u2022 Faithful
\n\u2022 Honest
\n\u2022 Humble
\n\u2022 Consistent<\/p>\n
GENESIS CHAPTER 42
\nJOSEPH\u2019S RESPONSE TO HIS FAMILY<\/p>\n
When Joseph was reunited with his brothers through the providence of God, he harbored no desire for revenge, no compulsion to get even, no attempt to do them harm. Again, by an act of his will, he chose to be \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Giving
\n\u2022 Forgiving
\n\u2022 Honoring<\/p>\n
GENESIS CHAPTER 50
\nJOSEPH\u2019S RESPONSE TO GOD<\/p>\n
At the death of their father, Joseph\u2019s older brothers again feared he would pay them back for all the wrongs they had done to him. But Joseph chose to focus not on the harm they had intended for him, but on the good God intended for them all. Thus Joseph\u2019s attitude toward God was \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Willing
\n\u2022 Persevering
\n\u2022 Faithful<\/p>\n
DON\u2019T BE A PRISONER OF YOUR PAST!<\/p>\n
Like Joseph, choose to have God\u2019s mind-set toward those who have injured you.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.\u2026\u201d
\n(Genesis 50:20)<\/p>\n
C. How to Have a Transformed Life<\/p>\n
There is an adage in Christian ministry\u2014God can use your \u201cmess\u201d to become your message, and He can use your \u201ctest\u201d to become your testimony.
\nThat is certainly Cathey Brown\u2019s experience, drawing from her own personal pain to devote herself to helping transform the lives of others. Cathey has reached the target thousands upon thousands of times, establishing through Rainbow Days a curriculum-based support group program for counseling the dysfunctional children of alcoholics.
\nCathey remembers a precious moment when she was leading a group and a 7-year-old girl comes running toward her exclaiming, \u201cCathey, Cathey guess what!\u201d Cathey appropriately responds, \u201cWhat?\u201d The little girl recounts that her father is an alcoholic and her mother divorced him, then married another man who also is an alcoholic, but the little girl\u2019s mood continues to be remarkably upbeat. \u201cWell, guess what,\u201d she continues most assuredly, \u201cwhen I grow up I don\u2019t have to marry an alcoholic.\u201d
\nGod\u2019s Word assures us that through the good times and the bad, God is unfolding a perfect plan.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:28)<\/p>\n
REACHING THE TARGET: TRANSFORMATION!<\/p>\n
Target #1\u2014A New Purpose: God\u2019s purpose for me is to be conformed to the character of Christ.
\n\u201cThose God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son \u2026\u201d (Romans 8:29).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to be conformed to the character of Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
Target #2\u2014A New Priority: God\u2019s priority for me is to change my thinking.
\n\u201cDo not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind\u201d (Romans 12:2).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to line up my thinking with God\u2019s thinking.<\/p>\n
Target #3\u2014A New Plan: God\u2019s plan for me is to rely on Christ\u2019s strength, not my strength, to be all He created me to be.
\n\u201cI can do all things through him who strengthens me\u201d (Philippians 4:13 ESV).
\n\u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever it takes to fulfill His plan in His strength.\u201d<\/p>\n
THE FREEDOM FORMULA<\/p>\n
A New Purpose
\n+ A New Priority
\n+ A New Plan
\nA Transformed Life<\/p>\n
MY PERSONALIZED PLAN<\/p>\n
Life is a series of choices! I cannot embrace the functional freedom God has planned for me until I make the choice to release the hold dysfunction has on me. My life cannot be filled with the positive blessings of functionality until I choose to empty it of the negative practices of dysfunctionality. My heart cannot be filled with the hope of functionality until I choose to empty it of the despair of dysfunctionality.
\nIf I choose to put away the past and embrace the future, then I will have to choose to take my God by the hand and walk through the following steps with Him.\u2026<\/p>\n
HOW TO PUT AWAY THE PAST:<\/p>\n
I will \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give myself time to grieve the past.
\n\u2014 Pray for God to reveal my grief.
\n\u2014 Choose to be honest about my pain.
\n\u2014 Give myself permission to grieve.
\n\u2014 List all my painful experiences and then write the word \u201cpast\u201d by each one.
\n\u201cVery truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy\u201d (John 16:20).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give up my need to be controlling.
\n\u2014 Recognize that God has ultimate control.
\n\u2014 Trust in God\u2019s sovereign rule over my relationships.
\n\u2014 Submit to God\u2019s control of my personal life.
\n\u2014 Rest in God\u2019s love and care for me.
\n\u201cCast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken\u201d (Psalm 55:22).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give Christ first place in my heart.
\n\u2014 Ask Jesus to be Lord of my life.
\n\u2014 Accept His forgiveness and love.
\n\u2014 Be aware of His constant presence within me.
\n\u2014 Allow Him to lead in all I say and do.
\n\u201cWhoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it\u201d (Luke 9:23\u201324).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give God thanks for my past.
\n\u2014 Know that God will be faithful to heal me.
\n\u2014 Recognize that difficult relationships mature me.
\n\u2014 Look for positive ways God can use the pain in my life.
\n\u2014 Focus on developing the character of Christ within me.
\n\u201cGive thanks in all circumstances; for this is God\u2019s will for you in Christ Jesus\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:18).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give attention to how I responded to my circumstances as a child. Was I \u2026
\n\u2014 The responsible child?
\n\u2014 The rebellious child?
\n\u2014 The reclusive child?
\n\u2014 The reveling child?
\n\u201cThe heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out\u201d (Proverbs 18:15).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give thought to my present dysfunctional characteristics.
\n\u2014 Pray for God to reveal my weaknesses.
\n\u2014 Pray for wisdom to understand how to change.
\n\u2014 Pray that I will draw on Christ, who is my strength, to make changes.
\n\u2014 Pray for wise and discerning friends to enlighten and encourage me.
\n\u201cSearch me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting\u201d (Psalm 139:23\u201324).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give consideration to my God-given rights.
\n\u2014 I have the right to obey God rather than others.
\n\u2014 I have the right to a clear conscience.
\n\u2014 I have the right to follow the Word of God.
\n\u2014 I have the right to live in my God-appointed role.
\n\u201cWe must obey God rather than human beings!\u201d (Acts 5:29).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give myself boundaries.
\n\u2014 Define who I am: \u201cI am a child of God,\u201d and who I am not: \u201cI am not a piece of property.\u201d
\n\u2014 Refuse to be manipulated or mistreated and learn to say, \u201cNo.\u201d
\n\u2014 Stop playing the victim: \u201cAs an adult, I am not powerless.\u201d
\n\u2014 Stop blaming others and do not seek their approval: \u201cI\u2019ll take responsibility for my own behavior.\u201d
\n\u201cAm I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ\u201d (Galatians 1:10).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give up resentment.
\n\u2014 Consider the consequences of unforgiveness.
\n\u2014 Confess my own areas of unforgiveness.
\n\u2014 Contemplate the sins for which I have received forgiveness.
\n\u2014 Choose to forgive and keep on choosing to forgive.
\n\u201cBe kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you\u201d (Ephesians 4:32).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Give time to restoring healthy family relationships.
\n\u2014 Be the one to begin rebuilding relationships.
\n\u2014 Be willing to spend quality time in order to develop healthy relationships.
\n\u2014 Be generous with grace toward others whose attitudes and actions are negative.
\n\u2014 Be a channel of God\u2019s unconditional love and acceptance to others.
\n\u201cIf you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift\u201d (Matthew 5:23\u201324).<\/p>\n
D. How to Take Care of Yourself<\/p>\n
If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you likely never learned how to take care of yourself but only how to take care of others and how to manipulate others to take care of you in return. In order to move from dysfunction to functioning as a healthy adult, it is imperative that you switch from being dependent on others to being actively dependent on God to meet your needs. That means you will enter into a partnership with God in which you will work together with Him toward attaining maturity, which will result in your learning contentment and experiencing fulfillment.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.\u201d
\n(Philippians 4:12)<\/p>\n
As you practice depending on God through developing a deepening relationship with Him, cooperate with Him by doing your part in assuming some responsibilities for yourself.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Claim your identity in Christ as a worthwhile person, one for whom He died and now lives within.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Learn to identify your needs and wants by asking God for insight and by understanding your basic needs for love, significance, and security.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Make the effort every day to do something to help meet your needs, such as reading Scriptures that emphasis your significance to God, having a meaningful conversation with a friend, or doing a good deed for someone.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Realize that feelings are merely feelings. It is how you express them that is right or wrong<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow yourself to have painful feelings. Remind yourself that feelings are not fatal no matter how much you may hurt inside from wrongs done to you or expectations that are not met.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Welcome pleasant feelings, hold on to them, and relish in them.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look for things to do and people to be with that make you laugh.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Improve your self-image by learning a new skill, taking a class, or improving your personal appearance.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Spend time and money on yourself by reading a favorite book, buying something you like, or doing something you enjoy.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Feel good about your accomplishments at work, at home, at church, and in relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Begin prioritizing significant people and meaningful activities and learn to say no to all that would keep you from saying yes to God.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Practice telling others that you care about them but that you are responsible to God to care for yourself as well: \u201cI really do care about you and would like to be with you, but I have some responsibilities I must take care of. Neglecting them would be bad for me and displeasing to God. Let\u2019s plan something else another time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Stop seeking to control others or allowing them to control you. Instead seek freedom in your relationships.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Guard against engaging in obsessions or compulsive behaviors by being aware of your thoughts and actions. Illicit the help of others to remind you and hold you accountable.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Take time to focus on God\u2019s love for you and learn to see yourself as He sees you by completing the 31-day devotional Seeing Yourself Through God\u2019s Eyes. Memorize Scriptures that speak of His love for you.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, \u2018Abba, Father.\u2019 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God\u2019s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs\u2014heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.\u201d
\n(Romans 8:14\u201317)<\/p>\n
E. How to Deal with Your Own Dysfunction<\/p>\n
If the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, the way to change a family is by changing one member at a time, and that member is you \u2026 the only one you can change. Given the enmeshed system of a dysfunctional family, just one member can rock the boat enough to create a tidal wave. The key is knowing whether to rock the boat or get out of it.
\nIt takes enormous courage and determination to try to become functional while maintaining close ties with a dysfunctional family of origin. The ties that bind the members together can choke the life out of one who seeks to struggle against them in an attempt to become free of them. For many, freedom can come only when distance creates a loosening of the cords so that there is room for movement.
\nIf you desire to truly walk in the freedom Christ purchased for you, you will have no choice but to cut the cords that hold you and every member of your family in bondage to one another. It is impossible to find your true identity in Christ while remaining bound to a family system that is based on owning you and providing your identity for you. God\u2019s Word is clear \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shall have no other gods before me.\u2026
\n(Exodus 20:3)<\/p>\n
As you follow Christ as your Lord and Master \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Acknowledge the dysfunction within your family and particularly your own personal dysfunction.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Admit to God, yourself, and at least one other trustworthy, functional person that you have a problem.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t attempt to change anyone but yourself, the only person you can change.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Believe that you can change with the power of God working in and through you.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Memorize and repeat Psalm 25:15 \u2026 \u201cMy eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 Refuse to take on the responsibilities for other family members.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Focus on your own feelings, coping mechanisms, and the role(s) you play within your family.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Construct positive, biblical roles of your own choosing for your life now.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Look at your own character defects.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Determine what you can do to improve your life.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Identify and list behaviors that enable the dysfunction to continue.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Join a 12-step program or other support group if appropriate.<\/p>\n
As you seek to change, use these questions for personal reflection and to gain insight.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 What took place in your family as you were growing up?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What roles did you take on? How did they effect you then, and how are they effecting you now?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What messages about yourself did you get from your family?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What beliefs did you form about yourself then? About God? About life? About your family?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What beliefs do you have about yourself today? About God? About life? About your family?<\/p>\n
\u2022 What is the basis for the beliefs you have today?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Does it feel good or bad to be a member of your family today?<\/p>\n
\u2022 How do you feel when you are around your family? Happy? Sad? Angry? Depressed? Shameful? Guilty?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do you feel like a little child or a victim again, or do you feel like an adult?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do you assume any childhood role when you are around your family now?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Did you have anger issues as a child? Do you have them now?<\/p>\n
\u2022 When and why did you start to feel as you do?<\/p>\n
\u2022 As an adult, did you switch your role from being a victim to being an abuser or an addict?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Do these questions stir up feelings in you that reflect current problems in your life or past problems from your family of origin?<\/p>\n
It is important that you share both your past and current feelings of anger and pain with a safe and mature person who can help you process them and release them and your family to God. In releasing them to God, you will find that He will release you and set you free.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cI will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.\u201d
\n(Isaiah 42:6\u20137)<\/p>\n
F. How to Cultivate Your Family for the Future<\/p>\n
Cultivating your family for the future involves sowing seeds of unity, but Cathey knows authentic healing must begin with one collective, \u201ctilling the dirt\u201d act\u2014forgiveness.
\nCathey finds true freedom from her past through forgiveness: forgiving her parents for withholding a nurturing childhood, forgiving her dad for his abuse, and forgiving herself for her own sins and shortcomings. And what has blossomed for Cathey as a result of deliberately choosing to forgive is a fresh, new way to love her parents and to receive their love.
\nForgiveness is more often than not the starting point for restoring relationships, and it is critical for cultivating emotionally and spiritually healthy families. The Bible reiterates our need to forgive time and time again, even endlessly according to the following Scriptures.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThen Peter came to Jesus and asked, \u2018Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?\u2019 Jesus answered, \u2018I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.\u2019 \u201d
\n(Matthew 18:21\u201322)<\/p>\n
As you endeavor to cultivate the hearts of family members \u2026<\/p>\n
\u2022 Emphasize the uniqueness of each individual family member.
\n\u2014 Observe family members and identify two or three positive actions, attitudes, or other attributes that distinguish each one from the others.
\n\u2014 Find an opportunity to compliment each relative in private, express your pride in them for exhibiting Christlike qualities and your appreciation of their individual uniqueness and positive example.
\n\u201cEven so the body is not made up of one part but of many. Now if the foot should say, \u2018Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,\u2019 it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, \u2018Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,\u2019 it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?\u201d (1 Corinthians 12:14\u201317).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Seek togetherness, but also encourage individuality.
\n\u2014 Plan some family projects that will utilize the strengths and skills of each individual family member.
\n\u2014 Have regularly scheduled family meetings, and at least one time a month celebrate individual accomplishments of family members.
\n\u201cThere are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good\u201d (1 Corinthians 12:4\u20137).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Maintain consistency in the messages you communicate.
\n\u2014 Practice what you preach by making sure you don\u2019t have one standard for family members and quite another for yourself, or commend a certain behavior one day and condemn it the next.
\n\u2014 Do what you say you will do regarding discipline and unbiased administering of rewards and repercussions toward family members.
\n\u201cOut of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom\u201d (James 3:10\u201313).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Practice immediate but appropriate discipline.
\n\u2014 Establish and administer rewards and repercussions that fit the particular behavior so family members will consider you fair and just.
\n\u2014 Don\u2019t make idle threats but state what will happen when certain actions are taken by family members. Then follow through when you are alone with an offender, explaining that choosing a behavior includes choosing the reward or repercussion associated with the behavior; therefore, you are honoring the person\u2019s choice.
\n\u201cWhoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them\u201d (Proverbs 13:24).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Allow a generous margin for mistakes.
\n\u2014 For the most part disobedience is intentional, whereas mistakes are unintentional and are based on miscommunication, misinformation, or poor judgment. Give people the benefit of the doubt and then clarify instructions and agreements.
\n\u2014 Do not expect perfection from family members but request they aim for excellence by doing the best they can to comply with family agreements and expectations.
\n\u201cBe kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you\u201d (Ephesians 4:32).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Encourage the appropriate expression of feelings.
\n\u2014 Affirm the feelings of family members by acknowledging them and allowing the appropriate expression of them.
\n\u2014 Encourage the healthy expression of feelings that are natural and warranted as a result of sad, difficult, unfair, or hurtful circumstances.
\n\u201cThe purposes of a person\u2019s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out\u201d (Proverbs 20:5).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Promote and develop natural talents and abilities.
\n\u2014 Take note of the individual talents and abilities of family members. Provide opportunities for them to be developed inside and outside the family.
\n\u2014 Engage the family in various athletic, cultural, and social activities that will expose and enhance individual talents and abilities.
\n\u201cStart children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it\u201d (Proverbs 22:6).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Require family members to take responsibility for their own attitudes and actions.
\n\u2014 Do not blame others for your choices, and do not allow members of the family to shirk responsibility for their individual attitudes and actions by trying to blame someone else for their choices.
\n\u2014 Empower family members by impressing on them their individual freedom to think, make decisions, and act for themselves, which makes them personally responsible for the choices they make.
\n\u201cEach one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load\u201d (Galatians 6:4\u20135).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Treat everyone with love and respect.
\n\u2014 Apply Jesus words: \u201cDo to others as you would have them do to you\u201d (Luke 6:31).
\n\u2014 Read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and make a list of the characteristics of love described there. Memorize them and commit to incorporating them in your thoughts and actions toward others.
\n\u201cLove never fails\u201d (1 Corinthians 13:8).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Nurture a dependence on the Lord.
\n\u201cTrust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight\u201d (Proverbs 3:5\u20136).<\/p>\n
G. How to Measure the Amount of Your Anger<\/p>\n
Many children who grow up in dysfunctional families enter adulthood with unresolved anger buried under a history of mistreatment and unmet emotional needs. For many, the connection between their present outbursts of anger and their past dysfunctional childhood is never seen. For others the cause and effect is not only seen and understood but becomes the springboard for change.
\nTaking the time to measure your current anger and connect it to your past is necessary for knowing how to tame your anger and keep it under control.
\nHave you seriously thought about how much anger you are holding inside your heart and toward whom you feel angry? See the following pie-shaped outline. Divide the pie into segments and put a specific name inside each segment to represent the amount of anger you feel toward the different people in your life (past or present). See the sample \u201cAnger Pie,\u201d which shows general categories.
\nAs you think about your own anger, consider what the Bible says.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026 human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.\u201d
\n(James 1:20)<\/p>\n
THE ANGER PIE<\/p>\n
H. How to Work Through Your Sorrow<\/p>\n
Do you feel that your sorrow will never end \u2026 that your loss is a continual source of grief? Moving through the grief process takes time and commitment to \u201cstay the course\u201d until the goal of grief is accomplished\u2014healing. Working through your grief is not an easy task; it is a difficult task that involves dedication. Be assured, God has a plan for you during this season of pain, and God will give you the strength to persevere through the pain.\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.\u201d
\n(Hebrews 10:36)<\/p>\n
\u2022 Grief work involves a step-by-step process through which a grieving person walks in order to reach a place of emotional healing.
\n\u201cThough I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life\u201d (Psalm 138:7).<\/p>\n
\u2022 Grief work \u2026 healthy grief work \u2026 will culminate in \u2026
\n\u2014 Accepting that the past will always be in the past
\n\u2014 Accepting that the present offers stability and significance
\n\u2014 Accepting that the future holds new and promising hope<\/p>\n
In the end you can say, along with the apostle Paul \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWe also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God\u2019s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.\u201d
\n(Romans 5:3\u20135)<\/p>\n
GRIEVING OVER UNFORGIVENESS<\/p>\n
QUESTION: \u201cSomeone close to me died, and now it is too late for me to ask forgiveness for what I did wrong. What can I do about my heavy guilt?\u201d
\nANSWER: You do not have to live with guilt even though the person you wronged is no longer available to you.
\nRealize that God is available to you.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Write down every wrong attitude and action. Then confess your sins to Him.
\n\u2022 Ask God\u2019s forgiveness, realizing that all sins (even against others) are sins against God because He has told us how we are to treat one another.
\n\u2022 Write a letter to the one you wronged, read it aloud, and ask God to forgive you on behalf of the other person.<\/p>\n
God knows your heart, and He can forgive your sins and restore to you a clear conscience.
\n\u201cCreate in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.\u2026 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise\u201d (Psalm 51:10, 17).<\/p>\n
A poor background is a poor excuse for poor behavior.
\nWith the power of Christ within you,
\ndon\u2019t let your past overpower you.
\n\u2014June Hunt<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018For I know the plans I have for you,\u2019 declares the LORD, \u2018plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.\u2019 \u201d (Jeremiah 29:11)<\/p>\n
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION\u00ae, NIV\u00ae
\nCopyright \u00a9 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.\u2122 Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked \u201cNKJV\u2122\u201d are taken from the New King James Version\u00ae.
\nCopyright \u00a9 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
Scripture quotations marked \u201cESV\u2122\u201d are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version\u2122. Copyright \u00a92001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n
The Biblical Counseling Keys should not be construed as a substitute for one-on-one, Christ-centered counseling when needed.<\/p>\n
We acknowledge that mistakes or omissions could occur in our many Scripture references, writings, and citations.
\nAlthough the editors have sought to avoid all errors, some may have been overlooked, for which we take full responsibility.
\nThe considerate reader would render us a great service by calling our attention to any such error.<\/p>\n
To order CDs, resource books, and additional Biblical Counseling Keys on Blended Family, Communication, Divorce, Marriage, Rebellion, Unbelieving Mate, and other related topics, contact HOPE FOR THE HEART \u2022 P.O. Box 7 \u2022 Dallas, TX \u2022 75221 or call toll-free 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).<\/p>\n
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written permission from HOPE FOR THE HEART.
\n\u00a9 2014 HOPE FOR THE HEART<\/p>\n
Please visit our website for License Agreement and Terms and Conditions.
\nwww.HopeForTheHeart.org<\/p>\n
2014.3.31\/8 (NIV)<\/p>\n
FAMILY ROLES<\/p>\n
#1
\nHero Hal
\nThe Responsible Child, \u201cGolden Child\u201d (often the 1st child)
\nHow They Appear
\nHow They Feel
\nHow They Function
\nWithout Emotional Healing
\nWith Emotional Healing
\n\u2022 Incapable of making a mistake\u2014\u201cCan do no wrong!\u201d
\n\u2022 Afraid of failing
\n\u2022 Take over the parental role at a young age
\n\u2022 Driven workaholics and compulsive perfectionists
\n\u2022 Aim for excellence while balancing work and play
\n\u2022 Perfect\u2014\u201cDo everything flawlessly\u201d
\n\u2022 Like failures because they can\u2019t fix the family
\n\u2022 Provide parents with proof that they are good parents
\n\u2022 Riddled with stressrelated illnesses
\n\u2022 Stress the value of enjoyment\u2014far more relaxed
\n\u2022 Performance oriented
\n\u2022 Never satisfied with themselves or others
\n\u2022 Instill in family members a sense of family pride
\n\u2022 Without shame\u2014believe the end justifies the means
\n\u2022 Become good, ethical executives
\n\u2022 Able to \u201cdo it all\u201d\u2014earn awards
\n\u2022 Responsible to keep the family together and functioning
\n\u2022 Impart family worth
\n\u2022 Seeking significance based on what they do not on who they are
\n\u2022 Take responsibility for self\u2014not everyone else
\n\u2022 Desirous of positive attention
\n\u2022 Detached from and unaware of their own emotions
\n\u2022 Enable the family to feel it has value through their successes
\n\u2022 Self-professed failures because they can\u2019t change their families
\n\u2022 Accept individuality in each family member
\n\u2022 Superior in achievements (grades, sports, extracurricular activities)
\n\u2022 Inadequate in every way
\n\u2022 Furnish a change of focus for the family away from its dysfunction
\n\u2022 Self-sufficient and prideful\u2014success makes it almost impossible to admit wrong
\n\u2022 Stress cooperative sharing, admit wrongs, and recognize their need for emotional healing
\n\u2022 Mature and responsible\u2014develop good relations with authority figures
\n\u2022 Extreme shame over family dysfunction
\n\u2022 Prove to the world that their family is functional and successful
\n\u2022 Judgmental of others and themselves
\n\u2022 Learn to accept failure as a part of life<\/p>\n
#2
\nScapegoat Sammy
\nThe Rebellious Child, \u201cBlack Sheep\u201d
\nHow They Appear
\nHow They Feel
\nHow They Function
\nWithout Emotional Healing
\nWith Emotional Healing
\n\u2022 Unable to do anything correctly\u2014\u201cCan do no right!\u201d
\n\u2022 Angry over the injustice they receive
\n\u2022 Take the focus off the dysfunctional parents
\n\u2022 Irresponsible and don\u2019t care
\n\u2022 Accept responsibility gladly and willingly
\n\u2022 Inadequate\u2014\u201cDo nothing good enough,\u201d even if they excel
\n\u2022 Hostile over the hurt they endure from family members
\n\u2022 Provide distractions from real family issues
\n\u2022 Addicts and prone to be prolific liars and troublemakers
\n\u2022 Possess the courage and discipline to change
\n\u2022 Angry\u2014\u201cact out\u201d family problems
\n\u2022 Enraged over the rejection they experience
\n\u2022 Receive the blame for everything bad that happens even if they are not at fault
\n\u2022 Distrusting and cynical, but with a care-free attitude
\n\u2022 Become accepting, fun-loving friend \u201cmakers\u201d
\n\u2022 Determined to cause trouble to get family time and attention
\n\u2022 \u201cEven negative attention\u201d is better than \u201cno attention\u201d
\n\u2022 Give the family cause to say \u201cif this child wasn\u2019t being a problem, we wouldn\u2019t have any problems!\u201d
\n\u2022 Self-destructive and have self-hatred
\n\u2022 Become the first of the family to get the help of a recovery program
\n\u2022 Defiant, strong-willed, and responsible for family troubles
\n\u2022 Compelled to confront family pattern of denial and resist conformity to family dysfunction
\n\u2022 Allow the hero to be \u201cgood\u201d since the scapegoat is \u201cbad.\u201d
\n\u2022 Bitter and unforgiving with a \u201cchip\u201d on their shoulders
\n\u2022 Develop humility and extend forgiveness and grace freely
\n\u2022 Unable to achieve but able to lead others \u2026 in the wrong direction
\n\u2022 The family is ashamed of them
\n\u2022 Provide a dumping ground for every family problem
\n\u2022 Critical and judgmental faultfinders
\n\u2022 Generally become excellent counselors because of their empathy
\n\u2022 Irresponsible and self-destructive (truancy, addictions, teen pregnancy)
\n\u2022 Dejected and like losers
\n\u2022 Carry all the family shame
\n\u2022 Hopeless romantics with little discernment
\n\u2022 Honest and have a high regard for truth<\/p>\n
#3
\nLost Child Linda
\nThe Reclusive Child, \u201cWall Flower\u201d
\nHow They Appear
\nHow They Feel
\nHow They Function
\nWithout Emotional Healing
\nWith Emotional Healing
\n\u2022 Quiet, unsociable, and lacking in initiative
\n\u2022 Ignored, lonely\u2014wish they could fade into the \u201cwoodwork\u201d
\n\u2022 Provide relief for family\u2014\u201cAt least we don\u2019t have problems with this kid!\u201d
\n\u2022 Unwilling to formulate or share opinions
\n\u2022 Become skilled, compassionate listeners
\n\u2022 Shy, weak-willed and of no consequence
\n\u2022 Powerless, like a continuous victim
\n\u2022 Make no emotional or time demands on family
\n\u2022 In denial about their feelings\u2014unable to acknowledge them
\n\u2022 Develop relationships in which feelings are shared and valued
\n\u2022 Unmotivated and apt to procrastinate
\n\u2022 Unneeded, like an unimportant nobody
\n\u2022 Allow family time to attend functions for the hero and solve problems of the scapegoat
\n\u2022 Out of touch with reality and apt to one day find they have missed out on life
\n\u2022 Can be creative and talented\u2014powerful actors\/writers who express their ideas through characters
\n\u2022 Disinterested in family activities and desirous of being alone in their rooms
\n\u2022 Unable to express feelings\u2014they don\u2019t know what they feel!
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t \u201crock the boat\u201d and don\u2019t demand attention
\n\u2022 Not connected with others\u2014not emotionally free to have meaningful relationships
\n\u2022 Might be musicians who communicate their emotions through music
\n\u2022 Fearful of taking risks, of engaging in competitive games, or seeking closeness
\n\u2022 Convinced they \u201chave to avoid conflict and intimacy for self-preservation\u201d
\n\u2022 Make it possible for family to focus on other people and things
\n\u2022 Likely to feel overlooked\u2014like opportunity has passed them by
\n\u2022 Could be artists who reveal their hopes and dreams in their art
\n\u2022 Lost in their thoughts\u2014day dreaming, fantasizing, and losing themselves in a hobby, such as reading a book or watching TV
\n\u2022 Insecure and invisible, like they don\u2019t fit in \u2026 don\u2019t have a place \u2026 don\u2019t play a role \u2026 don\u2019t belong
\n\u2022 Free family from feeling \u201cput upon\u201d by making no requests
\n\u2022 Occupied with their private world and focus on something unrelated to interaction with others
\n\u2022 May become authors who present their thoughts and opinions through writings
\n\u2022 Immature, compliant, childish, and fragile
\n\u2022 Small and worthless yet see others as big and valuable
\n\u2022 Enable family to feel good about having a \u201cno needs\u201d child
\n\u2022 Afraid to get involved with activities that require intimate, social interaction
\n\u2022 Find ways to connect with people and form mutually, intimate relationships<\/p>\n
#4
\nMascot Molly
\nThe Reveling Child, \u201cClown\u201d (often a younger child)
\nHow They Appear
\nHow They Feel
\nHow They Function
\nWithout Emotional Healing
\nWith Emotional Healing
\n\u2022 Friendly\u2014to have an abundance of friends and spend little time at home
\n\u2022 Little self-worth
\n\u2022 Become the \u201csocial director\u201d for the family
\n\u2022 Involved in abusive relationships and \u201csave\u201d others
\n\u2022 Experience the full range of emotions
\n\u2022 Accommodating\u2014go with the flow and unable to own responsibility
\n\u2022 False guilt\u2014blame themselves when they have done no wrong
\n\u2022 Take responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of the family
\n\u2022 Influenced too much by others and easily manipulated
\n\u2022 Learn how to take the lead\u2014stand on principal\u2014no longer easily manipulated
\n\u2022 Funny, cute and attract attention
\n\u2022 Scared of disapproval
\n\u2022 Provide comic relief for the family
\n\u2022 Emotionally stuck\u2014unable to grow up and unaware of how to get their own needs met
\n\u2022 Become kind hearted, generous, able to listen to others
\n\u2022 Hyperactive with short attention span
\n\u2022 Inadequate and unequipped for life
\n\u2022 Distract the family from real problems
\n\u2022 Unable to handle stress and are likely to marry a \u201chero\u201d to take care of them
\n\u2022 Take responsibility for their personal well-being
\n\u2022 To be people pleasers\u2014attention seekers
\n\u2022 Compelled to hide pain with humor
\n\u2022 Give the family a reason to lighten up a bit
\n\u2022 Skilled at joking their way out of serious situations
\n\u2022 No longer play the clown but are fun to be with
\n\u2022 To have difficulty expressing difficult feelings
\n\u2022 Unable to receive love, only give it
\n\u2022 Divert the family focus from problems to fun
\n\u2022 Prone to make light of tragedy and suffering
\n\u2022 Use humor in healthy ways, possibly as a professional entertainer
\n\u2022 Fragile, immature and in need of protection
\n\u2022 Innate fear\u2014especially when it comes to anger
\n\u2022 Diffuse anger with laughter
\n\u2022 Expected to make others feel better even if it means ignoring their own pain
\n\u2022 Can become effective in the helping profession\u2014social worker or therapist<\/p>\n
@book{Hunt_2008,
\nplace={Dallas, TX},
\ntitle={Biblical Counseling Keys on Dysfunctional Family: Making Peace with Your Past},
\npublisher={Hope For The Heart},
\nauthor={Hunt, June},
\nyear={2008}}<\/p>\n
Exportiert aus Verbum, 14:33 18. Februar 2019.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I. DEFINITIONS On the outside, they look so picture perfect. Cathey Brown is raised in a traditional family, each member assuming the public role that communicates normalcy, congeniality, and the classic message: \u201cWe\u2019ve got it all together, everything is great within the walls of our house.\u201d But behind closed doors things are falling apart \u2026 … <\/p>\n